Infatuated

I’m so infatuated with Matthew right now. Especially yesterday. I was in an orgasmic Matthew soup of bliss. I kept lying down and reminiscing our time the night before, giggling.

Today I’m not as bad. Work is super stressful right now.

But I still think about him. I think about his insecurities. It really makes me more interested in him, knowing that he has these insecurities. I’m not sure why.

I wish we can match up on different levels. I think that’s what good relationships are about. Both people think highly of each other and love each other rather equally.

It takes someone who loves to reciprocate to match up to me I guess.

 

Beauty – distance between lip and nose

Once, Tony Robins said that he talked to a plastic surgeon who revealed the perfect distance between the lip and the nose. It’s the height of the eyes.

He was saying this because he said sometimes the littlest things make the hugest difference….case in point, just a few mm of difference made can change whether someone is good looking or not.

This hugely impacted me. Much more than I’d like. I have been self conscious about the big distance between my lip and my nose since. My eyes don’t make up for this.

But, today, I thought of something. World’s top beautiful people have a longish distance between their lips and noses!

I can think of: JLo, Kim Kardashian, and Beyonce.

They all look similar to me actually.

I’m so thrilled to have realized this.

Besides, so many people tell me I’m beautiful. I should be happy with how I look 🙂

 

Matthew – mineral oil sex

Ah, so much fun with Matthew tonight, as always.

I really needed to see him tonight, and I’m so happy that everything worked out.

I needed him to help me build some good memories, so I can erase the memories in Vegas. I already put a lot of it behind me, but tonight helped me further.

I was so paranoid that he would cancel again. He cancelled Wednesday and moved it to today. I surprised myself with how much anger and paranoia I had in me. I kept making up lines that I would say to him, if he were to cancel. I felt horrible. I think I was just trying to minimize disappointment.

So I was so happy when he messaged me a Pusheen blowing kisses today, around noon. That relaxed me. He had me on his mind.

He said he is like that Pusheen, kissey and fat. I said I can’t wait to play with its chubby tail. He said I always played with his chubby tail until it broke and lost its chubbiness. Hahahaha

I asked if he wanted to see me without a wig tonight. When I was in Vegas, he said that he never saw me without a wig in person. I was so thrilled to hear him hint at having a desire to see me bald.

I think for the past 7 years, I’ve been waiting for this day. I’ve been waiting for Matthew to admire me for being a successful entrepreneur, and to be totally ok with my alopecia.

That day has come. (Even though my ring ranking plummeted today, sigh).

So his answer to seeing me bald was, “I’m fine either way :)”

It’s not the best, but it’s a start. It’s not like he was turned on by my baldness. He was just ok with it. It’s good enough for me. It’s not like I’m gonna date him (Maybe when we are old and he is more mature and no longer a player.) Just look at how far he has come…It’s progress already. And for a perfectionist like him, it’s probably a big deal.

Before coming over, he told me that Brexit won. He said we should discuss the pound. I said, Of course, we should reenact it. He said he’ll be Matthew and I’ll be England. Lol.

He was happy that I got his joke. Mentioned it again when he was here. He was like, I was gonna explain it, but you got it right away. We laughed and he pulled me in and kissed and hugged me. I think he was turned on by how quick I was. Supposedly Gemini’s love witty, intelligent lovers.

(At one point during sex, he asked me to hold his hands while I was on top of him. It was nice to hold hands with fingers interlaced. He tried keeping his hands up while I was in sort of a push-up position. It ended up more like me pinning him down and pounding him. So I said, “Who is England? Hmm??” He admitted to being England. We both laughed.)

We got oiled up, and indeed, mineral oil was 10x more slippery than coconut oil! He was quite turned on. He wasn’t holding my bald head so I guess he wasn’t into it, but he wasn’t turned off either.

We had some amazing oil sex. We laughed so much as usual. I was just so happy, I’d laugh at anything. It’s probably my happiest moment IN LIFE. Being with him, naked in bed, talking and fucking. I want this to last.

He was, as usual, diligent in sucking on my ears, and biting my neck. I was, as usual, getting so many orgasms. I was light headed. Later on in the shower his knees were trembling. I tremble when I’m super excited…so him trembling turns me on.

He loved oiling up my ass haha. Said he’d come over just to oil my ass.

At one point he kissed my shoulder and his lips were all oily. In the end both of our lips were so oily haha

He asked where I’d like him to come. I pointed to my left nipple. I like that he faces me when he comes (every time except first time). He said that’s easy, unless it’s from across the room. He didn’t hit the target at all (my nipple), but he rubbed his cum onto it after. Ok, that sorta counts. After he came all over me, we cuddled in oil, cum, and sweat.

I tasted a bit of his cum. It’s tasteless. He has a healthy diet of veggies and fish he says.

Then I went to shower. I came out of the shower to him drinking from the cat mug. Hahaha. So cute.

Then he showered. While he showered, we talked about alopecia, and his insecurities. His skin grows coloured spots (flat moles) and he hates that. He gets them removed surgically once in a while. So last time he had a bandaid on his back – it was him getting a mole removed. Ah, so that’s what it was. (Last time when I asked him, he joked about it being a botched surgery. I joked about him trying to attach a dick there so he can fuck me sideways.)

He still has a round red scar on his back, and he said I was the first person to see it. He showed me a white scar on his neck and a scar on his belly from the surgeries. I pulled him in and kissed his scar on the back. He said I was going to get infected with this mole growing thing. I said I was immune.

I liked that he shared something intimate with me. I know it’s because I was bald and he felt more safe to share it.

He also confessed that he had his back and ass lasered 8 times now. (I thought it was just his ass.) It’s something new that happened in his 30s…him growing black hair on his back. I did notice a bit of it.

TBH I would laser that off too if I were him. And for the bigger moles, I’d probably laser that off too. Can’t blame him. When you are near perfect, you just want to be more perfect. When you have the financial means, so be it.

I mentioned that I remember reading that this type of genetics (moles) is related to staying younger longer. He remembered reading that too. But it seems to relate to skin cancer also.

I can’t imagine him being old. I just don’t see it. I wonder if he would die young, from cancer. He is healthy, eats super healthy and has a healthy lifestyle though.

He has such a cute, perfect ass. A bubble butt. A guy-eqivalent of mine.

He knows that most people think his moles are nothing, and the hair was no big deal…but he wanted them gone. I understand. (Just earlier today, I was at the doctor’s getting an STD test done. I asked how I can get my cysts removed.)

I did notice that he has more spots on him than most people from the beginning, 7 years ago, but it never bothered me. I’m surprised that it bothered him so much.

It was a short 2 hour visit. We only had sex once. He came twice the previous times (except first time). He said I was the only person the past 3 years that was able to make him cum twice (or at least, to push his limits). I said we should see how many times he can cum.

We talked about how guys feel nothing (not turned on at all) after releasing. It’s so different from girls. No wonder he can be cold towards me.

He said his biggest turn on is that his (sex) partner is turned on. Mine too. Catch 22.

He said that when I orgasm, it makes him want to orgasm. He paralleled it to me getting my period early because I sync up with the other girls. It’s things like this that makes me like him a lot. He remembers things I say.

There were so many things I wanted to talk to him about, but there was no time. He had to go. It’s a weekday.

I squeezed in talking about my hijacker. I figured it’d impress him.

We chatted a bit by his car, kissed. He sat into his car, then looked at me, longing for a kiss. I was pleasantly surprised. We kissed. He said, “Thank you, tonight was awesome.” I laughed. It was, but it’s hard to say these oddly polite words. I do like that he says that though.

When he got home, we chatted a little bit as usual. I love that he always tells me when he gets home. He got home in record fast time, and he said tonight was so hot and yummy and oily. I told him how much I loved having him bite my neck.

Ahhh…I really enjoy him. He is so yummy. So funny. I can’t wait to see him again. I wish he’d stay for the entire day, and we’d fuck and talk all day. It’s just so fun to be with him.

I’m still very clear on the fact that we can never date, but I really enjoy being with him for the passionate sexy moments.

I want us to keep thinking up fun things to do together. Maybe sex on the balcony next time 🙂

 

Felicity

A little while ago, I decided to watch Felicity. I finished Season 1. It was great!

It aired in 1998, the year that I graduated from high school. The main characters were the exact same age as me! The actual actors are 5 or so years older.

Found Season 2 on Putlocker and started watching it there. Oh man, it is so real in some ways. The way they portrayed Ben…he is just like Patrick. A little better than Patrick, but so similar. These writers know what they are doing.

Watching this makes me want to find a boyfriend…even though all these relationships end badly (they have to….to keep the show going).

The most amazing thing about the show is that everyone eventually forgives each other (they have to…to keep the show going) haha.

I feel behind in ASM. Yet I’m watching Felicity and dreaming about meeting a guy. Sigh. I need to whip myself.

I think I need to just get stuff done before leaving for Barcelona.

Seeing Matthew on Wednesday. He messaged me yesterday to ask if I’m available Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday. That’s nice. I really liked that.

I’m so looking forward to seeing him. I really want to get the bad memories of Patrick out of my mind, and replace them with fun sex memories of Matthew.

 

New Self: Value Added

I’ve decided to add two new hobbies to my life: volleyball and alopecia videos.

This year seems to be all about doing things I don’t really want to do but have to do (but not really). Going to China. Going to Vegas. Going to Barcelona. I hope Barcelona turns out to be a good trip.

I mean, there are things that I end up loving to do and getting to do. Matthew.

Matthew has two main hobbies: piano and rock climbing. I’m inspired to have the same.

Marjorie Hillis, a Vogue editor from 1930s, wrote a book about girls living alone. How it should be enjoyed. She wrote about the importance of having hobbies: 1 outdoor and 1 indoor.

Mark Zuckerberg sets goals. Currently he is running 365 miles for the year, and writing an AI program for his home controls.

I’m inspired by all these people. Sometimes I feel like a puppet really. I came across Marjorie and Mark in one day. I feel like the Universe is urging me to take on these hobbies.

I went on these trips, and felt like I was puppeted into them too. Like, I have no choice but to let them happen.

I still wish that one day Patrick will feel remorse. Sigh. But I feel that there’s a bigger picture here, that I don’t yet see. Perhaps this bad experience was supposed to trigger my desire to find a boyfriend, or to cause me to more readily take Matthew back, or so that I would be more prepared to let him go, or so that I would be less easily hurt in the future…who knows.

Maybe it has no meaning. Just like all the times that I got lost due to my lack of sense of direction. I sometimes felt that the detour was for a reason, but it never was.

Anyway, I now feel compelled to take on / continue these two hobbies. There’s a bit of reluctance, because volleyball is unfun sometimes, and doing videos is a lot of work.

But I need to find a way around them. Some discipline will lead to something good. I believe that.

I will find a way to avoid the unfun parts of volleyball. Such as not signing up for a full course again. Get better via drills. Practice with Brodie more. Find new friends to practice with.

For alopecia videos, I think I can get into it. I’ll get to practice talking, NLP, and being charismatic. I’ll get to help people. I’ll get to grow a fan base. I’ll get more respect. I’ll have more influence. It’s positive outlook for myself too. There are so many good things about it.

I know I’m feeling lazy way too often. I know that I feel that there is more to do then there is time, as is. I can hardly find time to grow my biz.

But I’ll learn to budget time. I’ll learn to have more discipline. I’ll grow my biz.

Remember, all these things are good for getting better lay! Hahaha

More volleyball – more fit, more friends, more respect!

More alopecia videos – more happiness, more kindness, more connections/exposure/reach, more respect!

More discipline – more productivity, more biz growth, more money, more free time!

 

Patrick – the end

It took me a while to write this. It’s been hard to get to this point.

I held Patrick up on a pedestal, because he was the first person to want to see me bald and to tell me I look better bald. We had the best sex that night, when he told me he’s never been so turned on his entire life.

This trip was special to me.

Before the trip, I had a nightmare. Just like how I had a nightmare about Idriss, before visiting him. The dreamt that Idriss and I got into a fight because he didn’t have time for me. It was exactly what happened.

This time, I dreamt something about Patrick asking me to pay $200, $300 for something. I actually just remembered it today, and it shocked the hell out of me. I am fucking intuitive! I’m not sure if I like it. It’s not like I can prevent anything that is bound to happen. So what’s the point of knowing?

I was excited about this trip. I didn’t want it to go badly. I thought that my excitement meant it’s all gonna be ok.

Somehow Patrick managed to fuck it all up. 7 hours before the flight, asking me to book a fucking hotel.

I must say that he was sweet on Day 1, introducing me to everyone, and we fucked twice. The show was so much fun. Day 2 we still hung out a lot. Had a little fight over gym confusion, but we still had sex. Day 3 he left me waiting until 8pm. We still had sex, but the rest of the night was shitty. Day 4, he arranged to take me downtown and ziplining, but it was with so much indifference it was painful. That night, I hung out with his friends instead.

I was in so much pain. I wrote 3 extremely nasty messages to him, with empty threats. My goal was just to give him pain.

I didn’t cry so much….I cried a lot more when I thought Matthew and I were over. I just didn’t know how to re-adjust my image of this person whom I valued.

Is it another lesson I must learn?

It’s been over a week. I feel more calm about it. Being back with Matthew cheered me up immensely.

I have this feeling that, it’s just meant to be. The fact that he asked me to go on a weekend. The fact that I booked the O show and can’t change date. The fact that it was the week before my period and I was moody. The fact that he was having whatever that caused him ask me to book a hotel. It was all meant to crash and burn, just like how we were meant to have sex that night.

And so, that’s how it went. The force of this was too strong, and there is no way I was going to get out of it alive.

I just don’t know why it has to be this way.

Why can’t he just be a good memory?

Part of me still has this feeling that he’ll come around and apologize. I’m not giving him a chance to, nor will I forgive him, so I don’t see how. But I feel that he will, somehow.

I feel that he is a very messed up person. I feel that given more time him and I would understand each other better and would be able to resolve this, but we didn’t have more time. Nor is he worth more time.

I try to think of the moments of his niceness….the kind that I understand:

  • I said I brought him 2 presents. He said, “No, just one. You are the present.”
  • “I’m all yours.”
  • Always helped me carry bags and opened doors for me.
  • Never checked out girls or hit on girl in front of me.
  • Did arrange to take me downtown and ziplining as promised. Did message me the moment he got up, trying to be cheery. Did come up to have sex with me when I asked. It’s like, he has a sense of duty in a way. Not the same as mine, but there’s something there.
  • He was surprisingly upset over me leaving him stranded at Blonde’s. Said he felt responsible for me and always kept me posted, but I didn’t do the same for him.

I also did love that we looked good together. Or, rather, we both looked good. And so many people complimented me right in front of him.

  • A waitress said, “You two are an amazing couple.”
  • Cirque du Soleil ticket lady said, “You must be a model.”
  • Random guy wanted to hug me, right in Patrick’s line of sight as I was walking towards the roulette table.
  • An Asian lady who worked at the casino asked if I was over 21 and carded me.
  • Random woman came over to the roulette table to tell me I looked stunning (I was right beside Patrick). She said, “You are probably 20, but when I was young, Sinead O’Connor was so popular.”
  • A couple more people said they liked my hair.
  • A blind-looking lady said she liked my style.
  • A young lady in the elevator said, “I just have to say, you look super sexy.”
  • When walking with Patrick, all the black girls were staring at me.

Like all the guys, he’ll realize one day that he did me wrong, and will probably try to contact me. I want to know that he is sorry, but I really don’t care to see him ever again. We are done.

Bec and Tommy want to come over to visit me. That’s kinda funny. I didn’t expect that! I told Bec to bring Chad hahaha. Chad was such a hottie and such a good dancer. And he was pretty sweet to me.

Though in all honesty, Matthew is the hottest guy in my mind right now. Chad might be hot, but being so young makes him less attractive. His face seems to lack something…maybe it’s too much baby fat on his face. There’s something about Matthew’s face that comes with age. He is still young-looking, but there is something that makes him look older and more attractive to me.

If Matthew is capable of love, I’d be with him.

 

 

Matthew being cute

My period started two days ago…which means no Matthew until next week. Sigh.

Yesterday I looked at our messages, trying to remember when and how we started talking again.

It was in mid August 2015. I posted something about guys being naked. He made a comment, and I replied. I rarely replied to him. He quickly messaged me.

We had a super fun chat. We were both so witty.

I called him out on flirting and having a girlfriend. He said he was in a bored something and likely to call it quits soon. Well, it’s been almost a year. Still in it. Still has a biz with her. (I guess it took Norm a while to break out of his shitty relationship too.)

Doesn’t seem to post pics of them together anymore though.

We flirted more in September, then not much for 2, 3 months. Then he started messaging me again in December, and we flirted for 3, 4 months. Then we met up in March 2016, and started having sex.

So we got together after 7 months of on and off flirting. I’d like to think that he persevered…but maybe it’s just that I’m one of the people who always replied to him.

He wishes me happy birthday every year, and he cheered me up more times than he realizes.

I’m always happy to hear from him, because he is funny and pretty much always horny when we talk. If we are talking, it usually means he is horny. So much so that I am turned on whenever I see a message from him.

Yesterday, before going to bed, he sent me a kiss. That was a cute surprise. Maybe he’s been thinking about me too. We are connected.

But there isn’t much point in over thinking it. We are just friends with benefits.

Yes part of me wants to date. We are so similar. But, I also know that there is a side of him that I really won’t like. The side that is cold, self-centred, cheating, and vain. He won’t ever sacrifice for “love”.

He’ll always be a little insincere and out of reach I think. The cutest thing he’s said to me was “I super duper loved every yummy moment with you.” I think that’s as good as it gets.

For a Gemini, I guess he is more sincere than Patrick, but still skittish. Still no boyfriend material.

The best relationship we can have is the one we have now. Fuck buddies.

So in that sense, I want him to be in this bored relationship. I don’t want him to be single.

I want to have him in my life for years to come. When we are old, maybe we can be together. We’ll have lots to talk about, and we’ll both be very rich.

 

 

Matthew…so addicted

So addicted to Matthew right now.

I feel that I hang onto him even more now, wanting to erase Las Vegas nightmare.

I wish I could fuck him right now. I need some good memories to replace the bad ones.

He’s been pretty good about replying to me. And he’s been liking my posts as usual.

It makes me want him even more.

Not to mention he is smart, funny.

I stalked him a bit today and checked out his old photos. There was no trace of girlfriend for a year now. And before that, he’d post photos of himself, but without her. She’d make a grumpy comment and he wouldn’t reply.

If I didn’t know that they are in a business together, I would think that they are so done.

I fantasize about us being a couple. We’d be unstoppable…maybe.

But he is not the one. Too selfish, too Gemini. Sigh. He is so great in all other ways… recently he even showed interest in seeing me without a wig! If he likes it, that’s one of 2 deal breakers removed. But being a soul-less, selfish cheater is the other deal breaker.

Matthew

Matthew, always does the unexpected.

I’m starting to see his style though.

  • Takes the blame (never argues it) but states that he is that way with others too. No bad intention. (He’s done that before)
    • Told me that he has been the same way with his friends, not initiating chats nor activities because he is too busy and stressed
  • Never mention gf / possibly jealousy issues
    • Told me he just walled himself up for weeks (implying that he wasn’t spending that time doing fun things or hanging out with his gf)
  • Never brings out the flaws of others.
    • Never accused me of not messaging him etc.
  • Tries to correct my negative assumption
    • Only accused me of not being fair, saying that he doesn’t respect me, because he does respect me.
  • Sweet talking to make you still want him
    • Said we are largely on the same page. That he “super duper loved every yummy moment with me”.
  • Ready to let go, not showing any attempt to change or improve in order to save this. This part hurts me the most.
    • Said that I should be happy, and so I should go find a better version of him.
    • Said that I would just be upset more in the future because he comes across as cold.
  • And then, cleverly (intentional or not), said that he still wants me
    • Basically, I want you, I didn’t mean it badly, but I won’t change. Take it or leave it.

I think about what I want out of this, and how I’d get it.

I want him to willingly offer to be more communicative, and to see me more than once a month. I know in the past I’ve made the mistake of asking for it straight up, like an order. I asked to see Josh every other day. He was turned off by that. Not to mention that’s very frequent. The part that threw me off was that he agreed to it upfront, but wasn’t going to follow-through.

It has to be his own words. It has to be him wanting to do it and choosing to do it.

I’m not giving ultimatums. But I will stop seeing him as soon as he does it again. Assuming he agrees to change…

The thing is, this had really drained me today. I was so sad. Balled my eyes out. Lied down a couple times.

Actually, just re-read his messages. I think he is not as into continuing as I first interpreted…

Anyway, I’m ok with not having him. Maybe it should just be that. Maybe I’ll just leave it at that and not reply. I’m going on a Vegas vacation. That’s plenty to occupy my mind!

I’ll reply if/when he next messages me, because that’s when he is thinking about me.

I imagine that if I want him to voluntarily step it up a notch, I would:

  • Talk about something him and I can both do to improve. e.g. I will work on this, and you will work on that. It’s mainly an experiment. This is more bf / gf type convo.
  • Talk about standards
  • Be ok to end it
  • Relate to his entrepreneurism / stress / walling off

I know all too well what you mean about the stress of the business making you not initiate chats and activities with friends. I’ve been exactly the same.

Truth is I’ve walled myself off so often, I now have a real hard time initiating things with friends. I put them in my shoes, and feel that I would be interrupting their busy lives and would be getting a no.

In our situation my hang-ups are amplified. I think a normal person would’ve messaged you early on instead of waiting a month for you to say, let’s have sex!

I would love it if every two weeks is our rhythm…which isn’t a lot but would be perfect. No guessing, just a polite heads-up if it wasn’t going to work out that week.

And I thought our sex was so good, being without it for a month would be hard. Though we are surprisingly similar the more I learn about you, a whole month is stupidly long for me.

 


I know all too well what you mean about the stress of the business making you not initiate chats and activities with friends. I’ve been exactly the same.

I just thought our sex was so good, being without it for a month would be hard. Though we are surprisingly similar, a whole month is stupidly long for me.

I would love it if every two weeks is our rhythm…which isn’t a lot but would be perfect. No guessing, just a polite heads-up if it wasn’t going to work out that week.

 

Patrick

Asked for Patrick’s address yesterday, and he replied fairly quickly.

He lives on a “Flamingo” road.

I checked out the complex. It looks great! Looks high end. Even has a pool!

I told him I love flamingos. He said, “Then I’ll take you to see live ones.”

That just made my day 🙂