Month: April 2022

Today I didn’t cry about Alex, but I did yesterday and possibly everyday before that in the past week.

You’d think I’d be over him by now. It’s been 3 months, and we were only together for 3 months.

Yesterday I was just lying in bed and thinking about him and I cried. Sometimes I just burst out crying while watching Mom…not really thinking about him… This makes me think either I’m just crying because of hormones or because I’m still sad deep down about losing him.

I wonder if he still feels sad about losing me.

My bun bun.

I miss how he called me “My bunny”.

Yesterday I posted on FB about Elon Musk buying Twitter. The romantic part of me thinks that when I post, he is reminded of me and he misses me, which triggered my brain to miss him and cry when I post something on social, because we are connected. Our higher selves are.

But maybe it’s just my brain. Sigh.

I miss him so much. Still do. It’s just so blissful being with him. I feel so dead inside now. Talking to John is boring and draining. He is always suffering. I miss being happy and excited.

I know that John is my real saviour. He helped prevent me from getting the vaccine. He helped me become financially free. I have $4MM+ and $165K/year dividend income thanks to him.

Aside from Mom, no one has helped me in life more than he has!

He is down at the bottom right now health wise, and I need to help him.

But…I want to live a happy life too.

What I had with Alex was perfect. I wish it could stay that way forever.

There’s no other way that him and I can work….

I hope John heals, and heals soon. I hope we both find our special someone that is great for us in life. He is a good guy. He deserves to be happy.

I deserve to be happy too. To be laughing and having fun with the person I love, and the person loves me back just as much. We are always excited about seeing each other. Everyday is fresh and an adventure, yes we feel so safe having each other.

I want to get healthy, get social, get happy. I want to meet my soul mate.

On Thursday, I’ll fast.

Cyndi asked if it’s possible that Alex moved downtown because of me.

Gosh, wouldn’t that be sweet.

Imagine, if he had had a crush on me for a while.

I mean, he did tell me when he moved downtown.

He did asked me to bachata during pandemic.

Very slacked off day today. Interviewed Firuza at Noon.

Masturbated and thought about Alex and cried…again. I guess that’s just how it is now.

Napped.

Placed D6 order with Udoo.

Went for a walk to London Drugs to buy some stamps.

Quick trip to Costco to buy pork rinds for Mom.

Came home and ate a crab, a salad with green goddess dressing I made (avo, cilantro nuts, lemon juice, garlic), fudgsicle, microwaved Brussels sprouts, this gelatin “skin” (rou yuan pi) Mom made. I guess it’s pre-period so I’m eating a lot.

Typical day really.

After staying at work with Anna from 4pm ’til midnight last night!

I guess today was my recovery day.

Firuza seemed like a good hire. Fingers crossed! Come to think of it, I should’ve asked for references.

She is 33, from Kyrgyzstan. She is a single mom, living near King Edward station. Been here for 7 years, daughter is 9 years old and on kids’ Tik Tok. called Likee. Nice nails.

She is $18/h and she seems very reasonable of a person, so I just offered here the job on the spot. Ahahaha.

I still feel like this life is a blessing to me, and I believe that good things are in abundance for me in this life!

So, I shall make more decision, do more things! Try more things!

Remember: I can manifest!

Sometimes I think about manifesting Alex into my life again. Because what we had was so good, so fun, so sexually mind-blowing….I don’t even know what is better than that. I guess someone who is more capable of love? Someone who isn’t as self-centered? And isn’t a dismissive avoidant? And doesn’t want kids? And lives in a nice place on his own instead of with his parents? And doesn’t have a drinking issue?

I mean, everyone has something. The most important is that we have an amazing time together, and that we both keep trying to make it work, make it better.

The problem with Alex is that, even if we get back together, I’d still feel like he’d give up on us on a whim.

That’s one HUGE cool thing about Bunny that is 1000x better than Alex. Bunny is always trying to make things better. He doesn’t give up on us.

But one HUGE cool thing about Alex is that we have an amazing time together.

So, I want a guy who is BOTH!

I’m excited about starting Firuza as our new hire!

Week 1: Establish our brand feel, target audience, study competitors, SWOT analysis, learn the rings, help with packing, list all the marketing channels (blog, social media platforms, email funnels, etc), come up with a content strategy (what formats, what content gets repurposed)

Week 2: Pack rings, prepare some content!

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ECF Amazon Mastermind was great. Members are mostly power sellers. Very friendly. Biggest thing I learned was to add “Amazon custom” because Amazon does drive a lot of sales!

ECF Vancouver meeting was SO much fun omg. Because of Jackson. I really like him. He is funny.

Bill was so much more likeable this time! He has done so much in his life, and he is always eager to learn and to network. These are traits of a forever-young mind.

He arranged for us to meet up at eComSquare coworking. We got to meet Steve, the co-owner of the place. it’s such a cool place. 2 floors and they can add a 3rd! If I had that I’d make it my dream house!

I think that’s what I want – a building! Maybe surrounded by a garden.

David is really sweet too. He is very transparent. I like him too.

Jackson, David, and Steve all have Asian girlfriends/wives. Interesting!

It was April 8, the day that the vax pass dropped (within Canada). Still can’t fly, but can go to restaurants. Jackson suggested that we hang out that day cuz of me. Aw that’s sweet.

We were gonna go to Earls, but I’m so glad that we went to Feel City BBQ instead.

It was such a fun time. Laughing at toasts on sticks, lamb on harpoons/javelin, chicken and chicken knees mixed together for a chicken roulette. Talking about biz, tennis, Jackson’s brother, alopecia.

I think working so hard to be successful – it’s just to be able to hang out with smart, hardworking, successful fun people!

Jackson wanted to play credit card roulette, which resulted in him and Bill paying for me and Dave haha.

I really like Jackson. He is even funnier than Alex in some ways. But, Alex has a nice body, and…Alex has a face that I’m more drawn to. And Alex has a sexual energy to him.

Brian I like too. Not sure if he is funny, but learned today that he is a professional dancer (breakdancing)! Holy shit! That makes him so much more attractive! But also, he might be gay…most likely haha. That would be good actually…maybe meet some straight guys through him!

Would like to see more ECF members in Vancouver…especially cute guys!

That night, I was feeling pretty good. I can still have a great time and laugh lots without Alex, without sex. That’s good to know and experience.

I decided to masturbate while reminiscing about having sex with Alex, thinking that I’m ready to do it now without crying.

Nope. Right after I orgasmed, I still cried. Cried so hard.

I cried and talked my thoughts out loud. I don’t remember doing so with such clarity and eloquence before. It was actually very healing.

As I listened to my thoughts spoken out loud, I understood better my pain.

I just wanted that amazing feeling to stay the same, to last. It wasn’t a reasonable ask, because nothing lasts forever.

Sometimes I have this feeling that he misses me too, especially when I suddenly miss him. I feel like he is missing me, which in turn made me miss him. Like we are telepathically connected.

I may or may not be romanticizing us, but, it makes me feel better so I’m going to believe that.

I honestly can’t think of a scenario that will cause him to reach out to me, or a scenario that it would be a good idea for us to hook up again. But part of me thinks that, if it is meant to happen, it’ll happen. Maybe it’ll be decades from now. I hope we’ll still be reasonably hot haha…and be able to have the same passionate and romantic sex.

After about 2 months of feeling super sad over Alex, I feel that I’m finally catching up on things.

Still sad, but more functional.

Sigh.

Even this morning I woke up thinking about him.

I thought about if there’s at all possible a scenario that he’ll reach out to me. I can’t think of any.

Usually in a movie if something is this good, there’s a sequel, a trilogy.

But this is real life. I likely won’t see him again. And if I do, it won’t be on good terms. Not steamy sex, romantic making out, and intimate pillow talks. I wish we could have all this, but I don’t think so.

Most recent feeling is kinda negative towards him. Like subconsciously I’m going through a healing journey. I’ll reach peace at some point. All the exes mean nothing to me now. Soon Alex will be too.

I guess he was there just to open my mind up about short Asian guys.

Now I don’t even have a type. I don’t know what I find attractive anymore. I guess anything goes.

Bunny finally found a chiro that might be able to help him. That’s such amazing news!

I’m one step closer to being free.

We’ve been a bit closer now. Talking on the phone for an hour or more each night.

When I think about it, he helped me make over $2MM. He’s been the most helpful person in my life, financially.

For some reason I have little confidence in him when we set the TV up. And I sort of don’t admire him in trading… but I have no idea why. I trusted him enough to have him manage my money, and to have invested in what he recommended 2 years ago…but I’m not admiring him…why is that?

In contrast, I admired Alex. Always have. Maybe because I have a better idea of how hard it is to run a successful business?

Maybe if Alex was helping me install the TV I wouldn’t have trusted him on that either?

Everyone has strengths in different arenas.

I need to learn to respect and admire Bunny more.

He IS smart in some ways. His brain is compromised, yet he can still be smart, so he must be quite smart.

I still bow to my gods every morning and night – Goddess of Compassion, God of Wealth, God of Health, a gold yuanbao, a casual-Goddess-of-Compassion, and my love necklace.

Things have shifted a bit for me now though, after I learned about the concept of 9 dimensions and the God within ourselves. God is the sum of parts…and we are the parts. But in time we become god. And in dimensions where there is no time, we are God.

Now I feel that God isn’t this warm and loving being…God is a humongous being, and we are a cell. Or even smaller…an organelle within a cell. We are soooo small.

But I want to believe that God is this warm and loving being…that we are taken cared of. That there are no mistakes, no regrets, no guilt, no blames – only deeper understanding and learning and evolution.

I suppose just because I’m not aware of all my cells, and not warm and loving towards each organelle in my cells, it doesn’t mean that God is like that to us. God could be much more aware than we are. And maybe we are much more aware than we know we are 🙂

I need to remember that at the root of all this is LOVE.

The Mom show is very interesting. The grandma, who is 51, lead a life of not trusting men & addiction after her boyfriend of 2 years disappeared on Xmas eve, right after she gave birth.

Knowing that people do walk out on their partners, this isn’t just dramatized fiction. The fact that she couldn’t hold her life together after that makes so much more sense now.

I have so much more compassion for that just because Alex ghosted me. It wasn’t nearly the same, but gosh, I get an inkling of how traumatizing this would’ve been for her! Enough to fuck a person up for life!