Month: November 2023

I’ve been swallowed whole by my sadness.

Noveween 2023 – people had fun but, noise complaint and had to turn music off and keep quiet all night.

I would say, 25% of why I hosted this party was to see Sid. It backfired. He didn’t come and didn’t tell me. Not only did I not get to see him, I will now swear off of him.

I didn’t think it was a test, but he failed completely.

It left me feeling really sad. Utterly sad.

I’m destroyed pretty much. I have not liked anyone in such a long time. Shuto was a bust. Brian was a bust. And now Sid…one with most potential…. is a bust. Not to mention getting ghosted about 90% of the time on Bumble after a couple of messages. Each person has been as awful as can be.

Suraj is sweet. But I don’t have butterflies for him. Sigh.

For the past week, I’ve been drowning in my sorrows. My sleep is fucked (update: just realized it’s mainly because I’ve been drinking cocao and it’s full of magnesium, even more than sunflower seeds!) My eating habit is fucked (just eating a bunch of leftover chips from the party). I have had no motivation to work. And I just want to burst out crying and fully give up on finding someone.

People who have found someone…their lives don’t seem that great either anyway.

Cyndi has been my BFF and I’d leave her voice messages lamenting about my sorrows. I’ve come to realize that she is useless though. She is a kind and genuine person with a great sense of humour….but she is really lacking in the ability/insight to encourage and support me. She is the punching bag in relationships (including friendship). She is not a role model at all.

I wish I had a wiser BFF.

---

Today I dreamt about 2 birds coming near my bedroom. I reached out my hands to signal them to come in, and they did. Awwww.

They were beautiful. Green, orange, and yellow. I googled the name of the bird after, and turned out they were love birds!

They landed on my fingers. A bug flew by and I tried to get them to eat it. One kind of missed it so I had to catch the bug to feed to it, and it worked.

It felt quite vivid. I woke up and felt pretty thrilled about this dream.

I googled what it meant. Well, positive things. Hopefully it means I’m gonna find love soon <3

---

I had to really pull a brain twister to “balance myself out” when thinking about how Sid has been behaving.

He didn’t say anything and didn’t show. On Monday, 2 days after the party, I called out each of the 5 people who didn’t show, and said in the Noveween group that they should’ve tried to show and if not, at least let the host know.

Sid immediately dm’d me an apology. Still, his excuse was “unplanned emergency”. How unplanned was it that he can’t say something 2 days after?

On Wednesday, I went to a cold plunge. A week prior, Sid said, “For sure I’m coming to cold plunge next week”. Well, he didn’t show and didn’t say a word.

I was shattered. How little can someone care? Well, he showed it.

I slept so much the past 2 days. I was drained from ruminating about this and feeling hurt.

Finally, today I feel a bit more normal. I’m more able to see that his bad behaviour is not necessary a reflection of how he feels about me. And certainly not a reflection of me.

It’s natural to think that, “If you care then you would have done this and wouldn’t have done that”. Well, the truth is, people do all sorts of things that don’t make sense.

For example, that girl who encouraged her crush to ask another girl out and offered her place for the two of them to stay. She had to listen to them have sex while she cry herself to sleep at night. Made no sense.

Alex obviously felt something strong towards me, and his behaviour was to ghost me. Made no sense.

I try to imagine that Sid has a mental illness such as bi-polarism. Or that he his real reason for not able to come was embarrassing so he can’t really tell me (mental illness, physical illness, something traumatic or situational). Who knows.

The point is, don’t take it personally. He did his best, which was apologizing after I called him out.

Also, I need to remember, there is absolutely attraction between us. THAT is undeniable. We both felt it, I know. There might be other things clouding the attraction, but deep down I know we had something.

I didn’t want to test him and have him fail miserably….but at least now I know for sure that he is not the one for me.

I definitely want a mentally healthy, reliable, funny, happy, and caring person in my life.

Honestly Suraj is the best so far. But he is fat. And he is not playful in a way that gives me butterfly, or funny in a way that makes me laugh super hard.

I’ll keep looking or die trying lol.

 

 

Bunny hasn’t been very talkative to me lately, so I stopped calling him.

I think I know why he wasn’t very talkative. When the stocks don’t do well, he shies from talking to me.

Nothing personal.

Now that stocks are doing better again, he was calling me yesterday and today, and being sweet.

I’m learning what he is like, and I’m learning to be likeable to him. Even though he doesn’t want to have sex with me. Most likely that’s not personal either. But that’s fine by me. He was never great in bed anyway.

I told him that I’m considering a facelift.

Like I predicted, he is opposed to it and says I don’t need it.

I want to do more research, and more face yoga.

The thing is, I also want to have fox eyes and a shorter filtrum. Not just to have a face lift.

I figure that, if I’m gonna do something to look better, why not do it now so I look better sooner? There is a risk though. Mainly scarring I think. I don’t know if my body is good at healing from scars. Asians can have that issue.

There are more and more advanced and better methods to anti-age too. So if I wait a bit longer, these technologies will have arrived or matured. I can imagine that there’s gonna be a way to tighten and lift the deep tissue without surgery.

Good news: Been at least a week now that I noticed my lip venous lake is in remission! That’s amazing! I wonder if it’s the cold plunge that’s been helping with this.

Dating: Well, dating after 40 has definitely not been fun. It’s hard to even find a guy that is fit.

On Monday, I went on a date with a tech co-founder. He is half black, 1/4 Irish, 1/4 native American. He was ok cute, but a lil fat. He was 37. I bet he was quite cute in his 20s. He was boring.

Earlier that day,  I played spikeball with Sid, Suraj, John, Nick, and Andrew.

Was surprised that Sid was coming. So far him and Suraj are the only ones who have not missed a single game that I put on. And that’s about 6 games now in the past 7 or 8 weeks. But he was always so last minute to confirm. And he never messaged me back when I messaged him on whatsapp. I felt very hurt and confused.

Early on, I didn’t feel much towards him. First time seeing him, I did notice that he played in a unique way and it was kinda hot. He didn’t seem interested in me at all, but he came by to hug me before leaving, so maybe there was a little something there.

The second time I noticed him was maybe a month later, when he said yes to my spikeball invite to the group. I had forgotten who he was. But when he played, I remembered. I thought he was ok cute but not especially cute.

Maybe it was the third time…I was a little interested. I can’t remember if it was this time or the previous time, he made that software joke and cracked me up. I think he loved that. At the end of the games, he wanted to ride back downtown together, and I was like, whatever. But then it clicked that maybe he liked me, and suddenly I was more interested.

4th time, he came over to Douglas park. He hugged me in such a way that I was so sure that he was interested. Like he put his body and heart into it, and it lasted longer than needed. We played a game together and we won. We were great as a team. There was another time where he won against me and he seemed to remember that one more, strangely. At one point I pointed out that a guy doing crossfit workout beside us had his shoe laces untied. Sid ran over immediately to let the guy know. That was cute on so many levels. He was responsive to me. He sorta flirted but was almost more talking to Amy…pretty sure he was just diverting his attention to her in order to mask his interests in me. We’d stand close to each other like there was a gravity pull. He’d tease me and I’d try to get him. Amy insisted that we take a group photo, and I lay on top of him like we’ve known each other for a long time. It was a really good day. It was also around this time that I noticed he had really light coloured eyes. Quite cute.

Oh and there’s another time a few days later, a Wednesday regular meetup. I was hoping he’d come but he didn’t. Suddenly he showed up (briefly). He came by to say hi and said he’ll be back. I gave me a tight hug as soon as he showed and he hugged me right back. I waited for him but he never came back. That was the day Cyndi came to visit.

6th time seeing him was on the way to Brian’s Intuitives dinner at Joey’s. That was the peak of my feelings for him. He was on my mind as I was walking…then suddenly I saw him… so it felt like manifestation! We hugged a big hug. He picked me up, I giggled loudly and put my legs around him. He flirted with me a bit. But then he apologized for not coming back that day because he was on a date. He was trying to get out of that date because she looked nothing like her photos he said. I heart sank that he was going on dates when I was crazy about him. Even sadder after, because I told him I had messaged him, and he never responded. He clearly didn’t want to have a conversation with me.

7th time seeing him was another spikeball meetup I arranged. It had been a couple of weeks and I wanted to see him, but was not sure how I felt about him because he never messaged me back. I dressed up so nice, in my pink banana power outfit. He came late and I pretended to not have seen him, Instead I laughed extra hard playing with others. He came over to hug me and I gave him a normal quick hug. When we were finally about to play on the same team, he took off to play with another team. That made me mad. I ignored him the rest of the time. Well, we ignored each other. But towards the end of the games, he came from behind me and blindfolded me during my game. Childish yes, but after realizing it was him, I laughed and fell into his arms. He was the perfect height for me. What was it? 5’9″? I asked him to be my arms while I played. It was a bit too awkward to have him spoon me in front of all the guys….we did it for a few seconds then gave up. But…for sure there was something there. He was the perfect spoon size lol.

8th time I saw him was Monday. Still upset that he never messaged me back. Was glad that I had this date in the evening to distract me. I was not as into him as I would’ve been. As a result, I was more calm, and some of what happened was a bit less memorable to me. When he came, there were 3 of us. As we started to play, Suraj came. I almost wished he didn’t because I just wanted Sid. 4 people meant we didn’t have to rotate off. But it was fine. Suraj was a gentleman. And took time out of his busy day to come out. Sid didn’t even have to work that day and played tennis before.

When Sid came, I was not especially enthusiastic. No hug. We played a game where we were enemies. I hardly ever played with him, and when we did, we always played on opposing teams. So the second time this happened, I said, “I wanna play with Sid, we never play together”. “What? We always play together,” he said. I said not on the same team. He said he didn’t wanna play with me because I high-five too hard. Faire enough. Everyone said that lol. I said fine I’ll only do soft high fives.

Before we started, Nick and Suraj did a chest bump. Sid said we should do it too. I said no, I have tits. He said, ok ass. There was a video that John took of Nick and Suraj chest bumping, followed by me and Sid ass bumping. Pretty funny.

Sid and I won the game. Pretty exciting! I kinda initiate a hug. He took it further and lifted me up and spun me around. I can’t remember if I laughed.

Then he said we needed to do another ass bump. I reluctantly agreed…he was gonna have a run start at me and I wasn’t sure about that.

Nick posted a video of Sid and I going for a low ball. He got there first. I dove and was on the ground. He held his hand out for me while waiting for me to laugh and recover from it….it was kinda sweet. If it wasn’t on film I wouldn’t have remembered it.

Another cute moment was him showing me his thigh to distract me. Or the side of his waste. Or doing a pushup. He was playful for sure. I was confused…”What are you trying to do?” he tried to explain the push up. I said, “Show me some abs!” He pretended that he was gonna but then he didn’t.

A weird moment was when I was filming them, he blurted out, “And this is what I do every time I have sex.” It was the weirdest comment! I was like, wtf did he just say?! No one really got it. But then John said, “What was that mythical word you spoke of?” and that sent me. AHHAHAHA what a bunch of nerds.

Sid had to leave early. No hugs.

The next day at 10:30pm, he finally messaged me for the first time, only to ask if he can share my phone number or IG with his friend cuz she is interested in coming to the cold plunge. I said Yup! and that was it.

The next day, Wednesday, I posted a poll about Noveween in the spikeball group. It’s been 2 days now and the only person who hasn’t responded is Sid. WTFFFF???

He has a certain demeanor that is familiar to me, and I’m trying to figure out who he reminds me of. Sam? Matthew?

Maybe more Matthew. His posture, the way he talks.

When I’m not into him, he is so average. When I’m into him, he is cute, full of rizz, beautiful light brown eyes, cutest way that he moves his body, and so funny.

I want to be in love with him (or anyone playful). But he’s been toxic already and that’s not a good sign. I guess it’s might as well that he is not coming :'(

He is not a man. He is a boy. He doesn’t drive. He doesn’t msg. He doesn’t vote or let me know that he can’t come. Another microdick? I guess I’ll just believe so. It’ll make me feel better.

Remember. Take nothing personally.

---

I was chatting with his guy who had potential. Very curious about me, very responsive, and a 44 yo successful land developer living in North Van. After talking to him for a while, I learned that he has “a couple of kids”. Damn.

What are some paths to 10x?

1. Tiktok going viral
2. Wholesale
3. Adding metal rings and ring boxes (engraving too)
4. 10x ad spend
5. Spend more money on collabs
6. Become the supplier to other silicone ring brands
7. Collab with influencers – design for them. They can sell on their site (dropship)
8. Invade the low end rings on Amazon (compete with Thunderfit)
9. Be early to the next platform, whatever it is
10. Be early to the next trend, whatever it is

What are some paths to 10x production?

1. 30x production with bulk engraving
2. Out-sourcing engraving and gold inlay of silicone rings to China
3. Or set up engraving shop in China
4. Out-sourcing engraving of metal rings to China
5. Send rings from China

Thoughts:

1. There are tasks which don’t produce 10x results but they need to be done. For example: design new collections, write blogs, send emails, post on social
2. I think the key is to delegate those tasks, as opposed to not doing them at all
3. The Team needs to do maintenance tasks, and also need to work on 10x projects