Month: June 2017

I’ve come to my wiser sense.

There’s no rush in finding a husband.

If I find one now, and we spend the rest of our lives together, that’s upwards of 50 years together!

That seems almost unbearable. Or, unlikely.

Chances are people change, grow, and in different ways.

People are always breaking up and meeting new people, at any age. People find their soul mates at any age.

So, I’ll relax a bit.

I’ll still look, but I won’t feel so stressed and desperate about it.

My goal is to be with someone amazing who makes me happy, and vice versa. We’ll grow together. We’ll learn cool stuff from each other.

We may or may not last forever, but our time spent together would be well spent.

Even with the brief time I spent with Jeffrey, I learned a few things. I got influenced too. I like pineapple prints now, I like having plants, and I am making a vintage map! It’s crazy how much he influenced me.

Lots of people in the soulmate book have met later on in life. They had kids of their own before meeting too.

Having kids is not a deal breaker. And meeting later in life might be a blessing.

Maybe after Jeffrey has had kids, and I have settled down more, we can be together.

I love most about how he loves. He is so loving.

Even if it’s not him, I’d love to find someone who loves me so deeply and sincerely and consistently <33

I felt pretty good today! Weather is sunny and warm. I felt myself in a good mood with good energy, especially later in the day. Was it the food? First day of period? The jasmine green tea we had after Dark Table?

Dark Table was fun. The food was delish. Nicole and I talked a lot, though I wish we would spend some quiet time to enjoy the food and experience eating it blind. Nicole said we can do that at my place too haha.

She is going up North for construction work over the summer! Finally she does it, which is great.

I think I’m gonna go on a short version of Remote Year!

After that, we went to The Oak Wood for some tea and ordered a so so dessert. The jasmine green tea was great though!

This was her bday celebration, so I paid for everything. $19 (Groupon win. Normally $54 with groupon, $78 without) + $18 for drinks + $17 tip + $18 tea and dessert = $74. Not bad for 2 people!

We had a good time. Better than usual.

On my way driving home, Cat called. I was 10 min away, so I visited with her. She was sad because Sean and her might have broken up. I told her it’s a good thing (to clarify things with Sean).

We had a good visit too.

She said sometimes she felt bad for the Cat experiencing her suffering past, such as bullying, because there is no “time” and everything is eternal. I said I’ve only ever felt envious of the Tanya who was getting great sex forever, haha. It’s true.

I then had the idea that maybe we are just water molecules in a waterfall. The waterfall is constant, but the water molecule that experiences it actually moves through the waterfall. So it can very well be just versions of us passing through each experience. I thought that was a pretty clever and poetic analogy 🙂

 

I need to write this down so i can figure out how to go forth in my relationship with Cyn.

We used to be good friends. Though come to think of it, we didn’t do a lot 1 on 1. I’d go to her parties. I’d hang out at her place. We’d go camping as a group.

Come to think of it, after Thailand, we did some 1 on 1 too, like going to Equinox (Dunno who she invited first), V Day Prom (only b/c Ty didn’t want to go).

So my main gripe with our friendship I guess isn’t that we don’t do anything 1 on 1. It’s just that she seems so insincere.

It’s like it’s a waste of time to just hang out with me. If it’s at her place, she’d clean the house at the same time. If it’s somewhere else, it’d include other people, or is in a noisy setting so we can hardly talk. If it’s at my place, she’s on her phone a lot.

With my other friends, we can do fun stuff together, hang out, and talk about personal things.

With Cyn, it’d be like, a side thing, or a chance thing. Like in the car before getting into her place. Or after a party.

I think it’s because she has so many friends, including close friends, that she talks about her personal stuff to, already. And that maybe she just doesn’t want to share those things with me much. Or that, she just doesn’t like to talk about them.

Her idea of fun is probably not hanging out one on one. Like Mom, who dislikes hanging out one on one. Even afraid of it.

Another strange thing is, while she was in NYC, so many friends went to visit her. I never did, because I know she wouldn’t take me to things. She’d expect me to entertain myself. If I were in NYC, and friends visit, I would take them to places, treat them as my guests! She has instead, a slew of friends who are just there to see NYC.

At the same time, I can’t even get a hold of her on the phone. The only once or twice we talked on the phone was when she was walking to a date, with extremely noisy background. In all our friendship, we talked on the phone for hours once, and she seemed to hate it after. I hardly tried to call her after that.

Good friends aren’t supposed to be like that.

She invited me to the Wild Rumpus. Didn’t tell me who else are going. She is actually going with a cabin full of people. 17 people. They have a Facebook event page.

She just told me, you should come! I asked, who all are going? She said, me and a girl I used to work with.

When there’s a space in the cabin, she asked if I had already signed up. I said yes. She told the group that if there’s a space in the cabin, then include me. If not, I’m fine on my own. What? What makes her think I’ll be fine on my own? Singled out?

I can’t even imagine if she’d feel left out if that’s the case, because she always has Ty. But I don’t think any normal person would enjoy this feeling.

My problem is, I don’t know how to make things comfortable, aside from just letting it slide. I did make my point known by posting that I’d much rather be in a cabin with friends. Is this the best I can do?

It doesn’t happen often, but it has happened enough that, I don’t trust her fully.

But if I bring it up, I’m sure our friendship will sour.

Right now, I do this:

1. I only invite her to group things. Never one on one.
2. I attend her things, expecting that it’s going to be a group thing even when she makes it sound like it’s not.

I feel like I also want to:
1. Not talk about personal things with her

But then that means our friendship will just stay that way. Distant.

But then, I think that’s the only way it can be.

I don’t want to spell out my discontent, because I feel that the situation can’t be changed, and bringing it up would just create tension.

What’s it like with all my other friends?

Nicole
I like that she is kind and generous.
She likes hiking and the outdoors.
She is sometimes funny.
We never talk on the phone. We hang out once in a while. She is very limited in the amount of time she has because of work and all the spiritual things she does.

Cat
I like that she is spiritual. We can talk about that together.
Sometimes she says wise things.
She is non-judgemental.
We sometimes talk on the phone. She is usually available to do stuff, but has no money. She is not as fun or smart though.

Norm
I like that we go back a long way, he is smart, we can talk about lots.
He has a gf and never asks me to do stuff together.

Julianna
I like that we are both entrepreneurs, and that she is talented. When we hang out we are more one on one and sincere.

Masha
I like that we are both business minded, bold. She is somewhat fun too. But she is a mom.

Lisa
Kind, reliable.

Emma
Not the kind of friend I can be very close with.

Most of these friends are boring and timid to be honest. I’m not timid…but am I boring? Why are my friends so boring? And broke?

Couple friends: (Don’t usually have time to hang out)

Vanthony – kind and generous friends.
Anna and Wilson – kind and generous friends.
Stan and Lana – kind and can be helpful in biz
Angela and Q – Not sure. Angela can be secretive and unreliable.

I want some new friends.

Friends who are smart, funny, sincere, active, able to get things done, have time and money.

 

Had fun at our Mastermind at Stan and Lana’s roof top patio in Yaletown.

They are making $63k/month now! With 6 or 7 staff and semi-automated product research, purchase, launch, and inventory management.

Angela did about $250K CAD last year (about $15K/month in USD). Jo is doing about $16K/month. Cate is doing 5 sales of green tea a day. She doesn’t know how much she makes.

I’m doing about $52K/month total (Amazon, Etsy, knotheory.com)

I fudged some tax entries a bit, discounting the Etsy income that goes into Bank of America. It’s $37.5K. I hope all is well. Next year I’ll be more careful. I won’t claim Etsy sales.

I want to launch more products and learn how to do ppc ads well! Stan and Lana are launching 25 products by end of this year!

I learned that Angela and Cate have trypophobia too! That’s funny.

I used to very much dislike that they are so lazy. Especially Cate. But, whatever. They are happy-go-lucky, and they have rich boyfriends. They can be fun to have at parties too.

In learning to be less critical of myself, I’m also learning to be less critical of other people. I’m also not writing my journal as much. I think it has to do with, too much self-reflecting can be rumination and self-centric thinking, and can be a source of sadness. Based on what I learned in Learned Optimism.

Living in a sunny, warm, clean, happy place, surrounded by friends.

Live in a place with a view of city, water, and greenery. It’s a central place, but not too noisy. It’s convenient.

My place has about 1000 to 2000 sqft. Full of sunlight coming in from windows and skylights.

The air smells good in the house.

It’s a penthouse. No one lives above me, and I have the roof top. It has solar panels the generates electricity for me, and possibly the whole building.

I have lots of indoor plants. They provide happiness, liveliness, clean air. They look great inside, and sometimes I can eat their leaves and fruits.

I have a nice patio, on the balcony or on the roof top. All my veggies come from there. They are organic, and cheap to maintain.

My floors are a form of cork. They are eco, warm and soft to sit on, and easy to clean up.

My walls have beautiful colourful art and photos. Lots of drawings and photos of cute bunnies and cute animals.

My kitchen is modern. The whole place is modern. Some areas are zen-like, such as the bathroom and bedroom. Some areas are fun, such as the kitchen and living room.

I have a room for yoga, trampoline, and aerobics.

I have a medium sized bedroom with a giant walk-in closet.

The colour theme of the place is white with natural wood and rocks.

The windows are huge! They span floor to ceiling, and is panoramic.

I have a fireplace in the living room.

I have a green house! It’s 100% windows. I grow lots of plants there. I also have a work space set up in there. It’s like working in a beautiful garden.

The windows’ tint can be adjusted, so it doesn’t get too hot.

All the plants are automatically watered.

I have a work space for night time too, that is not in the garden.

There are bright lights in the house that can make night time seems like day time, or rainy and cloudy days seem like sunny happy days.

The house the temperature and humidity regulated. It’s a smart home. I can talk to it. I can use voice to ask it to adjust things, search things and display the results on a screen on the wall. Maybe an epaper screen!

 

 

I’ve been wondering about what truly matters in my life.

This whole thing feels like such an illusion. A delusion.

Is love really important? What is love?

I went through university trying to get good grades. I would prep for an exam in a way that guarantees a certain amount of success, instead of going for full understanding. Because there was no time. Because I was stressed.

I’d memorize formulas instead of truly understanding them. I’d memorize approaches to certain types of problems, instead of truly understanding them. It was one of the many regrets I have about university. I opted to get decent grades over true understanding.

What would it take to get true understanding? Am I smart enough for it?

I was sick at the time. Nerve problems. Another regret.

Let’s say, I spent time to understand those courses…what would’ve been different?

I guess nothing.

Moments of clarity. Worse grades. Maybe feeling better about understanding something. Maybe feeling worse about worse grades.

In the end, I guess nothing was impacted.

I wish I did take school more seriously and I wish I wasn’t sick though. Maybe I would’ve been a better programmer.

But then, that didn’t matter either.

So, what matters now?

I feel a need to make more money. But why?

It’s almost the same need as that need to get good grades.

My biggest fear is to be old and without money and as a result not having a way to live life (or end life) on my terms. For example, if I’m in pain and wanted euthanasia, but can’t afford to set it up. (So, I should set it up now.) Or, if I’m healthy, but have no money to eat good food and live in a nice place.

Life is so strange. We don’t know how long we’d live. We don’t know how healthy we’d be. We don’t know these things about our parents either.

Ideally, Mom and Dad live amazing high quality lives and die a painless death. That’s best case scenario. Worse case, they have diseases that drag on and drain all our funds.

How do other people handle this? I should find out. Maybe life insurance?

Let’s say, the above are sorted out. Now, can I live my life care-free?

My net-worth does not allow me that. I need to keep making money.

When I have a house (condo), $4MM in the bank that generate $120K passive income per year, I am probably ok.

Even no condo and $2MM should be ok. Mom has a house.

I have $1MM save up. Almost.

I’m 37.

I make $300K/year. If I can keep it up for 3 years, I’m ok.

If I can make $1MM/year for 2, 3 more years. I have $4MM

If I can buy a condo somewhere in the mean time, that’s great. That’s maybe $1MM down payment plus $1MM over time.

I’ll be ok. Breathe. I’m ok.

—

Ok, so now that’s somewhat figured out, how hard should I work? Or can I play too?

Let’s say my prime is ’til 50. I have 13 years to make more money. Or maybe it’s 45, then it’s 8 years.

After that, I may or may not make more. New tech. New generation. China. I may not be relevant.

Hence it’s a good idea to work hard and make money now. As much money as I can.

My goal should be, $4MM in bank. $4MM on property investments (2 to 3 condos).

Ok, so I do have to work hard and hustle.

But, if I only make $1MM in the next 13 years….which is $77K/year for 13 years, that’s still very good, and better than most people. If other people can live off that, so can I. Plus, I can live in the tropics such as Thailand.

 

 

Hung out with Claudia yesterday. She is 60-ish, Mom’s age. But there’s no age gap with her. She was single and living in Manhattan for a while. She didn’t get married until 58 yo.

She seems to regret getting married though, it seems. Her hubby Chip is not like her. If she has more money, I think she would want to be single again.

We had fun. Dim sum at Chef Tony’s, Taiwanese shaved ice at Leisure. Then went to Minoru park. Lots of cute teenager goslings there! We also went to Fabricana after. But there’s nothing there for either of us.

What would I want my life to be like when I’m old? It’s hard to say what one would feel like doing at each age range. I remember in my 20s worrying where we’d go clubbing when we are old. Then, I realized we stop feeling like clubbing around 32. I think if I have money and friends and health and looks, and LOVE from my hubby, all is well 🙂

I’ve been thinking about friends.

Of all my friends, Cyndi is the most fun. She is funny, and kind, and interesting. She is always seeking fun things to do.

On the other hand, what makes her fun – a perpetual need to seek out more fun externally – is also what makes her hard to be friends with. It’s like, hanging out one friend at a time is not enough. It’s a waste of her time. She needs to invite more friends, or be cleaning.

We rarely have in-depth conversations really. And when we do, I feel like, she holds back some stuff. Or she’ll pretend that it’s helpful.

I guess there are exceptions. We’ve done a few things one on one since she got back. Like the V-Day Prom, or that Equinox day pass. She also talked to me about her and Ty.

Maybe I’m holding a grudge. All the times she invited me and not telling me that she invited other people. I show up and there are other lame people there. Or when I get to her place and she starts cleaning.

But even if I forgive all that, we can’t be besties. She already has Ty, and Corrina.

I want a bestie that I don’t have to share! Or feel secondary to.

Like, my bestie can have a boyfriend, sure, but we can hang out all day too, and talk about all kinds of stuff. We’ll feel like we really like each other, instead of feeling like we are taking up each other’s time.

I mean, she lived in NYC for 2, 3 years and I didn’t go see her. But then again, I know that if I do, she wouldn’t spend all her time with me (outside of working). Because that’s just how she is. She’d have to hang out with other friends. You’d be on your own, exploring the city.

That’s our difference.

I’m dedicated. She is not.

Also, I was afraid that we might fight in NYC if we are alone.

Right now, the only way for us to improve is to come clean of our fears and needs. But, I don’t know if we need to or want to.

I want to just find a real bestie. One who will give me undivided attention if I visit her.

I like Julianna, but she seems not so funny.

Who are funny friends in my life? Sigh. Not many. No one stands out.

I need to be funnier, and attract funny friends!