First volleyball tournament

JL invited me to Tim’s Timbopalooza. I was surprised that he invited me. I’m still not a great player. I was overjoyed though!

He actually asked me in front of Mary. Mary is a much more advanced player than me. Then he asked Mary. Mary said she already got 2 invites.

Elan unfortunately was also going. I really don’t like him. He is so self-centred and not funny. I was especially annoyed by him after he asked to switch spots (so that he can spike).

I try to be amicable with him, but he is just so annoying.

Him and Mary won second place today. Mary really improved. This is in part because JL gave me and her a lot of chance to hit. Opposite of Elan.

I wish JL and I did better. The wind was not fun. It got better later on though.

We won 1 game and lost 2.

The funnest though, was when 5 girls played against 5 guys. We lost 19 to 21, but it was a pretty solid game up. I got to hit at least twice!

I’m improving. I’m not yet consistent, but I’m getting there.

Talked a bit with Mary. Her voice is really quiet, and she is very quiet. She came from a family of 7 siblings! She is 2nd. She works in health care…admin stuff. She’s been snowboarding since she was 12.

These people do a lot of exercise before and outside of volleyball. I can see why they are improving much faster than I am. It’s ok. I’ll get there 🙂

JL was hilarious. As we started the game, he pulled off his normal shorts, and showed his much shorter shorts.

He’d make them shorter during the game too. His ass is hairy. I wasn’t attracted, but at one point when I served, I hit his ass instead. I was obviously distracted.

He is pretty sweet of a person. We carpooled today. I was a bit excited to get to know him better. He is so young, 23. 14 years younger. But he looks older, and he is mature (Unlike Elan).

At 10pm he messaged me to see if I went out partying with these people. I didn’t. I think he was hoping for a ride. But part of me feels that he is attracted to me. It’s interesting. I’d never go there though. He is too young, he has a gf, and, even though he has stunning blue eyes, he has strange moles on him, and a hairy ass. I thought about if Matthew let his moles grow, and that they are raised…would I still be attracted?

Man, I got sunburnt on the face today…I better avoid that in the future.

There was one cute guy at the tournament today. Justin. Him and Gigi ended up winning too. He had a nice body, he looked older, and he had amazing blue eyes. He had red hair and freckles, but still very cute.

But…his voice is not very good…and his sense of humour not very good. We talked a bit about Shuswap. For some reason JL kept looking at me as I tried to flirt with Justin just by being friendly.

I wanted to get to know Justin more…because he was cute. He was wearing a hat, and I wondered if I’d be attracted to him if he was bald.

Turned out he has lots of hair.

And has a gf.

Sigh. I need to focus on my biz right now anyway.

 

 

The meaning of life

Been a while since I wrote. At times I felt the urge to write, but then I’d do something more mindless instead.

I don’t know what is becoming of me.

Recently I had several mind-blown moments.

  1. Simulation Theory – we live in a simulation
  2. Reincarnation Theory – we live again and again
  3. Hallucination – We live in a hallucination. Our brain “hallucinates” our reality. Signals go into the brain, brain predicts what is logically going to happen. Our physiology creates consciousness. More intelligence (AI) might not do it.

All of these cause me to wonder what is the point of anything?

There’s no point in thinking real hard about this…

I want love. I want wealth. I want health.

All these things are so transient. None of which is permanent.

We seek these things. Then we die.

 

 

 

On All 4’s, Houseboating, Jeffrey

Was packing for houseboating this weekend, and made this post:

I went to play volleyball. Had a great time with the On All 4’s group. They are so nice and so funny.

At around 11pm, I suddenly missed Jeffrey. I went to check FB, and he had just liked my post.

Though, I do miss him quite often, here and there.

I don’t dare to look at his profile since we last spoke, but today I did. He has been hiking, kayaking and he wrote a super funny post about how he hurt his nose. It’s so like him to be silly and clumsy, and then have a great sense of humour about it all. He wrote it like a film script. It was perfect. I didn’t know he can write. I think he is smarter then he lets on.

Sigh. I miss him. I want to message him that I still miss him. But I shouldn’t, and I won’t.

Josh Bailar, the entrepreneur I briefly met, also liked the post. An alopecia friend Carol said that I look great and made the bald look very powerful. He said he seconds what she says.

He’s been such a chicken about expressing his intentions since I met him. At the meetup he avoided partnering up with me it seems. Though he did come up to say hi as I left. Then he asked me to a meetup, but it was very last minute. Then when he said no to my invite to houseboating, he said to let him know if I’m ever in Gastown. How lame is that?

Oh well. He doesn’t seem overly interesting anyway. Hasn’t made any real funny statement.

I’ve been talking to Joel. He does somewhat turn me on, even though I don’t want to date him. We are friends, which I’m glad. He is not as funny as Jeffrey though.

Jeffrey is funny, and I think if we spend more time together, he’d become even more playful and funny. It has been uncultivated I think.  He is a ball of sunshine, and I love that. He is so special.

 

Still seeking soulmate

Went on a second date with Joel. I’ve never met anyone with so many similar interests as me! Yet, I know we won’t work out. I let him know that after spending all day with him in Deep Cove. We went on a short hike, then just lied on the grass for hours.

Why can’t it work between us? Because his sense of humour doesn’t quite match mine, and, while I got used to how he looks a bit more the second time, I still found his looks a bit “unlikeable” as Mom put it.

In some ways he is really cute…arranging our “adventure” for the day, giving me three options! He was patient. I was an hour late! He speaks Mandarin, and has lived in Taiwan for 2.5 years. He vagabonded. He started business. He likes to cook. He is smart. He likes sci-fi. He is a devoted partner. He is snipped (no kids). He really should be perfect for me.

But I miss Jeffrey so much. He is a ray of sunshine. That, Joel is not. Joel doesn’t have that sunshine quality. That bright smile. That goofy, fun, playful soul.

Today has been a day of missing. I missed Joel. I missed Jeffrey. I missed Jeff. I missed Matthew.

I recently met a guy named Josh. An blonde, long-haired entrepreneur. Not bad looking. Also has a moustache like Joel does though.

Some people say that when you start to meet people close to your soulmate, that means your soulmate is coming soon.

Josh, together with Joel, and Jeffrey, and Jeff….and Matthew….they are all very different yet have major likeness to what I want in my soul mate.

Is my soulmate near? I hope so 🙂

I’ve been horny all day. Orgasms are good again!

Beach Day in Victoria

Ah, the weather is so nice these days. Warm but not too hot. Sunny all the time.

I went to the beach today. The water is blue! The sand silky and warm. There was beautiful piano music playing by a guy named Nathan. He came by to give me a free copy of his CD after. I then went to the grassy field and practiced some volleyball. It’s been a glorious day.

I think about this virtual world we live in. I think about the intention there might be and might not be. I think about how lucky I am. I think about being with Jeffrey…if he comes back to me I sure would welcome him, but there’s no scenario where he should give up on having kids.

 

New Desires

A few things happened lately.

  1. I want to get lean muscles and abs again! I’m gonna get a personal trainer. Goals:
    1. Get lean muscles and flat belly with abs
    2. Have more symmetry (volleyball isn’t so symmetric)
    3. Have more stamina
    4. Get a workout program that I can do while travelling
    5. Learn HIIT
    6. Have more power (to jump higher, hit the ball harder)
    7. Rehab my knee
    8. Learn to lift weights
  2. Uncle Ian and Aunt Jeanie are still nice to me. I’ll buy them health measure program in Taiwan this year. And for Dad and Mom too.
  3. I’m going to play volleyball 3 times a week so I can get good. I’ll find ways to do this haha
  4. Approved for Wifi Tribe! I’m going work on being even more location independent, so I’m ready by Jan 2018
  5. I suddenly felt really good this morning, as if my soul mate visited me. I decided to masturbate, and had an amaaazing orgasm. Somehow I imagined lying in bed with Matthew after sex and flirting/talking to him, making him fall in love with me. He is just not the type though. I can’t wait to meet my real true soul mate 🙂

Good – state change

Going to Wild Rumpus was such a great shift of perspective.

I was so deep into my life, ruminating over certain things. Going away – getting all sorts of stimulation, meeting new people, playing in the sun, dancing under the stars, trying new sports – was a great relief.

Not to mention I got to bond more with Erynn and Krysta and their friends!

I am missing Matt M. and wishing that we can hookup even though that’s not gonna happen. I know that he’s been friending other people, but I guess that’s a given. I should feel happy that he friended me, knowing that he thinks I’m hot. I’m way older than all the other girls he friended, but, still got it! Haha

Erynn is joining me for volleyball! So happy about that.

And Krysta invited me to that boathouse party during August long. Sweet!

 

Appearance

We talk about how acceptance of all shapes and sizes is important. How to not be superficial. How beauty doesn’t last.

Beauty is looking average it seems.
Then the Koreans have it figured out. They all look the same after going under the knife. They’ve figured out the formula for looking good.

Of course the down side is that everyone ends up looking the same.

The truth is, a good looking person gets treated best, in adulthood at least.

Young looking, great smile, golden ratios all over the place – face, body.

I want to love myself as much as possible, but I’m pretty sure if I look like a super model, my life experience would be very different.

I’d be getting free drinks, lots of party invites, lots of dates, lots of youtube fans.

Then again, a lot of really good looking girls got raped as a kid.

And, I’m fortunate enough to be good looking enough to be liked, but not too good looking that I get undermined or bullied or raped etc.

Is being an 8 out of 10 the best possible approach?

Maybe the best is to become better and better looking as you become a better and better person?

Wouldn’t that make the world a better place, haha!

This world is full of oddities.

I do want to look great for as long as possible. It comes with a lot of perks.

Improving at volleyball

I practiced after our games tonight. I was able to serve the overhand 4 times in a row!

It’s a good idea to arrive early and leave late, practice a little, over the net.

Aretha has been so helpful, giving me tips. She is warming up to me more now too.

 

Matt at the Wild Rumpus

Matt Margetts. I want to write a bit about him, just because I’m slightly infatuated…even though there’s nothing between us that can amount to anything.

He is one of the hosts of the Wild Rumpus. Probably a co-founder.

He liked a Facebook post I made about the Wild Rumpus, before going. I checked out who he was because I don’t have cute guys on my FB. Turned out he was also a former Olympic Skier.

He seemed super cute and I was nervous and looking forward to meeting him.

Arriving at the dock, I saw someone mentioned Matt, and pointed to a guy. I saw the back of a short guy with a fairly unattractive body in a weird outfit – no waist, narrowish shoulders, unspectacular bum, thighs too close to each other. He had curly blonde hair at below the ear length, which looked weird under a red cowboy hat. He was wearing a white wild rumpus top that showed no muscle tone, a pair of red shorts, white socks, and sandals. He turned around, and I saw a huge red gush on his cheek. Yikes. He was nothing like what I expected!

He spoke somewhat self-critically about how he was not remembering people’s names very well. By that he meant he can only remember the first 50 people’s names.

He was still a little bit cute, but he was not at all like how I expected. He sounded bi to me, and slightly unconfident. On the other hand, he seemed way out of my league before but now he didn’t.

Throughout the weekend, I kept observing him. I still got to find him attractive because, a) he is still cute, and b) there’s no one cuter.

He isn’t very funny, is maybe 5’8, has lots of chest hair, not the greatest body. Not to mention he is 29, 8 years younger than me. A partier, skier, drinker, smoker, drug-user, entertainer, who lives in Whistler. We have nothing in common.

But, he was the life of the party, he was nice to everyone, and he had the tanned skin and sun bleached blonde hair I love. I like his voice too.

He didn’t pay much attention to me it seems, almost to the point of deliberately so. At first I thought maybe he heard me telling Cyndi that he looked way hotter on Bumble/Facebook. I should not openly criticize people.

On Canada Day, he came to chat with Erin while we were at the craft table, but completely ignored me. But later that night, when we were at the fire, he called out my name to do the charades. I was surprised that he even remembered my name. But he knew everyone’s name.

On the third day, I was a mermaid. We walked by each other in the mess hall. I looked him in the eye and smiled a bit. He said “Nice costume!”, I said “You too!” He was Robin in Batman and Robin, except it was a girl costume with breast cups and a skirt. Haha.

Up on the mountain, hanging with the guys, a song came on. Everyone started singing, even me! I can’t remember what song it was, but I knew the lyrics to it. He came by and started singing at me ’til the “I love you” part, while making a heart shape with his hands at me….aww…It melted me a little.

Some people were playing frisbee and I joined them. Matt joined us too. He kept making people calling out the name of the person they want to fly the frisbee to. Remembering names is so important for him.

At one point he got Clayton’s daughter, and he guided her to fly a frisbee too. So cute.

I’ve never seen downtime with him. He is super dedicated and has limitless energy level. Then again, I heard he was doing MDMA.

I played slip ‘n slide kickball and had lots of fun! At one point I decided to take my shorts off. He lightly tapped my upper bum. He seemed attracted but avoided being too close.

We were picking kickball teams. When I got picked, I heard Matt say that I was sexy.

He was filming everyone with GoPro, and he did a 360 around me. I should’ve blown him a kiss. For social media!

He came by and bumped him bum to mine for a bit, while I was getting a drink.

He is friendly with every girl, but I can tell that he tries not to show favourtism.

After lunch, we saw some whales! We rushed out, so I left my bottle and star sunglasses on the table. Later, I was telling Neilson my alopecia story. I was at the end of it, then Matt tapped me and got me to follow him. We went to the mess hall and he asked if the bottle and sunglasses were mine. I wondered if he heard my alopecia story at all. I hope so.

Later in the day, we were playing tug of war. Me and Ashley fell on the ground and we laughed. He came over to check if we were ok. He gave Ashley a hug but not me. I wasn’t very jealous, because I felt that he was trying to hide his favourtism towards me.

That night during the dance, he was crazy! I was dancing near the front, and got a circle going. He came out of nowhere and started doing a solo dance. It was the most ridiculous dance I’ve ever seen, but entertaining. He would seem like he was gonna do a back flip, but it was just falling hard onto the ground. He’d lie on his belly and crawl forward on…. his face…I think… His comedic timing was great.

A girl wanted to grind with him in the centre of the circle. He quickly turned it into his solo performance again.

But later, he’d fake-grind with lots of people, guys and girls.

I was a bit jealous. It also made me think that he was a stripper at one point.

He did come to me, but it was so gentle. He came with his back facing me, which was pretty gay. I lightly put my hand on his shoulder, and grinded with him a tiny bit.

Later, he came back to me, facing me. We danced at each other but we were about one or two feet apart. We danced like this for several minutes, without even touching each other. It was a strange moment. I didn’t want to make a move on him like all the other girls. Plus more friends joined in kind of a circle.

I briefly danced with a very drunk but kinda cute videographer. Super young I think.

After that, I went back to my friends. Then suddenly, I felt a heat. I didn’t see that Matt had played a fire stunt! He did it again, bringing a lighter to his mouth, breathed out some alcohol, and created a huge flame. Suddenly, his face caught on fire! I was so worried! Everyone was.

Turned out he was ok. I still felt obligated to go beside him briefly and asked if he was ok, and put my hand on his back. I don’t think he noticed me though.

On the last day, which is today, he mostly ignored me. But when he walked by / pause at the entrance of the mess hall, where I was chatting with Erin and gang and had my hands to my hips, he suddenly put his hands to his hips. That potentially means he was mirroring me, which mean he is fond of me and paying attention to me.

As we were about to take off on the boat, he came by to hug us. It was the first time we hugged. It wasn’t that special though. I noticed something on his face flying in the wind. It was a piece of his skin! I asked if his face was ok (from the fire), he shrugged. Said it didn’t hurt and hope it doesn’t leave a scar. I touched his face, trying to figure out what was going on with that piece of skin. He suddenly stood very still as if letting me have full control. I wanted to peel the skin off, but decided to leave it.

There’s nothing between us, and there never will be, but I was attracted to him for sure, and I think he was attracted to me. That’s all I need from him.

He friended me on FB today. I was surprised. Then again, he friended 23 other people too, guys and girls. But of the entire cabin, I was the only person he friended. No Erynn or Krysta. I wonder why. (Krysta now too. Ha. I see. Just the cute girls and some cute guys.)

It was enough to warrant a couple healthy orgasms today haha.

It’s a good distraction from thinking too much about Jeffrey and other dating things. Though I hope it wears off soon…I don’t want to be attached to this….this infatuation.

Still wishing to find my soul mate. Thought we’d meet this June! God, please guide us to each other.