Month: December 2015

Dear God and my loving angels,

I want an amazing boyfriend.

I know deep down, I shy away from finding one, because Mom told me once that the fortune teller said, If I have a boyfriend, I’d want to help him, and my money will go to him instead of her.

I don’t want that. I don’t want to give my money to this boyfriend instead of Mom. Silly as it sounds, that has been preventing me from getting into a relationship.

I’m going to let that go now. I’m not going to believe in it. After all, there are many things that the fortune teller said that weren’t correct. For example, 5, 6 years ago, they said that I would be successful already. Well, it took a lot longer didn’t it?

So please free me from this superstition. Please allow me to find love and happiness in this life.

I want a boyfriend who loves me, who inspires me, who enriches me, who is my fan, who is loyal to me, who is sincere about me, who makes me laugh, who makes me a better person, who won’t drain my bank account, and will be good for my family. And vice versa.

Sincerely,

Tanya

 

 

I think I need a boyfriend and/or a best friend. Ideally, a best friend who is also my boyfriend.

I also need better friends. By cultivating my existing friendship and by doing more activities to get me more new friends.

I think I need to make these new changes:

1. Maintain existing friendship: Be mindful about asking friends out regularly.

– Masha, Vanthony, Mike, Brodie, Norm, Nicole

– New: Darlene, Karolina and Victor, Aileen and David(?), maybe Janice, and Stacy.

– Once in a while: Summer, Cat, Anna and Wilson, Annie, Jing, Erica

– Long distance: Cousins, Moj and Paul, Courtney and Paul, Victoria and Yishan in Shanghai, Nick and Auburn, Lamont, Annie in Australia.

2. Make new friends in niche settings

– Joined geek girl meet up

– Maybe ASMers will be good friends too. Can visit Clement and Evan in Toronto!

3. I have to force myself to do this, but I will act as a good friend and wish Cyndi well. I will try to not hop on the phone with her. She’ll be too busy to want to call me for the next while anyway. The fact is, I’m gonna say no to a friend who “hangs out” with me while cleaning her house, talks to me on the phone while walking to a date starting in 10 minutes.

I know she had been a good friend in the past several times. But it’s hard to bring those to mind right now. I just don’t want to. I just don’t feel that she deserves anything good. I feel that she is not the best person. I’m disgusted by some of her negative characteristics.

I looked around and realized that most of my friends are in relationships. It’s the expected path. Be single in your late teens to early 20s. Be taken in your late 20s to…30s and maybe 40s. I feel so out of sync with the world.

Is there a guy for me? I want someone, I think . I believe in soul mates, I think.

Cyn wanted to talk tonight. Timing is a bitch, isn’t it?

I was having dinner with Mom. I saw that Cyn called 20 min earlier, but I didn’t bother replying.

I just saw the Whatsapp group chat, with a bazillion messages from Cyn’s friends. Turned out Tyler emailed Cyndi that he wanted to get back together, and was flying to New York to meet her. New Years eve too!

A few thoughts ran through my head.

1. So that’s why Cyn wanted to talk on the phone!

2. She is lucky that Ty is so romantic and still wants her.

3. I’m sad that I don’t have someone like that in my life.

4. I’m sad that Ty felt that way towards Cyn, actually.

I don’t know why the timing always has to be this awkward. When Cyn got the New York job offer last year, $120K USD after tax, I was making no money. We had just got back from Thailand and didn’t like each other very much. She had this great big opportunity fall on her lap without her trying AT ALL, and I had nothing. I was so sad. I think any other time I would’ve been happy for her, but it was near impossible at that time.

Now, I have just given up on her as a close friend, because she obviously puts me as a low priority. I was hoping to become a closer friend with Ty, because we seem compatible, and because he has friends that I may like. And there’s Jackson.

If Ty was single still, or even dating other people casually, him and I can be consistent friends. I was hoping for that. I want stimulating, funny, and smart friends.

But them getting back together means:

1. We can’t as easily hang out one on one. I feel like I’ve lost him as a friend before I even started. What about all the fun times we could have? What about all the friends of his that I’d like to meet? What about Jackson? Ok Jackson is actually not the top priority. I want to meet his ENTP friend, I want to meet the friends he brainstorms with, possibly. If I can spend 3 months hanging out with him, things can be different. I’d have more friends and more fun. But, now, it’s over.

2. I felt unattractive. Because Ty and I had such a good time. I felt no chemistry, but somehow I expected him to feel something. Did I bore him? Why? Seems like it’s been a long time since someone finds my personality and appearance attractive. Someone decently good looking that is. What is wrong with me? Matthew is attracted, but he met me a long time ago. And he just wanted to hook up. None of that boyfriend stuff. No one at all has found me attractive lately, let alone wanting to date me. Sigh. Think about the Badass group, or at Las Vegas. No one really gave me a real shot. Even that was a long time ago.

3. It’s hard to feel happy for Cyndi. Because, again, it’s the worst timing. If it was last week, I would’ve been happy for her! But this past week, after her being such an insincere friend, after her telling/showing me how she’s been treating these guys (judging them by age, acting all snobbish, insincere towards a sincere guy, dating like there’s no tomorrow), I’m so sick of her ways. I feel that she is a pretentious, thoughtless, selfish slut. And I think even if her and Ty got back together, the same problems will be there. I remember how often she’d crush on other guys, how she complained that she wasn’t attracted to Ty physically and expected just way too much imo. Of all times, right now, I really just feel that she does’t deserve someone, esp. Tyler. I don’t even want to wish them well.

So, in the end, I think this is how it’s gonna be:

1. Cyn and Ty get back together, staying in NYC and/or Vancouver, live happily ever after. They will get married, maybe have kids.

2. I will be friends with them but not close. Maybe in time I’d feel differently.

3. I will need to find ways to make more like-minded friends. I know I can. I just need to keep putting my mind to it.

4. I want to find the love of my life. In part because everyone else sucks. I feel that no one really cares about you as a friend, compared to how they care about their lover.

Right now my relationship with the world looks like this:

1. Friendship categories:

a. Close friends: Nicole, who has a best friend Susan from kindergarten. I can’t compete with that. But also, I don’t like Nicole that much….she is tired all the time, and she dwells on minute details. Cat, who has gay friends as her best friends. I don’t like her that much either, because she is non-responsive, not very smart, and her morals don’t align with mine. Then there’s Cyn, who I thought was the closest I had to a best friend, but now I realize that she doesn’t see me that way. She has ADHD, and she already has some best friends such as her cousin and Corrina (who is boring), and her actual best friend is Tyler or whoever she decides to settle down with. If she doesn’t have that love interest, she is too busy looking for him. There’s no room for someone like me.

b. Semi-close friends: Anna and Wilson. I like them but sometimes I don’t. They complain so much sometimes. And are close minded sometimes. Anthony and Vanessa I like. They are so nice to me. But they are each others’ best friends. They are old people…can’t travel and have a ton of fun with them… Deeann, nice but always distant. Lea, nice, sincere, a good person. She is so timid and….something about her just seems too polite and distant. Mike, ok, kinda funny, smart, but, can’t really be a close friend either, since he already has a best friend which is his wife.

c. New friends: Masha, I like her. She is smart, ambitious, and is an entrepreneur. But she is going to be so busy as a mom. My badass group. I like them, but again, all of them have partners.

Honestly, everyone sucks. Everyone has already got their best friend, or they are too unattractive to get a lover (if they did, that person would be their best friend).

Even Patrick has 2 best friends. Even Matthew has 3 friends.

I have none.

 

I was talking to Mom about how difficult it is to confront.

I want to tell Cyn how the way she’s been treating me has been hurtful. But at the same time, I feel that no one is good at taking criticisms.

I told Mom that Cyn told Sum she talked too much (on the phone with Amy), and Sum resented Cyn for a while.

Cyn said I was too judging. I resented her.

If I tell Cyn that she is a bad friend, surely nothing good will come of it.

But she has, so what’s to do?

Nothing I can think of.

But it dawned on me when I told Mom that Cyn thought Summer talked too much. Actually, I thought it too. But I just realized that, I talk a lot too. Dad talks even more. Sum talks even more. But I talk a lot. Sometimes ppl don’t mind it, and we feel closer after. However, I just realized that, maybe it’s just impossible to get a hold of Cyn, to be on phone with her without her having to rush somewhere, because she thinks I talk too much and doesn’t want to talk on the phone with me.

Now that I see it that way, things are a bit different. Not sure if it’s good or bad.

But, later tonight when we were supposed to talk on the phone, I didn’t even try. She didn’t either. She chatted a few things about her dating, and disappeared.

Heck, maybe she doesn’t even like chatting with me.

Maybe I already lost this friend after Thailand.

Ok then.

From now on, I’m not going to try to reach her. When she tries to reach me, I will be just as unavailable as her, maybe more so.

She is no longer a friend. She is an acquaintance.

She referred my bow ties to a store, and I thought, maybe she is still a good friend, maybe I’m being too sensitive. But now I realize, it’s no different than Geoff referring me a bow tie contract. He likes me enough to do it, but he didn’t like me enough to want to get together for a drink.

I’m sad that I lost a good friend. Funny how I only realize it now. She is too polite to say that we are no longer good friends, and too distracted to care.

Maybe we are on different paths now. Different phases of our lives. Different everything. Maybe later we’ll be friends again, but right now, I’ll just distance myself from her, and not say anything harsh.

I want to have a best friend. A friend that I can talk to anytime about anything. A friend who is smart, funny, and caring. A friend who is successful, so that we are on the same page. A friend who inspires me to do better, be better. A friend who is sincere, who respects me, who loves me, who wants the best for me.

Masha is pretty good, though not very funny, and is very pregnant. I wish I could find someone who is single right now, so we can bond first.

Will keep looking! I know I’m good at manifesting. Better than most people. I draw things I look for into my life. So, I’m wishing for a best friend!!!

We’ll have so much fun together!

Can be a guy, a girl. Can be gay, straight.

I’m fed up with this friend.

Honestly she hasn’t been a good friend. She is never available to talk, and when we do talk, she is walking somewhere else.

I try to see it from her perspective. Maybe she is busy. Maybe she is just cut from a different cloth.  In the end, I can’t relate.

There are things that make her very different from me. She cannot be alone. She said she is a loner sometimes. I’m pretty sure she isn’t.

She is ALWAYS going on dates. It’s to the point of ridiculousness. Mean while she is stringing a guy along….a guy that is good to her but she doesn’t find funny.

I used to think she is a sincere person, but she is losing that reputation.

She said she was sad and lonely around Christmas. I said, Do you want to skype? And she said, Yeah! And then she was not online on Xmas eve, or Xmas, or the next day or the day after that. By Monday, at work, she said, Oh I thought I replied (to me in google chat).

I feel like I already did my best, as a friend. I talked to her every week for 4 or 5 weeks, to make sure she set her goals and did them, such as sending resumes. I stopped after she found a job.

I am available when she calls. But we only really talked on the phone once. Recently she called, but she was absent minded and was obviously outside and had to go after 10 minutes.

I’ve tried chatting with her so that I can then ask if she is free and then call her. It seemed like she is always on the go, so calling her straight up wouldn’t work. But in reality, I never was able to chat with her long enough to ask if she wanted to hop on the phone. She is gone before then. Going on dates.

One time we did chat longer, and it was because she was on transit home.

It’s so sad that she treats me this way.

Perhaps she is desperate in finding a guy to marry and have kids with. Desperation is ugly on her.

Sum and I were going to go see her in January. Now, Sum is getting married in March, and has not time nor money to fly to NYC in Jan. I can still go, but I see now it’s not a good idea. I don’t want to be left alone in NYC lol. She just can’t spare any attention on me. Going with Sum, at least I’ll have company. And I’ll be less likely to get into a fight with Cyn. Going alone, no way.

So, scratch that plan. I have lots of work anyway.

I want to be confrontational, letting her know that she has been disappointing.

But experience tells me that being confrontational doesn’t work. No one wants to hear it.

How do I tell her that I won’t be visiting in Jan?

In April, I’ll be in China/Taiwan most likely, so I don’t think I can go to NYC then either.

How do you confront someone? I don’t think it’s a good idea any more.

 

 

Oh wow, I just had coffee with Tyler, and it was so much fun!

It was the most fun I’ve had with someone, just hanging out. It’s worlds apart from hanging out with Brodie, or Nicole, or Cat, or even Cyndi. Holy shit.

He is working on a cool graph database project, and he experiments with body hacking, which are all so fascinating to listen to and learn about. When I talk to him about the stuff I’m interested in, such as VR, flight simulation, he understands.

Plus he is so funny. I laughed so much.

When he brought the coffees/teas over, he spilled mine a little.

Me: Not very good at this hey.

Ty: I’ve never had a server job.

Me: Don’t you wish you did though?

Ty: Yeah it’s almost like a right of passage

Me: Yeah, and, it’s something you can’t go back to when you’ve gotten older. Like, if you do it now, people just think you want the job so you can meet people.

Ty: Right, “So, the other staff are all women in their twenties right?”

Ahahhaha. I had to put my chai down so I wouldn’t spill it while laughing.

I thought I was funny too. I don’t know how funny he thought I was, but I thought I was really funny.

I told him about the 4D rides and how it’s always pine scent that they do. Fly over water, pine scent. Fly over a forrest, pine scent. He joked about how in simulated sex, the guy goes down on the girl, and it’s pine scent. Haha

I joked about how it could at least be pine-apple scent, and said, oh wait, that’s taste.

He told me that teledildonics is an actual word.

I learned other words too, such as nepotism. And new concepts such as ASMR, graph database. And companies such as Neo4J.

I just really really enjoyed talking to him.

So far it seems like we have so much in common. Unbelievable.

I can’t remember the last time I had such a fun conversation with someone. It was almost a high. I wondered if I can be with someone like him. Someone so fun and makes me laugh so much.

I don’t know if I felt any physical attraction, but this is someone I can be friends with. Very good friends. And he seems to have other friends like him whom he brainstorms with. I want to meet these friends!

He briefly mentioned Jackson, just in passing when he was telling a story. He said Jackson was really smart. And one time when he came over, he asked for some caffein to uncloud his head. Ty said, I have pure caffein and a tab press (to make the pills). Jackson said, I think 60~80mg of it will do. Lol.

I’m quite curious about Jackson. So far I’ve heard only cool things about him. Smart, nice. Shy around other ppl but outgoing around Ty. But I didn’t ask more about him. I dunno how. I dunno if Ty did mention me to him, and he did nothing. I dunno if I showed too much interest that Ty would be put off and not want to hang out with me as much. I dunno if Ty is interested in me. Because there’s no sign of that at all. He’s like the only guy who never showed interest in me actually.

I mean, yeah, he called me out of the blue while he was in West End. But really, if he liked me he should’ve remembered that I moved to Burnaby. I think.

I wanted to hang out more and he was like, I want to go home and code. Lol.

It’s ok. It’s Jackson who turns me on. High cheekbones. Hot body. Hotter than Brodie’s body.

A hot body turns me on more than I realize. Because I was somewhat horny after hanging out with Brodie. Just because I got a glimpse of his biceps. (Or, maybe he showed a bit of interest too?) I think it’s the biceps.

I can be patient. I want to hang out with Ty more, meet his friends, and meet Jackson eventually.

Ty is my door to being around people who are more like me. That’s exciting.

 

 

Had lunch with Brodie today. He is vegan so we went to Chau. It was pretty good.

We talked for a long time about being vegan, being spiritual, love, dating, etc. It was fine. He is a good listener. And we have similarities.

I was going to treat him because he taught me volleyball. But I accidentally let him pay. He went up to place the order, and I didn’t even know he had to pay right then! Damn. Felt bad.

He was really nice though.

He also offered to play pepper with me – practice volleyball at gyms. That means a lot. I need that!

I’m not attracted to him very much, even though I find him easy on the eyes. He has many good qualities about him. He is un-assuming, good natured, talented, ethical, and pretty reliable. I think I just don’t feel much for him because his eyes are not my type, and he is not very funny. Also he is very passive. He doesn’t debate. He tends to agree.

I was supposed to see Ty but I mixed up the dates. I was bummed about it, and realizing that I was more looking forward to hanging out with Ty. Maybe cuz Cyn raved about him so much. Also, we both like sci-fi.

Brodie is cool though. He is athletic. And his body is nice. He is a nice looking friend that I feel a bit of pride being around. Also he is great at volleyball. I’m glad to have a friend like him that I can pepper with! Can’t wait!

 

I guess I’ve been without love for too long. How long has it been? I don’t even recall.

We all need love. I thought I was ok without love…but it was only temporary…I feel the life force in me wasting away.

But I’m so hesitant to find a lover. I don’t want to go on Tinder. I just feel like there’s no one for me. It’s not like 2 years ago when I felt that there are guys for me, and there were. I feel that I know that right now I won’t find anyone even if I try. It is as though, deep in my subconscious I know that I don’t have that in my fate right at this moment. The time will come, but it’s not right now.

I really want to focus. I really want to grow my business. But, having a boyfriend is good too. Can be amazing in fact. We can better each other, expand each other’s horizons, and encourage each other. Oh how I want that.

I wish for a miracle.

 

Funny how, I think about Matthew a lot more after he was really going to act on meeting up and having sex with me, even though, he made it clear that he was “single” for just a month while his married gf is away.

Funny how, he messaged me today like I’ve been hoping for. But I cried. I was sad over loneliness. He wrote something like he wish teleportation was invented. I said I couldn’t be able to hold back if he was here. He said he absolutely couldn’t either.

It got all steamy for a sec. But then, it comes down to he is not single and I won’t share.

It got into almost a debate. It’s sad. Yes, I know most people cheat. But part of me wished that he was more sincere than that, and the whole world is more sincere than that.

It’s ok. There are more people than him. I gotta have standards. I gotta get out there and meet more quality people.

 

 

Quick review of previous year:

I did very well reaching my financial goals in 2015, starting ASM product, my silicone rings, in April. My tax is a mess and the silver rings are giving me pain, but, overall it’s been amazing so far. I did make Mom and Dad proud.

I travelled to Thailand and NAAF and Disneyland. I had such amazing experiences in Thailand! Free from alopecia constraints. Sleeping in a hostel, dancing to Green Day, hanging out with cute Swedish boys, scuba diving and snorkelling, seeing sharks, squids, turtles, parrot fish, and trigger fish. OH! And surfing in an artificial wave machine! I’ve outgrown Disneyland and NAAF was not mind-blowing, but it was good to inspire others.

As for love, I saw Patrick. It was nice. But haven’t heard from him again since Oct. He is too busy being a stripper in Las Vegas I guess. The more time goes on I don’t hear from him, the more I feel that there’s just nothing between us. Matthew started chatting with me again. He is fun to chat with, and he wants to hook up, but not sincere enough since he still has a gf. I can almost see myself with him as a couple, but I don’t think he can love my hairlessness to be honest. (Actually he just told me how much he cheats…nm.)

I feel lonely often, and have few friends that I can connect with. I hope to do better in year 2016. Some good friendship moments though. Met Masha. Got closer with Elena since I helped her with her biz. Got a good group of mastermind friends. Got a bit of time with Mike. Invited Anna and Wilson over for dinner. Spent a bit of time with Victor, visiting his house. I helped motivate Cyn weekly and after a month she got a job in NYC. But I don’t feel very close to her. Or anyone.

For the new year!

Let’s see,

I will find love. The soulmate type of lover. Someone with whom our connection is so deep. Someone who loves me, cares about me, is dedicated to me, and vice versa. We start businesses together and we thrive together. We periodically jazz up our love for each other with self-improvement classes and other methods. We don’t get tired of each other. We get rich together. We love each other more and more each day and each year.

I will earn $400K USD after tax in 2016. I will to set up my finances to provide better for Mom and Dad with just the interest. I will have a fiduciary.

I will have more good friends. Like-minded, smart, sincere, life-long friends. We’ll have so much fun together, and help each other out in growing our biz and our life and our experiences.

I will have more time. I have VAs and automation. I have fun with all this time. Playing on an artificial wave machine, playing volleyball, travelling!!!