Month: January 2017

Just gonna type freely to straighten my thoughts.

Jeff has been on my mind a lot, obviously. He is so great in so many ways. Almost too good to be true. I feel like there might be a catch! We haven’t met yet, which makes all this seems even less tangible.

It’s been unreal though. We had phone sex 5 or 6 times already. The chemistry is off the chart. I feel like we are dating already.

The only thing is, he sent me an elevator selfie one day, and he looked kinda old and not my type in the photo. I surprised myself by how turned off I was. He was hurt too, that I thought his profile photos were from very long ago and were misleading. Then he sent me another real time photo, and he was hot. Then he sent me another hot pic. Then he sent me another not so hot pic, where he looked short and stout. His face looked fat and his neck looked thick. And his head looked disproportionally large. But I didn’t say anything this time.

I want to say that I’m so into him that how he looks really won’t matter a whole lot. But, I don’t think that’s true. I think I am, and we all are, somewhat superficial. But I think I’d give him a bigger leeway in appearance because we connect at a deeper level.

He doesn’t seem to care as much about my appearance. He’s just been a gentleman about it. Asking a bit about my hair but not too much. He seems to care more about that we find the same things funny. We laugh a lot together, and that’s ultra important. I’m glad he thinks of it as the most important thing.

I like him so much. I think I love him already.

Business. Goal is $3MM. But I haven’t written down a lot.

Dear God,

I want things to work out amazingly with Jeff.

Please.

I think he is upset that I say I’m not feeling it. He reacts by saying that it’s my call and he is not offended. He left and conversation, said he was driving half hour later, and didn’t even call me tonight.

This is going downhill fast.

I want things to go back to being amazing, like the first three weeks of our virtual relationship!

Please help us work this out!

I want him to be the one for me.

I want us to be happy together ever after.

Thanks God.

Tanya

I’m not sure about Jeff these days.

He’s been a bit weird. In a subtle way, but it worries me. It’s like he texts me without thinking much.

And I’m starting to doubt our compatibility. He seems to have no friends and he seems to watch way too many movies.

Also, the past two days, no good morning and no good night from him. This is deteriorating fast. Sigh.

I was all horny today. But I was thinking about Jon.

This is just not going well.

Met up with Sum and Christie and Cyndi today for dinner at Ask for Luigi. It was pretty good.

Christie actually found someone! And they’ve been dating for two months. She is so in love. Thinks he is perfect. He says he loves her everyday. I’m so jealous.

Summer gets flowers every week.

Actually I was thinking to really downplay Jeff because I don’t want our relationship cursed. But I’m surprised and not too surprised that Christie has found someone. Everyone is finding their perfect love… no one will be busy cursing me. Well, maybe Cyn.

I don’t feel that Jeff will be that perfect. I don’t feel that he’ll be that good to me. He seems impatient. Maybe I should start looking again. Nah, I’ll focus on my biz.

I haven’t really got down to business yet. I think I’m a bit jetlagged…or maybe just really exhausted from the trip. I wish I could be like Jon, needing only 3 to 6 hours of sleep a day.

I want my lover to spoil me and love me.

I want to be married to a man who loves me, and whom I love. We make each other happier and better.

Dear God, I’m grateful that you’ve brought Jeff into my life. I haven’t met him yet, but the past 3 weeks have been amazing.

I’m afraid that I won’t find him attractive, or that he might not find me attractive. I’m afraid that we won’t get married like we planned. I’m afraid that he isn’t the one.

I talked to Cat, Nicole, Mom, and Norm today and yesterday. I disclosed pretty much everything to them. I’m afraid that this might spoil things. Why? Because I’m afraid that my friends will subconsciously wish ill of me. If they have the power to manifest, I”m worried that they will manifest bad luck into my life due to jealousy. Such a ridiculous idea.

But deep down I’m sure that my friends want luck for themselves, and they won’t wish bad luck upon me. I hope that they get luck too.

So, I hope it was ok that I told them how amazing Jeff has been.

Today was the only day that he had been very passive. I said good morning, and then he said it. He didn’t message me all day, and when I messaged him, he replied to say he was driving home from Whistler. It was late. And he didn’t say good night.

Sigh.

I don’t know if anything is up.

If this keeps up tomorrow then I’ll be worried.

We are meeting, supposedly on Tuesday or Wednesday next week.

For some reason, I wouldn’t be surprised if it didn’t happen. I don’t know why. Maybe just preparing myself so I don’t feel sad….either by it not happening or by him not being my type, or other things I haven’t thought of.

Yesterday he sent me two pics. In one, he was hot. In another, his head was big and neck was thick. I really don’t know what to think now.

Also, he hasn’t been as keen about what I have to say, it seems. I dunno.

I’m afraid to lose him. Because he is so likely to be the one for me.

It feels like every step is an unknown that we have to concur. I mean, we concurred the phone call, which was nice. Now, we have to concur meeting in person. If that goes well, we concur being in a relationship.

Dear God, to be honest I’m amazed that you’ve given me so much. I didn’t think I could find someone who likes what I like about me. I didn’t think he’d be pretty much 100% what I seek.

I just want to say that, it’s been amazing, and, if it ends when we meet, I’d still be grateful.

I’ll keep on looking, even though I may never meet someone like him again. The point is that, I do seem to have the ability to manifest, thanks to you. I just need to think about it long enough and clearly enough.

So I want Jeff to be the one for me. He IS the one for me, and I am the one for him. We meet, we are instantly physically attracted. We are relieved. We laugh, talk, eat. We have the most epic first date.

We start dating. I come back from Florida, energized with grand biz visions. I share them with him, which helps his biz vision also. We start dating seriously. I give him his birthday gift, the coasters of George Michael and Prince. He loves them. He has already gifted me a book, which I’ve finished reading and loved. It’s had an impact on my life in a positive way.

He sees me bald for the first time. He loves it. We spend time being outdoors, walking Molly, and watching movies.

We have sex for the first time. Actually. we make love. He has the hottest dick, ass, and body. And face of course. He loves my body and face too. He loves my bald head. We have the most epic sexy sex that lasts hours. We have never had it better.

Since then, we spend more time with each other, our sex gets better and better, and our chemistry gets stronger and stronger. We love each other even more, as we learn about each other. The force is strong.

We have a couple small fights, but they bring us closer. We learn how much we mean to each other, and how we’ll do everything to be great together.

We continue to laugh, learn, and hitting some serious goals we’ve made for 2017. We fall in love with each other again and again. We are best friends.

One day, he proposes to me. I say yes. We can’t be happier! Our parent are thrilled too. Molly too!

We can’t wait to be married. The wedding is so much fun, and energy is so great. He is the man of my dream. He is gorgeous. He is the love of my life. And I am his.

Molly is the ring bearer, and we got a modern form of rings – either a circuit tattoo, implant, or my silicone wedding rings. We are so fun and so cool.

Our friends are amazing and happy for us. We laugh so much and party so much together.

That night, we have epic sex as we often do. We let each other know just how much we love each other.

We continue to do amazing things while we are together. We find huge success in our businesses. We are so compatible in business too. We always have each other’s best interest at heart. We are each other’s best friend. We love each other in a big way and in a small way. Our passion for each other just goes on and on. We are never jaded of each other, because we both grow. We surprise each other, instead of becoming stale and predictable. We are affectionate as we have been since the day we met.

What an amazing, incredible life! We are so lucky. Soooo lucky. Thank you for blessing us. We hope to be together again in a future life.

Wow, what a crazy day.

Let’s start from last night. Jeff wanted to get on the phone (4th time) which I loved. I was hoping he’d ask.

But due to miscommunications, we both waited and when I asked him, he said he was going to bed. It seemed like he is the passive aggressive type. Kept saying it’s fine, but it really wasn’t.

But I demanded/begged for a short talk. I didn’t want to go to bed without talking to him, when we said we will. I was looking forward to it!

So we did. And it was nice. We had phone sex again.

The next morning, we started the conversation early. I masturbated to thoughts of him before getting up.

He said he was nervous about meeting me. He worried that I might not find him attractive. He doesn’t think that he’ll not find me attractive.

I told him that I thought I might throw up like Molly did. He said he felt the same, and said, brb, barfing. lol.

Mom called and I told her how cute Jeff has been.

But part of me felt like, if he doesn’t look attractive like I expected, then it’s a test for me. For me to learn to be less shallow.

I felt like he is the one for me, and I will want him no matter what he actually looked like. I had looked through his photos a thousand times, and even though he looked different in every single photo, I felt that there’s no way he could look bad. All these photos are hot.

And I told him that. I told him that I like photos of him, and I had looked through them a thousand times. He smiled.

I thought, I hope that’s a reassuring smile, rather than a worried smile, worrying that his photos were from a while ago and didn’t look like him now.

Then, as if by irony, he sent me an elevator selfie as he was going home. He looked about 50 years old in the photo! I was coming home from the post office, and my heart sank. WTF. His hair looked puffy and grey, not like the blonde fauxhawk in the profile. His face looked puffy and grey. His body posture was awkward. His head was big. It was the most disappointing photo in the world.

I was sooo sad. I felt mislead. I looked at that photo very closely, trying to find traces of him that I like. I can’t. I even played that video of him training Molly, just to try to match his voice to the photo. I can’t. He looked so old. He looked like he should have an old man’s voice.

I thought that was why he was so nervous about meeting. I thought he was testing the waters with a recent pic, after I said I liked his profile pics.

I thought there’s no way those profile photos were recent. I asked him.

He was shocked. Said that’s not a good sign.

Meanwhile I called up Norm and cried to him. I said I really wanted this to work but he had turned out to be ugly. God knows how long ago those other photos were taken. I was crying pretty hard. I really really like him and I really really want it to work.

Norm said the pic doesn’t look that bad, and that I should apologize to Jeff.

Jeff said his profile photos were from last summer, so less than 6 months ago. After learning that, I said, we should still meet.

Then he sent me a better photo with better hair and lighting. He said that’s how he looks right now and if I still feel it doesn’t look like his profile photo and we should stop wasting each other’s time.

He looked hot in that photo.

Wow. I felt relieved. As though that photo must be the real one, and never mind that ugly one. I felt even more convinced that he was my type, strangely enough.

But he was damaged. I told him he looked hot and I was sorry to be blunt. He said it was fine and that no feeling will be hurt…. but I don’t think that’s the case. How could that be the case? Again he seems to have the tendency to cover up his feelings.

I tried calling him, but he didn’t pick up.

I said I felt miserable.

He said why? and explained that he was driving. He went to Whistler to visit his parents this weekend.

I thought he didn’t like his parents, but he said he does. He visits every couple of weeks. Then again, he also gets to ski when he is up there.

I asked him to let me know when he’s arrived.

For 1.5 hours, I just lied in bed feeling miserable.

Meanwhile Brad messaged me, saying that if I hadn’t completely got over him, he is through with his stressful biz stuff and is kinda craving me. I told him that he was cold under stress and was a turn-off, and that he needs to learn to handle stress.

He actually wrote back and apologized and said he really didn’t know how to do it. He didn’t even pleasure himself. Last we met up was mid or late November. So for 1.5 months he was stressed.

I told him I was even more stressed out during that time and I can’t relate to how cold he was. He said I didn’t message him either. I said I met an amazing person 3 weeks ago, who might be the love of my life.

He said he was so happy for me, and that I deserved it. I said thanks.

Meanwhile, Jeff finally arrived at his parent’s house. He sent me a photo of the west coast trail he took, as a way of letting me know that he had arrived.

I called him immediately. We talked about today. I tried my best to communicate that I find him hot in all his photos except for that one today. He tried his best to tell me that it’s ok, he would’ve done the same. But he said it’s a wakeup call, and that we should just have coffee first and see how it goes.

I didn’t like that, but I said ok. I cried and said I don’t want to not like him.

I told him I’m so attracted to him. He said he is attracted to me too. I asked how can he be sure that I’m not ugly. He said I sounded sexy. I said he sounded sexy too. Not just his voice, but also the way he talked. And his voice was amazing. He suddenly got all sexy on me and we had phone sex again.

To be perfectly honest it was half forced, because I was still distraught by what happened. I really do think he is gonna be hot, but at the same time I feel like I failed the test. I reacted to an ugly photo. Even though I had told myself that I’d like him no matter what.

I guess, in my defence, I thought he was intentionally using younger pictures of himself as the profile pics. That would’ve been a misleading act and very appalling. But he wasn’t.

And I did try to confirm first. I asked him when his profile photos were taken.

In any case, I hope I didn’t mess up.

I want this guy. I love him.

Jeff, We are going to get married. You’ll be 39, I’ll be 38. We will love each other so much. We will make each other so happy. We will stay together forever.

Ha, we are crazy. This is such a strange start!

On Monday, we chatted for the first time, for 3.5 hours. After that, we told each other how turned on we were, and we had phone sex.

On Tuesday, I told him I had an epic orgasm, thinking about him. Before going to bed, we had phone sex again.

On Wednesday, which was yesterday, we chatted. No phone sex. Just talked and laughed, for hour and a half.

I like him so much, I can’t even believe it. I would marry him.

I mentioned Starman, how I loved the show but couldn’t find it anywhere. He said, “I’ll find it. It’ll be your wedding gift.”

Haha. It’s the second time he joked about getting married. I love it.

I love so many things about him. Things I didn’t expect to ever find again in someone. That he is monogamous, funny, smart, ambitious, patient, loving, sweet. His voice is perfect. He just seems so perfect.

I told him that our virtual relationship is like getting one level deep into the Inception world. We would’ve dated for 30 years by the time we meet in person. He thought it was funny and that I was so cool for thinking that.

We informally decided that we should get married, have 100 puppies and 1000 bunnies. We’d move to the States. I’m surprised he’d move to the States. He seems so settled in. He’s got a place in Deep Cove, close to his family. He gets to ski all the time. I like that he wants to move to the States and is flexible.

I told him about me not wanting kids. He hesitated on that topic. He obviously possibly wants kids. He said it might just depend on the person you meet. And he said he has a puppy anyway. I guess it’s too early to dive deep into that.

The reason why we even talked last night was because he said he was nervous about meeting me. I couldn’t tell if it was because we had a little fight or because he felt self conscious about not having abs.

You see, I kinda engineered a fight by being dramatic…I know I was strange…but I felt that it would be part of our Inception relationship. I wasn’t planning for it to be too big..though he did walk away from it and made me feel a bit sad. But he came back and we continued to like each other. This flight response might be something we need to deal with later on. And of course, my temper.

As for abs…well, I did bring it up in the past once. And lasts night when I sent him a pic of a toned guy wearing just an apron, using the same stove that he just got, his first reaction was that he needed to get back to his gym routine in order to look that good.

He said last night on the phone that he builds muscles easily, but he also gains weight around his midsection. He said that he gained 10 or 15 pounds the past couple months. Hmmm…… I am a little worried.

I do hope that we like each other physically. I mean, I have no hair. He’s gonna have to be fine with that too.

I wanted to talk on the phone with him because I felt that we needed it. I wasn’t sure if he was mad at me from our little fight. It was good that we talked. We were both so into each other.

He said that he’d die if this didn’t work in person. Said that he’d take me with him lol.

I actually cried today, thinking about how much I want him, and that I possibly love him, and that I too, worry that we won’t love what we see when we meet.

He made me laugh so much on the phone. He loves that we laugh at the same things, and that I think about cool stuff such as our existence. I want to tell him that I’ll love him no matter how he looks. But, I don’t know if it’s the truth.

When we meet in person, it could either be a beginning or an end. I hope it’s a beautiful beginning.

Last night, I talked to Jeff on the phone for the first time.

He had suggested that we talked, but he didn’t bring it up after I arrived in Vancouver, so I went to Costco.

We kept chatting through out the evening, but he still didn’t say he’ll call me, so I took a shower.

It’s been too cold. I knew I should put moisturizer on, but instead I crawled into bed naked, and kept chatting with him.

I was starting to get a bit sad that he hadn’t called. Though I was really nervous too, because 7 years ago I chatted with Ross, and when we met, I didn’t like him at all. I didn’t like his voice nor the way he talked.

But with Jeff… earlier he had sent me a video of him training Molly. I loved his voice. (And Molly was sooo cute!)

Finally, we got on the phone. I told him I didn’t want to get on the phone because I was naked. He said, Hold on, I’ll take my clothes off. And get the lube. Hahaha

I told him I have a man’s voice and hope he likes it. He said, Show me that husky voice!

He called. I was so nervous. His voice was amazing. His thoughts so clear. And his choice of words – I’ve never met anyone with such great vocabulary. And he was hilarious.

Two new things I really liked about him: 1. He said he got me a book that he thinks I’ll really like. Who does that! (Maybe Dad actually). 2. He seems to be very monogamous. I told him about Anderson and the two boys, and his reactions were like mine.

Two things I was a bit weary about: 1. He had two failed startups, now he is doing great at this company, but he wants to start one new startup (Reminds me of Dad) 2. In some ways he was a bit vague about his past relationships. When I asked him what he wanted, he just said he has room for someone in his life (something like that).

We laughed so much. We talked for 3.5 hours! Finally, we got off the phone.

I went to Whatsapp to send him a kiss, and noticed he had just send me one! And he said, “You are super sexy.” I said I was about the say the same, and that I was so attracted to him.

He said he was hard the entire time he listened to my voice. I said I was about to go touch myself.

He said to think about him when I do. I said, “Fuck. I’m so wet.” He said, “Call me.”

I thought about it. Ok, I’ll do it. It seemed too soon, because we hadn’t even met yet…but, I wanted him so bad. I called him. We masturbated together…I had 3 orgasms.

We are so crazy.

—

This morning, I woke up super horny and wet.

I went to get my invisalign fitted.

Meanwhile we chatted and wondered if what happened last night was real. Did we have full on phone sex?! Yup.

We hadn’t even met yet!

Now it’s gonna be extra interesting when we meet.

I really really like him. So far he seems to be everything I had asked for and more. He is, possibly the one. It would be so amazing if we can live happily ever after.

I think all my gods and angels for this. I hope we are very attracted to each other when we meet, and that we have an amazing first date.

If we do start dating, I don’t want to rush it. I really want to get to know him a bit better, go on more dates with him, before having sex.

Though we kind of already had sex!

Wow, I’m really liking Jeff more and more.

We haven’t met yet, but we’ve been chatting everyday for over a week now.

My only concerns now are whether we are attracted to each other when we meet, and, whether he is a grateful type of person or not. Also, he likes cold weather sports. I like to be in tropical areas.

But he’s been surprisingly like what I want:

• smart, funny, successful
• seems to want monogamy and to get married
• wants to grow in life (self development) – total surprise!
• was involved in a few startups, and wants to start a new biz this year – another surprise!
• I was worried that he is a bulkier type of guy, but forgot that he posted a photo that showed his upper body, and he is lean
• likes to cook for people
• about the same age (1 year older)