Sam and I had another talk again today.
Sigh. I hate how some things are right now.
I hate it when he talks about how we are not meant to be together. How we are not compatible for the long term. I don’t like thinking about it or hearing about it.
He is so unavailable to me. He is in love with his ex, who is way worse than me in terms of emotional stability, yet his reason for thinking that we aren’t compatible is that I get upset at him a little bit.
I’m so frustrated.
All I want is to have fun dating him. To be good to each other. To be affectionate. To laugh lots.
I think, I want to be loved. I want to be appreciated, accepted, admired.
Maybe he does need to remind me that I need to keep a distance. Because he is not that person for me.
It’s confusing because the other day he said he loved me. He asked to stare into each other’s eyes. Said he would make it up to me in terms of being affectionate. Said that he’ll find out what my favourite ice cream was. Spent time with me looking at the stars without caring what others think. Talked about going on trips together. Told me he was scared to fall in love with me and me falling in love with him.
I know that he is extremely difficult to be with. He is ever-changing. Selfish. Sometimes distant. Sometimes lost in his own world.
I also know that he has a small penis that most likely can’t satisfy me. He sucks in bed, surprisingly.
What I want is for him to fall in love with me. To accept my flaws and be a true lover who admires me, adores me, appreciates me.
Ah, how great that would be!
To want to be with each other despite the difficulties.
How I wish that he actually loves me and wants to be with me and that we are actually compatible. How I wish that he would try. How I wish that he would overcome his fears to pursue us.
I remember that day at the beach, when he wanted to try. Despite me being mad at him. Where did that guy go?
Inside him, there’s a guy who loves me, who wants to try to make it work.
How I wish that things will get better day after day, week after week.
I don’t need us to be together. I just want him to show me his love without holding back. I want a honeymoon! No drama.