I don’t know what’s wrong with me, the past several days.
Well, yesterday was more ok. I was fairly productive, and I only cried when I watched Malificent.
But today was hell. I woke up naturally at 8, but didn’t feel like working out. I was slow and unproductive. Watched a bunch of youtube videos. Felt just sad in general. I think I dreamt about something sad but trivial, like, a water leak in my bag.
Cyndi texted me to say she wants to take me on a mini adventure next week. That made me extra sad. Two weeks after my birthday? Seriously? I wasn’t as mad at her before that offer.
I tried to not be sad about it, because that seemed unreasonable. But I balled my eyes out. I hated feeling like I’m at the bottom of all priorities. I thought about how to respond to that, but in no way did it feel right. Just like with Summer. I just felt so so sad. And so tired as a result. So I took a nap in Vanthony’s bedroom. They have a very comfortable memory foam bed.
What is pissing me off here? Well, that I’m not a priority in her life by any means. The gesture is nice, but it’s two weeks after my birthday, bitch. I know what else she is doing – dating, and dating.
What makes it worse is that I don’t feel right voicing the fact that I was hurt. If I do, it’ll only damage our friendship even more. We already had all these “talks” after our trip from Thailand. I was already hurt. It’ll seem like I’m just so frigging sensitive and fragile and I’m always hurt.
If I knew what’s going on that takes up her time, then maybe I won’t feel as bad. For example, if they are important things instead of dating. If she were to let me know that she has lots going on but she’ll make it up to me later, then that’s better. But it was just so thoughtless.
It’s tough to be me….I tried to have no expectations of people. I make no demands. You’d think that I won’t get hurt that way…but surprisingly people can still hurt me. They’d invite me to shitty things, or things that are an after thought.
I don’t know how to feel happy. I don’t know how to avoid getting hurt. I don’t know how to have friends.
I don’t know how to make money either. I’ll do my best though.