How to Stop Feeling Self Conscious

Summary:

Identify what you’re self-conscious about.

Being judged (by Mom) for being too this or that. Too stingy, spend too much; too 3-8, too…whatever. Things that she criticized me for in the past, or, more importantly, things she criticizes people about in general.

-> I’m trying to please Mom. Why? Because if she doesn’t like it she criticizes me to my face and I hate that feeling.

Getting judged / criticized to my face. I don’t like that feeling

-> I’m trying to please everyone. Why? To avoid getting judged / criticized.

My baldness – not so much now. But a little bit of unwillingness to draw attention to it if I don’t have to.

-> I’m trying to please guys. Women love that I’m bald. In part because it’s brave of me and is inspirational. Guys love that too actually. But I feel that some don’t and I want to maximize the number of guys I attract.

My small eyes – I know a lot of guys like my eyes, but big eyes are favoured by lots of people.

-> I’m trying to please guys again. I like it when my eyes look bigger too.

Has feeling self-conscious about my insecurities done me any good? Nope. It just limits me. And I have proved to myself many times that when I’m not self-conscious, people don’t judge. (I might even judge them if they judge!)

Also, what I feel insecure about, it’s mostly based on Mom’s opinions. She is often wrong. Guys have very different taste than her. North Americans have very different taste than her. I attract guys. So, I really shouldn’t let her opinions overshadow mine.

Confident people let these imperfections go. They are not troubled by such things.

Be a good friend to yourself. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t pick yourself apart. (Learn to treat others that way too.)

Acknowledge / “Own it” first. Accept that thing about yourself.

Challenge yourself.

Set goals and milestones. Share progress with friends. Celebrate when a milestone is met.

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Identify what you’re self-conscious about. A certain aspect of your appearance? The twitch in your eye? Your accent? Your disability (mental or physical)? Your intellectual abilities? Make a list of the triggers for you. Leave an empty column next to the list, so that after identifying your triggers, you can write actions you can take to minimize your self-conscious feelings in relation to each item.
Figure out who you’re trying to please, and why. What kind of expectations do you believe are making you so self-conscious?
- Do you feel this way in front of your crush or spouse?
- Is everyone around you picture-perfect, or are you comparing yourself to airbrushed models in magazines? Do you even know that those models areairbrushed?
- Have you convinced yourself that no one else has twitches, flaws, or trips?
- Are you in thrall to someone else’s criticism? In many cases, you might be entangled with toxic personality types, who make it harder for you to feel good about yourself.
- Ask yourself, “Has feeling self-conscious about my insecurities done me any good?”

Part 2 of 5: Reality Checking

Check your reality. Do you have a dream world in which you’re “perfect,” and a reality in which you perceive yourself as only “imperfect”? While fairy tales with pimple-free skin and just the right witty remark on your tongue at the needed moment are fun to watch in the movies, they’re stories and real people aren’t acne- or blemish-free all the time, or word perfect and secure on every occasion.
- Go online and see how many people muck up for real. In fact, the internet has made it much easier for you to find gaffes for every famous and apparently bullet-proof celebrity or leader (wardrobe malfunctions for singers, speechless city leaders, faux pas made by actors, “read my lips” broken promises from politicians, etc.). Pick some of your favorite “perfect” people and do some searching for gaffes! This isn’t about insulting or dragging them into the mud. It’s about realizing that everyone messes up, everyone trips up and everyone has really bad hair days.
Know what makes the difference between confident realities and self-conscious realities. Confident people let go of mistakes, imperfect complexions, funny habits and disabilities. They accept the matter, embrace it, and so embrace themselves, and look for the positive. They do not let external people make an issue of it or turn it into a weakness in order to control you. If you’re self-conscious, it’s highly probable that someone’s comment, dirty look or know-it-all tirade has gotten under your skin, festered and turned into something much bigger than was ever intended (?), haunting you endlessly.
- Confidence is a learned skill. It is not something people innately have; it may be nurtured more readily in some children as they grow and stomped on in other children but it is a skill each of us can learn and relearn at will. And you don’t need to learn it alone––plenty of good courses exist to help you, or perhaps you’re a lucky one that can count on, on a supportive gang or clique.

Part 3 of 5: Managing Your Reactions

Consider whether you’d judge others so harshly. Stop for a second and turn that self-criticism outwards. No one is perfect, and you’ve never noticed their little quirks before, so why would they pay so much attention to yours? If you wouldn’t think or say such things about a best friend, why do you think or say them about yourself? Try to be a good friend to yourself, too. Some ways to be your own best friend include the following:
- Even if you don’t feel it at first, at least act like there’s no need to worry. In time, it’ll also feel that way too.
- Remember, it’s your choice to be happy or sad. It’s not the harsh words from someone that hurt us, it’s the response to those words which does. Your greatest strength lies in between stimuli and the response of it, so try to take control.
- Always picture yourself like you know you look and feel good in front of others, but don’t think about it too much because it will already be embedded.
- Catch yourself putting yourself down or comparing yourself to others. Don’t scold yourself; simply notice it and tell yourself it’s time to stop and find more constructive ways of thinking about yourself instead.
Own yourself. Accept the way you are, your personality, your mistakes, your looks, your humor, and foremost, yourself. If you have a vulgar sense of humor and you like it then who cares about some people who don’t. In other words, “be yourself” genuinely and then try to change if you truly want to. Take responsibility for your actions, mistakes and interests, basically all the good and bad things. For example, if you want to fix your anxiety problem then first of all “own it” and truly accept that you have an anxiety problem, and then try to fix it.
Redirect your attention. When you start to feel self-conscious, locate a target––it doesn’t matter what it is, it may be the bug crawling across the floor––and concentrate on it. What color is it? How many legs? Anything that turns the attention away from yourself will do the trick; distraction will bring you back to the present and your surroundings, taking you away from catastrophizing about you and how others see you.
Challenge yourself. It is an effective way to push yourself. When you feel that doing something will make you feel confident and excited, but can’t do it because of anxiety or self-consciousness, then at the same time, challenge yourself; for example, say to yourself “I dare you to put yourself in an awkward situation and make a fool of yourself” another example would be “Go to that girl/guy and talk to him/her, even if it doesn’t make any sense.” Remember, don’t curse or beat yourself even if you fail the challenge, in fact give yourself a reward for even trying.
Trigger. Use your self conscious thoughts and feelings as a trigger to do something stupid or scary instead of perceiving it as a cue to feel nervous and anxious. We feel self conscious because of the irrational insecurities and these insecurities make us feel jammed and uncomfortable. The trick is when this happens, immediately do something stupid or scary like dancing in front of people, doing push up right there etc. If you feel uncomfortable ask yourself ‘What do I value more? my inner peace or what people would think about me?’. You can also challenge yourself to do something scary.
Make fun of yourself. Yep, that’s right––not in a self-depreciating sort of way, but in a humble and witty way to acknowledge that you’re not perfect and you don’t care. After you drop a jar of peanut butter in front of someone you fancy and watch in horror as it shatters into pieces and splatters peanut butter chunks on the floor, burst out laughing at your inherent clumsiness, cracking a joke that you should be required to wear double-sided tape on your hands––and then apologize and help clean it up.
Just let it be, then let it go. Don’t care about the triggers for self-consciousness too much. If you feel self-consciousness arising within you, tell yourself that it will be okay. Note the feelings as if you’re observing them rather than experiencing them and let them wash over and through you without staying. Be like the famous people, leaders or friends you admire; those people who make a mistake but get up again and keep on going without carrying the burden of others’ expectations or criticisms with them.
- A word about criticism. Learn to discern between the useful, constructive things that caring people say and the hateful, destructive things that uncaring, jealous or simply spiteful people say. Learn from the former and let the latter simply drop; you don’t need haters in your life, so don’t take their meanness on board.

Part 4 of 5: Doing Some Beneficial Inner Work

Build your self confidence. Make an effort to gain a deeper understanding of your self-worth. Replace your worries about what other people think about you with a preoccupation over your own goals, achievements, and progress.
- To this end, write up your goals and milestones. This will help motivate you to work toward them.
- Tell people about your progress towards a goal. This helps to give you the motivation to keep going and it lets the people you care about continue supporting your efforts. Be circumspect––don’t share things with people who can detract from your progress––it someone is not supportive, then don’t put yourself in their way.
- Bear witness to your achievements. Celebrate when good things happen; go out to dinner, call a friend, go for a hike or buy yourself an online album. Recognize the good things with greater regularity than mulling over the misses.
Be truthful. Don’t exaggerate things and don’t depress yourself with lies, stick with the genuine truth. For example, if one day you wear a weird dress and people look you with crazy gazes and you think ‘Man every one hates it’ at the same time ask yourself “am I sure everyone hates it? is there not a single person who likes it?”
Work on changing the inner you. You have to realize that you are part of the whole existence, just like everyone else. This is a fact of life and nobody can take it away from you. It is your birthright. Understand that no one is better or more important than you.
- That said, you do owe it to yourself and others to be your best self. Always work on bringing forth the best in you and share that with others. It helps you, and it helps your community, to be the best you.
4

Accept that you are you, regardless of the external gaze. The feeling of “I am” is always constant. If you try to remember your childhood, and try to think about your “I”, the “I” was always the same irrespective of age or situations. The “I” does not depend on anything. It doesn’t grow big or small, only apparently you feel that it changes or that it depends on anything. So understand deeply that your existence does not depend on anything or anybody. Such thinking itself is a big boost to self-confidence.
- As Judy Garland once said: “Always be the first rate version of yourself, instead of a second rate version of someone else”. Try your best to live up to that.

Part 5 of 5: Doing Some External Work

1

See the pattern of thoughts which come in to your mind while you are sitting idle or working. If the thoughts are about what others are thinking about you, then beware. Don’t allow the mind to harp on these thoughts. The same thoughts repeated create a channel, and then you are forced to go through that channel when the opportunity arises.
2

If you become self-conscious while speaking to people, then immediately listen to what the other person is talking about. Focus on the words, and that will do the trick. Listening is a great ability and one can overcome being self-conscious by being a good listener in conversations.
Disengage from others’ judgmental or unmindful criticism of you. The moment you let someone judge who you are, is the moment you have lost your happiness to someone else. Don’t let other people tell you who you are. This is your life, not theirs. And while it is hard to stand up for what you believe in and to be your whole self, doing so is part of what defines your very best self.
- Surround yourself with people that make you happy. Being around negative people only drags you down. This may sound like a cliché but think about how you feel when you’re around positive people and how you feel when around negative people. It’s two opposite extremes and you know how you’d rather be feeling.

Tips

Whenever you think that someone is “better than you”, pull that self-criticism up and examine it. It is highly likely that you’re overrating an aspect of that person and downgrading something not-so-perfect about him or her.
If you’re a people-pleaser personality type, it can be hard to disengage from pleasing others to find your own voice without feeling a certain amount of self-consciousness. Don’t be hard on yourself as you seek to change this behavior; acknowledge that it will take time and you’ll fall back sometimes but keep working on letting the real you take center stage.
Tell yourself that you are positive, good at what you do and ready to make changes when needed. Repeat often for maximum effect.
Think of the work involved in some sorts of “perfection”. For example, you may think that X is the most beautiful woman you’ve ever met and that you’ll never look so beautiful but in thinking this, you’ve overlooked the fact that X spends four hours a day to look that way while you’d hate that sort of intensity and your friends love you for your natural approach to beauty and life. Don’t put yourself down by comparing yourself to artificial people.
People are as worried about how they come across as you are. The difference for the more confident (and also for the confidence-undermining) is that they don’t dwell on this or let it affect their external relations. They have to do as much internal work as the next person to work through life’s big questions, so don’t think such people have it easy.
For mean-spirited criticism, keep some stock-standard responses in your head for maneuvering out of the situation without letting yourself down or causing the other person pain. That way, you won’t be put on the spot or left gasping for a witticism that won’t come during your shock at their audacity. Think as kindly as you can and say something simple like: “I am surprised you feel the need to say that. It’s not okay with me to be spoken to that way.”; or, “I need you to know that’s not okay with me to be criticized so harshly. I did my best and I do not accept your interpretation.” And so forth…
Read some self-help books; ask your favourite teacher about this subject, do a Google search, go to your local library and eventually to a bookshop if you’re that earnest.

Warnings

Stop looking for the approval of others. If you live your whole life dependent on others for validation, you will never rid yourself of self consciousness.
Sometimes people may try to bully you if they sense you are vulnerable in some way (that’s how a bully operates–-find a weakness and burrow in). In such a case, walk away or simply refuse to engage. Never waste time trying to impress them or defending their projection of their own insecurities and anger onto you.
Don’t always be on the defensive. Be willing to admit when you have done something wrong because it really isn’t the end of the world. Everyone makes mistakes. Go ahead and apologize. Then move on.
You are your worst critic. Stop judging yourself, and the world won’t judge you.