Author: spacebunny@gmail.com

We talk about how acceptance of all shapes and sizes is important. How to not be superficial. How beauty doesn’t last.

Beauty is looking average it seems.
Then the Koreans have it figured out. They all look the same after going under the knife. They’ve figured out the formula for looking good.

Of course the down side is that everyone ends up looking the same.

The truth is, a good looking person gets treated best, in adulthood at least.

Young looking, great smile, golden ratios all over the place – face, body.

I want to love myself as much as possible, but I’m pretty sure if I look like a super model, my life experience would be very different.

I’d be getting free drinks, lots of party invites, lots of dates, lots of youtube fans.

Then again, a lot of really good looking girls got raped as a kid.

And, I’m fortunate enough to be good looking enough to be liked, but not too good looking that I get undermined or bullied or raped etc.

Is being an 8 out of 10 the best possible approach?

Maybe the best is to become better and better looking as you become a better and better person?

Wouldn’t that make the world a better place, haha!

This world is full of oddities.

I do want to look great for as long as possible. It comes with a lot of perks.

I practiced after our games tonight. I was able to serve the overhand 4 times in a row!

It’s a good idea to arrive early and leave late, practice a little, over the net.

Aretha has been so helpful, giving me tips. She is warming up to me more now too.

 

Matt Margetts. I want to write a bit about him, just because I’m slightly infatuated…even though there’s nothing between us that can amount to anything.

He is one of the hosts of the Wild Rumpus. Probably a co-founder.

He liked a Facebook post I made about the Wild Rumpus, before going. I checked out who he was because I don’t have cute guys on my FB. Turned out he was also a former Olympic Skier.

He seemed super cute and I was nervous and looking forward to meeting him.

Arriving at the dock, I saw someone mentioned Matt, and pointed to a guy. I saw the back of a short guy with a fairly unattractive body in a weird outfit – no waist, narrowish shoulders, unspectacular bum, thighs too close to each other. He had curly blonde hair at below the ear length, which looked weird under a red cowboy hat. He was wearing a white wild rumpus top that showed no muscle tone, a pair of red shorts, white socks, and sandals. He turned around, and I saw a huge red gush on his cheek. Yikes. He was nothing like what I expected!

He spoke somewhat self-critically about how he was not remembering people’s names very well. By that he meant he can only remember the first 50 people’s names.

He was still a little bit cute, but he was not at all like how I expected. He sounded bi to me, and slightly unconfident. On the other hand, he seemed way out of my league before but now he didn’t.

Throughout the weekend, I kept observing him. I still got to find him attractive because, a) he is still cute, and b) there’s no one cuter.

He isn’t very funny, is maybe 5’8, has lots of chest hair, not the greatest body. Not to mention he is 29, 8 years younger than me. A partier, skier, drinker, smoker, drug-user, entertainer, who lives in Whistler. We have nothing in common.

But, he was the life of the party, he was nice to everyone, and he had the tanned skin and sun bleached blonde hair I love. I like his voice too.

He didn’t pay much attention to me it seems, almost to the point of deliberately so. At first I thought maybe he heard me telling Cyndi that he looked way hotter on Bumble/Facebook. I should not openly criticize people.

On Canada Day, he came to chat with Erin while we were at the craft table, but completely ignored me. But later that night, when we were at the fire, he called out my name to do the charades. I was surprised that he even remembered my name. But he knew everyone’s name.

On the third day, I was a mermaid. We walked by each other in the mess hall. I looked him in the eye and smiled a bit. He said “Nice costume!”, I said “You too!” He was Robin in Batman and Robin, except it was a girl costume with breast cups and a skirt. Haha.

Up on the mountain, hanging with the guys, a song came on. Everyone started singing, even me! I can’t remember what song it was, but I knew the lyrics to it. He came by and started singing at me ’til the “I love you” part, while making a heart shape with his hands at me….aww…It melted me a little.

Some people were playing frisbee and I joined them. Matt joined us too. He kept making people calling out the name of the person they want to fly the frisbee to. Remembering names is so important for him.

At one point he got Clayton’s daughter, and he guided her to fly a frisbee too. So cute.

I’ve never seen downtime with him. He is super dedicated and has limitless energy level. Then again, I heard he was doing MDMA.

I played slip ‘n slide kickball and had lots of fun! At one point I decided to take my shorts off. He lightly tapped my upper bum. He seemed attracted but avoided being too close.

We were picking kickball teams. When I got picked, I heard Matt say that I was sexy.

He was filming everyone with GoPro, and he did a 360 around me. I should’ve blown him a kiss. For social media!

He came by and bumped him bum to mine for a bit, while I was getting a drink.

He is friendly with every girl, but I can tell that he tries not to show favourtism.

After lunch, we saw some whales! We rushed out, so I left my bottle and star sunglasses on the table. Later, I was telling Neilson my alopecia story. I was at the end of it, then Matt tapped me and got me to follow him. We went to the mess hall and he asked if the bottle and sunglasses were mine. I wondered if he heard my alopecia story at all. I hope so.

Later in the day, we were playing tug of war. Me and Ashley fell on the ground and we laughed. He came over to check if we were ok. He gave Ashley a hug but not me. I wasn’t very jealous, because I felt that he was trying to hide his favourtism towards me.

That night during the dance, he was crazy! I was dancing near the front, and got a circle going. He came out of nowhere and started doing a solo dance. It was the most ridiculous dance I’ve ever seen, but entertaining. He would seem like he was gonna do a back flip, but it was just falling hard onto the ground. He’d lie on his belly and crawl forward on…. his face…I think… His comedic timing was great.

A girl wanted to grind with him in the centre of the circle. He quickly turned it into his solo performance again.

But later, he’d fake-grind with lots of people, guys and girls.

I was a bit jealous. It also made me think that he was a stripper at one point.

He did come to me, but it was so gentle. He came with his back facing me, which was pretty gay. I lightly put my hand on his shoulder, and grinded with him a tiny bit.

Later, he came back to me, facing me. We danced at each other but we were about one or two feet apart. We danced like this for several minutes, without even touching each other. It was a strange moment. I didn’t want to make a move on him like all the other girls. Plus more friends joined in kind of a circle.

I briefly danced with a very drunk but kinda cute videographer. Super young I think.

After that, I went back to my friends. Then suddenly, I felt a heat. I didn’t see that Matt had played a fire stunt! He did it again, bringing a lighter to his mouth, breathed out some alcohol, and created a huge flame. Suddenly, his face caught on fire! I was so worried! Everyone was.

Turned out he was ok. I still felt obligated to go beside him briefly and asked if he was ok, and put my hand on his back. I don’t think he noticed me though.

On the last day, which is today, he mostly ignored me. But when he walked by / pause at the entrance of the mess hall, where I was chatting with Erin and gang and had my hands to my hips, he suddenly put his hands to his hips. That potentially means he was mirroring me, which mean he is fond of me and paying attention to me.

As we were about to take off on the boat, he came by to hug us. It was the first time we hugged. It wasn’t that special though. I noticed something on his face flying in the wind. It was a piece of his skin! I asked if his face was ok (from the fire), he shrugged. Said it didn’t hurt and hope it doesn’t leave a scar. I touched his face, trying to figure out what was going on with that piece of skin. He suddenly stood very still as if letting me have full control. I wanted to peel the skin off, but decided to leave it.

There’s nothing between us, and there never will be, but I was attracted to him for sure, and I think he was attracted to me. That’s all I need from him.

—

He friended me on FB today. I was surprised. Then again, he friended 23 other people too, guys and girls. But of the entire cabin, I was the only person he friended. No Erynn or Krysta. I wonder why. (Krysta now too. Ha. I see. Just the cute girls and some cute guys.)

It was enough to warrant a couple healthy orgasms today haha.

It’s a good distraction from thinking too much about Jeffrey and other dating things. Though I hope it wears off soon…I don’t want to be attached to this….this infatuation.

Still wishing to find my soul mate. Thought we’d meet this June! God, please guide us to each other.

 

 

Just got back from The Wild Rumpus! Such amazing good times  Not your typical summer camp  Went with a cabin full of awesome friends and made new friends!

Highlights:
Each night, 150+ ppl in costume, danced on a huge open grass field under the stars. On the first night, all 15 of us dressed up as a colony of raver bunnies with lit-up bunny ears.

I’ve come to my wiser sense.

There’s no rush in finding a husband.

If I find one now, and we spend the rest of our lives together, that’s upwards of 50 years together!

That seems almost unbearable. Or, unlikely.

Chances are people change, grow, and in different ways.

People are always breaking up and meeting new people, at any age. People find their soul mates at any age.

So, I’ll relax a bit.

I’ll still look, but I won’t feel so stressed and desperate about it.

My goal is to be with someone amazing who makes me happy, and vice versa. We’ll grow together. We’ll learn cool stuff from each other.

We may or may not last forever, but our time spent together would be well spent.

Even with the brief time I spent with Jeffrey, I learned a few things. I got influenced too. I like pineapple prints now, I like having plants, and I am making a vintage map! It’s crazy how much he influenced me.

Lots of people in the soulmate book have met later on in life. They had kids of their own before meeting too.

Having kids is not a deal breaker. And meeting later in life might be a blessing.

Maybe after Jeffrey has had kids, and I have settled down more, we can be together.

I love most about how he loves. He is so loving.

Even if it’s not him, I’d love to find someone who loves me so deeply and sincerely and consistently <33

I felt pretty good today! Weather is sunny and warm. I felt myself in a good mood with good energy, especially later in the day. Was it the food? First day of period? The jasmine green tea we had after Dark Table?

Dark Table was fun. The food was delish. Nicole and I talked a lot, though I wish we would spend some quiet time to enjoy the food and experience eating it blind. Nicole said we can do that at my place too haha.

She is going up North for construction work over the summer! Finally she does it, which is great.

I think I’m gonna go on a short version of Remote Year!

After that, we went to The Oak Wood for some tea and ordered a so so dessert. The jasmine green tea was great though!

This was her bday celebration, so I paid for everything. $19 (Groupon win. Normally $54 with groupon, $78 without) + $18 for drinks + $17 tip + $18 tea and dessert = $74. Not bad for 2 people!

We had a good time. Better than usual.

On my way driving home, Cat called. I was 10 min away, so I visited with her. She was sad because Sean and her might have broken up. I told her it’s a good thing (to clarify things with Sean).

We had a good visit too.

She said sometimes she felt bad for the Cat experiencing her suffering past, such as bullying, because there is no “time” and everything is eternal. I said I’ve only ever felt envious of the Tanya who was getting great sex forever, haha. It’s true.

I then had the idea that maybe we are just water molecules in a waterfall. The waterfall is constant, but the water molecule that experiences it actually moves through the waterfall. So it can very well be just versions of us passing through each experience. I thought that was a pretty clever and poetic analogy 🙂

 

I need to write this down so i can figure out how to go forth in my relationship with Cyn.

We used to be good friends. Though come to think of it, we didn’t do a lot 1 on 1. I’d go to her parties. I’d hang out at her place. We’d go camping as a group.

Come to think of it, after Thailand, we did some 1 on 1 too, like going to Equinox (Dunno who she invited first), V Day Prom (only b/c Ty didn’t want to go).

So my main gripe with our friendship I guess isn’t that we don’t do anything 1 on 1. It’s just that she seems so insincere.

It’s like it’s a waste of time to just hang out with me. If it’s at her place, she’d clean the house at the same time. If it’s somewhere else, it’d include other people, or is in a noisy setting so we can hardly talk. If it’s at my place, she’s on her phone a lot.

With my other friends, we can do fun stuff together, hang out, and talk about personal things.

With Cyn, it’d be like, a side thing, or a chance thing. Like in the car before getting into her place. Or after a party.

I think it’s because she has so many friends, including close friends, that she talks about her personal stuff to, already. And that maybe she just doesn’t want to share those things with me much. Or that, she just doesn’t like to talk about them.

Her idea of fun is probably not hanging out one on one. Like Mom, who dislikes hanging out one on one. Even afraid of it.

Another strange thing is, while she was in NYC, so many friends went to visit her. I never did, because I know she wouldn’t take me to things. She’d expect me to entertain myself. If I were in NYC, and friends visit, I would take them to places, treat them as my guests! She has instead, a slew of friends who are just there to see NYC.

At the same time, I can’t even get a hold of her on the phone. The only once or twice we talked on the phone was when she was walking to a date, with extremely noisy background. In all our friendship, we talked on the phone for hours once, and she seemed to hate it after. I hardly tried to call her after that.

Good friends aren’t supposed to be like that.

She invited me to the Wild Rumpus. Didn’t tell me who else are going. She is actually going with a cabin full of people. 17 people. They have a Facebook event page.

She just told me, you should come! I asked, who all are going? She said, me and a girl I used to work with.

When there’s a space in the cabin, she asked if I had already signed up. I said yes. She told the group that if there’s a space in the cabin, then include me. If not, I’m fine on my own. What? What makes her think I’ll be fine on my own? Singled out?

I can’t even imagine if she’d feel left out if that’s the case, because she always has Ty. But I don’t think any normal person would enjoy this feeling.

My problem is, I don’t know how to make things comfortable, aside from just letting it slide. I did make my point known by posting that I’d much rather be in a cabin with friends. Is this the best I can do?

It doesn’t happen often, but it has happened enough that, I don’t trust her fully.

But if I bring it up, I’m sure our friendship will sour.

Right now, I do this:

1. I only invite her to group things. Never one on one.
2. I attend her things, expecting that it’s going to be a group thing even when she makes it sound like it’s not.

I feel like I also want to:
1. Not talk about personal things with her

But then that means our friendship will just stay that way. Distant.

But then, I think that’s the only way it can be.

I don’t want to spell out my discontent, because I feel that the situation can’t be changed, and bringing it up would just create tension.

What’s it like with all my other friends?

Nicole
I like that she is kind and generous.
She likes hiking and the outdoors.
She is sometimes funny.
We never talk on the phone. We hang out once in a while. She is very limited in the amount of time she has because of work and all the spiritual things she does.

Cat
I like that she is spiritual. We can talk about that together.
Sometimes she says wise things.
She is non-judgemental.
We sometimes talk on the phone. She is usually available to do stuff, but has no money. She is not as fun or smart though.

Norm
I like that we go back a long way, he is smart, we can talk about lots.
He has a gf and never asks me to do stuff together.

Julianna
I like that we are both entrepreneurs, and that she is talented. When we hang out we are more one on one and sincere.

Masha
I like that we are both business minded, bold. She is somewhat fun too. But she is a mom.

Lisa
Kind, reliable.

Emma
Not the kind of friend I can be very close with.

Most of these friends are boring and timid to be honest. I’m not timid…but am I boring? Why are my friends so boring? And broke?

Couple friends: (Don’t usually have time to hang out)

Vanthony – kind and generous friends.
Anna and Wilson – kind and generous friends.
Stan and Lana – kind and can be helpful in biz
Angela and Q – Not sure. Angela can be secretive and unreliable.

I want some new friends.

Friends who are smart, funny, sincere, active, able to get things done, have time and money.

 

Had fun at our Mastermind at Stan and Lana’s roof top patio in Yaletown.

They are making $63k/month now! With 6 or 7 staff and semi-automated product research, purchase, launch, and inventory management.

Angela did about $250K CAD last year (about $15K/month in USD). Jo is doing about $16K/month. Cate is doing 5 sales of green tea a day. She doesn’t know how much she makes.

I’m doing about $52K/month total (Amazon, Etsy, knotheory.com)

I fudged some tax entries a bit, discounting the Etsy income that goes into Bank of America. It’s $37.5K. I hope all is well. Next year I’ll be more careful. I won’t claim Etsy sales.

I want to launch more products and learn how to do ppc ads well! Stan and Lana are launching 25 products by end of this year!

I learned that Angela and Cate have trypophobia too! That’s funny.

I used to very much dislike that they are so lazy. Especially Cate. But, whatever. They are happy-go-lucky, and they have rich boyfriends. They can be fun to have at parties too.

In learning to be less critical of myself, I’m also learning to be less critical of other people. I’m also not writing my journal as much. I think it has to do with, too much self-reflecting can be rumination and self-centric thinking, and can be a source of sadness. Based on what I learned in Learned Optimism.

Living in a sunny, warm, clean, happy place, surrounded by friends.

Live in a place with a view of city, water, and greenery. It’s a central place, but not too noisy. It’s convenient.

My place has about 1000 to 2000 sqft. Full of sunlight coming in from windows and skylights.

The air smells good in the house.

It’s a penthouse. No one lives above me, and I have the roof top. It has solar panels the generates electricity for me, and possibly the whole building.

I have lots of indoor plants. They provide happiness, liveliness, clean air. They look great inside, and sometimes I can eat their leaves and fruits.

I have a nice patio, on the balcony or on the roof top. All my veggies come from there. They are organic, and cheap to maintain.

My floors are a form of cork. They are eco, warm and soft to sit on, and easy to clean up.

My walls have beautiful colourful art and photos. Lots of drawings and photos of cute bunnies and cute animals.

My kitchen is modern. The whole place is modern. Some areas are zen-like, such as the bathroom and bedroom. Some areas are fun, such as the kitchen and living room.

I have a room for yoga, trampoline, and aerobics.

I have a medium sized bedroom with a giant walk-in closet.

The colour theme of the place is white with natural wood and rocks.

The windows are huge! They span floor to ceiling, and is panoramic.

I have a fireplace in the living room.

I have a green house! It’s 100% windows. I grow lots of plants there. I also have a work space set up in there. It’s like working in a beautiful garden.

The windows’ tint can be adjusted, so it doesn’t get too hot.

All the plants are automatically watered.

I have a work space for night time too, that is not in the garden.

There are bright lights in the house that can make night time seems like day time, or rainy and cloudy days seem like sunny happy days.

The house the temperature and humidity regulated. It’s a smart home. I can talk to it. I can use voice to ask it to adjust things, search things and display the results on a screen on the wall. Maybe an epaper screen!

 

 

I’ve been wondering about what truly matters in my life.

This whole thing feels like such an illusion. A delusion.

Is love really important? What is love?

I went through university trying to get good grades. I would prep for an exam in a way that guarantees a certain amount of success, instead of going for full understanding. Because there was no time. Because I was stressed.

I’d memorize formulas instead of truly understanding them. I’d memorize approaches to certain types of problems, instead of truly understanding them. It was one of the many regrets I have about university. I opted to get decent grades over true understanding.

What would it take to get true understanding? Am I smart enough for it?

I was sick at the time. Nerve problems. Another regret.

Let’s say, I spent time to understand those courses…what would’ve been different?

I guess nothing.

Moments of clarity. Worse grades. Maybe feeling better about understanding something. Maybe feeling worse about worse grades.

In the end, I guess nothing was impacted.

I wish I did take school more seriously and I wish I wasn’t sick though. Maybe I would’ve been a better programmer.

But then, that didn’t matter either.

So, what matters now?

I feel a need to make more money. But why?

It’s almost the same need as that need to get good grades.

My biggest fear is to be old and without money and as a result not having a way to live life (or end life) on my terms. For example, if I’m in pain and wanted euthanasia, but can’t afford to set it up. (So, I should set it up now.) Or, if I’m healthy, but have no money to eat good food and live in a nice place.

Life is so strange. We don’t know how long we’d live. We don’t know how healthy we’d be. We don’t know these things about our parents either.

Ideally, Mom and Dad live amazing high quality lives and die a painless death. That’s best case scenario. Worse case, they have diseases that drag on and drain all our funds.

How do other people handle this? I should find out. Maybe life insurance?

Let’s say, the above are sorted out. Now, can I live my life care-free?

My net-worth does not allow me that. I need to keep making money.

When I have a house (condo), $4MM in the bank that generate $120K passive income per year, I am probably ok.

Even no condo and $2MM should be ok. Mom has a house.

I have $1MM save up. Almost.

I’m 37.

I make $300K/year. If I can keep it up for 3 years, I’m ok.

If I can make $1MM/year for 2, 3 more years. I have $4MM

If I can buy a condo somewhere in the mean time, that’s great. That’s maybe $1MM down payment plus $1MM over time.

I’ll be ok. Breathe. I’m ok.

—

Ok, so now that’s somewhat figured out, how hard should I work? Or can I play too?

Let’s say my prime is ’til 50. I have 13 years to make more money. Or maybe it’s 45, then it’s 8 years.

After that, I may or may not make more. New tech. New generation. China. I may not be relevant.

Hence it’s a good idea to work hard and make money now. As much money as I can.

My goal should be, $4MM in bank. $4MM on property investments (2 to 3 condos).

Ok, so I do have to work hard and hustle.

But, if I only make $1MM in the next 13 years….which is $77K/year for 13 years, that’s still very good, and better than most people. If other people can live off that, so can I. Plus, I can live in the tropics such as Thailand.