Jeffrey liked my “6 shades of Tanya” photo on FB at 1am today.
Strange, right?
This alone made me think about him way too much.
Why did he do it? Why at that time? Why that photo?
Part of me tries to think as little of it as possible. After all, I already decided that we will never happen and we won’t make a good couple anyway.
Part of me am thinking that he is missing me late at night, and wondered just how in love he is with his current gf. Or maybe he isn’t as loyal as I thought he is. Or maybe it’s an innocent like. Or maybe he is complex and just wants to make me feel better. Or maybe I am special, and he still wants me.
I really don’t know. But one thing is for sure. I won’t be visiting his FB page ever again.
Sigh. When can I find someone who loves me the way he does?
I miss his innocent face. I miss his sense of humour. I miss how outgoing he was on my birthday. I miss his kindness. I miss his generosity. I miss how he loved me.
But I know that at the time I wasn’t sure if he was the one. He liked old stuff, he talked about more literal things than abstract things, he wasn’t as smart as most of the guys I’ve been with. Oh and, when we were together, we rarely just talked and laugh so much…there was something silent and boring about our time together…I wasn’t sure why. Oh and when I saw his most recent photo, he didn’t look very good. He has gained some weight.
It’s easy to romanticise what we had and who he was, because it’s gone and he is gone. At the same time, I should not discount what we had and who he was, because we did have a good time and we did love each other. I want to remember us as having a beautiful, sincere relationship.
It’s that fine balance…of giving enough weight to both sides of the coin. That makes it harder to heal.
Still today I cried after I masturbated. It’s because I thought of him just before I climaxed. I didn’t intend to, but I can’t help it.
Memories of him are fading away though, and eventually I’ll feel nothing at all. Right now, my stomach still aches when I think about him. It’s a deep level of hurt.
I know that if I’m in love right now, it wouldn’t hurt. I wouldn’t still be so emotionally connected to him. I imagined that’s what he had, but it’s strange that he still looks at my photos and likes them.
I’m grateful though. I’m grateful that him and I had some good times together. I’m grateful that he helped me have an amazing birthday. I’m grateful that he showed me that someone can love the way he does…and even if no one loves me the way he loved me, at least I briefly experienced his love.
I’m grateful that, Bubbles did help me find a good friend, Erynn! Thanks Bubbles!
Thinking about how much he’s influenced me. I got a pineapple bikini. I designed a vintage map. I bought some basil plants and took care of the goji berry leaves Mom gave me. I posted about fish just today (hairy-frog fish…so cute).