Month: October 2016

OH how I want to be loved and cared for, by someone I love.

I have Mom and Dad, which I’m grateful for. But it’s been too long since I had that feeling of being in love. How I want it.

Dear God, may I have this love?

I don’t think I’ve truly experienced it. With Norm, I had nerve pains at the time. With Nicolas, I really wasn’t that into him.

I really want to find someone who really loves me, and whom I really love. We love each other so much so that there’s no doubt about it. We shower each other with love. We spoil each other. We care for each other. We inspire each other.

I want that.

It’s probably not with Brad. But, right now there’s only Brad on the horizon. Well, not really. He doesn’t ever make the first move ever since I did. It pains me so. Surprisingly.

I want to text him about meeting up this weekend. I want to touch him. But I decided against it.

If he isn’t ever going to be proactive about this, then it’s not worth pursuing.

But I feel strange, that I brought this on myself. If I asked if he was free this weekend, surely I’d get to meet him. But instead, I sit here and sulk my heart out. I sit here and refuse to take the initiative.

But it makes sense I suppose. I want him to take action, either as a fuck buddy or as a potential boyfriend.

If he doesn’t, it’s better to let him go now.

I have to toughen through this.

It doesn’t help that biz is stressing me out (Ken is gone at a tradeshow and didn’t bother to let me know ahead of time.) and that my car Max is having issues.

Hang in there. You will get through this. You’ll find someone who loves you and whom you love, wholeheartedly.

 

Car didn’t start this morning. Wilson just helped me put a new battery in…will have to take the car into his work.

Met Mom at the airport today, before she flies out to Taiwan. She wants to sort out some land stuff, go to Shang-Rui’s wedding, and have a siblings reunion.

I didn’t have my costumes ready, and it’s too late to buy wigs online, so I asked Anna for help. She has lots of costumes she made for their photoshoot! The scalemail pieces were especially gorgeous. I’m gonna go as Wonder Woman. It’s a bit of a hacked-together costume…but kinda works. It would be hard to use the bathroom though!

Wilson and Anna are so great to me. After trying on tons of costumes, I couldn’t start up my car. They invited me to stay for dinner, and then Wilson drove me home.

The next day, Wilson picked up a lexus battery at work, installed it into my car, test drove it, and then dropped it off.

I am so touched by them.

Will texted me today if I’m going to Noveween and I was going as. I said Wonder Woman. He said he has a Superman outfit. Said it would be a nice surprise if we didn’t tell each other already. I said he can still surprise me by showing up in a Wonder Woman outfit. Haha.

I kinda feel nothing for Will now. But whatever. We’ll be semi-friends.

Started chatting with a pilot named Colin. He seems very cool. But his looks…not my type. Sigh. We’ll see.

The chef, Andrew, disappeared. Not sure what’s going on there.

Brad…I miss him. I’m horny. I miss just touching him. It’s not even like he did anything especially great so far. No cute bantering like Matthew and I had. Never took the initiative to message me first. We’ve had sex twice, and both times, I asked.

I’ve decided to not ask anymore. It makes me sad that this might means the end. It makes me sad that, he might like me but just doesn’t know how to take the initiative. But, if it’s not a match, then I’d rather move on.

I feel so sad I want to cry. It might be the pre-MC mind.  I want to touch him again, kiss him again, fuck him again.

No one compares to Matthew though. He was so fun. And that I’ll never have again. Why is everyone so insincere nowadays? Too many options I guess.

My dynamics with Brad is different. I call him instead of him calling me.

On Wednesday, I asked if he is free Friday. He said he has an evening meeting, and will find out what time it is the next day.

Thursday, I didn’t hear from him. Together with Amazon issues that caused my sales to drop dramatically yesterday, I was in an ultra shitty mood.

I swiped on Tinder and found 3 guys. I compromised a bit on the looks. There were no better looking guys anyway.

Turned out 1 was in an open relationship. Too bad because he said he dreamed of opening a bunny petting zoo before I said I love bunnies!

Another one went to ZhengDa University, which is in Taiwan. Interesting.

Another one is a chef and might arrange a taco date with him. He has a beard…but he seems the most wholesome and funny.

Interesting that, if Brad did message me on Thursday, I probably wouldn’t have tried to find more guys. The decisions that change based on someone’s 1 day delay in action. Kind of like exurb1a’s video Terra.

So Brad came by at 9pm. He was going to be early but I wasn’t ready. He looked a bit cuter today, with less product in his hair.

He was waiting by the door, which was cute.

I was wearing a blue and red plaid dress, because I figured he’d like that style. But then I remembered he can’t see the red.

He said I always wear the cutest outfits. We kissed for a while by his car. Kissed in the elevator. Kissed by the kitchen.

We were pretty passionate tonight! We kissed so much. And the sex was pretty good! Much better than last time. Probably because I got better condoms, and the light was dim.

We just had the kitchen light on, and a candle light. It was just right. And he looked better today…in part because I got more used to how his body looks I guess. He has such a cute ass, and long legs, and flat belly. His skin feels really smooth because he is essentially hairless. He has a nice tan, but he also has cute freckles.

We tried out oil sex, and he really liked it! Haha. Everyone does.

After that, we showered together, and kissed a whole bunch in the shower, like I did with Fin. It was passionate too, surprisingly!

He likes to eat me out, and he likes to get blow jobs. He actually came from that. That hasn’t happened in a while! I haven’t given blow jobs in a while.

We didn’t really take breaks to talk the first couple times. After sex, we hopped in bed, we’d start making out passionately again right away. Sometimes kissing under the blanket.

I like that he rubs my head sometimes. I like that he says I’m gorgeous. I like that he said my skin is so soft. That I’m sexy.

We are more passionate than the first time. The magnum condoms do feel better. Had his dick in me for a few minutes to see what it was like, and it felt so much better. He pulled it out fairly quickly though, saying it’s better to be safe.

He has trouble getting hard after the first two times, and was blaming the condoms. Not sure. Said when he was 18, 19, he can go 3 times without going limp. Yup, I’ve seen that! Sam was like that, at 25.

We talked about first relationship. His was when he was 17. The girl cheated on him after 6 months. What!

Later on I asked him about the marketing agency he went to. It turned out to be his biz partner Taz’s exgirlfriend’s agency. Impressive! He shared a lot of info with me. I appreciate that.

We looked at pictures of his dog, Koda. He is super handsome.

Tomorrow his mentally handicapped cousin organized a family bowling event. He showed me all the (same) text his cousin sent him. He was patient with him. It’s nice that the whole family is supportive of this cousin.

Brad is fun and affectionate. He is not super funny though. Or, not funny in the way I really like maybe. I don’t know. He did write well and his profile was funny.

I do look forward to seeing him again 🙂

3 storms are visiting Vancouver, and power went out in Richmond and New West. I couldn’t visit Sherry to pick up the apples, and Brad messaged me about power outage in his area too.

He couldn’t go climbing, so I suggested that he come over at 9pm. We were going to meet on Saturday, since he messaged me and since I can’t meet up with Sherry nor go to Point Roberts, I decided that we can meet today.

I checked his Kickstarter out earlier today and it was great! So professionally done. He looked…ok. I watched his road trip video again..he looked…ok.

He is cute, but not super cute. He looked fine at the cafe though. I like his vibe. And the kiss was nice. And him walking into a pole was super cute.

So he came. Driving a white Subaru. Turned out it only took him 15 min to get here.

There are so many parallels between him and Matthew. Both drive white cars, both live 15 min away, both rock climb 3, 4 times a week, both entrepreneurs, both 6’1, both have blue eyes, both Gemini’s.

But, I miss Matthew. Moments before meeting up with Brad, I suddenly missed Matthew a lot.

Brad has a skinny build, much like Matthew. He seems taller though. I wore the same clothes that I wore once when meeting Matthew. White top and black short skirt.

I saw his curly hair for the first time. It’s so super curly! Not very hot though.

We had sex 4 times. We used a condom because he wasn’t always good at controlling his cum.

His body was hairless which was nice. It was lean, and well proportioned. His waist was super narrow. His ass was very cute. More sculpted than Matthew’s actually. And he has a soft tan!

But his face wasn’t really doing it for me.

Sex was sorta awkward, sorta fun. We kissed a lot. But I didn’t feel the same passion I felt with Fin.

His dick was quite nice! A good size. And he was hairless down there. He said he had lots of time to “manscape” hahaha

His balls are quite perfect too, like Matthew’s! Not pink though. A bit tanned.

He likes my body a lot. At one point he looked in the mirror and was just amazed at how my body looked..said it looked better than what you get in porn.

He likes my ass, said I had perfect nipples, and smooth skin, and that I tasted good (he like eating me out), and that I didn’t look or act like a 36 yo, more like a 19 yo. Wow that’s a compliment.

But we are not too compatible in bed. I don’t like getting eaten out. And somehow I just wasn’t super into it.

Maybe the condom doesn’t do it for me. Maybe it was his face. I really don’t know.

By the 4th time, I was dry and needed to lube up with baby oil.

We didn’t have a very fun conversation until the end. We talked about business. He has some funny stories about being in Amsterdam and showing off his waterproof jeans, poured some beer on it and it soaked right through.

I like it when he talks about his business. Also when I lied beside him and looked at him from the side, his profile was quite nice.

I don’t know if I want to see him again… I probably will…but I’m not too looking forward to it.

I miss Matthew a lot. No one makes me feel that way. Excited, nervous, turned on. Will I ever find that person?

My dynamics with Brad is so different than with Will.

Brad texted right after seeing me, that it was nice meeting me, and “Let me know when you want to see me next.”

So for the first time, I asked the guy if he is free this Saturday.

He said, “I’m all yours.” Mmmm. Hot.

I said 8 or 9pm. He said Sure, what do you have in mind. I was surprised that he asked that. I said, “Sex!” haha

I said his profile says he is not looking for anything serious, and that, I am looking for something serious but I will play in the mean time.

He said he was turned on by how direct I was (about sex) and he was surprised that he wrote that on OKC. He said he is open to anything. If it develops into more, he’d like that too. That’s cute.

Right now the concern I guess is, is he really cute? Is he good in bed?

If he is, then he seems to have the type of personality I like too. Dreamer, go-getter.

If he doesn’t cheat, then I just might date this guy!

Every time I think about our kiss in front of the cafe, something down there tightens up out of horniness lol. And when I think about how he walked into a pole, it makes me laugh. Too cute.

 

 

 

Oh wow, I just had coffee with Brad from OKC, and he was such an interesting person!

I think he is 28. Gemini. Not looking for a relationship. Colour-blind. Total entrepreneur. Starting a bouldering denim brand.

He has so many interesting stories.

I didn’t expect him to be cute, but he was actually quite cute! Blue eyes, nice nose, nice-ish body. Nice shoulder width, good skin. Looked really young…maybe 16 lol. He was wearing a hat so I wasn’t sure what his hair line looked like. When he stood up, I noticed that his legs are a bit too skinny for me. But overall, he was nice-looking.

When my sweet potato latte was ready, he stood up to get it for me. That was sweet.

We talked for a solid 2 hours. He was very easy to talk to, like a typical Gemini. Bouldering, that’s a typical Gemini thing to do too. He is a lot like Matthew. Not as hot, but seemingly more sunny.

He had no trouble flirting and complementing me. He told me I look 24, and that I have high cheek bones and nice face shape so I look great without hair too. Said I was lean.

I flirted back by saying I like younger guys with no facial hair.

When we parted ways in front of the cafe, by my car and by the street, he leaned in for a kiss. I sorta didn’t expect that. And somehow that turned into a make out session! I was more attracted to him than I realized. I remembered that he was Gemini and squeezed his arms. He put his hand around my neck and chin (I think?) and my waist. It was pretty hot. I didn’t want to stop.

Then when he turned around to go to his car, he walked into a pole! It was the cutest thing I’ve ever seen. He was like, “Oh look what you did to me!” hahaha.

I was so hot an heavy I can’t even concentrate after! Ugh. So cute.

He got rear-ended on the way back, which was too bad. Said his back was sore from it. His mind was more on that instead of our makeout session I bet. But he did mention walking into the pole again, and I said it was really cute. He liked that.

 

I’m actually super nervous about second date with Will tonight.

I don’t know if he likes me, and I think he is hot. So…

I’ve been watching a lot of charisma videos by Charlie the past two days. (He is super hot!)

So I want to talk about:

1. Whiskers falling 20 floors off a building, lady on 12th floor saw her.
2. What did I do this week…
   1. hang out with some friends…thai food
   2. went to an entrepreneur group…a guy went to one of the best school in London, but had to unlearn what he learned
   3. hung out with neighbour – cat story
   4. hiring a new VA (150 applicants, IQ, icing on a cake)
   5. alopecia video – invisalign
   6. skytrain – someone took a photo of my feet
3. Jump and the net will appear
4. Acting, auditioning process – how long does it take to create the character and get into character?

—

So date with Will was fun tonight. We went to that pub by the Commercial and Broadway skytrain. Same place that Sam from OKC and I went, haha. Except Sam didn’t have 2 pieces of ID and we had to leave. This time, the waitress ID’d both of us. Maybe she just wanted to ID Will, but was being polite with me haha.

We were going to meet at Chill Winston, which is further, but I was a bit excited about it. But then he changed it to meeting at the skytrain about 2 hours prior. I was a bit disappointed, because it felt like a lesser date before it even began. But I told myself to not sweat it.

Don’t know the name of this place…but they have some really delicious beers! But I was being good and only had a cider which is gluten-free. I had sips of Will’s beers though, and they were really yummy. Best I’ve ever had actually.

We chatted a lot and never ran out of things to talk about. I think he does find me pretty funny. But he laughs in a weird way. And when he thinks what I say is funny, he repeats what I just said, and then laugh. Sometimes he covers his mouth and laughs.

He is funny sometimes. Like when he said that the Dolly Parton park would have these cup rides that are bras. 20 ppl sit in the cups. And they are actually her bras.

I don’t know how I laugh around him…maybe a bit weird too. It’s not like with, say, Monique yesterday, where I just laughed really loud.

I liked that he asked me what Universe I want to live in. We talked about a lot of them…Marvel, Star Wars, Futurama.

He stares right into my eyes no problem. He has very deep set, monolid eyes, which are quite sexy. They are a nice blue too.

He has really good hair. Shiny, full, and healthy.

There’s a bump on his nose..not sure what it is and not too attracted to that..but it’s a small bump.

His lips are unusual. Different than most people.

There were times that we talked really close…and I think if I want to I can stay at that distance and we’d end up kissing. But, I didn’t really care to.

I’m attracted to him. But, maybe not attracted enough to act on impulse.

He is not as attractive as I remember actually. But still cute.

His features remind me of Lynsey! Especially his eyes, nose, and complexion. I think he turns blonde in the summer.

He doesn’t flirt with me. That’s probably another thing about him that makes him turn me on less. I think he is attracted…but he just doesn’t flirt.

I don’t flirt unless the guy flirts first. I did give him clues though. After improv I told him that everyone agreed that he was cute and talented. And today, I mentioned how I’d go to the fridge during Mastermind meetings.

“How long are these meetings that you need to go to the fridge during it?” He asked.

“1 hour” Haha.

He said that he’s never seen me eat, I said I don’t get hungry if I’m at a party or if I’m excited or nervous. He said he’s glad that he made me feel that way.

That’s our biggest flirty conversation tonight. Lol.

Just now instead of saying he had a good time, or that I looked good tonight, he texted to tell me to let him know when I’m home safe.

And after we chatted a bit, he said, Sleep well. That’s what he said last time! That’s boring!

Matthew is the opposite. He’d get home and tell me how amazing the night was. He flirts in chat like no one else – impossibly witty and charming and adorable. Ironically, he can never do improv like Will can. But I’m more similar to Matthew. Still miss and want that guy. Though I’m starting to see where he is lacking. Especially compared to Charlie.

When we parted ways today, Will gave me a big tight hug and he said that he hopes to see me again. No kiss. But I’m not surprised. He takes it slow.

I’m not rushed. But I’m also not interested in dating him anymore. He is not as cute as I remembered and he is too different. Also he is needing a job at a bar in order to make ends meet as an actor. That’s understandable, but, he is going to be limited to doing only free and cheap things together as a couple. That’s ok as a friend, but not as ok as a boyfriend.

Take, our date, for example. It’s not even dinner!

I would aim to eventually make out with him, and then be friends with benefits if possible. He seems like a really nice guy.

I don’t know what’s on his mind though. Maybe he is thinking the same. Maybe he has other better candidates. Maybe he doesn’t want a friend with benefits.

—

I was downtown today for my invisalign appointment. I looked good I guess. Lots of guys checking me out. Or, my hair out. One stopped me in front of Dressew and asked me who does my hair. Then he told me he lived in Shanghai for 2 years and started talking Mandarin to me.

When I was waiting for the skytrain, a woman came up to me to tell me how wonderful my hair looked.

I saw a few cute guys down town. There were 2 on the skytrain! Wow. That’s high density. There was one that I saw walking past that looked like Chris, the hot guy on Tinder who ghosted me before we even met. He also looked maladjusted and grumpy, kinda like how I imagined Chris to be in person. Maybe it was him!

The guys I find cute never check me out or asks me out though. Can’t it just happen once! A cute guy asking me out?

 

 

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I haven’t been very productive at all.

Today, I worked out. I wrote some emails. That was it.

I browsed online, I listened to Happiness Advantage audio book. I discovered the youtube channel “Charisma on Command” and watched it like an addict. I watched Mr. Robot. I watched more of Charisma.

I’m now in love with this youtuber, Charlie Houpert. But I’ll never have someone like that. He is out of my league.

What is my league?

I feel so old and unattractive.

I’m settling all the time, each day, to less, it seems.

Maybe OKCupid and Zoosk are what’s bringing me down.

I think I need to cut these out of my life.

All of them. Tinder, Bumble, Happn.

I’m too old for some of these apps, and too young for some other apps.

I think the only way is to meet people in real life.

My husband, the love of my life, is like this:

He loves me for who I am. He loves how I look without hair, loves how I look with hair. He loves the person I am, loves my attitude towards life, and is inspired by me.

I never doubt his love for me. He is patient, cute, loving, sincere, dedicated, and inspiring. He is monogamous like me. We are there for each other 100%. We love each other.

We are soul mates. We thank our lucky stars that we get to be together in this life. We are each other’s number one fan. We admire, adore, and cherish each other.

We make each other happier. We make each other better.

I’m a movement by myself.
But I’m a force when we’re together.

“Make me better” will be our song.

I think my manifestation power is growing, so I want to make my vision clear.

I’ll meet my love at either Tony Robin’s event this November, or at Ryan Moran’s event this December.

He is rich, successful, fun, funny, smart, witty, loving, loyal, adventurous, creative, like me.

He is around the same age as me, cute and young-looking, has a nice body, like me.

He is ambitious, like me. He has the same wants and goals as me.

He is passionate, romantic, and amazing in bed, like me.

He has a positive attitude towards life. He has friends. He is a thoughtful, encouraging, patient, supportive, and caring person. He is good natured, not hot tempered like me. I learn from him. We learn from each other.

Most of all, we love each other equally much. There’s an abundance of love. Never lacking. We can’t help but lavish each other in love!

 

The truth is that I still miss this guy.

No one is as funny, witty, hot, attentive in bed, cute, ambitious, successful, and similar to me as Matthew.

No one else can turn me on so much and give me 14 orgasms. The way he kisses my ears is perfect. The way he fucks me is perfect. Everything about him is perfect.

I miss him so much still. I miss having sex with him, I miss chatting with him.

But I gotta let it go. Free my mind.

He’ll never be the one, as much as I want him to be.

I want him all to myself. I want to be in a monogamous relationship. At least, I think I do.

I want someone who can love how I look without hair. I think he just accepts it but doesn’t love it.

Those are my two deal makers: monogamy and love for who I am.

Matthew is perfect in every way, but he can’t be those two.