Month: May 2017

My newest soulmate book has arrived! It’s called “Hot Chocolate for the Mystical Lover” by Arielle Ford.

I got it because I wanted to be inspired by love stories.

I read the first 4 already. One of them was very inspiring. She said, ask for the best love and lover for me, for a happy and fulfilling life.

My soul mate, we’ll have so much fun together. We’ll be the best kind of love for each other. We’ll create a happy and fulfilling life together! 😀

I was at the mall and saw a wedding dress that was a lot like this one I saw online and thought was gorgeous:

I wonder what kind of wedding I’ll have!

Right now I don’t even have enough good girl friends to form a great bridesmaid lineup! Not necessary, but would be nice to have!

Will we have a simple wedding? An eccentric wedding? A small wedding? A big party wedding? A destination wedding?

All I know is that it feels right to ask the Universe for the lover that is the best for me, and that together we have the most happy and fulfilling life <3 <3

Had the wedding entrance song in my head the past two days. Not sure why. I guess subconscious is a powerful thing.

I wasn’t even sure if it was the wedding bells. I had to youtube it to verify just now.

What’s been going on lately?

Well, I socialized a bit. Hung out with Julianna at EXP, went to fish and chips with Lisa, hiked the Chief with Norm, organized my first meetup in 30’s women without kids (a beach walk), and went to Vanthony’s party.

I was out in the sun for a bit. I practiced volleyball 3 times last week, at the park.

My skin has been dry. Not sure if it was from using vasaline those few days. It’s slowly getting better.

I finished 1 week of salt drink first thing in the morning, to replenish my adrenals.

I finally finished the Scratchable World Map. Still have to design the packaging though.

There are many days I didn’t work because I didn’t feel like it, or have too many social plans. But oh well. I’m still getting some stuff done.

Oh and I watched way too much of Trollhunters! Actually I finished all 26 episodes of Season 1. It turned out to be really good! It’s been so entertaining.

I had a bit of a clairvoyant moment. Yesterday I was thinking about death, how I’d like to choose when it is, and go peacefully. And today, I saw a video of someone in Victoria who did exactly that. He had such a good sense of humour, and his going-away party was really great! So much dignity and love.

Mom liked it, and said that’s what she’d want too. A few other people did too. And a few moments ago, surprisingly, so did Jeffrey.

I didn’t think I’d have any interaction with him ever again. My body heated up a few times after that. But I didn’t cry. I’m ok. I think of him still, for sure. Like when I see Bubbles, who has grown so much since Jeffrey gave him to me 2 months ago for my birthday. Or when I was at Vanthony’s birthday dinner and Julia found out we had broken up.

I will not have anything to do with him. I can’t be friends with him. I don’t know how some people do it. Friend someone they want to be with but can’t. I feel like that was what he was trying to do.

Anyway. The more I thought about me and him, the more I feel that we would not work out anyway.

But, looking at the guys who contact me on OKC….sigh. I don’t feel like giving anyone a chance. I just don’t feel that they are “the one”.

Believe, achieve. I hear wedding bells. And it’s almost June! My love is coming 🙂 <3 <3 🙂

 

 

 

 

Dolores Cannon. Oh you stretched my mind.

I decided to look up Michael Newton lately, because his life between lives concepts cheer me up.

But there isn’t much new on his site. I remembered Dolores. I decided to look her up.

She has been pretty active. She wrote 17 books!

I watched some of her youtube videos. Little did I know, she already passed away 3 years ago.

She seems so straight-forward in her videos. I really like that.

In one video, she talked about her book, Convoluted Universe. She actually wrote 5 books for this series.

In it, she talked about background “actors” in our lives who are holograms, and parallel universes. I was blown away.

She says that every time we make a decision, both paths take place. In some sense I know this, because of PBS’s documentary on quantum physics.

Part of me wondered if she got inspired by that specific documentary, but that came out in 2015. She died in 2014.

It’s not like she is oblivious to quantum concepts though. Her method of hypnotherapy is called Quantum Healing Hypnosis Technique.

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I’ve been obsessed with learning more about what she has to say. I bought one of her 17 books, the Convoluted Universe Vol. 1. At first, reading it, it felt like crappy fiction. And the alien parts scare me. But, I think there are still some merits to some of it, if not all.

I enjoy her conference talks the most. She just seems so relaxed, candid, and approachable. By the way she handles people, even her daughter, it doesn’t seem like she sugar coats anything. Her daughter is not nearly as likeable as her. She seems secretive, a bit fake, and not funny.

I don’t know why I’m so obsessed these days. I hardly work. I just keep reading and watching her stuff.

 

 

I went on a long hike with Norm yesterday. The weather was great! The forest / waterfall air smelled amazing! The hike to the Chief (peak 2) was harder than I remembered, when I went with Nicole a couple years ago. But, I felt good after.

Last night, after binge shopping on La Senza website for cute bras and panties, for looking cute and hot and sexy for my soul mate, I was a bit turned on.

I realized that it’s been a while since I maturbated. Days. And for the past few weeks, when I did, I could barely get an orgasm. It felt so unsatisfying.

Last night, I understood why. I masturbated while trying to come up with sexy scenarios. But it was hard. Nothing turns me on anymore. None of those sexy scenes. The only thing that turned me on, was imagining Jeffrey making love to me. How hot hot looked in the mirror, how sexy it was when he came up to me in the bathroom when I was about to brush my teeth, doing it in front of the mirror.

Just before I climaxed, I was visualizing how he looked in the mirror when we had sex. I had a pretty weak climax, and I burst into tears right after.

I thought I was all better, at least for a few days now. I guess I’m still missing him.

Not just that. I seem to only get off on love now. How he loves me turns me on. Matthew and Josh and those guys just don’t compare anymore.

Bubbles grew so much in the past month! I miss him when I see Bubbles. Actually, I miss him all the time.

I want to get over him. I want to find my soul mate.

If Dolores Cannon was right, I’m the 2nd wave of volunteers that came to this Earth to help raise its pure energy. Doesn’t want to have kids, likes to help people but often hangs out at home alone, works from home, doesn’t have past lives.

It feels right. I feel that I don’t want to get involved with Earthly things (which incur karma); I want to help, but feel detached from people. My parent, my friends, my family are all never that close to me.

I wonder what Jeffrey is. I think he’s just a kind soul, a young soul. He probably has unfinished karma ties with his dad, and the wife and kids he is going to have.

I hope our souls are friends. I’m sure they are. I want to go home so bad. But, I believe. My soulmate is on his way to me. Believe, achieve.

I just smudged with sage! The whole place smells like sage now. It’s nice 🙂

Love is here. I’m ready to love you, my soulmate!

I want to love you and be loved by you.

Have so much fun with you.

Grow in positive ways with you.

Laugh with you.

Live with passion with you.

Every day I’m smitten with you, bright-eyed and full of butterflies for you, turned on and amped up by you.

I love that you are in my life. Everything you do, I adore! 🙂

<3 <3

Still cried yesterday and today. Still missing Jeffrey.

I even looked at his Facebook photos. He looked cute. Sigh.

I even looked up Jeff’s work place. Yes, I was there, when I went to Cartem’s Donuts. I walked by the “Seymour Building”, stared at it, wondering if that is the building that Jeff worked at.

Today has been another unproductive day.

I took a nap. After a long stroll at Winners and then Save-on.

I woke up to find that Jeff had called me in WhatsApp. Must’ve called me by mistake. Though, it’s a hard one to make. I checked. It’s not easy to accidentally call someone.

I still would meet him if he messages me though.

I miss him. I miss Jeffrey. They both look way better than all the guys I’m scrolling through on OKC these days.

I have a feeling that I’ll meet someone amazing in June. This June. My soulmate.

I need to clear my clutter, rid the hindering memories, smudge my place.

Tomorrow, I’ll feel better 🙂

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I did some work later today. Late night house cleaning, and getting some rings sorted out.

I thought about Jeffrey, how, we didn’t have a great time when we went to the aquarium. And when we had breakfast at White Spot. It was fine, but it was a bit weird how quiet and solemn he can be. He is not always “present”. I’d like a guy that is present.

I thought about the possible reasons why Jeff might have called. I was wondering how one can accidentally call someone in WhatsApp. It finally dawned on me that it was the Call History screen.

Monday at 8pm sharp. Maybe he was on a date. Put the phone away, and pocket dialled me. I guess he hadn’t called many ppl other than me, so I’m still pocket-dialable.

I had a sliver of hope that he might have called me on purpose. But now I am certain it’s not the case. He would’ve messaged me if that’s the case.

I thought about how, it could be fun to see him, to give him the gifts I still have for him. But really though, no good can come of it. If there’s no attraction, it sucks. If there’s attraction, it won’t work out.

So, I’ll let it go.

What I miss about these two Jeff’s was that they loved me at one point. They liked everything about me. They adored me. I feel that that’s what I’m attached to. I’m not attached to them; not them as people, but being in love.

I’m ready to love and be loved by my soulmate!

Thank you God.

I suddenly realized how emotional I am.

I had my coaching call with Joy yesterday.

I was having a chat with Jeffrey just before the call. At first we were just talking about what we were juicing. Then he said,

Gosh Tanya. I sure miss you.
Sorry I know I should keep it to myself. But it’s true.

I told him that yesterday was the first day I didn’t burst into tears when he messaged me, but I was now tearing up again.

3 minutes before my call, I was balling.

Joy coached me through. I told her that I couldn’t be productive when something effects my mood. I didn’t realize how bad it was.

She says to let it flow through me. Not dwell on it; let it pass through.

She also noticed that my language is victimized. I was “put into a bad mood” or something “made me sad”. I should realize that I own my emotions.

I know that now, but was unproductive for the rest of the day.

After the call, I blocked Jeffrey on Whatsapp, and wrote a goodbye email to him. I told him that I love him. I told him all the things I love about him. I told him that there are so many things here that remind me of him. I cried so much as I wrote this letter.

I said I’m happy to hear from him each time, but very sad at the same time. Because when we talk it reminds me of what we had and what we could be. I said maybe we can be together in another life.

My motivation was all gone for the day.

I cried. I lied on the sofa. I watched Friends. I passed out. I looked at dividend investing. I cried some more.

Gosh, I was so good on Sunday! I was productive, I worked out, I was in a great mood. Then he said he misses me….I felt a surge of sadness well up from my stomach.

Seeing how good Ty is to Cyn yesterday made me miss Jeffrey. Seeing how Jaq was to Diana today made me wish I had a guy I love who loves me back and wants to marry me.

What’s it like to have someone amazing that wants to spend the rest of his life with me?

I want to know. I want to experience that.

 

 

 

 

 

I haven’t been productive. I’ve been tired.

I dunno if it’s because of period, Jeffrey, going to Victoria, stress, bad diet, or lack of exercise. Or eyebrow and lip tattoos.

Period is half way through. Back from Victoria. Improving my diet. Will be exercising and meditating to manage stress.

Jeffrey. Sigh.

I’m well aware that we are not ideal for each other. I know we’ll get bored. I know we have some big differences. But I love how he loves me. And I want to love someone who loves me like that.

So I still cry.

A couple days ago, he messaged me again. We chatted a tiny bit. The next day we chatted a tiny bit more.

I guess I was crying just anyway. But, it feels worse after / during talking to him.

Today, I masturbated, almost just to relieve stress. I tried to think of things that turn me on. Eventually, I got turned on thinking about Jeffrey. I climaxed, and immediately after, I bursted into tears. WTF.

That never happened.

It was close with Jeff, but not quite like this.

Maybe I like Jeffrey more than I realize. He is not perfect, but he is perfect where it counts.

Sigh.

I started watching Friends. That show is still so well written. Chandler is probably the coolest still, but now I see that Ross is so much like Jeffrey. Such a sweet guy. His ex was a lesbian too, most likely, haha.

I’m going on a date tomorrow, but I don’t expect much of it. He does have a really cute dog though! A golden doodle.

My dream house would feature:

1. Lots of sunshine
2. A green house style living. Lots of glass wall and ceiling on one side of the house, lots of indoor plants, flowers, vegetable garden.
3. A mix of light, warm coloured wood floor and white carpet
4. Cedar cabin smell
5. Sauna and jacuzzi/massaging hot tub
6. 3D Trampoline (the kind with a harness) with a view thru glass!
7. Electric fireplace in the bedroom and living room
8. Infinity pool with a view
9. Big waterfall. Can shower there too.
10. Smart – auto light, music, temperatue and humidity, laundry, sensors, etc
11.