Today, I had dinner with Elena. I haven’t seen her in a long time. It was nice to catch up.
She said she missed me. I honestly haven’t missed her much. I think she is super nice and sincere, but I don’t think she is super funny or smart or inspiring. BUT she can be a bit funny, and I learn stuff talking to her sometimes. Oh and she is very reliable and thoughtful.
She wants to go to Bali in January for her 50th! And she wants to do so much! This was a new side of her! Turned out that’s how she likes to travel, but Emil only wanted to lie on the beach, so that’s what they usually do on vacations!
I’m becoming more and more convinced that I don’t want a boyfriend or a husband.
She said half of her friends are divorced. And she said that as people get old and sick, they don’t have the capacity to take care of each other. They just get annoyed with each other and wish the other person wasn’t there. Wow. That makes sense.
We went to Jungle Room. The food was pretty good, the price was too high for what you get though. The springrolls were the best there. Octopus dish was mostly bread. Wouldn’t go back.
She said her and Emil have had sex twice this year, and she thinks Emil would’ve been fine if it was 0 times. He is sad that an opportunity to make lots of money and to move to Florida fell through.
Meanwhile, Elena is excited about her girls trip to Bali! It’ll be her first trip without him! I’m shocked.
I wouldn’t be surprised if they separate. And if they do, I think Elena would be much happier! She said her hikes with her girlfriends are way more fun than her hikes with Emil and Teo.
Teo is just a selfish brat.
I had a brief chat with John today. Stocks are doing well. $6.85M in IBKR, and $1.8M in TD, plus $310K cash I put into TD. So John’s managed amount is $8.65M, and I have about $325K USD in cash. But I owe mom $400K CAD.
So I guess my net worth is $9M CAD. Business is worth at least $1M USD.
I told him I’m going to the Jungle Room with Elena. He said I can drop by before. I said maybe after.
After dinner, I went to drop by his place, but he didn’t pick up. Turned out he was with his “friend” in the sauna.
Ugh. I was so upset. Because, I needed to use the washroom and I thought he said I could come by after, but he said before not after. I was also upset because it suddenly dawned on me that he hasn’t been picking up my phone calls.
He also has been unattentative on the calls, but that’s typical of him I guess. And he has made the calls quite short, which I pointed out and he tried to rectify one time.
Sigh. I was so mad thinking about it as I lied in bed, I had to get up and type this out.
I thought about all the threatening things I’ll say and do. Get my keys back, never pick up his calls again, never see him again.
Tears started to well up as I thought about how he put 0 thought in to my bday this year, bought me the worst flowers (green, perfumey, and clearly he was going on a date and picked up these uglier flowers for me). I thought about how he doesn’t trust me with his keys. I thought about bad I feel every time I’ve been on the phone with him, because he wasn’t present and because he is negative and dismissive.
And yet, I feel sad and jealous that he is dating.
Deep down, I’m still somewhat attracted to him physically. He is getting old now, but he is as good as it gets for a 45 yo guy.
But I gotta remember, his personality sucks. He sucks in bed. He sucks as a friend. He sucks as a boyfriend. He sucks sucks sucks.
The only things he is good for are:
- Made me a lot of money
- Verbally appreciative of me
- Will try to do better after doing everything wrong
I just need him to make me more money.
I’m done with having him as a friend.
Now the question is, should I say anything to him?
I think, next time he calls, I’ll just not pick up. For as long as it feels right, I won’t pick up. Maybe the next week or month…
I won’t arrange meeting up with him either. He had proposed that we hang out once a month, after I called him out. But so far he has not asked me when I’m free, and he’s had no plans. I’m gonna put 0 pressure there. We’ll see how long it is before he made a real effort to see me.
So for the next little while or long while, I’ll simply let him go. I’ll stop putting the effort in. I’ll only reply to him in whatsapp if he messages me. And will mostly be in emojis.
Sure I’ve been mad at him before, but I always let him know why I was mad, and I always give him the chance to talk it out / justify / make it up. Not this time. I’m actually done this time. Not going to put more effort in than he puts in. Not going to tell him to treat me better. No instructions this time. Just coldness. Just avoidance.
In the past little while, he has:
- Not putting any thought into my bday
- Not initiate meeting me for 3 months
- Not picked up the phone when I called
- Bought me the ugliest flowers
- Cut our calls short
- Not been present in our calls
- Forgotten to message me back in whatsappI know other people have had worse ex’s, but, I just don’t need this downer in my life. I am happier when I don’t interact with him.
I had a realization today: most men are just not thoughtful.
Actually, Alison and Tammy’s husbands are pretty thoughtful.
Maybe Asian men are more thoughtful?
North American men suck (even if they are Asian).
I’ve been expecting local men to be thoughtful, and just end up being so disappointed.
I think I need to either adjust my expectations, or, only have brief exposures to men (i.e. flings).
A couple days ago, I was surprisingly still upset about Sid.
It’s been so long now. Why do I even think about it?
I guess it’s because he is more active than ever at Spikeball. That annoys me. I wish he’d go away like Hilda and Rob eventually did.
I thought about what it is that made me so upset still, and realized that it’s rejection.
He flirted with me, and I developed a crush on him, and he flaked out on me, which basically meant he didn’t have a crush on me.
Recently, I learned that 2 other guys didn’t have a crush on me.
Herry (whose name is gross anyway) was clearly more into Nicole (sigh…If I was 22 years younger, I’d be more likely able to compete), and invited her and Dips to his potluck in front of / near me. That was a double dis because he was not interested in me AT ALL.
Then again, I know John R. is interested in me, but he never invited me to anything. He invited other girls but not me. I didn’t let that get to me because I’m not interested in him.
Another one is realizing that Brian has been dating someone, and then got dumped. He thought the dates were going perfectly. That upset me because thinking back, he flaked out on my party as well. And I had a crush on him briefly too…took a while because he is ugly IMO. But what sucks the most is that, he didn’t try very hard to date me it seems.
I gotta know that, there are many reasons why people try hard or less hard, are attract or are not attracted. It works out when 2 people are mutually attracted and trying. It could be timing, it could be luck. It’s a complex equation. It doesn’t have to do with a person being more worthy or not.
I guess if someone is young and beautiful, they have the best shot. More than anything else.
I mean, look at Elijah Kim. I’ve barely interacted with him, and I’m pining for him. Because he has the nicest body of anyone I know atm.
I miss the days when I could have sex with hot guys with perfect bodies. Patrick, Matthew, Josh, Devan, John.
They are all old now. I know Patrick has gained weight and his hairline receded. 10 years ago, hot damn he was perfect1 Perfect body, perfect face.
Keilor. I don’t miss him anymore. The memory of him and of us has faded….
But he made me laugh, he listened to me and remembered what I said, he was gracious/non-judging, he was the best kisser I’ve had, and, he was probably the healthiest (mentally) of them all. And the most fun to be around.
He didn’t have a perfect body. And he was very short. And his dick was barely big enough. He was, physically, not the same caliber as the kind of guys I used to get, but, personality-wise, he was one of the best! And, he is 18 years younger than me. I have no complaints. I’m SO grateful to have our encounter!
Lately, biz stress or peri-menopause got me to not crave sex anyway.
As a society, it’s harder and harder to find sincere guys too.
Elijah – I want him. He is only 22 or 23 though. And he is Christian. And he lives in Richmond, probably with his parents. He is a kid lol.
I played Spikeball with Catherine, Pranav, and (Indian) Sean yesterday. Oh and Ian (from BC Roundnet) came too.
It was fun!
The funniest moment was when 3 dogs ran around playing so hard ran into Pranav! We joked about how Pranav was invisible to the dogs hahaha
I always cherish good spikeball moments. Every now and then I miss Josh because he always runs for the balls. I also love all the laughing moments with eveyrone. Mylo, Dips, etc.
I’m still upset with Sid.
I have so much anger in me, I had to take a moment to figure out why I can’t forgive.
I think it’s 2 fold.
1, I REALLY care about these qualities in people: fun, sincere, reliable. Oh and I like people who are outgoing / brave / bold. That’s why I like Nicole Y. and Yesol and Ayumi so much especially when all 4 of us hang out! I really don’t like flakes, that’s why Hilda and Rob and Sid really pissed me off.
2, I felt rejected by Sid. He was flirty with me. But he was going on dates. That should’ve been a clear sign that he wasn’t interested in me.
I mean, I’m among girls in their 20s and 30s. I look good for my age, but I’m still clearly older. I might be the most fun, interesting, smart, and athletic, but youth is such a plus. I mean, I’m into younger guys myself, who am I to fault guys for preferring younger women?
It’s just that I never failed to be the one that guys have a crush on. I had never been defeated. But now, it happens. Herry is clearly not interested in me. Sid is not (though he still tries to be on my good side…but it’s too late).
I can’t think of anyone at Spikeball that has a crush on me actually. I imagine myself being so rizzy, and yet, no one has made an effort to court me. I know who always checks out my IG stories though. Shane, Sim. And now Pranav, (Korean) Sean. Sometimes John R. John is the only one that made it somewhat obvious that he finds me attractive. No one else did lol.
On the other hand, it’s good that I’m not crushing on anyone at Spikeball. It’s my playground and I wouldn’t want it to get tainted if a relationship failed.
Also, imagine if Sid was actually interested in me and we dated. We’d break up in months, and he’d be flirting with all the girls at Spikeball. That would’ve sucked even more! Also, based on his fingers, he probably has a small dick!
Then there’s Herry, who has a gross name. And somewhat feminine and vein.
I think, if a guy is interested in me, my bar is pretty low. But because they aren’t interested, I dodged a bullet.
OH and there’s Elliot, who was flirty with me, but then also showed so much interest in Eddy’s gf Rebecka. That grosses me out.
Oh and Reza, who was REALLY flirty with me, but then revealed that he was on a date. WTF. I was so grossed out I didn’t even want to go to his bday party. He is 29 and said age is just a number. But, he is not that cute and is quite scrawny, and is studying to become a dental assistant which is quite unattractive to me.
Basically, if a guy is in heat (i.e. in gf searching mode), he’ll hit on anyone really.
I want a good, high quality guy, sure. But those guys are rare, and if not taken, they have so many options.