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I’m finally at that age, where I find MacGuyver really cute. As a kid I can never be attracted to him. He was too old. 30 years older. I just admired his intelligence. But now, watching him in season 3 when he was around 37, 38 (he aged really well), he looked good and acted so cute.

He had such a unique look. And he has a very different demeanor than most people. He is a great actor. The show’s script quality vary. Sometimes it can be so crappy. But the acting was really quite good, considering.

The orthodontist recently put a rubber band in my mouth. I joked about how I didn’t expect them to MacGuyver it. Time is a funny thing. MacGuyver was filed in Vancouver. Norm lives in the Phoenix tower! MacGuyver could’ve easily roamed about where my teeth are done (downtown Vancouver). If time wasn’t linear, we can see all these MacGuyvering acivities occupying the same space. If time wasn’t linear, if we can travel forward and backward through time, we can make love to people have existed before us, and who have existed after us. How wonderful that could be.

Goal status updat

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By June 15, 2015, I’ll have achieved these goals: (Originally written in Jan, 2015)

I love life. I love my friends, family, and fans, and they love me.

1. Knot Theory has 300 site visitors per day, making $8000 revenue per month, $5000 in profit.
2. I have 10 SEOD clients, making $10K per month.
3. ASM is doing really well. My product is a huge hit! I’m selling 50 silicone rings a day and making $1000 revenue per day, which is $600 profit per day, which is $18K per month!
4. Alopecia channel is growing fast. I enjoy helping people.
5. Time and money are in ABUNDANCE! I only need to work 20 hours a week to have everything running smoothly and growing! I have an excellent full time VA. I get to travel around the world with awesome friends, and sometimes with Mom and Dad. Thailand with Cyndi, Cappadocia with someone fun, Xin Jiang with Dad, Peru with Nick, Australia with some cool friends, Disneyland with alopecia friends!
6. Cute guys are sincere and eager to love me because I’m fun, smart, sexy, beautiful, energetic, exuberant, and happy!!
7. Dad, Mom, and I are happy and healthy. Dad has sold his land and is now financially comfortable. I get to provide extra cushion to his life. We travel together and have lots of fun. Mom and I bought a new home – a duplex – because that’s what she wants. She gets to line dance a lot and brag about me to friends. I make sure they stay healthy by getting them the best medicare possible. Both of them are so proud of me.

 

I’m sad. I don’t know why.

I felt so lonely tonight. I have so few friends. So few people want to hang out with me, and vice versa.

I remembered that I can call Mom, so I did. I don’t particularly love talking to Mom. It’s more of a habit. She seems to just want to make sure that I’m ok. She always ask if I have anything that I need to report, if any “situation” has come up. Sometimes I appreciate her being there for me and letting me vent, but sometimes it just seems like it’s more about her worrying and almost expecting something to happen. Then she’ll encourage me to go eat or go work…like she doesn’t really want to talk to me anymore. And really, most of the stuff that she talks about I have no interest in, or, if she is recalling a memory from the past, I had already heard it.

I’m crying now. Uncontrollably. I don’t know why I feel so sad. Like I have felt that way for a long time. I haven’t been really happy in….forever…

I feel like I’ve never been happy my entire life. Never. There’s always a shadow over me. Why? I guess no one is worry free.

How can one feel so lonely when the world is so big?

Why am I crying so much? I’m crying my guts out. Is it because something bad has happened to someone I care about? Is it because something bad is happening right now in the world? Or is it just hormonal?

I remember Victoria saying that she felt awful suddenly one day, and she was sure it was when the guy she loved got married. Well, did Patrick get married? Ha.

I don’t think I’m like her. Patrick and I may not be meant for each other this life time, and that’s ok. He can be married and all that. I don’t think my soul would ache over something like this. My soul is much broader-minded than that. Maybe if he is suffering then my soul would ache, because I want him to be happy.

I just got my period today….2 days early.

Today, I’m grateful of:

Being able to wake up naturally without an alarm on most days

Being able to pay for ASM course and go to the event!

Being able to go to Thailand with Cyndi!

Having friends like Cyndi, Amerson, Carly. And just laughing lots watching TV.

Having friends who appreciate my jokes

Can help my friends – Cyndi with her coverletter, Deeann by promoting her in alopecia group.

Becoming smarter – from drinking 7 glasses of water!

Becoming small-waisted again – from working out everyday the past 6 days!

Developing some great habits – planning out the day, drinking water, exercising, hanging with friends, helping friends, motivating myself with gratitude and good books! I think self knowledge helps! Knowing what I need in order to function well.

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I have no drive today.

2 days ago I went to see The Hobbit with Norm. Found out that Norm had cheated on his ex-girlfriend for no good reason. On the way home some guy asked to borrow $15 for gas. I didn’t want to because I didn’t really trust him, but in the case that he might be honest, I didn’t want him to be stranded. So I lent it to him. It’s money that I can spare, but I was really hoping that he’d be honest. Yesterday, I texted him twice and I didn’t hear back from him. I guess he was lying. I’m so sick of these ugly people of the world.

I dunno if it’s these disappointments in humanity that killed my drive, or the fact that I’m not making money and it makes each day so unfulfilling. I know for sure that if I make thousands of dollars a day, like Matt Clark, plus that everything I touch turns to gold, plus so many people are grateful of my work and me being who I am – I’d wake up to each day with joy and enthusiasm.

I guess I’m working towards that. I wish that day comes soon. It seems to happen so fast for Matt. I really wish I were him.

He had a job for 7 months. Quit. He then started on Amazon, and that started doing well in less than a year I believe. So basically anything he does happens in less than a year or two. Knot Theory has been dragging along for almost 5 years now. I’m so old and so tired. I don’t know how to go on. I wish there’s something or someone to pull me out of this slump – both in how I feel and my financial state.

This year I make myself rich and location independent. Next year I travel!

Next year, here is my travel plan:

1. China with Dad for 1 month

2. Australia and New Zealand for 3 months

3. Peru with Nick for 2, 3 weeks

4. Turkey for 2, 3 weeks

I went to see Hobbit 3 with Norm last night.

I was very upset to learn that he cheated on his last girlfriend. I tried not to be judging, but he did it while the relationship was good, and he did it just because he wanted variation in the bedroom – different body types etc. WTF. I resent that.

I really feel no respect for him. He is boring, but I thought at least he had integrity. But nope. I’m starting to wonder if he is a friend I should even keep. I don’t feel like helping him with his depression now. I think he is just stubborn. Most importantly, he has no compassion towards others if he cheats like that.

I seem to dream everyday now. At least, I seem to remember them now.

Nothing spectacular. The night before, I dreamt of having a fight with mom…I can’t remember what is was about now. Oh yeah, flower petals….she bought some flower petals and I can’t use them to make cards because they were really expensive. They were white, fragrant, and elegant petals. I went and bought a bouquet of colourful flowers and used their petals instead. I don’t like those dreams.

Last night I dreamt about Idriss writing me an email as a reply to an email titled “Counter Attack”. I think he said some friendly things. No matter. I’m just writing the above down in case they come true.

Last night I also dreamt of eating some sugar canes with dad. Dad asked me about my passion. I decided that my passion was not about a specific thing, like, scuba diving or fashion design, but instead, it’s about a certain type of experience. Can’t passion be that? It’s an interesting revelation for me. We always expect passion to be about an item. It could be a feeling, like liberation and freedom, seeing and experiencing new things, or thrill seeking.

I like this last dream the most 🙂

I cry a lot the past…year it seems. My body is probably going through some change. I’d cry when I sing a song, when I watch a touching youtube video, when I read a touching sentence on Facebook, when I watch Disney cartoon, etc etc. Why??? I think it’s hormone imbalance.

White heads. I have been having wheat almost everyday the past 2, 3 months. Small amounts, but almost everyday. It doesn’t seem to give me acne the way it used to, and I almost feel that I’m immune to it now. But these past few days , I notice that my chest acne feels more prominent. I picked at it, and now I have a big red acne between my boobs. Ugh. If only I can get rid of all these tiny bumps on my chest. Tiny whiteheads (even on my nipples), tiny subcutaneous cysts. When I have money, I really want to do something about them…

Yesterday was the first day in a long time that I made sure I drink 7 glasses of water. Today I’m better hydrated already. I can see it in my hands. I felt quite focused and productive yesterday too. I even got stuff gone late at night! I usually don’t have the stamina to do anything after 7pm.

I can’t tell if my puffy eyes are better. I do facial massages / slight exercises everyday, I can’t really tell if it’s working either. In the bathroom I look fine. Then I go outside and see myself in the elevator mirror or have an IMAX picture taken and I look old.

Started Neocell’s Blueberry Hyaluronic drink around January 1st, 2015. I think it helps a little bit with my joints. They feel more lubricated. We’ll see if it helps with skin too.

There’s something wrong with the way I handle Knot Theory. I spend too much time on it. It’s time that I decide what is necessary and what is extra.

The past 2 months I have had to come to Vancouver 3 times. Granted once was for diving and twice was for my teeth, but still, I seem to spend way too much time on KT and none of that is making money.

1. I came here to get the embroidery machine.

2. I came here to get the fabric and to sew the knot

– fabric – didn’t have any in Vic. Elena has it.

– knots – no need to worry about it no more. Alice will sew some and when that is sold out, it’s done. I still have about 50 cufflinks though. Can make more knots.

– ties – tried to accommodate customers – ok for now since I still have the materials

– will list knot packs and the KT necktie with the knots

What tasks are making money / saving me time?