I’ve been going through that phase again…that phase of thinking about what’s important in life, how do I want to live my life, and how to achieve these goals in life.
I was about to brainstorm on some deep thoughts and jot down some deep notes and goals in my notebook. Just before doing so, I flipped over the notebook to see what I wrote in it before.
Damn, it was existential moment in 2016, 2017, 2018….hahaha
Here I thought it was my big 40 that triggered this moment.
Most of my goals haven’t come true yet…and I don’t know if I still want to achieve them.
I recently watched the Passengers, and re-realized that life is a journey to find love. If you find love, you are whole.
On the other hand, I no longer feel that a relationship that lasts forever is the end all be all. Just share those special moments together during the years we have together, and it’s a relationship worth having in our lifetime.
These two totally different concepts exist within me simultaneously. How could that be?
Love is everything, love is the goal…but, if it cannot be found or does not last forever, it’s ok. I think that’s what I believe.
I remember a time when I dreamed and dreamed of finding a soulmate. I prayed, I begged, I cried.
I was so eager to consider a guy to be potential soulmate.
I went to the Pacific Spirit Park today. I decided that I won’t rely on Bunny to keep me company anymore.
Last time I saw him was last weekend. He didn’t make plans with me this weekend.
On the way to the park, he called. To tell me about Macy’s stock.
He learned that I was going to the park. He asked if I wanted to go over for dinner. I said no. I said I’ve been so lonely, and he needs more alone time than I do, so I’ll just learn to handle it without him.
As usual, he said don’t be sad, and that I can call him if I change his mind. And let me go.
I wished that he would come to me at the park. That’s the kind of urgency and passion I want in a guy. But he is not like that. He is passive.
He is so far from what I want. I’m not happy with him. Never. Except on my birthday.
So I cried. I walked around in the park for an hour, cried more on the way home and after coming back.
I numbed myself with Netflix. The Russian Sci Fi about robots is pretty good.
It’s now 11:30pm. I bet he’ll call at around midnight.
But it doesn’t matter if he does. I’ve given up on him this time.
We’ll stay in touch because I lent him $20K and he is managing my $120K. But, I really need to move on. He is not good for me.
I’m more often sad than not when I’m with him. Or angry.
I hate that I have so much money tied up with him. I hate that I even listened to him and imported those stupid door openers. I hate that we met.
I’m so sad.
So unusually sad.
Why?
Is it justified? Or is it something else?
Food? All that brie cheese?
Stress from Shopify?
It doesn’t matter now.
He is stressed too and that will never change. He might have been a better boyfriend if he wasn’t so stressed, but, he is stressed.
Just my luck.
Just our luck.
Sigh.
I want to be happy. I want to be productive. I want to be in love with someone who is in love with me back, in a way that I understand.