This is a special year. I can feel it. 2015, the year I make it to the mountain top!
The growth that I have experienced over time as allowed me to come to this point. More and more I’m loving who I am and who I’m becoming.
More and more I know how to get what I want and what I need. Or, rather, more and more I know what I want and what I need.
This year, my direction is clearer than ever. I want to be free:
- Free to live anywhere – location independence
- Free to do anything – time and money abundance
- Free to be – overcoming limiting beliefs
With ASM, SEO, and KT, I’m getting closer to the first tow. I have fairly concrete goals. I want to focus and sell products on Amazon. I want to get 20 SEO clients, and use it to fund ASM. I’ll focus on the bridal sector for KT, getting into 10 bridal boutiques.
I wanted to learn a few things this year too. I decided I wanted to learn to sing. But I didn’t realize until NYE that it’s not about getting good at singing, it’s about being able to do something I suck at in public! THAT is my true goal. To be less self-conscious. Then I realized, this is what livingly freely is all about. It was that same liberating process when I told the world about my alopecia. Then I realized, this is what life is about.
All the burden we place upon ourselves. I can see it in my actions. I can hear it in my voice. I can feel it, when I’m around Mom. Now that I know this, my goal is to remove my mental blockers one by one, until I am as free as a wild little kid!
Mom is great. She has done everything to her best. Especially nowadays. She is so supportive, and taking such great care of me. But there are cultural burdens placed upon her. She is so judging. So appearance focused. And she voices her opinions loudly. I know exactly where my self-consciousness – the feeling of everyone judging me – came from.
On NYE, I told Mom my new year’s resolution is to overcome my fear of singing in public. I told her how she messed me up. I think she was a bit hurt by it.
I was also trying to think up something for us to do on NYE. She didn’t want to do anything. She didn’t want to go out nor celebrate. She said I could feel free to go to Ainsley’s brother’s party.
But I’m not her. I’m old enough now, and mature enough, to make wiser decisions. I tried to look up things for us to do to make the NYE memorable. It was hard because she didn’t like any of those things. I turned to Cyndi for help. She suggested a bunch of things that wouldn’t work. Then, she said, you should go to a karaoke bar! It was a brilliant idea!
It was hard for me to do. I rarely dictate what Mom and I do. Through all the years, each time I came home, I never suggested that we do anything. She’d go out to dance and I’d work on Knot Theory. The only thing we do together is her cooking for me and me eating.
So not only did I have to overcome this barrier, I have to book us a Karaoke bar to get over my fear of singing. But excitement took over fear and I did it! We had fun! I’m so proud of myself. Mom did well too.
We arrived at Lotteria’s at 11:05pm. James the Korean owner put some cloth mic condoms on two mics and gave them to us. He led us to a small room, painted red and equipped with strobe lights. He showed us the giant Korean remote control, and found us some English songs. Even as we sat in the karaoke room, Mom criticized the person singing in the next room. There’s just so much judgement, always. But that’s ok. She is already a million times more awesome and less judging than many Asian parents.
I was hoping that they would have Rhianna’s “Stay”. I love that song in part because Patrick sang it on the very last night we were together. I also listened and practiced singing it a hundred times while driving, because that was the only song on Mom’s CDs that I liked. But they didn’t have that song.
Mom taught me to sing “Stand by your man” instead. It was a nice song, but the lyrics are a bit outdated. It was fun though. Mom would guide me so I know how to sing it. She is really loud though. I can’t really hear myself most of the time.
We also sang Basketcase by Green Day, My heart will go on by Celine Dion, It’s my life by Bon Jovi, and some songs that neither of us can sing, like It’s gonna be a good night by the Black Eyed Peas.
In the beginning Mom will point out I missed the tune. She got better later on and would tell me that I was pretty good.
Suddenly we realized it was midnight so we did a countdown and hugged.
We also filmed each other with her iPad. It was pretty funny to watch. I had fun singing. If I knew the songs better it would’ve been even better. Mom said she had an ok time. C’mon. Sure beats sitting at home doing nothing but watching Taiwanese political talk shows!
Then we came home and had onion wine. I’m really proud of myself today. I love this action-oriented me! I love that I took initiative! I love that I overcame my long time fear! I love that I’m making Mom more accepting too! 🙂