Month: February 2016

Started Maria, my first VA, yesterday!

I’m not sure how good she is yet.

It was a lot of work to set her up, but I’ve documented the process.

She was a bit slow on Day 1. That’s ok. She said her internet was extra slow yesterday but it was a one-off.

Played volleyball with Brodie today. It was fun. I learned that I need to hit the ball when it’s in a small window in front of me lol.

Also, I need to not put my hands together before the ball is near.

He trained me for about an hour…then we walked about business and stuff. And then we tried to play a little bit more but we already cooled off.

After that, we played foosball and then air hockey (first time for me!) It was fun.

I had lots of fun with Brodie, playing sports. He is patient even though we aren’t dating. I didn’t even feel any vibe from him today. I didn’t put eye makeup on today so I probably looked worse today too. But I’m starting to think that the lack of attraction is mutual. We can be friends after all.

Cyn is throwing a party when she is back. Double denim party, on March 19th. I got so horny just thinking about that Jackson might be there lol.

But who knows. I just know that I don’t want to have made out with Brodie and then can’t make out with Jackson. If there’s a chance to make out with Jackson, I’d choose him first I think.

Brodie is looking cuter these days, but he really isn’t the funnest person. We have fun doing physical activities, like kids would. But, nothing beyond that.

However, I had a long nap after coming home, and I dreamt about him! I dreamt that he applied to be some sort of special agent job, and they turned him down because he didn’t have 2 jobs in his job history. Then he started crying!

I was surprised that he started crying, so I gave him a big long hug. After a while he said he was actually horny now.

That was the start of our “relationship” lol.

So then we held hands and went to what seemed like a furniture store in a mall, where he can talk to a lady about qualifying a job he had so that he can qualify for the special agent job. After waiting a while, he came out of the shop really happy because they decided to count that job lol.

I don’t know if we kissed in the dream.

I don’t really fantasize about him. Even though, he is cute enough that I don’t mind him being close to me or even making a move. But, I’m not tempted, right now, to make a move on him.

Before I met Ashley, I was so tempted.

But Ashley is not in my life right now (I so wish he can come to the denim party!) and I don’t really think about him much any more, but I also don’t think about Brodie either.

I have almost no memories of Jackson nor Matthew. And I’m tired of thinking about Josh or Patrick. So really, there’s no one to fantasize about.

I so want to make out with someone cute for real. Someone who is really into me and will treat me nicely. None of the above guys really qualifies. Sigh.

How can I get more sincere attraction from attractive guys?

Woke up at 11am, did half of Jillian Michaels abs work out, showered, then headed to 12:30 dim sum with Norm and his 6month gf Sylvia.

I should workout like this every day 🙂

The food was ok. Sylvia was ok. She wasn’t super fun, wasn’t energetic nor charismatic nor “interested”. She seemed to not concerned with what I think of her nor was she at all insecure, which were I guess the cooler facts about her.

I thought long and hard about what to wear, but it didn’t matter. She seemed indifferent to everything. Our sense of humour didn’t jive. Norm tried hard to bridge the conversation…

There’s that charm that I guess many people lack. I hope I’m more charming than most people!

2 hours in I was ready to leave. I got home and tried on various wigs. My “my little pony” wig actually is quite good! I know I seem undatable, way too weird, way to childish and k-pop, to be considered gf material. But it’s not like any of these guys are bf candidates. I’ll find an occasion to wear it 🙂

In the evening, I went to Sum’s bridal shower. Her sister Kirin hosted it. Their house was BEAUTIFUL!! Tall ceilings, grand furniture, impressive and classy decorations.

About 20 people came, and they were all very nice. She does have a lot of good friends who care about her. I don’t think I have that.

Her sisters Kirin and Ang were really nice. They looked totally white for some reason.

The food they prepared were AMAZING! Bacon-wrapped dates, tandori chicken, mouse, grapes wrapped in (goat?) cheese, amazing salsa on bread, raspberries wrapped in white chocolate….they were better than the foods at Annie’s baby shower!!

The drinks were great too. Some had cool fresh sprigs of herbs in them, most had berries. So much thought went into it.

We sat around and she had to guess the person who wrote the card, and the person will bring her a gift.

Mine was the first, and she was happy to get the ties, bow ties, and a bottle of Vera Wang Princess perfume. That set was $270USD, which was $370CAD. A big gift. The biggest gift there. I wonder if they knew. Either way, I hope she appreciates it lol.

I sat by Ashriya who was Kirin’s daughter. She was 9 and lived in this beautiful house. I told her her name was beautiful. Her sister Morgan was by Summer, writing down gift notes. Lexi was beside her.

I actually really liked her. She was very straight forward, as kids are. I think ever since that Patrick told me she didn’t want to have kids but like kids, I realized it’s ok to like kids but not wanting to have my own.

I don’t like all kids, but I liked Ashriya. She asked for my name, and said she liked my name too.

She asked me how I make friends. Interesting question. I said, “Well, I just say, you wanna hang out sometime? But sometimes if it’s a guy, it’s a little bit harder because they don’t know if you want them to be your friend or your boyfriend.” I asked her, “How do you do it?” She said, “We just say, wanna be friends? And then I say, sure, wanna be best friends?” Hahahhaa. I miss those days.

I told her that it’s harder as I get older because some ppl already have a best friend. She said, yeah, or sometimes you don’t know if they just want to be friends because I have lots of stuff.

She asked, “Wanna see my room?” I was actually really curious about her room the moment she told me she lived in that house. We went up, and her room was so cute! Immediately I noticed a upper “floor”…it was a tiny triangular area with a glass siding. We went around to the other side of the bedroom wall, climbed up a sofa, into an “escape room” which then lead to this “floor”. It was so cool! Turned out they built this house from scratch, and asked the kids to design their dream house. She was 5 so she just drew marshmallows and and candy canes like it was a candy cane house hahaha. What a bunch of lucky kids!

We sat around and talked about water slides. It was fun to just be all dramatic like kids are when I’m with her.

She showed me her brother’s room, which was awesome too. Sports themed. Then she showed me her sister Morgan’s room, and it was probably the best. It had shelves filled with toys, including plush bunnies. There was a little walk-in closet, and some tiny room that was just for fun….I think it was safari themed?

The best part was that there was a lizard (Crested Gecko) in her room! Ashriya showed the lizard Jinx to me. It was the first time I ever touched a lizard! It was so cute and so beautiful! It was a big-headed gold lizard. Its feet were so soft. It kept walking so I kept putting one hand in front of another for him to walk onto.

Then we came back downstairs. She immediately went to confess to Morgan that she took her lizard out. Aw. So cute. Morgan wasn’t impressed, but was ok with it. Ashriya said, Are those my pants? Lol. They share pants.

So Ashriya really liked me. Everyone liked my pink dress (the one I bought for maybe $10 when I was in Shanghai). People complimented me on my earrings, my dress, my figure, my style. Awww.

Christy was there. She was nice. She has been vegan the past month. Same old with her she said. Still single and feeling sad about it. She couldn’t take her eyes off me, which was strange. I asked if it’s because I’m wearing a different wig, and she said no it’s just that she hasn’t seen me in so long.

She looked about the same, maybe a bit more nasal labial fold wrinkles. Her and I were the only good-looking people there I think. Summer’s sisters were not bad. The rest are just very average looking people. I sorta see why Summer wants to be associated with my, Christie, and Cyndi.

I think people liked me because I looked good and was outgoing. And the kids liked me because I was nice and was the youngest looking one. I’ll enjoy this while I can 🙂

Met up with Irene Cheung, CPA. She was so nice. I didn’t want to stick to her for the upcoming (or, 2015) tax year, and made up an excuse that I might choose a partner so I haven’t decided what to do yet. She launched into a big lecture about how I shouldn’t partner with someone. Yikes! I felt guilty for lying, and at the same was really impressed of her advice. Maybe she is a competent accountant after all.

I was getting hooked on volleyball after figuring out how to spike quite far. I practice with Brodie last week on Monday, played on Thursday, and drove to the open gym again on Friday. Lori, the woman at the open gym counter, now knows me. Yet, I sucked today. Made me feel extra defeated. Brodie was the star. So was Jamie. And Dan kept passing to Brodie, ignoring me. After class, he hogged Brodie too. I don’t like him anymore. I left without saying goodbye to Brodie. He should’ve come to say goodbye. Oh well. Not like I have a crush on him. He seemed a bit into me today though…before I started to suck at volleyball anyway. (I think right now I’m still a bit crushing on Ashley. I want to see him and make out with him. But no guarantee because he is so thick.)

The only good part today was that everyone liked my shirt. Jamie, Brodie, John all complimented me on my graphic racerback with a topless Stormtrooper lifting weights printed on it. I looked cooler than I played lol.

Another big progress was hiring a VA! Maria. She seems nice, though her references are iffy, and her English not perfect. I’ll ready her job offer this weekend. We chatted a bit, and she is really sad that she can’t have babies, at 37 with ovarian cysts.

There’s another girl, Keesha, whose application I just received yesterday. She has great potential! I’m interested in hiring her too. Her English is near perfect, her asking salary is low, I like her name, and she has an IQ of 114. (Maria’s is 93.)

If Maria is $370, and Keesha is $250, that’s $620/month. I can afford that. I can then either keep both, or choose one of them after 1 month. I have a feeling that Keesha will be great.

I hope they are both great! And that I can have both of them help me really expand the brand!

I’m getting slimmer, but it’s taking a while (longer than 3 days, sigh.) I want to be slim and fuck Matthew!

I feel that I’m adapting a new identity. An identity as someone who has the ability to provide, the ability to earn, the ability to succeed, the ability to build on success, the ability to enjoy life to the fullest using her new found abilities 😀

I made about $100K CAD in December, $25K CAD even in January. I made $250K CAD in 2015.

This is my income right now. I’m no longer that struggling starving entrepreneur making

It was Valentine’s Day yesterday.

I spent the day recovering from visiting with Tina the day before. I went to the big house, brought HONY book for Cyn, rings for Tina, and microneedle rollers for both. I went at 3pm, chatted with her ’til 7ish, and Tyler came home and we went for Thai food. It was mellow. She is a little bit fun, and very nice. She thinks very differently though. She likes to be in her comfort zone I think.

Ty wasn’t as funny yesterday, but still funny. I guess I expect him to be funny all the time. At least he laughs at my jokes. He is going with friends to see Star Wars and Zoolander. Never asked me. He knows I would’ve loved both. I sense a slight unease around me from him. Like he doesn’t want to be too close. Whether it’s sitting, or socializing with me. Might as well.

So I spent V day doing nothing really. I didn’t sleep well, possibly because of the curry…not sure what was in it. Ohh, actually, I didn’t sleep well also because Ashley was being really strange. I said I’ll hit him up when I’m in Victoria, and he was all like, I don’t have a place for you to hit up. I spend hours wondering if he meant sex, and turned out he thought I wanted to crash at his place and he was currently living with his parents. My mind was mega dwelling on it.

I cleaned a bit, did laundry, waited for the last interview which didn’t happen. Then I answered a bunch of customer support CS emails. There’s a lot from increased V day sale.

Then at around 7 or 8, Matthew message me. Ha. It’s aways him. He, of all people, have been in my life the most, and most consistently. Whether I’m sad or lonely, he is there. Maybe I’m sad and lonely a lot…

In any case, I hadn’t heard from him since the end of last year. It’s been over 2 months. I didn’t think about him much, because I had told him that I’m monogamous and it’s a no go between us. I didn’t expect to hear from him ever again.

But it was nice to hear from him. He was always funny and flirty.

He is nearly perfect really. On paper at least. I haven’t seen him in 6 years.

He is smart, funny, good looking, driven. The only problem is he is in a relationship. A bored one, but still.

We chatted as usual and he really made me laugh. I can fall in love with him quickly.

We entertained the idea of dating for a very short period of time. Less than 4 months.

I thought of him fondly and got really wet. I don’t have a visual much, because I haven’t seen him in so long. And my mind has been on other guys. I did like that he messaged me on Valentine’s Day.

Today, Brodie trained me for volleyball. I was wearing short shorts, and he smelled nice. He touched my arms when showing me the right posture for setting, linger his hands just a tiny bit.

We weren’t really flirting though. At the end we talked about his ASM stuff.

I really should get more stamina. I payed $15 to play with him today! And we probably only played for half an hour.

I was tired, we took a talking break, and people for the next time slot came in. Damn.

We played two games of foosball, and I actually won the second one! That felt pretty good. I finally win at something haha. Actually I came to the gym to practice volleyball by myself last week, and I practiced foosball too. I was paying attention to areas that I can improve, and it made a difference. I was doing better. Improvement is a great feeling! Optimization haha.

Brodie and I talked some more in the car, then we steamed up the car so I drove back to his place and we talked some more in the car. He is definitely easier to talk to now. I’m surprised he even went to an underground escape room / trap room thing. It’s more of a cerebral game. He also went to a DJ thing. I’m surprised that he was out twice in one week lol.

Too bad he wasn’t funnier. He is quite a quality guy.

Leaving his place, I noticed a message from Matthew that he didn’t get up ’til noon (implying how good his orgasm was last night).

I got home and was horny. My panties were wet. Not sure if it was from Matthew or Brodie.

I decided to masturbate and see who I thought about. I thought (sort of) about Matthew.

I was so tempted to make a move on Brodie since last time we spent 3, 4 hours at the open gym. But since then, Ashley took up my mind, and now Matthew. It’s good to have these distractions. This way Brodie and I can remain friends.

After masturbating, I had an epiphany. I had been saying no to Matthew, but why? When I really think about it, I have every reason to take up on his offer.

1. Having lots of fun sex is my goal
2. When I thought about dating him even for the short term, it was a lot of pressure. I’d rather just sleep with him.
3. I am so busy, I can only be a fuck buddy really. There’s no time to be a good girlfriend.
4. He would be a good distraction for me, from other boys. Such as when Brodie starts to be too tempting, or when Ashley is too frustrating to deal with, or when Patrick suddenly drops into my life and leaving me confused for days after. I think I will be able to take these things less seriously, if I have a fuck buddy.
5. I had always wanted to have lots of fun with Matthew. Now I finally get to. Didn’t think it’ll be 6 years later with him in a relationship, but, life is full of the unexpected.

Ok, the goal is starting 3 weeks from now, I’m gonna have some fun with Matthew.

For the next two weeks, I’ll focus on getting the VA hired and set up. Get in better shape. Clean up the house. My period will start around March 1st. So I’ll let him know around then.

I know he’ll love the news that I changed my mind about monogamy, if I tell him today. I don’t know about 3 weeks from now. I hope he’ll still love it. He’s been available all this time, after all.

I want to say to him, funny how we swap minds sometimes. How Cyndi wanted guys with a good sense of humour and I wanted guys with abs. Now she’s hooked up with a guy with abs and no sense of humour, and I’m thinking sense of humour (and a shade of abs) are more important.

It feels good coming to this conclusion. It’s like clearing a mental block. I hope it works out well! 🙂

I’m starting to think that Ashley the cellist is quite thick.

We emails a few times and I said I’ll hit him up when I visit family in Victoria.

He replied to say he is staying with his parents right now and therefore there’s no place for me to hit up, but we can go for coffee or something.

I was extremely shocked and confused. I thought he was thinking about hooking up. I thought he meant that since he doesn’t have his own place, we can’t have sex. Was I really coming on so strong??? After a while I thought maybe it’s not the worst thing, if his mind is in the gutter already.

But I thought about what to say when he replies. I thought about telling him that I thought he was amazing and fascinating, and that I wanted him in my life but not sure in what way yet. I wanted to flatter him and make myself seem innocent, and at the same time not block off the opportunity to make out or have sex with him later.

I was curious how he would reply. I imagined it probably would be something totally unexpected and my pre-drafted genius comeback email would be wasted. And indeed it was.

He replied to say that he meant I can’t stay with him. WHAT. Why on earth would I stay with him? I’m visiting family! I stay at my bedroom. Seriously. He is so strange.

I’m liking him less and less now.

Not that he has ill intentions, or even implied any lack of interest…but just the lack of EQ.

Still I kinda want to make out with him….

Well, I’ll keep looking. I hope I get to play volleyball with Brodie tomorrow.

Funny how, when I was in Victoria, I was thinking about Brodie a lot. I was distracted from the IMAX movies, etc. I vaguely remember. I remember thinking there’s no way I won’t end up making out with him. I remember thinking way too much about what to say if we end up making out. I remember convincing myself that it’s not gonna ruin anything.

Then, on the ferry, I met Ashley the cellist. I was smitten. Even more smitten the next day. I think in part because of the photo on his business card. I realized today that he looked like Klaus from the Lemony Snicket movie! Even recently I still thought of the 9 yo old character as attractive and looked him up. Scary I know. But I like the flat eyebrows, the intelligent look. Ashley didn’t look quite like that in person….he looked more like Paul Rudd…who I also thought was cute…but he is definitely photogenic. And he had the intelligent look.

It’s day 3 and I’m starting to forget Ashley, but the interesting thing was that I can’t remember what it’s like to get all worked up by Brodie. It’ll be interesting to see if he still turns me on when I see him possibly Monday, for volleyball training.

I think I can only like one person at a time. My brain was high on Ashley Green.

He has a face of a famous person. I feel like he is gonna be famous. I like his style, his height, his pects, his incredibly foreign world of music, his general non-judging and happy attitude.

I think about how he reached over to my scarf because he noticed the Knot Theory label, and how he compared his pinky to my index finger…I feel that those small actions were a sign that he was attracted. Sometimes I wasn’t sure at all if he liked me, because he was so bad at asking me questions and keeping the conversation going…but, I think only if he was attracted would he do the above things.

I remember saying in amazement how we got seat and there were people standing, and he said good thing I met him, and smiled shyly to himself. So cute.

I should’ve touched his hand more. He has incredibly long fingers for cello-playing I bet he’d be great at fingering me hahaha.

I hope I get to see him in March. I feel that if I get to spend time with him once more, with good makeup on, flattering clothes, and a resolve to attract him….I think he’ll be more hooked on me. Right now he is probably confused or half fast attracted. I had no makeup on, and I sent mixed signals.

I really want him. I wonder if we can have an amazing sexlationship.

He is so cute, so elegant and classy, so talented, so exotic. I remember when we were on the bus, I decided to stare into his eyes for as long as I could. Either I decided that, or I just couldn’t help it….not sure which one. He stared right back…..until I had to look away. I think I could’ve smiled, or close my eyes for a bit. Next time 🙂 I hope there’s a next time 🙂

Sitting on the ferry back to Vancouver today, I heard someone tuning their cello.

I was facing a wall at the front row, so I didn’t see the cellist. Before I knew it, the cellist had started playing, and was really good!

I thought it was funny that someone would just do a full blown performance on the ferry. They would have to know that they are good, because everyone the ferry is stuck with the music.

It really was great. I didn’t even know that I like the sound of cello! It was so smoothing to my brain, I loved it. I even thought to give the performer some money for the lovely music. I only had a $20…I thought about giving him the $20.

I peaked over the edge of the wall to see the cellist. He didn’t have a hat or a container for money. Ok, nevermind that. He was too high-end for it.

The surprising part though, was that he was quite cute! He was around 28, tall, Paul-Rudd kind of handsome, nice shoulders, chest, and arms, maybe just about to start balding at the back. Too bad about that. He was wearing a lavender v-neck with a dark plum/brown wool scarf draped over his neck. His style was so great.

But most importantly, he plays magically. It was such a turn-on to watch him play. Oh man..

I moved back a few rows so I can watch him play while I typed on my laptop. I already finished writing the interview questions for the first 2 VA interviews, so I was just journelling about life…my depression and lack of animation.

It was a fairly empty ferry. Only two people sat near me and they seemed to enjoy the music. Some people walk by and but no one really appreciated him. When he paused at the end of a composition, I looked around and no one clapped! So I clapped. He smiled.

He played more. I really enjoyed the sight and sound of it all. I understand now why people would pay to see this. It’s a pleasure to the mind.

When people walked by, he sometimes looked up, and I looked up, and our eyes met. I mean, he knew I was there being a fan girl, since I was the only one that clapped.

At the end of the second time, I clapped again. By myself again.

Someone went to chat him up. An older guy. Asking if he was in a symphony, and he was. He was not very social. I saw nervous ticks as he replied.

It was maybe 20 minutes ’til docking. He packed up. I told him he was amazing. Something like that. I asked him if it takes a long time to be this good. He smiled and said it depends.

He sat down near me, with the cello and the chair he sat on. I guess he could’ve returned the chair but he sat there maybe to talk to me. But he was so hard to talk to. I’d ask a question, he’d answer. I’d ask another question, and he’d answer. There’s no asking me questions back. I gave up and went to the bathroom. I came back and didn’t talk to him.

Finally he said, What brought you to Vancouver?

I guess it’s hard for him to find things to say to me. Normally people would’ve asked me what I do for work by now! I made it easy for him!

But we started talking some more. It was time to unload the ferry. We were both taking the bus, so we were walking together. He started walking downstairs. I was like, Um, I don’t think we need to go downstairs… He said, trust me this is better.

I got it. He was taking me down to the car deck, and getting off with the cyclists and people with pets! Smart!!!

He literally took me through the quickest route, even when other people veered off into a building, he was like, This way. And he pressed a button to open the chicken-wired fence! Ahahaha. So cool to learn this. We were the first to get on the bus. So many seats. So awesome!!!

On the bus I told him about what I do, and he showed more interest. He never thought to ask, but when he learned it he thought it was cool. I think he did like me.. he was just not very social. Like Brodie.

I wasn’t wearing makeup, but I had my straight blonde hair and my clothes were ok. I felt attractive enough.

On the ferry he said he got a full scholarship to start grad school in Vancouver, so he’ll be needing to look for a place in August. I mentioned the Haunted Mansion and said I’ll ask about it for him. I asked for his contact and got his business card. He looked cute on it.

But him being so socially awkward, I wouldn’t want to date him. I’d like to hook up one day in the near future, but it wasn’t an overpowering desire. I wasn’t nervous around him. I guess I can be more myself around him because of this.

We got on the skytrain together and sorta ran out of things to say. But oh well. I didn’t hug him when it was his stop of get off. We just smiled and said nice to meet you to each other.

I texted him, added him on FB, and liked his FB page. I knew his reciprocation would be half fast, and it was. His text was not very emotional, he accepted my friend request, and that’s about it. He seemed more fun on his FB profile. I wonder what he’ll think when he finds out about my alopecia. He may be too conservative to accept it. Not sure.

I hope I see him when I go to Victoria, and when he moves to Vancouver. It would be nice to have a makeout buddy when I’m in Victoria!

I’m happy that, I wanted to get to know him while was playing, and it really happened! Not much expectation for this to turn into sex, but it’s a good start. One of my goals for this year is to have lots of fun sex. Building a harem of cute guy friends is the right direction I think. They may all be cool but boring…which means less falling in love and more fun sex haha.

I’m making myself horny….gotta go….

—

Fell asleep thinking about him. Didn’t masturbate, just wrapped myself up in the blanket thinking about making out with him. It’s rare that I see someone I like. He must be really cute. I wonder if he picks up fans like me all the time.

To me he is like an alien. His world is an alien world. He is so exotic. And that turns me on.

And today had been such a fun day. This type of encounter is so much fun for me! A cute, talented, fascinating guy who seems interested in me. I live for experiences like this.

It’s kinda like meeting Idriss that week. Except Idriss wasted no time in hitting on me. I feel that this guy, Ashley (I’ve never met a male Ashley before!) takes it slow. He is far too awkward to make bold moves. I’ll have to make most of the moves, and if I do everything he may be scared away. That’s my impression of him. Side chick material he is. Oh man, like how I am to Patrick?

But the more I think about him (the next day) the more I like him. Not sure why.

—

Update: Later the next day, after thinking about him all day and having masturbated twice, I felt like I had run out of feelings for him. Have the chemicals run out? Or maybe it’s because of seeing his email reply. It’s not a bad email, just that it’s selfish and non-curious as usual.

I don’t know… I wish I was so attractive that guys will try harder.

Ah, there’s a cello player on the ferry, and I didn’t realize how soothing it was to listen to cello live. He is easy on the eye too. What a treat!

Zest for life…I feel as though it’s slipping away…

Maybe it’s the pressure of answering customer emails the past 2 months that’s taking its toll. I’m so fucking sick of it.

I find myself stagnant, physically. It’s a dread to move. To exercise, to play volleyball. I like socializing, but I dread any cardio.

I dread flying to Asia to visit family and factories. I dread the hassle.

Why is that?

I think I’m depressed. And stressed.

I hope to resolve this problem by:
1. Hiring a VA
2. Exercise regularly
3. Take some anti-depressing herbs

I hope I can find my zest again.