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I still miss Patrick. I keep talking to myself about how much I love him and how much I miss him. It’s kinda crazy.
I saw him a month ago. Yet I still miss him so much.
It wasn’t even the best encounter…I don’t know why he sits so deeply in my heart.
I know we can’t be together. Not for long periods of time. But I really hope we can still see each other twice a year. Unless, I find a super hot and super sweet boyfriend 🙂
Funny how I just realized, after writing my “perfect day”, that being with someone I love and being loved is that important to me.
I mean, the idea of perfect day is different from a perfect life. It’s like a photograph as opposed to a movie. A frozen state as opposed to a progression.
So, what’s my prefect life? Hmmm….maybe that’s a good question, maybe not. If I were to write it 20 years ago, I would’ve said, no alopecia. But, having alopecia had taught me a lot of things. In any case, I’ll write it as a good exercise 🙂
Perfect day. I spend the whole day with someone who loves me and who I love. He is the hottest person alive. He is the funnest person I know. He adores me, admires me, inspires me.
We spend the day trying out new things together, experiencing this world and all the exciting things it has to offer. We share the most amazing, unforgettable moments together.
We make love, with so much passion, so much love, so much romance and sensuality. It feels so good that we can go on and on forever. But we know that there is forever, so we feel content. So much content – our happiness is pouring over the brim.
We have incredible, stimulating conversations, about life, about us. We laugh so much, we feel so deeply connected and happy in each other’s presence. We are so grateful of each other.
We have so much fun together. We respect each other so much.
Our love is deep and eternal. We know that we are forever young, and our love is evergreen.
That’s the perfect day.
I took at $90 cab from the ferry to Burnaby today. Mom encouraged me to.
There was no PCL for the 6pm ferry, and I had 2 heavy suitcases. Bussing would’ve been rough. Mom said, “You’re making $20k/month, don’t rough it.”
I’ve been poor for so long, it was hard to. But I did. It was quite nice.
After spending 2 weeks in Victoria, I was rather looking forward to spending some time alone in Burnaby.
Mom and I drove to the ferry and arrived at 4:55pm, just in time to catch the 6pm ferry tickets going on sale. Mom hugged me and left. I proceeded to eat all the food she packed for me: slices of her famous beef, 2 wine marinated eggs, a banana, a few slices of swiss cheese from Costco, and tea.
Sometimes I really dread all the prep work and time needed for me to get to and from Victoria. The truth is, Mom does 10x more. She really is great.
As I sat there eating my food, Matthew messaged me a cat sticker. It’s always a sweet surprise to get a message from him. He has been really cute.
He had just messaged me last night…and today he messaged me again. He is like my virtual boyfriend.
Our first couple times messaging each other was the best. It’s not as awesome since then, but it’s still fun to chat with him. He is funny, smart, charming. A true Gemini. This also means that he is a cheater and a flirt.
But I can’t help but want to chat with him. Last night we chatted ’til bed time. I was so horny when I woke up. And today, chatting with him made the ferry lateness even more tolerable. He makes me laugh. There had been several times the past 6 years where I felt sad, and he cheered me up with his flirting.
He is all I’ve got right now for sexual stimulation. He is still not single…and I’m still single. It’s not ideal. I don’t know when and if we are ever gonna have sex…but, I guess a bit of flirting is better than me being all alone.
I still think about Patrick. Damn guy didn’t message me back. But I miss him and I find myself saying that I love him. I guess it’s because he was the last guy I slept with. And he likes how I look without hair.
I think if I had good sex with Matthew, I’d be hung up on him instead.
For me, ideally, he’d break up with his gf, and propose to have a fling with me for 1 month. After that, one of us goes away briefly, and we end the fling. We can still be friends with benefits. I don’t know if that’s realistic, but that’s my ideal.
What’s more likely gonna happen, is that he’ll keep dating his gf for months. By the time they break up, it’s when he’s almost found someone else to date. Me and him might sleep together once, but then he’ll quickly get into another relationship, and I won’t hear from him for a while, ’til 6 months in and he is sick of his date again.
There’s not a romantic bone in him. Not for me anyway.
Lately I feel that there’s no guy that I find physically attractive or remotely attractive, that wants to take me out on a date. They just want to have sex.
Sigh.
I think thinking about all this is futile. I’m just gonna do my best to look good, and then I’m gonna play volleyball, and take up martial arts. Maybe I’ll meet someone, maybe I won’t. I hope I make lots of cool new friends that’s all! 🙂
Sincere fling would be the dream. Does it exist? Please make it happen!
One more date fell through today.
That’s ok, I wasn’t feeling it anyway. I wasn’t feeling this whole OKC thing this year. I felt that it wasn’t meant to be.. Even though I did get an email from OKC at random asking me to go back on, I felt un-enthusiastic through-out.
Maybe it’s a combination of me feeling a bit worse about my alopecia after a trip with Afiya.
Maybe I really can’t pull off bald as much as a mohawk.
In any case, I give up. No more dating. I don’t go out of my way to avoid it, but I won’t put in extra effort anymore.
This coming year, it’s about developing skills at a new hobby, growing my biz, making lots of money, and obtaining more amazing, mind-blowing experiences.
Will I sleep with Patrick again? Will I sleep with Matthew again? Will I sleep with another cute boy again? Who knows. Time to just stop thinking about those things.
I can’t hang on to them forever. I’m 35. I’ve peaked.
Now is really the time to consider paying for sex. I wish I was joking, but I’m not.
My sex drive has changed too. I probably care less….and more able to live with not having sex ever again. It’s still fucking awful, but it’s tolerable now.
Look at the spinsters around me. Nicole hasn’t had sex in over 5 years. Cat, over 2. Christy, over 2. Sum finally did after settling for a man not a boy.
I feel sad, but also feel that I need to be zen about it.
Maybe the world will change too. Reverse aging. More open-minded culture about older women. Sex robots.
Funny how I just wrote a blog about it being fine that I’m not doing well with dates on OKC, I came across this video:
From my experience, it seems that if something is on my mind, something related to it will come up. But, they are not necessarily the best things or the right things.
I do need to think about what I want though.
Experience on OK Cupid and with guys in general have been shitty.
So many guys that contacted me were not my type. The ones that looked ok just wanted to hook up. It’s hard to not change the way you look at yourself when the world sees you differently than before.
Is there something wrong with me? Am I too bald? Too weird?
Patrick messages me back *eventually*, but really inconsistent. He is really not someone I hold close to my heart any more. I can’t.
Norm can be so boring in his interaction with me these days. It was good for a while but now it’s just lame. I dunno if it’s because he was distracted when I texted him? In any case, I don’t feel that I need him right now. I think vice versa.
Dylan, who I thought would’ve been a good friend and potential love interest if I can get past his ugliness, turned out to be flakey and not very thoughtful. I thought he’d be sweeter and nicer because he was ugly. Turned out he was just socially inept. That’s a lost cause.
Ty is actually a cool guy, but I don’t know if I can be attracted to him. Also, he is off-limits because Cyn still loves him. Also, he shows no sign of being interested in me. A bit strange since we get along well and have so much in common.
The cutest person in my  life right now is Matthew. Awww…that name still gives me the butterflies after six years.
He has been so cute, so smart, so funny, and such a turn-on. He thinks of me often, it seems. Always finding excuses to message me. Of course, it’s because he is in a boring end-part of a relationship, and because he is horny, and because we haven’t seen each other in a long time and we both painted the memories as probably more amazing and flawless than it was.
Not to mention, he is still a narcissistic, materialistic, and shallow person, who cheats on his girlfriends.
This won’t last, I know. But all I can hope for is to enjoy whatever I can get now, which isn’t much.
I’m so immensely sad and misanthropic right now. I don’t really want to reach out, but I feel myself shrinking into my own world if I don’t… but my reluctant outreach only results in more pain, attracting the most non-quality people into my life, or the most unattainable, polyamorous people such as Patrick and Matthew who won’t lead to happiness.
I find it so hard to love anyone or want anyone. No one from OK Cupid is worth the time it seems.
I’m starting to think that it could be because I have alopecia?
Then again, no one good at volleyball wanted me. Maybe I’m just not hot enough for the hot guys?
Maybe it’s the end of an era. I’m no longer fuckable. Or maybe I’m no longer in the know. The guys I’m attracted to physically, I can no longer relate.
I don’t know what to do. I guess I’ll just focus on business. Attend some meet ups.
What does my ideal life look like?
What makes me happy?
– Being amazed. For example when I saw sharks and parrot fish.
– Having great sex. By great I mean it’s very sensual, very intimate, very passionate.
– Doing a fun sport such as wave machine surfing
– Making money and being successful due to my talent (at least in part haha)
– Freedom:
– no financial burden – buy any small to medium sized items I want, such as food at a restaurant, a trip, an expensive backpack
– no time burden – can travel, have fun, without worrying about time
– no location burden – I don’t have to be somewhere. I can be anywhere.
– Enjoy the luxuries of life
– fancy hotels
– exclusive experiences
– pampering spas
– effective anti-aging treatments
– expensive trips
Mom is healthy, wealthy, and happy.
Dad is healthy, wealthy, and happy.
Have sincere, stimulating, funny, loyal friends.
What are important to me?
What are my core values?
“dignity,” “love,” “fame,” “family,” “excellence,” “wealth” and “wisdom.”
Wow.
I prayed the other day to have cute guys in my life, that I want love now.
My goddess answered.
Matthew chatted with me, then yesterday, saw a super cute guy on the bus to the ferry, a cute 25 yo entrepreneur / traveller contacted me on OKC, and today, Patrick wrote me back. Norm also showed up at Mom’s door.
It’s as though all the cute boys woke up and came into my life!!
I was so happy.
My Amazon ring sales today is great too! 41 so far.
I cried again the 3rd day after Patrick had left. I was in so much pain. I cried just before going to bed. I asked my Goddess for help. I wanted to feel better.
The next day, Matthew messaged me all of a sudden. That was yesterday. We had such a fun chat. I felt so much better!
Today, he messaged me again. It was also fun.
He did make me feel sad 6 years ago, and it took me a while to let him into my life. But he persisted and stayed in my life, online. Several times when I felt sad, him flirting with me on Facebook helped. I guess that made up for the initial pain he caused me.
Maybe he is a soul mate of some sort. He’s been there a few times. He’s been in my life for 6 years! We met when he was 24 and I was 29. He is 30 now.
Like Patrick, he is not the best type of guy. He gets so much attention from girls because he is hot, and he caves. He’s cheated.
Like Patrick, he is quite self-centred and at the same time super charming.
Oh, and they are both Geminis.
(I suddenly remembered how he stopped talking to me a few times. Hmmm…..I’m not as smitten now.)
But I was smitten earlier today. I had a big grin on my face just thinking about the fun conversations we had.
He is so quick-witted and funny. And he knows what to say to make me feel good.
My favourite conversations were:
Me:Â would be hard if you were 6 inches away
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