I just realized that I want to get married. For the first time, I’m imagining what my wedding might be like.
I want to be bald at my wedding. I want it to be a real wedding….not a flimsy one. We’d both be successful, so even if it’s $50K it’s not breaking the bank.
I want to have vows. I want us to say and feel that we’ve found our soul mates. I want my friends and maybe family to be there.
I want to go on an exciting honeymoon. I want to make amazing love to this guy. I want to be one with this guy.
I want to experience this amazing, incredible love.
Mom will be there. She will be so happy. Dad…well, I’ll bring the guy to him.
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I just realized this as I thought about what to say to Matthew. I thought about the possibility that we can be together in the future, as boyfriend and girlfriend. Then I realized that it’ll never work unless he wants to get married. If he doesn’t want to get married, that means, in his heart, he doesn’t believe that the relationship will last.
The interesting thing about him is that he evolves. He’s changed quite a bit in the past 7 years. He’s become much more dateable and loveable. Less vain. Less superficial. Because he evolves, I feel that I can expect him to turn into someone I want to marry, and that he’ll never bore me. After all, he is pretty close to being that.
Still, I won’t count on it.
I’ll date a few hundred people instead, and find someone. I’ll go to Tony Robbin’s event, and meet more people.
I can’t help but feel sad as I let the idea of losing him (again) sink in. I’ve cried a couple times now.
I think I will want to let him know what I look for in a boyfriend/husband, so that subconsciously, perhaps, he can work towards it. Doesn’t hurt to implant that in his brain haha.
Him: [Possibly asking when we can meet]
Me: I’ll be busy.
We had lots of fun. Amazing sex and conversations and laughed so much. But, last week when you said No…I realized that we were never able to meet once every two weeks.
So, this is goodbye.
I’m discovering myself a bit more too. I love good experiences and good memories so much that I have been avoiding dating….because there are ups and downs in a relationship.
But I think I’ve grown up a bit…I want to build a deeper connection with someone. He would see me as super amazing, one of a kind and irreplaceable, and be my #1 fan. And I would see him the same way.
Tanyabot wants to understand what love is.