Yesterday Mom and I watched the Holiday. It was pretty cute, with a happy ending.
Today we watched The Talented Mr. Ripley. It was dark….
Alex didn’t message me today, on Xmas day. I was so disappointed, while trying so hard not to be.
This line from the movie completely resonated with me:
Marge Sherwood : The thing with Dickie… it’s like the sun shines on you, and it’s glorious. And then he forgets you and it’s very, very cold.
Tom Ripley : So I’m learning.
Marge Sherwood : When you have his attention, you feel like you’re the only person in the world, that’s why everybody loves him so much.
Wow, that’s how I feel about Alex!
Maybe that’s why he is so magnetic!
He cast a spell on me, giving me undivided attention when he was with me….and now, for one week I didn’t hear from him. That’s cold.
I’m a little bit scared of him now. How he might hurt me.
I will do my best to stay calm, cool-hearted.
Sigh.
I wish love was simple!
I went for a walk today, trying to walk off all the food Mom forced on me. I walked towards the marina this time, and it was beautiful.
I listened to the love meditation. In the past it had helped me find more love for John. I listened to it in the hopes that, I will one day find the love that I want and need.
It’s not Alex. I know now.
I mean, I’ve always known….but…I was so in love with him.
That’s the thing with me…I love sex so much. I love pillow talks so much. I love physical touch so much. I love attention. I love any sign of care….
It takes…not a lot…for me to be moved, attracted, and falling for someone.
Yes, Alex is very special and very attractive…but, he did hurt me many times already.
John doesn’t hurt me the same way but he gives me sadness. His lifelessness drains me.
I don’t want the 色勞紋 kind of fate anymore. I want to be someone who attracts love. The good kind of love. I want have have an amazing love life!
I want to be in love with someone who has all the great qualities AND wants to be with me.
Is it my hair that make it hard for guys to want to be with me?
I sure hope not.
But to be honest I’m sick of having alopecia now. I want my hair to grow out…I want to be feminine.
But, not a deal breaker if it didn’t work out that way….
I just want someone to love me the way I want to be loved, and love him the way he wants to be loved.