Month: August 2016

I still miss Matthew. I cried yesterday, again. men.

He is hardly online these days. I wonder what that means. Is he away? Avoiding seeing my FB activities? No reason to be on it without me? I went to see if we are still friends, and we are. I guess I’m not blocked. It wouldn’t seem like him to block me.

I miss him so much. He was so in my life. He was chatting with me every couple of days. He liked my every post. He sent me photos. I was always happy to hear from him. I loved his sense of humour. I loved how he looked. I loved how we had sex. We laughed so much together.

Anyway. I try to stop myself from having imagined conversations with him. I do that, good and bad conversations, when I like someone. It’s almost like a simulation or a conversation rehearsal.

—

I went on Tinder and Coffee Meets Bagel. There are lots more matches on Tinder. Bigger user base.

I’m lucky that, around 80% of my likes are matched with a like from the guys. I like very few guys, but so far have 10 matches.

I started convo with a couple of the guys, but no one really excites me.

No one is as handsome or funny as Matthew.

Maybe the good ones cap their age preferences at 35. Sigh.

I noticed a common profile pattern in guys:

1. Lots of ugly tattoos
2. Guys like:
   1. good vibes
   2. into dogs
   3. many are into music
   4. hiking, outdoors are common
   5. Like to hold a kid that is most likely not theirs
   6. Like to pose with hot girls
   7. Like to pose with their faces not shown

—

Went to see Erin compete in figure skating! I’m proud of her and was curious about the friends around her. Most are her co-workers and family.

On the way home, I met up with Cat at her place. She had just quit her job and now she is super stressed. She has no savings. I don’t know why she has no savings. She makes $40K/year.

I tried to help her by telling her that she needs to compile a list of interior designers to contact. She didn’t do that. Then I realized that she is really pressed for money, so I am asking around to see if there’s any job opening around.

Cat and Nicole. I want to help them, but I can’t hire them. Nicole has good attention to details, but she seems to be tired a lot. Cat’s English sucks.

I can’t teach them to sell on Amazon or get jobs online either, because they are not very technology savvy.

I wouldn’t want to be irrelevant. But everybody ages. Some people remain significant and relevant longer though. Like Betty White! Haha

I feel that, I want to live in a place where I can easily have social interaction with people whenever I want to.

Cyndi always lives in a house full of people, but that’s too much. I think the best is to have your own individual units still. But there should be a common place for meals.

I imagine living in a place with about 10~20 people. We hire a cook who cooks us delicious and healthy meals.

Breakfast is available from 6 to 10am. Lunch and dinner are available at set times where we all gather and enjoy the meals together. We can bring more friends too. We can also skip out on some days. We also have take-aways on some days. We can also freeze the meals for later.

It’s so ideal! We don’t have to do grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning after. We have basic kitchen in our units, but since we don’t usually cook in our units, the house smells better and stays cleaner. There is also more room for other things….such as a sun deck!

We grow our food too. We can help with the gardening, or hire someone.

There are also recreation areas where we can easily find people to play with. I personally would like to see volleyball court, billiards, gym, foosball, swimming pool, and VR room.

On a bigger scale, the shared amenities are bigger, such as parks, hospitals, firefighters, etc.

There is also on-site psychiatrist, doctor, conflict management personnel, motivational teachers, life coach, fitness coach, dietician, security and an overall on-site manager who takes care of everyday issues.

Cleaning maid, personal assistant, health care taker, etc, are all available too.

There is a mandatory switch-a-roo for all residents, every 3 to 6 months. It is to ensure that everyone stays happy with one another, gets to mingle with new people, get to play new games, and never stagnate.

When it comes time to switch, your unit moves. You don’t have to pack or anything.

The entire community is greenery-filled, solar-powered, multi-level, rotating, and has movable parts.

Each small community cluster contains 10 to 20 units, but the entire community is as big as needed. Each unit has a spectacular view.

The entire structure looks like a tree / Rubix puzzle system.

 

 

Ah, Friday.

Yesterday I went to Spanish Banks with Ricky to practice volleyball. He was reasonably likeable. Slightly awkward but can be friends with I think. I definitely improved from practicing with him!

After that, we went to The Eatery for sushi, and it was such a cool place!

After that, I called Norm from the car. I just felt the need to talk to him. We talked about my first time meeting Ricky…and, of course, Matthew.

I’m glad I have plans for today. It would’ve been a night with Matthew had I not broken it off with him. But, that part of our relationship is over now. I need to move on.

I told Nicole I wanted some new photos for Tinder. We were gonna meet on Saturday, but she happened to have today off, so we met up today, making today a full socializing with friends day!

She discovered a beach in West Vancouver! So we drove there.

It was a lot of fun! Just talking and taking my mind off Matthew, then we did some hilarious photoshoots. Some sexy shots, but some really awkward shots.

I want to post some on Facebook….for Matthew to see. I even brought his unicorn blanket. I dunno if he still checks my FB feed, but I want him to miss me. Maybe I care. Dunno.

He has stopped liking my posts, naturally. And I wonder if he is ever going to message me again. This break is necessary though. I don’t want to interact with him while he is insincere.

Part of me am sure that me sleeping with him is enabling him to stay in this relationship longer. I don’t want none of that.

After a fun day with Nicole, I went to Lisa’s girls’ night out dinner at Nuba. It was fun. The girl Kathy sitting beside me has her own biz, which is cool. She does b2b selling medical equipment. Kim sitting opposite of me was very soft spoken. Karen sitting beside her was well-travelled. Kim and Karen work at a medical library.

Also met Wendy. She has a dog named Corrina. Maime and Christina were there too.

In general, I think they were not the coolest crowd…lots of hang-ups. Lisa was the coolest actually.

Nuba food was decent. Not mind blowing though.

Then we had ice cream at 720. It was yum.

Then Lisa drove me home and we chatted from 10:30 to 2:30am!! Holy shit!

She is funnier than I thought, and she is quite unusual. I like her!

She actually paid $900 to BC Matchmaker to find a boyfriend, and Nathan paid $3K (and had 8 dates. Lisa had 3 dates) before finding her! Very interesting!

 

I called Norm today, crying.

The thought of losing yet another fuck buddy really saddened me. Especially since it was Matthew, my fave.

I’m so jaded by relationships and supposed love. Every sexlationship, not even real relationship, has failed me. I’ve lost every single guy, even though we hardly spend time together.

And love…I don’t know of a happy couple. Everyone cheats, or has trouble in the bedroom. Even if they seem to do alright, there seems to be sadness deep down, or that they have settled into a comfortable routine.

I had wondered how and when Matthew would initiate sex. It was just after midnight on Thursday. Like I suspected, he had no clue that I was pissed. He cheerfully asked for Friday sex. I said, “No thanks. It’s been a month.” And he simply said, “Oh :(”

I really don’t know if he is going to try again, or if he will disappear from my life. 7, almost 8 years. Done. Just like that. I’m so sad.

I can’t imagine meeting someone as cute and funny and wealthy as him. All around such a perfect match for me. But, he hurts me without even knowing. Just his sheer self-centredness alone can break my heart. I want to meet someone thoughtful and sweet, but is also cute and funny and wealthy. Is it possible?

Dear God, please help me find my soul mate.

I know a while ago I closed my eyes to think about my soul mate, and for some reason Matthew kept coming up. But look at us now. Sigh.

Ugh. Matthew is causing me so much pain, just by not initiating a meet-up with me. I feel so sad.

I really wish things were good like before, but they will never be.

Ah, to think that I had all these hopes and dreams about us. Now I know that it’s all an illusion.

I’m crying so much and feeling so down, as though I’m going through a break-up.

I had intuitions before, around June. I felt that he would disappoint me, and then, he would be nice to me, and it’ll be all good from there.

That came true. Till now.

Now I have no intuitions. I don’t know why. Probably because I asked for it. It does not make me feel any better to “possibly” know the outcome of things.

So how is it gonna be? I don’t know.

Dear GuanYin, please help me. I want to be happy in my love life. I know in the past, I only asked for health, wealth, and your blessings. But now, I realize that I need love too. Please grant me love too. I want love.

1. Ship rings to me (for photos and for free rings for up to 50 previous silver ring customers) (3o to 50pc each – later ship to Amazon.ca) Send this myself or ship via ChitChats.
2. When silver rings have shipped: Contact a small percentage of the silver ring customers (for initial test)
3. Say that, we are thankful of their help, and want to send them free silver rings. please confirm address and ring size. Contact us by a certain date
4. Have Keesha fulfill via FBA
5. After 3.5 weeks, follow up.
6. During 3.5 weeks:
   1. Print postcards for Amazon (silver or not) ring customers to let them know about the silver rings’ arrival. Provide coupon for knotheory.com We will send in batches. Will need several thousand prints to start (5000pc?)
   2. Prepare silver ring listings on Amazon.com, Etsy, and knotheory.com
   3. Prepare silver listings on Amazon.co.uk and .de also.
   4. Prepare a list of Amazon, Etsy, and Knotheory.com silver ring customers
   5. Set up silver ring emails – for Etsy and Knotheory – let them know that the silver rings have arrived and give them coupon code. Others – give a smaller coupon code? Or just promo it.
7. If silver rings have passed the customers’ test:
   1. Ship rings (single packaging) to USA and UK
   2. Make silver ring listings LIVE on Amazon.com, Etsy, and Knotheory.com
   3. Ask these 50customers for review
   4. Start combo packages design, printing (silver and dark silver and gold trio for $50~$60) (or 2 trio options? Or 4 in one package?)
   5. Produce more rings (rose gold? gold?)
   6. Using online greeting card senders or customers’ Amazon marketplace emails, invite previous silver ring customers to buy from our site / or Amazon for $1.99
   7. Send a batch of postcards to previous customers, inviting them to shop at knotheory.com
   8. Email customers who have previously asked about silver rings to let them know about silver ring arrival
   9. Email knotheory.com and Etsy customers with already written emails
   10. Remember to activate silver rings’ Salesbacker email campaign
8. [After 5 or more good reviews have come in,] let all past customers know about the silver rings (post cards and proxy emails? half and half? wave 1?)
9. Be prepared to send out wave2, improve based on wave1 experience.

 

 

I really thought the Matthew I know this time around is much more thoughtful and more sincere.

At least, after I made clear to you the only two things I required, and you said yes to it – I thought we’d be on the same page second time around.

But then you showed me that it is impossible for you to prioritize in a way that we meet every two weeks, or even let me know ahead of time. Last week you didn’t even bother until I asked. I asked and you just said No.

What I asked for really were very minimal.

I only asked for two things, and those were my lowest bar. Why do you agree to something you cannot live up to?

I am heartbroken that this is how you treat people.

 

I just realized that I want to get married. For the first time, I’m imagining what my wedding might be like.

I want to be bald at my wedding. I want it to be a real wedding….not a flimsy one. We’d both be successful, so even if it’s $50K it’s not breaking the bank.

I want to have vows. I want us to say and feel that we’ve found our soul mates. I want my friends and maybe family to be there.

I want to go on an exciting honeymoon. I want to make amazing love to this guy. I want to be one with this guy.

I want to experience this amazing, incredible love.

Mom will be there. She will be so happy. Dad…well, I’ll bring the guy to him.

—

I just realized this as I thought about what to say to Matthew. I thought about the possibility that we can be together in the future, as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then I realized that it’ll never work unless he wants to get married. If he doesn’t want to get married, that means, in his heart, he doesn’t believe that the relationship will last.

The interesting thing about him is that he evolves. He’s changed quite a bit in the past 7 years. He’s become much more dateable and loveable. Less vain. Less superficial. Because he evolves, I feel that I can expect him to turn into someone I want to marry, and that he’ll never bore me. After all, he is pretty close to being that.

Still, I won’t count on it.

I’ll date a few hundred people instead, and find someone. I’ll go to Tony Robbin’s event, and meet more people.

I can’t help but feel sad as I let the idea of losing him (again) sink in. I’ve cried a couple times now.

I think I will want to let him know what I look for in a boyfriend/husband, so that subconsciously, perhaps, he can work towards it. Doesn’t hurt to implant that in his brain haha.

 

Him: [Possibly asking when we can meet]

Me: I’ll be busy.

We had lots of fun. Amazing sex and conversations and laughed so much. But, last week when you said No…I realized that we were never able to meet once every two weeks.

So, this is goodbye.

I’m discovering myself a bit more too. I love good experiences and good memories so much that I have been avoiding dating….because there are ups and downs in a relationship.

But I think I’ve grown up a bit…I want to build a deeper connection with someone. He would see me as super amazing, one of a kind and irreplaceable, and be my #1 fan. And I would see him the same way.

Tanyabot wants to understand what love is.

 

 

Launched on August 8 with some inventory (from Canada). Got more inventory on August 17 (solid rings).

I was on page 6 and sometimes page 3. So sales.

Today, I saw that I sold 3 striped rings yesterday, and am at the bottom of page 1! (#40, out of ~50). Yay!

No launch yet. Wait ’til I launch!

Camping at Hawkin’s past weekend.

11 or 12 people this time. The new people are nice, but it’s not as fun this time. We didn’t do anything special, just lounged around. The people were mostly fat girls who work 9-5 jobs. We had moments of good conversations, but mostly I found our experiences too different.

No tent sauna, no paddle poker, no slip ‘n slide, no bbq at the fundraiser party. No Wes…who is not hot enough nor dateable, but was still a good eye candy to add to the experience. Also, I wasn’t an MVP any more. I’m not new. I felt a bit neglected.

I kept questioning why I went on this trip. I think it’s just to save the friendship between Cyn and I. I don’t like sleeping on the ground. (Though, my newly bought inflatable mattress and Norm’s -5 degree sleeping bag helped.)

I enjoyed playing a bit of volleyball with Ty, and chatting with him about ENTP struggles. I enjoyed his cooking. I also enjoyed talking to Heather about her experience as a single, well-travelled person.

I enjoyed being off-grid for the weekend. (Was a bit worried…but, business did better when I was away!)

I enjoyed waking up early in the morning and reading a book as the sun rises.

I enjoyed the roasted marshmallows. Though lately I’ve been having a belly and I felt so self-conscious.

The ride up to Hawkins with Al was kinda fun. Talking to him. Though it was 3 hours longer than it had to be, because of Mike. I don’t like that guy. He is just annoying. He is not a bad person, but he is annoying.

Al is very chill, and can be quite funny. Nice guy. Much more likeable than Mike.

—

So what did I learn from this experience?

I would like a vacation at a comfortable cabin in a sunny place, by a lake or some type of water. I don’t like roughing it anymore.

I need eye candy, or, conversations with people I can relate to.

I need to be active, not just lounging around.

I prefer to be connected.

I need to build a group of friends that I can vacay with.

—

Matthew disappointed me again. I don’t know what to do.

I didn’t see him for 2 weeks, because Alison was over, and because I went camping. My period is one of the two weeks.

The 3rd week, he messaged me on Tuesday. I was off line Friday to Monday because I was camping. I didn’t feel horny that week. If he didn’t message me, I wouldn’t have messaged him.

But he messaged me, about the surf park proposal in False Creek. But that was all we talked about. I then went to a volleyball clinic. The next day, I messaged to ask what he was doing on Friday. He didn’t reply all day, and at night, he replied to say sorry he was busy, and that he’ll be busy on Friday too. He didn’t even say anything about meeting the next week.

I woke up on Wednesday to this message, and was so sad. We had promised to see each other every 2 weeks, or let each other know ahead of time if we can’t.

At the same time I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting. There were times that he was better than I expected….should I just count this as a one off?

In truth I think he is just not taking this promise very seriously, and seeing if he can get away with it. He probably is busy, but he could’ve let me know ahead of time, or arrange the next time.

I kept thinking about what to do with him. What to say to him.

I think I need to end this, but I don’t want to regret ending it. Because it’s so fun.

If I end it, it’ll be the second time I do so. I won’t take him back. Because if I do, me ending it will not be taken seriously again.

So I probably won’t formally say it.

I’ll just say I’m busy.

I’ll say, if anything changes I’ll let you know.

Basically, ghosting him. I’m sure he’ll be ok. He has so many activities, so many girls, and a girl friend. I wish I could hurt him more, like how he hurts me.

I need to amp up my social life.

Right now, I’m so appalled by his behaviour, that I don’t really care to see him again. I wonder if I’ll feel different down the road.

I don’t even want to reply to him, if he were to message me.

In my ideal world, I want to change his behaviour so that he knows to value me more. To prioritize with me on top.

I know I know….don’t make yourself always available. (Then again, he did that and I fucking hate him.)

Here’s how I imagine our conversation will go. Even though he always surprises me.

Him: What is your schedule like this week? / What are you doing this Thursday?

Me: I think I’ll be busy…washing my hair

Him: I see holes in your statement

Me: 😉

Him: Found someone? / Out on a date?

Me: No. I just don’t like that, after so many weeks of not seeing each other, I got a No from you.

Anyway.

I said what my lowest bar was 🙁

Him: 🙁 [Then he’ll try to explain how busy he was. And say something like, he understands if I want to end it.]

Me: “Time is like cleavage, if you squeeze hard enough, you’ll have some.”

I think this is as clear I can get without getting too serious.