Month: May 2015

I’m sensitive. I think that makes it easier to be sad.

For example, a while ago I uploaded pics of me and Jarl. He untagged himself. I was sad. I tried very hard to think of reasons why. I thought maybe he was embarrassed to be seen with me (worst case scenario), or maybe he was gay, or maybe he was just starting to date someone.

Yesterday on Facebook, it was posted that he is now in a relationship with someone. Well, that explained it.

I guess I should’ve been somewhat happy, but I was still sad.

I was sad, because I didn’t get to get with him.

I shouldn’t be so sad, because maybe he was attracted but his heart was already somewhere else. That’s the best scenario already.

Well, the best scenario is that I hook up with someone cute on that Thailand trip.

I feel sad that I didn’t. I feel sad that even Cyn got more action. I feel sad that…it’s been so long (6, 7 months) since I had sex, and even longer since I made love.

Come to think of it, I haven’t really made love to anyone. I’ve had great sex, but I’ve never been in love.

In a way I love Patrick, but not really. If I knew more about him, I’m certain I would not love him.

It’s kind of sad, isn’t it? To come to this world and not find love.

I suppose I have found greater love. Love for people with alopecia. Love for myself for having alopecia.

I don’t really know what love is. Some motions of it seems…..ambiguous. Does mom love me? I suppose as much as anyone can love me. Does dad love me? I think he loves his dog.

Can I love someone? The thought of loving someone just makes me think of compromises, sacrifices, fights, burden, dependence, annoyance, assimilation, loss of self identity. I only see these negatives, and even if it was amazing and perfect, I see that it must end at some point.

I don’t know the how nor the why of love.

For now, I focus on making money. It’s something I’ve tried for 5+ years and is finally happening. I thank God for everything. There has been a lot of luck involved. I hope I do make millions a year before turning 40. I hope that I have that part figured out…

Love, I’ll tackle it as it comes 🙂

 

 

DaJoJo passed away a few days ago. It surprised everyone.

He was so chill. His health seemed fined. 66 years – shorter than what anyone would’ve expected.

I feel sad for Shangyi and Shangrei. Mom cried. I cried. Everyone cried.

Aunt Shu and Mom kept saying he was such a wonderful person. He has always been good to me.

When Alison was getting married, I met up with DaJoJo for lunch one day. He treated me to a lavish buffet. He was just so chill and easygoing. He wasn’t opinionated nor judging. Pretty open-minded.

He had a big tooth gap, but he refused to get it filled because it required that he quit smoking, lol.

I felt ok asking him anything. I asked him if Shangyi was a lesbian. He said he wasn’t sure.

As we parted ways, he gave me a red envelope to give to Alison. The he asked if I had money. I said, Yeah, lots. He saw that I had just a few hundred NT, he was like, That’s it?

Later on, he called me and said, “Take some money out of the red envelope.” I think it was $8000NT.

He called again soon after, “But don’t tell Alison that you did!” Haha.

I can’t remember why I was quite ready to have some extra spending money. I went ahead and bought some shoes. I think it was 6 pairs of shoes.

Dajojo had always been good to me, and the last impression was good too. I like him more than I like Uncle Mitch. Mitch is less and less likeable as he ages. Stingy and judging.

I’m gonna miss Dajojo.

On one hand, he’s had a great life, especially in his later years. No stress, no financial worries. He was of the philosophy that being in the middle is best. I remember he said, don’t exercise too much, because then you have to keep doing it. Or said that a friend of his had lots of money, and he started a business, lost all of it.

He didn’t risk much in life. He didn’t venture out of his comfort zone. He didn’t strive for anything. But that was the way he liked it. He was always content, it seems. And so, it was a good life.

And of course, I want to believe that we are here by choice. How we arrive, how we leave, are also by choice. I think DaJoJo was here just to relax, have a good time. He wasn’t here to learn stuff, to struggle, to thrive. This is a boat cruise for him.

I’m glad he had a smooth life 🙂

 

These days I’ve been just thinking about sex more. I miss Patrick. I miss Josh. Even though Josh was not a good person, I miss the physical aspects of him. Those eyes and eyebrows. The lips. The skin. I doubt I’ll ever find anyone as hot again.

I’ve been hanging out with Norm almost everyday, since he tried to commit suicide on May 1st. It’s been draining. I’m glad he is alive though. It was a close call.

I don’t mind hanging out with him sometimes, but I feel obligated to hang out with him often to make sure he is ok. He seems fine. He was just frustrated by not being able to find any girl to date. I hope the psychologist will be helpful.

We all want a certain company. Me, I want fun, positive friends. I want hot, young, genuine, fun, sexy guys to make love to. But I don’t get any of that.

He wants big breasted girls to date. He wants friends. He doesn’t get any of that.

I have a better mom and a better dad. I think that helps.

I finally uploaded my last Thailand photo album to Facebook today. It was the photos with the Swedish boys. To my total surprise, Jarl untagged himself from all photos of me and him…well the 3 of them. Ok, 2 of them he was wearing his undies. 1 of them, he was just in the pic with me. I was quite saddened by it. I feel that it was because he didn’t want to seem like there was anything between us.

Today I had too much on my mind – my ASM biz and Norm and Mother’s Day, to care about what it really meant. Maybe he is gay. Maybe he is into someone and doesn’t want to mislead him/her. Maybe it’s not as bad as I think it is. I’lll give him the benefit of a doubt. Because, he is not worth me feeling sad over. He was cute, yes, but he was hardly on my mind. He was not charming, he was not amazing.

Who is amazing? Patrick. I think about him often, yet, he never comes into my life. So much for manifestation. Used to work: when I thought about him, he’d show up.

Josh, I think about him a lot more often lately. I think it’s because summer time is near, and we hooked up in the summer. I think also it’s because he is thinking of me. I know he must miss me. We had such an amazing time. But it’ll never be rekindled. He did nasty things, I said nasty things.

When can I find someone who is sincere and hot and loves me? Does this person exist? The older I get, the less likely it’s gonna happen, it seems. I’m further and further away from the hot young guys, never mind the sincerity and love! I think it’s gonna have to be paid sex. Sigh.

But you know what’s making me happy? ASM doing well 🙂 It’s not yet steady, but it’s been a source of happiness. Amazing that after 5 years of working hard on ties and bow ties, I can expect $1500 ~ $3000 per month. Silicone wedding rings on Amazon? $8,000 in sales the first month. This past month, Apr 8 to May 8, I finally brought in $10K in sales. About $7K USD ($8500CAD) in profit. Thank you God.

I asked for money not boyfriend for now, and that’s what I get. I am horny and wanting some physical contact with a cute boy, but I want money even more right now.