I got really upset at Mom twice during this one week visit to Victoria.
First time, we were laughing about me yelling across the restaurant to tell someone to put their cigarette butt out. I was driving us to FungJing’s birthday party and Jane’s. Mid laugh, Mom suddenly told me that I only focused on laughing and forgot to drive, like Coco (she had been criticizing Coco for being stupid for the past couple of days too). And that we’ll be late because we are driving at 40 something KMs per hour.
Second time, we were having a good time in my room, she was doing the 23andme spit test and I was packing. I tried on a pink wig. She went downstairs. I continued to try on another pink wig. It looked funny but good, so I came downstairs to show her. I was smiling as I came down, and she said, You’re still playing with wigs? Which ferry are you gonna end up catching (if any)?
Both times I clammed up and was so upset.
I just meditated. I thought back to my childhood. I tried to be there as my current self for my younger self. I tried to forgive Mom, like the clairvoyant in Bali told me to do.
I thought back to that day when we all took a photo together with uncles and cousin. Mom told me to not be in the shot.
I suddenly realized that, we were all laughing and joking, and she interrupted me by telling me to leave the frame. It was the same scenario all over again!
No wonder it triggered me so much!
So the key really is forgiveness. That will lead to true happiness.
The key is also to think back on this day, and see how I the current me could respond better.
I have a stronger, more developed personality now. I can handle this. Back then I was small, I was hurt, I was suffering from the shock of having alopecia. But now I’m confident, I’m more sophisticated. I”m in a good place.
Also, I want to be playful in response. I want to learn to do it. Like 小阿姨 and Sherry. I’l ask and learn from Sherry when she moves to Vancouver!
I asked myself to think of 3 ways I could’ve been playful:
- I can throw my hat on the floor and ask, “Is this better?”
- I can go and stand in the center of the photo and say, “我站中間好了。“
- I can say, “If we all go naked then no one will notice my lack of hair!”
I made myself laugh. I also cried. What a revelation.
I’ll meditate on this day some more, until it melts away, until it no longer negatively impacts me, but rather, positively impacts me.
I think about how this is the reason why I am distant from people. I shut down when she did that.
I gave thanks to the drive that stemmed from that day which propelled me. But then I said to myself, I need to let go of that now. It no longer serves me.
To grow larger than life, to be happier, to experience more love and compassion, I need to let that old version of me go. I’ll embrace the new version of me, which is bright, light hearted, approachable, non-judging, inclusive, accepting, and loving. The new me makes people feel great, feel comfortable, feel safe, feel good about themselves.
