Month: June 2015

It’s June 15, 2015 today, and I want to review the goals I made in Jan, 2015:

Let me start with a summary of where I am today.

I’m in the Burnaby condo, lying on my belly in bed, stark naked. I woke up at 9am, naturally without alarm. It’s 10am now, and I had just finished some of my work routines, including messaging Amazon buyers to move their seller feedback to product reviews, fulfilling a couple Etsy ring sales, and tag tracking ID to a Knot Theory sale.

The weather is so perfect these days, both in Victoria and Vancouver, about 20 degrees, sunny and warm. I love how effortless it is to breath and for my blood to circulate.

Business
This past 30 days I have sold 857 rings, and made over $10.5K USD profit! Yesterday was the best day of sales since I launched on April 8, 2015. I sold 42 rings on Amazon, 2 on Etsy, and 1 on KT. So 45 rings total! That’s approximately 45*$14=$630USD profit in just one day!

KT is selling more rings than bow ties too. I released a new collection, and blogged and did some social media but it’s been tiny a bit neglected compared to before. The past 30 days, my revenue was $1.5K. That’s a profit of maybe $800.

SEOD I never continued. It was too much work for too little gain.

Overall I’m super grateful that I’ve finally got a good business happening. I calculated that in the Month of May, I made $14.9K CAD in total!! Wow.

I do need to find an accountant and finally pay some taxes though.

Health/Beauty/Youth

Health ok.

Recently tried Grouse Grind and didn’t do well at all. I don’t know if this paleo diet is working so well…

Have a slight belly that I can’t get rid of. I don’t know if it’s even fat. Maybe it’s the endometriosis pushing my belly out. Maybe it’s air. Maybe it’s just me sitting on my ass too mush.

Hair still growing in, more and more. I’m keeping it shaved until after NAAF

I think my lymphatic system is plugged / not flowing very well. I can suddenly get  tired, and the lymph nodes under my left ear makes crunchy sounds when I press them. Bought a rebounder.

Happy to still have some youth, even though it’s slipping away. Getting old makes me sad. Using Pentaxyl on my face to reclaim some youth. My skin has been rough and dry….I think it was from using the coffee grinds. I hope that Pentaxyl works.

Have early signs of cellulite. Buying magnesium oil spray…hopefully that helps.

Battling nasal labial folds.

Love/Sex

I didn’t focus very much on love this past 6 months. And for sure, I didn’t even get laid once. It’s been 8 months.

Deep down, like everyone else, I want love. I want to be loved. It sucks that no one loves me, and that even if there is, it probably won’t last. I just can’t find any examples of love being pure and lasting.

I have suddenly realized that the best super power in the world is mind power. Specifically, the ability to make everyone love me. Funny how, a day or two after thinking that, today, in SHIELD, they featured an Asguardian woman who can do that, to guys. She has the best super powers.

It sucks to be all the other women around her though.

I hate that everywhere I look, there’s no true love. Not even in these TV shows I watch. Everyone is disappointed or disappointing. Everyone is hurtful or hurt. Happiness is temporary, not to mention passion and attraction. Why is this world designed so?

Business is priority right now, and I have made my wishes accordingly. But I’d love to have pure, innocent love. And when we part ways it’s still on good terms, no hard feelings. I wish I could be loved unconditionally. To be spoiled. To be admired. To be someone’s #1 fan, and vice versa.

—

(Originally written in Jan, 2015)

By June 15, 2015, I’ll have achieved these goals:

I love life. I love my friends, family, and fans, and they love me.

1. Knot Theory has 300 site visitors per day, making $8000 revenue per month, $5000 in profit.
   1. Did’t happen. Making $1.7K revenue per month on average.
2. I have 10 SEOD clients, making $10K per month.
   1. Didn’t continue.
3. ASM is doing really well. My product is a huge hit! I’m selling 50 silicone rings a day and making $1000 revenue per day, which is $600 profit per day, which is $18K per month!
   1. VERY Close! Selling $18K per month as of today (June 18th)! Selling on average 30 rings per day this past month, and my profit is about $11K~$12.6K.
   2. First month of ASM, $4k. Second month, $9.5K. Third month, three weeks in, $7K. So total I’ve made $20.5K profit from the rings! Holy moly! Of course, I spent about $8K, but that’s still $12.5K profit in just 12 weeks. Amazing.
4. Alopecia channel is growing fast. I enjoy helping people.
   1. Started alopecia channel! Not growing fast at all, but, at least I’ve uploaded 4 videos so far.
5. Time and money are in ABUNDANCE! I only need to work 20 hours a week to have everything running smoothly and growing! I have an excellent full time VA. I get to travel around the world with awesome friends, and sometimes with Mom and Dad. Thailand with Cyndi, Cappadocia with someone fun, Xin Jiang with Dad, Peru with Nick, Australia with some cool friends, Disneyland with alopecia friends!
   1. I got to travel, yes! Thailand with Cyn, Disneyland with Afiya is coming up. Very happy. Thing are fairly smooth, and I do have more time than before. Though I should work harder on expanding. I wrote down many things that I can delegate to a VA later on.
6. Cute guys are sincere and eager to love me because I’m fun, smart, sexy, beautiful, energetic, exuberant, and happy!!
   1. Nope. No cute guys, no sincere guys, no guys eager to love me 🙁 Just lame, not so good looking, kinda old guys wanting to hook up (Quinton), and cute, really young guy with meh personality, who already have someone they like back home (Jarl).
7. Dad, Mom, and I are happy and healthy. Dad has sold his land and is now financially comfortable. I get to provide extra cushion to his life. We travel together and have lots of fun. Mom and I bought a new home – a duplex – because that’s what she wants. She gets to line dance a lot and brag about me to friends. I make sure they stay healthy by getting them the best medicare possible. Both of them are so proud of me.
   1. Yes, Dad and Mom and I are happy and healthy! That’s a blessing. Dad hasn’t sold his land. I haven’t got to the point to provide for my parents. Mom does get to line dance a fair bit and…dunno if she feels that my income is steady enough for bragging.

Conclusion: Overall, I would say I got 2/7. But, I’m happy. I’m happy that everyone is healthy and happy. I’m happy that I’m travelling. I’m happy that I’m making good money with ASM!

No expectations of Patrick, just to protect myself from getting hurt. But indeed he didn’t even message me today, and I was still hurt.

I shouldn’t have to lower my expectation so much. I’d rather not have a guy than to have a flakey, insincere guy.

 

This is what I want to say to him:

I thought what we had was meaningful. Now I see it wasn’t.

Flakiness and insincerity are a waste of my time.

Please leave me out of your life.

Now my view of him is forever tainted. I guess it was tainted to begin with, otherwise I would’ve have felt the need to be so guarded and setting up a super low expectation.

It’s possible to find a good guy, I think. But, it requires putting myself out there, which I don’t want to do right now.

I’m 35, attracted to the young guys. I don’t want to find out how my market value has decreased. Inevitably it has. And more so each day. No normal 20-something will choose a 35 yo based on an online profile.

Perhaps if circumstances caused me to be around a 20-something, and we fell in love. Then there’s a chance that the guy is normal. But even then, the age gap is not something I’m interested in. Younger guys tend to be inexperienced, insincere, flakey, inconsiderate, unwise. A good looking, mature, wise, 20-something will have so many better options to pick from than a 35 yo with an extremely high expectation.

I don’t know if older guys are better actually. I just know that they are uglier, and more jaded.

The truth is, dating scene is way too grim right now for me. Sigh. And it’s all down hill from here. Double sigh.

Granted, I don’t socialize, I hardly have any friends. If I’m creative about this, I can still get laid by hot young guys. Join co-ed volleyball, go to meet-ups, go to speed dating, etc etc.

I’m sad that I have no good memories of any guy in my life now. Not even Patrick…the only person who was good to me, until now.

 

 

I don’t know why I feel sad. Not as sad as before, when Norm was thinking about committing suicide. Just a mild discontent. But it sits on me, making it hard to breathe.

Every morning that I wake up, I feel stressed. Really I have such a great life. I can wake up whenever I wish, I do whatever I want. I have the house to myself, a fridge full of food, a bank account with money so I can buy food or anything I need.

The weather is fantastic. The sun shines bright, the sky is blue, the breeze is light, and the beach is like heaven. Amazon ring sales are great (slower on some days, which I really take to heart too much).

Disneyland awaits. NAAF awaits. Patrick awaits!

Seriously, now that this is written down, I’m so lucky. I’m so grateful.

—

So what makes me feel sad?

Slow ring sales days
– Happens. That’s just the way businesses are. Worrying does not change things. Know that you are already doing everything to improve sales consistency. If sales slow for over 3 days, then start reflecting and form a plan. Just keep doing what you do, don’t let your mood get affected by something like this! Your steady, happy, strong emotional health is important for your biz. It’s good for your well-being.

Refunds / Unsatisfied customers / Difficult customers
– Ask if there’s anything we can improve. Know you that can’t satisfy everyone all the time. Sending the email is already doing your best. If they reply / By handling them, you learn. It’ll for sure be beneficial down the road.

Mailing error
– Happens. Resolve. Know that it’s not your fault, and it’s rare. Know that later on you can get someone else to handle this. Know that FBA makes it not your problem, and most of your biz is FBA.

Having to do things I don’t want to do, such as SEO
– Just think about the additional ring sales you’ll get out of this. Know why you do each thing. More ring sales = more money. More money = more freedom, more options, more opportunities, more delegation = more happiness.

Loneliness
– This is temporary. You have been a good friend to several people, and they will be good friends back at you. When you’re in Vancouver, you’ll have these people to hang out with: Norm, Midori, Afiya, Cat, and more people you meet.

Bad skin
– This is temporary too. You’ll use Pentaxyl regularly, and take something like OPC powder. Drink water. You’ll have it figured out!

Aging
– Everybody ages. This 41 year old Taiwanese woman is doing amazing. I can do it too!  She works out, snacks on apples, applies pentaxyl cream, and drinks water with OPC powder.

Fear that Patrick might disappoint me
– No expectations. If you see him, great, if you don’t, also great. Remember how transforming he was to your alopecia. That’s wonderful. But that experience you had with him does not make him a saint. He was the right person at the right place and the right time. He never was a saint. He was great in bed, he was social, he was a flirt, he was a cheater. He admires ambitious people, his attention span was short, he was a flake, his top priority was himself. He loved people, he loved everybody, he is open-minded and non-judging. He wants to be a good person but his self control is low. He wants to succeed but he has no persistence. He is optimistic, chill. He doesn’t have a plan. He doesn’t have huge ambition. He just likes hanging out with friends on the beach, on hot sunny days.

I don’t know much about him, but I know these things about him. He is just a normal guy who is attracted to your appearance. You had a fling with him, but neither of you would actually consider dating each other. Yes, you may have been a couple in a previous life or a future life, but no need to make it a big deal this life.

My own procrastination, lack of productivity, and sometimes lack of motivation
– Go to bed early. Wake up at 8:30a – tried that today, went horribly. It’s more important to get enough sleep
– Write down to do for the day – tried that…no motivation today…probably from sleep depravation and intoxication (in the basement, searching for my staple gun and glue gun).

 

Ok now I’m gonna go over each of the above and make things right for myself 🙂

 

 

Already Patrick is changing me, and that shouldn’t be.

I messaged him yesterday and he hasn’t messaged back. He didn’t have to, but it was definitely the coldest way to handle it.

I have been exercising since I heard from him yesterday. I also stopped eating wheat and most of the non-paleo foods.

I also bought some intense moisturizers.

Sigh. I guess in some ways it’s good. I was losing the motivation to look good and stay healthy again. And while it kinda sucked that he didn’t message me back, it wasn’t on my mind too much.

I did dream about how we can hang out lots, go on dates, etc. But, I’m gonna stop doing that. Forget it. I’m not even gonna remind him when I get to Vancouver in 10 days. I’m not gonna go out of my way to get someone to come to me. I’m not gonna fantasize about him anymore.

I’ll enjoy time with him if it happens, but I’m not gonna make it a priority, or any priority.

Sigh. I know it’s kinda lame. But, I just don’t trust handing my heart to someone like him. Not at all.

It shouldn’t be this way. I shouldn’t have to drop my expectations so low when hanging out with anyone. I won’t do that. Not even for Patrick. I won’t tolerate disrespect.

Had my lesson with Josh. I suppose that was the reason why it happened. So that I can be more guarded. Thinking back booty call guys don’t give you a time. They think they can just drop by any time.

I wish, with all my heart, that the world loves me. That I get undivided attention. That I get spoiled for once. I think everyone wants that. ….At least I don’t hurt people. At least I try to be responsible and reliable. That’s not what some of these guys are like.

On the plus side, I’m so thrilled about the ring sales these days! 39 Amazon ring orders yesterday plus 1 bow tie; also a 6 bow tie order on KT, and 1 ring order from Etsy! Today, 39 rings sold on Amazon so far (11:17pm) and 3 from Etsy!

I’m so stoked that, in month 1, I made $4, and in month 2 (the past 30 days). I made $4492 + $4958 + $1,253 = $10,703 USD!!!! Plus $2.1K sales from Knotheory.com, which is about $1.2K profit. So $11.9K USD, (plus about $60 from Etsy) which is $14.9K CAD!!!! Holy amazing. I’m SO grateful and so happy!!!

Wow. Patrick is back in Vancouver!

I could hardly believe it. I have been thinking about him a bit more lately, and I wondered why all that thinking about him didn’t bring him come back into my life. But then it did.

Last night, an hour before his birthday, he Facebook msg’d me. I didn’t even recognize who that was. His screen name was “Patrick Tal” instead of “Patrick Talbot”. I had to read our past conversation to see who it was. I noticed that last we chatted was me wishing him Happy Birthday in 2013. Exactly two years ago.

I love many things about him. He was the first person to make me feel amazing without hair. He was one of the hottest guys I’ve slept with. He was funny. He was….someone I’ve met and been in love with in previous lives.

But I know he is not perfect. I know I cannot trust him. I know I cannot count on him. He said I was the first person he thought of upon coming back to Vancouver. That’s sweet. But deep down I just think that he sugar coats everything and probably says the same to other girls.

Still I fantasized that we’ll have a super fun summer. I fantasized that I ask him to help me get abs. We have a hot workout, hot sex. And after, we go for lunch, and I’d buy him lunch as a thank-you for training me. And we’d see each other a couple times a week for this, and we’d have steaming hot sex every time.

But I don’t bank on this happening. Even if it did, I don’t bank on it being consistent. Ha, unless I pay him.

My biggest fear is that we don’t end well. It happened when I saw Idriss the second time, and when I saw Josh the second time.

With Josh, all I expected was that he showed up and kept in touch if he was gonna be away. He couldn’t even do that. Wasn’t a problem the first time I met him, but second time it was.

I think Patrick will be the same. He is probably gonna be worse.

When we expect nothing, we don’t get hurt. I wish I get everything I want, but I want a lot. It’s easier to make myself not want it much, than to want it half way.

I’ll be happy to see him if it happens. If I don’t, I’ll be happy that at least we had some special memory from last time.

 

Ryan who I met last summer at floater boating messaged me the day before.

He was the alpha male of the floater boating gathering, since he founded it about 10 years ago. Plus he was the only good looking guy at the event. So, I was attracted to him.

He was not super hot. He was decently hot though. Plus he was funny, smart, a mechanical engineer who obviously makes a good income, cool, and sexy. I liked him.

But, he has a girlfriend. She was decently pretty, great body, super nice. They are a good match.

Last summer, just before parting, I felt that he was attracted to me at some level. But he was a good enough bf that he didn’t express it.

Since then, I have been wanting to be friends with him, and, I guess his gf too. They were both funny and I wanted to be friends with funny people. They hosted lots of parties too.

They were friendly but somehow we didn’t meet up at all the past year.

I chatted with them on FB once, 2 months ago. Krysta was nice and funny. Ryan was, not flirty, but sexual.

Then the day before, Ryan messaged me out of the blue. Normal start, but he definitely slipped in flirty lines. I got so turned on. But I didn’t let him know. I wanted to be a good person and not trying to steal someone’s boyfriend.

I lost a bit of respect for him for being flirty despite having a great gf. But at the same time, I got so fucking wet. I masturbated several times that day, and yesterday.

I think it was my posting of 6 shades of Tanya on Facebook that turned him on all of a sudden. That pic is definitely a sex bait. Got me Josh.

 

It’s saddening though, to think that all the great bf’s I know have hit on me. Mike, Jason’s friend (while his gf was pregnant), Patrick, James (Jamie’s), Matthew, and now Ryan. The only one who hasn’t hit on me was Ty. He is a pretty good guy.

At the same time, I’m kind of thrilled that these guys were attracted to me. Because I was attracted to them too. (Except not so much with Jason’s friend…whatever his name was.) And it made me feel somewhat attractive to attract pretty much any guy I’ve been attracted to. The only times I’ve failed were when the guy was already fixated on a crush (Like Joe with Jackie, and Jarl).

I don’t think I can ever trust a guy when everyone flirts. I guess some girls are ok with it though…?

In any case, I sort of know Krysta and she’s been nothing but nice, so, it’s hard. Plus, Ryan is not Patrick. Patrick is someone I’ve met before. He is unique.

Still, I fantasized about Ryan. I hardly remembered what he looked like, but I fantasized that he made a move on me and we kissed passionately and I moaned quietly, then I pulled away, totally wet, noticing his boner.

I haven’t had sex in so long, that even this is turning me on. Sigh. I want a playmate. A nice, sexy, sweet friend with benefit.