We went to Gili T island this weekend.
We stayed at the beautiful Gili Ocean Club. Sam and I shared a room. We got the nicest room!
Let me just quickly sum up the weekend.
First night, Friday, we biked to the beach, watched sunset with horses and swings, and ate tuna steaks by the beach. At the beach during sunset, Sam and I did some acroyoga. Another couple wanted to learn from us. It was fun! At dinner, Sam and I swung in the hammock. We touched each other in the private area a little bit, right beside a table with 3 Chinese women haha. At night we played in the pool. Sam put me on his shoulders. We had lots of fun. I had fun chatting with everyone too. At night, we didn’t make out, but we cuddled.
Saturday morning, Sam and I went jogging together, exploring the island a bit at the same time. He ran a bit further while I did some yoga. Then we did some acroyoga by the beach. We are getting better! Ran back, got a bit lost in the winding alleys.
At around 10:30am, we went on a 6-hour snorkel tour. We saw tons of beautiful fish, blue coral, and giant turtles! I realized I hadn’t been very supportive of him in his jokes, so I made an effort to laugh at his jokes. I think it helped raise our vibration a bit. He think he became a bit more affectionate. Considering how he kept telling me we shouldn’t be showing too much affection publicly, he was surprisingly affectionate. Sometimes biting me, sometimes pouring water on me sexily. When I was getting on the boat, he held me and took my fins off for me. Wow.
We had lunch at a beautiful place with a pool. While waiting for food, Kent, Berta and I wondered off to it. I picked up a giant shell and said, Look what I found! Half a mermaid bra! At the same time Sam showed up. We played in the pool, doing flips into it.
Food still hadn’t arrived. I told him that there was a patch of grass that would be perfect for acroyoga. We went there. He said, Remember when we were at the winery in Capetown, playing on the bouncing castles? Yes. “That was fun.” “Yes it was!”
The grass was perfect, and we did the Throne pose perfectly! It was awesome.
Right after getting back from snorkelling, Sam found a mushroom place and we each had a shake (2 cones each). We were both so excited! Sadly, the night didn’t turn out the way we imagined. We got back to the room, and we both felt a bit sick. (It happens sometimes. It’s not unusual.) We synchronized puked in our couple sinks. It was the funniest part of the night for me.
We felt a bit better and went to get some food then went to the beach. He felt the effect of the mushroom and saw me with a reptilian skin. I didn’t feel much at all. I was sad.
We sat at the beach at one point, and he wanted to talk about how we are not meant to be, again. I didn’t want to talk about it. We talked about how Filipa is probably attracted to him. She is always there, hovering near Sam. It has become annoying! I mentioned that it was probably why she was such a loner during snorkelling; because she was sad. Sam didn’t realize that but after I mentioned it, he became conscious of it. He felt bad. And he said he is attracted to her and interested in seeing how that goes. I was furious and hurt. WTF.
He wanted to not be what we are. He felt that it was a waste of his time. He wanted to meet other people. Wow. I can’t believe it. He just keeps on changing his mind, every single fucking day.
It really hurt to hear all that. To hear him say that he won’t be hurt because he is not in love with me. But he would be hurt if I was hurt because he cared about me.
Eventually we decided that we’ll take it slow. Basically continue to do what we do, except with me assuring him that I didn’t want more, and him assuring me that he won’t be sleeping with Filipa.
I feel that he is such a difficult person to be with, no matter what.
At night, we came back to the hotel finding Filipa and Dile and Jason by the pool. Dile was doing a tarot reading for Jason. Filipa went back into her room, and, I swear, reappeared with better hair. She eyed Sam with a seductive look, and avoided making eye contact with me. I was extra pissed.
Later in the night, Sam did a tarot reading with Dile. I laughed with Johan and Andrew. They are super funny. Andrew comes up with the funniest “Would you rather” questions!
Sam went to bed before me. I went to the bedroom and found him texting on his phone. Then he fell asleep way off to his side of the bed. He didn’t cuddle with me all night. I was deeply hurt. I almost messaged Filipa to tell her to fuck off.
Sunday morning comes, and I had a better idea. I invited the girls to go for a run with me. Only Filipa was able to come. Good. I wanted to have a chat with her.
As I was heading out, Sam woke up. He smiled at me as if nothing weird had happened between. Maybe his lonesomeness had nothing to do with me.
I gave me lots of face kisses and said I’m going for a walk with Filipa.
I just wanted to bond with her better. If she is my friend, she will, hopefully, be less of a bitch to me and think twice before coming in between me and Sam.
We walked for a while, Filipa and I. She has a good heart. She took on too much. She wasn’t very fun to talk to though. And she walked really slowly. We didn’t quite bond.
I was proud of myself for making the best of the situation though. I wasn’t overly upset about Sam. I looked for ways to protect myself.
At around 10:30am, I went scuba diving with some of the tribe. Sam wanted to work a bit and have alone time.
I took a refresher because I hadn’t dove in 4 years. Not since Thailand. The diving instructor was quite cute! And funny! He was from BC, Canada. He had amazing eyes and nose.
The dive was beautiful. We saw a resting shark, a giant turtle about the size of me. I wasn’t super impressed though. I had seen beautiful fish and sharks in Thailand already, and we saw turtles yesterday at snorkelling.
I guess it takes a lot to impress me these days. Not sure what to think of it!
We got back and Justin and the gang are about to go get some mushroom shakes. Filipa asked them to wait for 2 minutes. They left without her. She was mad. What’s up with this tribe??
Julia and I decided to go with Filipa to the beach, where they were doing mushroom. We weren’t gonna take any.
Sam and Jason had come back, and said they will catch up to us.
Justin and Julia weren’t doing great. Justin was out with the guys and didn’t spend any alone time with Julia. Now he had pissed Filipa off too. Julia told F to yell at Justin for her once we get to the beach. Haha.
We got to the beach and Filipa had a shake. Julia refused to take anything. I was undecided, but eventually went for it. I’m glad I did. I finished the bottom of a plastic jug lol. Then David, a sweet guy from Holland, gave me another glass. He said, fuck it, just do it. He knew I took too little last time (yesterday). And he said he’ll guide me. That was sweet of him.
I didn’t get sick this time. My knees got weak again though, like last time. I just lied there, looking at the stars. They had started to move!
Sam messaged me, asking if I did any. He said he wanted to come to me.
I felt safe when he’s arrived. He came to me and lied on top of me on the bean bag. It was sweet.
But Filipa was beside us, and she took off as Sam and I got close. Ugh. Sam noticed that and went to lie down somewhere else.
At that time I felt like being alone though, so it was ok by me.
Filipa was laughing a lot and having a good time though. I wished I wasn’t so weak. I wished I could dance. But I just wanted to sleep.
Eventually I got up. I could feel Sam taking note of it. And I think to his surprise, David came to me and walked to the water with me. He tried to help me enjoy it.
At some point, I felt like sitting at the beach alone. When I closed my eyes, I saw some patterns, but nothing too clear. But it’s bright. It was a strange feeling to open my eyes and see night time in this world, and it felt like a different reality.
I looked for Sam but didn’t find him. I sat back down and messaged him to please come. He came fairly quickly. He sat behind me and put his legs around me. He kissed me and made me laugh. I felt so loved and protected. He asked if I ate, I said not since lunch. He wanted to get me some water. He went away for 10 seconds, and Alex had come to talk to me. And Andrew. And Jason. They made me laugh too. And they made me feel cared for. I saw Sam come back with the water, but was waiting on the side, and eventually just gently put the water beside me and left. Alex said, Sam is a good guy.
Sam really did take good care of me while I was high. I really appreciated that.
We went for a walk on the beach. I was laughing a lot. And I laughed like a kid. He was being quit sexy and caring. He was telling me something and I interrupted him to tell him he has a sexy voice and accent. He didn’t like me changing the subject, but I told him it’s because I liked what he was doing so much, I wanted to compliment him.
While high, I found it easier to say these things, and in a tone of an amused little child. It’s my inner child.
We meditated together on the beach for a bit. I suddenly felt that I could feel everyone’s pain. I cried. I said I didn’t know why there’s so much pain. I didn’t have that pain. I thought I could help. I thought I just needed to show up. I think it’s that side of me believing that I am a part of the Goddess of Compassion.
Sam would ask me to calm down when I went too far. I kinda wanted to go further. But he didn’t want me to make a scene at the beach.
We kissed. He started touching me down there and making me so horny. I was so into it, but every time I opened my eyes, he was in my face, looking at me, smiling, instead of being really into it himself. Not sure if that’s a good thing.
Part of me wonder if he was really nervous about being with me, and wanted to wait ’til I’m high.
We decided to go home and do more to each other.
Sam wanted to buy more mushroom first. Mushroom is a funny drug. You can pull yourself out of it and act quite normal. Then you get let yourself go and be a little crazy.
He had most of it, I took a sip. Then, the music at the mushroom booth was good, so we started dancing. Like, kind of a crazy dance. I was surprised that I could let go like that!
Later on Andrew told us that someone in the tribe said, look at those two..they are made for each other! If only they know the truth, ha.
Then we socialized a bit with the rest of the group. Kumar was cuddling with Berta. Johan, Andrew, and others were there.
We locked up our bikes and walked home.
I needed to use a washroom, and Sam tried very hard to find me one. At first he tried to pay for us to use the washroom. Everyone said, try the next store. I guess we looked a bit crazy. He quickly figured it won’t work like that. He offered to buy water, then the guy let us use the washroom. He is smart.
We got home, and I think our drug has worn off by then. We tried to have sex, but he couldn’t get hard. He wasn’t present either. He wasn’t looking me in the eye. He said he isn’t ready. Sigh. He is so small, and couldn’t get hard. I think it’s not just that he wasn’t ready.
We talked, he had lots of thoughts to send to himself.
We talked a lot about the dark side within him (he doesn’t think he deserves to bo alive), his ex, etc. He kept going into excited modes and was recording messages to his mom, family, friends. I was shocked by his dark side. I didn’t know that kind of a feeling can exist! At least we cuddled that night.
I decided I needed to masturbate. He said he was tired. But when I did start touching myself, he started touching me, and gave me an orgasm using his hand. Impressive actually. Usually only I can do that.
His touch is so gentle though. Almost can’t feel it. He is super sensitive and delicate.
Then, I touched him and gave him an orgasm too.
He came onto me and I took a shower. When I came out, he was texting his ex, Pat.
Sigh. He was still talking to her! I don’t want to tell him to stop anymore. He needs to learn that himself.
The next morning I woke up to a bit of a high still, I think. I was more calm, more centred, more present. I went downstairs and learned that Alex and Andrew felt that way too. Many people did.
I was thrilled to see that I was now able to make very good eye contact with people! I told Sam after I got back into our room. He was so thrilled too. I know he loves seeing me grow.
We stare into each other’s eyes for a bit. He appreciated that I told him about this discovery!
He said a couple times that morning that I looked beautiful. I was extra beautiful to him that day. Was it because I was more centred? Or because I had makeup on haha.
He went to beach with Filipa to fetch our bikes. I asked if I should come, because there were 3 bikes. He said no, he can take two. I decided to let them have their alone time. I don’t know what he’ll say to her, but I needed to trust him.
When they came back, I greeted them from our balcony. I wanted her to know that I was fully aware of Sam going with her alone.
If I were to notice anything, I’d say Sam was more attentive to me after.
When Sam and I walk in the streets, many local men (4 or 5 a day) would say to me, “Nice hair!” They love how I look. Sometimes Sam would say, What about me? Because he has pretty much the same hair as me right now haha. Actually today (last day on the island), I guess our vibe was so good, two people randomly said to us, “Nice couple!”
I went to get my nails done with Filipa, like we are BFFs. They did such a bad job I had to tell them to stop! I ended up getting just a clear coating.
He had a smoke on the balcony and I was going somewhere (probably massage with Berta). He said, You’re a beautiful space giraffe pterodactyl lobster mermaid (something like that), and smiled at me. I smiled and ran back to him and kissed him on the lips.
Berta, James, and I went for a massage. Gili Inn Spa. It was the best massage in Indonesia so far! I felt that I lost the mushroom high (or centred-ness) after though. I felt tired.
I called Mom while we were about to leave for the boat. Sam came up to tell me that we are leaving in 2 minutes. He was sweeter today.
Sam bought a volleyball so we played with it on the beach while waiting for our boat. For the first time I can teach him a sport!
At one point the ball went too far, and I just plunged into the water. My denim shorts were completely wet! Sam couldn’t stop laughing at that. Haha. I think he appreciates that quality about me – going after what I want even if my shorts get completely soaked!
We sat together on the boat, Berta joined us at one point. Sam leaned to the side to fall asleep. At one point he just left, and slept with Jason. Later on I got sea sick and lied down. Berta left. I was cold, so I asked Sam for his sarong. He came over and tucked me in with his sarong. In front of F. He was super sweet.
Andrew, Jame, Sam, and I shared a cab home. At one point, Andrew said something funny and Sam and I both laughed non stop. Andrew said, “I’ve never seen a couple this happy. Last night when you were dancing together, someone said, look at those too! They are perfect together. They are meant to be together.”
We both smiled and said nothing. If only he knew how difficult it’s been for me, and how much Sam resists me.