Month: July 2023

What makes me unhappy or stressed?

1. Learning about someone more successful than me. It’s ok if they are older, or they took a longer to get there, or they have something I don’t envy them for. But if they are young, and accelerating fast, I feel bad about myself.
2. I think I’d do the same if I were with someone. If I discover someone cuter, smarter, more successful, I might feel bad about being with the person I’m with.
3. There’s that mentality of wanting to have the best, always.
4. I think that’s also why I’m very sad about aging. I want to be in the best years of my life, always.
5. As a kid, playing card games, I always loved it when I had a particular card that was the best card. The card that guarantees winning the round. I felt so happy when I played that card.
6. I also enjoyed being the best at most things. Prettiest, smartest.
7. When Elena had to donate her kidney to her daughter, I felt bad for her. That change in her body – that to me would bring me down a lot and for a long time.
8. Like with hair. It took me a long time to become ok with not having hair. And even though I felt AMAZING when I overcame it, and rode that feeling for years, these days I feel like I have reverted to my less enlightened and inspiring self. I don’t show my bald, I don’t want to. I want to grow my hair. I want to fit in.
9. It’s inspiring when people proudly rock their old age, their flaws, and their abnormalities. But I never wished to be them.
10. I’m always secretly comparing myself to someone. Do I have a prettier face or do they? Do I have a nicer body or do they? And I go through this mental gymnastic of trying to find aspects of myself that are better so I can feel better. For example, seeing photos of me and volleyball fam, I didn’t like how my face was shaped in the photos, and my small eyes. I didn’t like that Nicole looked better than me. I had to tell myself, well, my teeth are better, my tits are bigger, and my shoulders are nicer.
11. When I find out that someone is selling more than me, I’d think to myself, well, his profit is less, they are a couple so they have to split the profit so I’m still making more. And if I can’t find anything that can make me feel less bad, then, I feel inferior, and sometimes resentful.
12. Right now, we are growing. We are seeing our best month on Shopify and on Amazon. A lot of business are not growing, even shrinking. Yet, I feel bad that we are not doubling. Partly because that’s the goal I set for myself, and partly because I know other people are doubling. e.g. Jackson. When I found out about it, I felt sad and stressed.
13. In reality, last year, 2022, Knot Theory’s revenue was $1.5M CAD. First of all, it’s over $1M, so that’s amazing! Second, that means it’s $1.1M USD. And, the past 30 days, we did $171.2K USD, which is $2.054M USD run rate!
14. This means, if I keep this up for the next 12 months, we’ll have done at least $2.2M in sales (cuz Xmas and VDay), and that’s 200% GROWTH!
15. John always likes to remind me too, that I have 6 figure dividends. Last year I got about $150K in dividends. It’s all put back in, for compounding effects, but the fact is, I really don’t have to worry about money ever again in my life. And John is someone who is consistently there for me, at least, by phone and by stock management. (Physically not so much.) So I can rely on him to keep doing what he does. Well he gets paid very well for it.
16. In pretty much every way, I have a SUPER BLESSED LIFE. Seriously. I’m so lucky. And I AM grateful. I feel like I can be more grateful haha.
17. Mom is amazing, and is my rock. She is healthy and happy too. I know it won’t last forever, so I better enjoy this time.
18. My body and health are pretty good. My beauty is still holding. My youthful energy and charisma is still working. Enjoy this time.
19. I have friends that care about me. Cyndi, Nicole, Ty, John. Maybe Brian and Ronnie.
20. Volley ball fam falling apart a bit, but we still like each other.
21. Alex wants me back.
22. My back is healed and I can play spikeball and volleyball again!
23. My action coach Nick is great.
24. My RMT Rob Parry is great.

Prescription to self:

1. I think there’s beauty in helping others and contributing to the world. I will focus more on that.
2. Gratitude is a muscle. Practice it!
3. Finding something likeable about someone is also a muscle! Strength it!
4. Enjoy life! Joy attracts joy.
5. Remember, it’s a form of freedom when you free yourself from jealousy, expectations, comparisons, hate, annoyance, resistance, ego.
6. Remember, there are many versions of me within myself. It’s a matter of strengthening the version that is most compassionate, graceful, wise, joyful, happy.
7. More compassion to self and others
8. Remember that, we are all here for a good time, not a long time. Everyone ages, everyone dies. No one is always pretty. No one is always successful. No one is #1 in every way.

I’d say it’s been a rough time since May 30, when my back had a spasm.

I mean, in the grand scheme of things, I’m very lucky and my woes are top 1% problems, which is even more privileged than the 1st world problems haha

I’d say it took 4.5 weeks to finally be mostly healed. Now at 6 weeks in, I’m about 99% there. Still haven’t gone back to spikeball or volleyball. Maybe next week.

Just as my back was getting better, I got a cold. Pretty sure it was from stress. I was committing to a lot to my Commit Action coach, and fires kept springing up, and sales were dropping on all channels. Was very painful times. I cried on the phone with Nick, my coach.

Now about 10 days into my cold. Last night was coughing so hard I couldn’t sleep, but tonight I’m ok!

Another good thing is that sales are up on Shopify. It seems that hiring the Google ads contractor Daniel is a good idea!

Today is Prime Day, and I sent out launch email for our newest collection, Royal Gardens. We did about $5800 on Amazon, $2236 on Shopify, and $565 on Etsy.

That’s what it feels like to do $3Million a year! If it was like this everyday 🙂

I invited Ty, Wil, Aida, Anna, and Wilson over for dinner last night. I served what Nancy and Mom’s other friends have made.

It was stressful to host a party….haven’t done that in a while. But it went well! It was only so so good time but it was something.

I miss Brian so much.

I know I idealize how great he is, how much he understands me, and how cute he is. I’ve forgotten how he is very cold, non-responsive, and that it took years to finally find him attractive.

But there’s no one else.

I wish there was.

I know that Brian won’t ever message me again. And that makes me sad when I think about it.

I got a few likes on Hinge. 2 of them were cute. One is in an open relationship. The other, well, I think he had some potential but he didn’t say much on his profile. Maybe I should’ve replied to him. He was 6’4 and Christian and didn’t specify his profession though.

What I want is someone from ECF, is decently rich ($1M+ in net worth), is funny and finds me funny, is somewhat cute, has good EQ, reasonably social, adores me, likes touching me, we have great sexual chemistry and conversational chemistry, has a positive outlook on life, is monogamous, and that we bring out great qualities in each other.

Remember, I can manifest!

I must keep trying.

I’m starting to think that I’m happier single though. I’d love to have some sexy flings with passerbys. The idea of being with someone for years is very daunting. I look back on the relationships I’ve had. I don’t like any of them. Flings were fun though.