Month: September 2023

Traits such as kindness, intelligence, and a great sense of humor can fuel a crush. But you don’t have to date someone to continue enjoying these aspects of their personality.

Facts:

1. We are not that compatible.
2. We already fought 3 times
3. He has a temper and so do I
4. He doesn’t compliment me
5. He rarely laughs at my jokes
6. He doesn’t make me feel smart even though I know he thinks I’m smart.
7. He thinks he is the marketing guru, instead of respecting me or complimenting me on my ideas
8. He is quite cynical
9. He is not physically passionate
10. Being around him doesn’t give me happy feelings (like Alex did)
11. He is not caring to the extend that I need a boyfriend to be. e.g. he didn’t warn me about crossing the border. He wouldn’t “take care of me” in ways such as carrying my stuff, checking in on my feelings, making sure I have a chair, etc. Things that Ronnie would do. Maybe even Alex. I need more warmth.
12. He works too much
13. He wants kids
14. He doesn’t proactively chase me
15. He doesn’t want to hang out with me one on one.
16. He is too serious and not very playful
17. Flaked out on coming to my party
18. Flaked out on hanging out with me one on one

What I like about him:

1. Smart
2. Funny
3. Gives me free courses and advice
4. Sometimes flirty
5. Cute (such an acquired taste…but yeah I find him quite cute now)

What I kept going back to is how we looked at each other when the party had ended and I already hopped on the elevator and he was outside of the elevator, and we realized that we weren’t gonna hug goodbye.

Not sure if I’m just reading too much into it, but I felt that we were staring at each other for a long while, wishing that we could hug.

At least, that was how I felt…

The next day he didn’t ask me if I had fun. Last time I went to his party…the first time…he asked. But, when I thanked him this time, he replied with a kiss emoji.. who knows if he sends that to all the other girls…but I feel that he must not have.

He largely ignored me at the party. I was kind of hurt. But then I recalled how I squealed a tiny bit when I saw Stan. Brian was right there beside me. I had just met him a second prior, and I did not squeal when I saw him lol. That could’ve made him ignore me all night. I know I would’ve if he seemed more excited to see another girl. (And actually I did ignore him completely when he sat himself beside Selene at the Hawkthorne party, despite the fact that he paid for my dinner, and flirted with me before the party). The reality was I just didn’t expect to see Stan standing right there…yet I 100% came across as I liked Stan more than I liked Brian.

Gosh I miss Alex. I want someone like Alex, but is more mentally healthy. Not avoidant. Not ADHD.

I miss Alex’s warmth.

I realized today that maybe Alex is not ENFP, but rather, ESFP. That’s funny….the opposite of Brian, INTJ.

I’ve had a lightly rough week.

Since going to Brian’s entrepreneur last Saturday, I have not been following my daily routine.

Partly because I drank caffeine juice. Partly because my feelings for him resurfaced.

Also I started snacking on Doritos and they were addictive!

Maybe also because it’s been 1.5 months since I started the routine. My rebel mind needed a vacay.

Oh and also, it’s been my period. Definitely more hungry.

Today is Saturday. I want to get back on track!

I’ve been thinking about Brian a lot. Before the party, we didn’t chat for about 2 weeks. After the party, we chatted on Monday, Tuesday, Thursday, Friday. And a lot on Friday.

I’m not as horny for him anymore. He hurt my feelings a few times now.

Even now as we talk more lately, I’m not as exuberant. No more heart eyes. Not as much laughing. It’s rather subtle and he might not notice at all, but for me it’s 100% not the same.

I get so upset when I think about how he never acted on hanging out one on one with me when I told him I miss him and let him know when I can hang out.

He has shown interest in me for sure, especially early on, down to do mushroom together, asking if I was interested in taking a dance class together…then it fizzled. Then was making sure I went to ECF Live, hung around me lots at ECF Live, bought me dinner for the get together at Hawthorne, wearing the ring I gave him every day, etc.

But his effort wanes, like the tides, ebbing and flowing, and getting smaller each time.

I hated that he sat himself beside Selene. I hated that he even mentioned her at ECF Live that they have the same fashion style. I hated that he has a few other girl friends, including that Russian girl with PhD in computational biology. I hated that he invited that other girl Jasmine to MFM live event with him instead of me, and didn’t even introduce me to her. I think that last one was the worst offence.

Yes all those relationships can be platonic, and I have done my share of making him jealous unintentionally I’m sure, but, at the end of the day, one thing is clear. He never asked me out, and never even took up my offer of hanging out.

It really doesn’t matter how much he actually feels for me. He has never acted on it. And so, I need to wake up and realize he is just not that into me.

Or I have a deal breaker such as age or not wanting kids.

Or he hasn’t enough confidence to express his feelings for me. Either I’m too amazing for him or he has a micropenis.

I don’t want to dwell on it too much. I’m writing this to help ease my pain, and will let him go.

I will still reply to his messages, but I won’t message him first. I might agree to go to his events, but I most likely won’t. Unless I have a boyfriend.

I’m only going to maintain this friendship, not going to advance it.

He added Masha to the Whatsapp group, so I have even fewer reasons to go. The event was full of lame ppl tbh.

He is lame tbh. And not compatible to me.

He is very serious, not the playful kind I wanted in a boyfriend. He flaked out on my Halloween party invite without telling me. He got mad at me for bringing it up (immature and very abrasive). He goes away when I’m mad at him / he is at fault (avoidant). He lacks a sexual energy. He is cynical.

I feel that he likes me but he has somehow friendzoned me. And not even a close friend. Just a friend he invites to parties, and talks on Whatsapp with sometimes.

He is pretty fun to talk to on Whatsapp. And there are some things I want to talk about in person. But he doesn’t seem to care to. He doesn’t ask me questions. He is not curious about me. Sometimes he seems flirty, but who knows if that’s how he is with other girls too. He knows how to make friends with girls. He likes to help, which can easily be taken as being interested. That might be the case, but, a big part of it too is just ego. He thinks he is some hot shit at marketing. He never asks for my help or advice. He just dispenses them. I appreciate the advice sometimes, but girl, you are brilliant and you should be praised. Find a cute guy that gives you compliments and boosts your confidence!

Brian will never be that guy for me. The nicest thing he’s said to me was that he’ll wear my rings every day.

I feel sad just thinking about his lack of love and actions. He is a man of action. If he is not acting on it, he does not want it.

I know I don’t have to think of it this way. There are other ways to interpret his behaviors.

Let’s say it’s this:

He has a micropenis and a lack of sex drive. He is really into me but he is very afraid that I will reject him, or even expose him. He thinks I’m the best and funnest and coolest person he can possibly be with, but he holds back. He cries at night dreaming about dating me. He started this group because I said I wanted one. I said I wanted a community, and I want a boyfriend,but I want to be friends first. He is being a friend first, and building this community for me (and for him), in the hopes of being my boyfriend one day. He adores me and thinks I’m smart, fun, and super compatible with him. But he doesn’t know how to express it. I’m so charismatic, so beautiful, so sexy. He’s never met anyone like me. He doesn’t feel that he is enough for me, thus he always tries to impress me and teach me something. He doesn’t feel that he deserves me, so he drops out of my life when I’m mad at him. He wants me so bad but he is afraid to show it. He freezes when he is alone with me, so he doesn’t try. When we are surrounded by ECFers he felt less scared, but he didn’t know what to say. He just knows that he wants to be with me. He is gravitated towards me. But he is afraid that something sexual will happen between us, because he knows I need a lot of sex, and he most likely can’t satisfy me.

Delulu is the solulu, lol

Went to Brian’s “Intuitives” party yesterday.

It was reasonably fun, but I still feel weird about Brian.

I invited around 15 ppl , 10 ppl said yes, 5 cancelled last minute, 5 + Shawn’s friend Nate showed up. I like these people less now, and will never invite them to anything again. Cecilia, Alexa, Mike, Hilda & Rob.

Stan, Anton, Ty & Aida, Shawn came.

I went with Shawn and Nate. I drove. Shawn has a 23yo girlfriend again. He doesn’t look old…but he is not cute anymore for some reason. Immature still. Was gonna sit at the back of the car and left me driving alone at the front! Nate is American. He is nice, but not very interesting. They are biz partners now. And Shawn did $150K on Amazon in a recent month!

Stan was in the car behind me apparently! I’m glad he came. I still feel bad for not going to his house cooling party. I spent some time talking to him.

Anton came too. Him and Irina have a 4.5 yo daughter (Emma? Emily?) and another baby on the way. He told me about the spontaneous trips they used to go on. I’m envious of them being this couple that can travel. And he is doing well on Amazon too.

Ty and Aida got married at Burning Man! Holy shit. I’m not gonna tell Cyndi. She has not been feeling good about Ty being extra cold and uncaring toward her. And her friends all going to BM with Ty.

It’s surprising that Ty would be so cold and uncaring towards Cyn. I feel for her. At the same time, I rely on Ty to fix the App, and he has been a good friend to me, so I can’t be mean to him. It does make me feel that good guys are almost impossible to find though.

Aida was nice and at times funny yesterday. Still, she doesn’t have Cyndi’s rizz. And is not as funny. Ty seems to have gotten less funny too. But still funny.

The first 2/3 of the party I just talked to people I knew. It was fine.

At one point I joined a table and realized it was Brian’s staff. Turned out there were about 9 people that are Brian’s staff or staff’s boyfriend. I met the graphic designer and Paola the project manager, and told them Brian raved about them. They were so shocked and pleased.

Deep was sitting on one side of him. Brian’s media buyer. Matt on the other side. Matt is leaner than I remember. And more awkward. But he is nice.

That’ explains the good turnout.

Brian didn’t come to talk to me the whole night. There was a Russian girl Mariia, doing PhD at UBC (Computational Biology). I was a bit threatened that Brian might like her.

Then Selene came, with her bf. He looked ok. She didn’t put effort into this even at all. Still I felt a bit threatened.

Then when I was sitting with Brian’s staff, I saw that he was sitting very close to his girl Darryl. I was sure that he liked her, and felt threatened again.

Later on I chatted with Darryl and learned that they met through dance, she lives in Surrey, and she designs card games. Also she seems older…maybe late 30s to early 40s. I talked to her a bit and she turned out to be very cool and maybe not a threat. She designed a card game, and I totally liked it!

But basically, Brian has a lot of girls around him. Some are friends, some are staff.

At the end of the party, Ty went to say thanks to Brian. Brian was sitting with Darryl. Turned out she is an INTP. I told Brian Ty was my ENTP best friend and gave Ty a side hug.

Still, Brian never came over to stand near me like he did at ECF Live. I didn’t bother either. He didn’t even look cute. Why do I like him?!

He was wearing the ring I gave him though. And some people would be like, Oh you’re the girl who designs the rings! (I think it was his staff.)

At one point when I was standing near his finger magician friend Kevin, he put his forearms on both of us. Not his hands. His arms. They clamped by wig down so I didn’t even move. That was weird. Was it a “Hey dude” move or was it a non-platonic move?

I talked to his bubble tea protein powder friend Dave too. Dave mentioned something about spiking his protein shakes so it’s like Khalua. I said, That’s what I told Brian! And he didn’t mention my name? lol

I hugged everyone before leaving. Then as we went to the elevator, me and everyone hopped in. And Brian came over, we realized that he was going up not down, so we just said good-bye wit him outside the elevator by himself, without good-bye hugs. It was a pretty awkward moment. I felt like we looked at each other for a long moment, wishing we could at least hug each other. But that’s just my perception of it. He maybe didn’t even feel anything.

So be it. He said he wanted to be efficient that’s why he created this party. Well, if he’d rather be efficient than to hang out one on one, then he doesn’t get a hug from me lol.

I still feel resentful and vindictive towards him.

I wish I could find someone to make out with. I don’t even need to make him jealous. I just want to direct my affection towards someone worthy.

He is not worthy of my affection. He had his chance of hanging out one on one with me and he didn’t take me up on it. I’m quite sure that he just wants to be friends.

Even though I still have feelings for him, he is not boyfriend material. He is barely even friend material. I’m better off keeping a friendly distance.

I decided to say thanks to Brian for hosting the party, even though I basically don’t want to initiate any convo with him anymore. I still have etiquettes. It wasn’t easy hosting an event.

He replied with a kissing emoji. And we talked for quite a bit for the past 2 days. Aaannd I felt something for him again….

I think I just have a lot of respect for him for being an entrepreneur, and he is nice to me, and sometimes very funny – and that did it.

I need to keep reminding myself that he is not the one.

But I can’t help but dwell on this feeling.

I need to realize that if he asks me out, that’s when I need to think about him. Otherwise, he is nothing but a friend to me.

I think he has a lot of female friends. And he has a few clusters of friends. And he doesn’t want to hang out one-on-one with me, for whatever reason. The good reason is he is scared, the bad reason is he doesn’t prioritize me. Either way, I’m not gonna prioritize him.

I don’t even like the whatsapp group he’s created. I already don’t like the people in it. For example, Masha is in it.

Result I want: Find a boyfriend. Keep a friendly relationship with Brian. I want him to crush hard on me, but what’s the purpose of that? Just for my ego.

Action: So I guess I’m not gonna do anything special. Just remember that he is just a friend, nothing more. Like Ty.