Month: January 2020

About John’s love for me

Ever since taking the mushroom I’ve been sad, emotional, crying easily.

I don’t know if it’s the mushroom making me sad, or the mushroom cause me to release my sadness.

I’ve been dwelling on John’s love for me.

I think about how he never took photos with me on his phone. He barely ever buy me gifts or treats. He didn’t drive me if he can get away with it.

In general, he doesn’t seem like he loved me very much at all.

And of course we never said I love you to each other.

I want to believe that he cares for me a lot, but I find myself giving in to the fact that we are broken up anyway, so who cares.

But it still hurts.

But should it hurt?

I guess I’m writing in the hopes of making everything ok for myself.

  1. He took photos of his nephew, the dog, and his friends, but not me, maybe because he wanted to show me the photos.
  2. He did offer and drive me to the ferry a couple times
  3. He is too broke to treat me
  4. He is cheap by default anyway, it’s not personal’
  5. No one can love you exactly how you want to be loved. Just appreciate the ways in which they love you.
  6. There are people who act loving and affectionate, but they have more than 1 person they are romantically involved with. More affection doesn’t mean truer affection.
  7. You know he is true towards you. You know he is grateful. He is doing his best.
  8. Even if he could possibly treat another girl better in the future or even in the past, it’s ok. You and him are not the best match anyway. If you have both professed your love, and want to be together for the rest of your lives, then, work hard to love each other the best you can.
  9. And lastly, he is your ex. Just appreciate that it happened, and focus on building a friendship instead.

Johnny Bunny good and bad

Good
Bad
• Is sweet to me
• Is grateful of what I have done for him (hiring him to manage my money)
• Tries to improve based on past fights
• Has been calling me everyday, giving me kisses after the call or when I leave his place, waited for me to hang up first.
• Is persistent
• Is patient
• Has been teaching me how to trade, and is knowledgeable
• No mood swings.
• Never gets mad at me
• Tolerant of my temper
• Dwells on the past, can’t let go.

• Dwells on small things
• Complains about little annoyance of people a lot
• Complains about his step dad but doesn’t solve the problem.
• Passive. Bad at taking action immediately.
• Avoids conflicts
• Conservative. Frowns at things that are unusual.
• Not a conversationalist.
• Not funny
• Repetitive
• Not adventurous
• Skates when it’s sunny. Snowboards when it’s winter. Other than that just lounges on sofa and watches TV. Our lives only overlapped on the sofa. We were basically fuck buddies.
• Not very resourceful. Doesn’t know how to think outside the box
• Not inspiring
• Entitled (about grandparents and parents money, about John helping him out)
• Ruminates. Gets stuck. Doesn’t move very fast to get out of his bad situation.
• Not very creative
• Not witty.
• Avoids facing / talking about painful things. Avoids conflicts.
• Not very touchy
• Short duration in bed
• Not romantic. Hardly ever took me out on dates.
• Kind of cheap. No gifts no dates no meal treats.
• Never gives me massages or other thoughtful gestures.
• Not very thoughtful. Let me drive home in snow and just said I’ll be ok.
• Lazy about a lot of things.
• Doesn’t have very high EQ.
• Probably not very smart in general.
• Has very little foresight it seems.
• Hesitates a lot. Moves slowly. e.g. on stocks.