Month: August 2015

So Patrick became a stripper in Las Vegas. Just like that.

I messaged to wish him well in LA and said that I loved seeing him. He messaged to let me know that he changed his plans and moved to LV. He got offered a job.

“Fitness?” “Yea, something like that” Then I remembered getting an instagram alert saying that he owns the profile Aussie Hunks Vegas. I got it.

He said it’s fun.

I was quite saddened by it. I tried to understand why.

Channing Tatum did it. Look at him now. He is a good husband too.

Part of me wishes that Patrick will eventually become boyfriend, even husband material. That’s when he proposes to me, haha. But I seriously doubt that.

If I were an extremely good-looking guy, I’d enjoy stripping too I think. So much attention from the ladies. He is a show-off of his body anyway. I knew that the day I met him. Plus I bet he’ll be making good money.

I think I’m saddened by the fact that he said he was passionate about being a trainer, helping people, and the next second he took a job as a stripper.

I’m also saddened by the fact that his experiences are so wildly different than mine. I’m alone, aging, on OKCupid and not getting any cute guy’s attention. He is in his prime, and he’ll be so used to women screaming at him. He’ll associate his body with money. Worse yet, he’ll have so much sex and he’ll associate money with sex.

Honestly, I feel that he was already gone.

Sigh.

It’s only been 3 days. He is gone.

—

OKCupid – so depressing on Day 1.

Absolutely no cute guy contacted me. I found 2 or 3 cuties, but was hesitant to make the first move.

One guy is cute and makes over $1MM a year. He was 29yo, has travelled around the world, and now lives in the West End. That made me feel inadequate all of a sudden. I’m 35, pretending to be 30, haven’t travelled as much, and don’t make over $1MM a year.

I’m gonna work towards making $3MM a year though.

 

 

I was still feeling the Patrick withdraw yesterday, so it was good that Norm asked if I wanted to go to the Richmond night market with him. I was hoping to hang out with either him or Cat. He is much more fun to hang out with than Cat, because he is more intelligent and responsive. Cat has some different perspectives sometimes, but she is like a black hole for conversation most of the time.

I felt quite comfortable with Norm. Being together for 10 years does make a difference I think. It’s very natural to hang out with him. I can tell him anything. He doesn’t mind a brain dump from me. He trained me to do it even. He’s always loved hearing everything I had to say.

Richmond night market was fine. Super busy. Food really wasn’t that great. The ice cream was too sweet. Most foods were over priced. I did find stinky tofu. It wasn’t good either. Small and not stinky. A Taiwanese 手抓餅 place was great.

It was nice to get it out of me. To talk about Patrick. I think that’s all I needed.

I don’t expect much from Patrick. I just expect him to be sincere with me. To show up when he says he will. To be present when he is with me. To see me, and really want to see me, when we are near each other. So really, just the expectation of a good friend.

I think he does care about me. He doesn’t know how to love someone or care about someone. But given what he can do, he is doing it with me.

His lack of ability to be affectionate I think hurts me. But then again, most guys are clueless. Especially since he is still young. He is only 25.

I hope that I see him develop more and more maturity. I hope that he becomes more affectionate with me as time goes on. I hope we aren’t as awkward with each other next time.

I hope that there are next times. Many of them. But at the same time, I know now that I need a base of friends with benefits. (Like Mom suggested, haha) It’s a good way to keep sexually active, without having to worry about boyfriend stuff.

I can’t have Patrick all to myself. He is unobtainable by anyone, I’m quite sure. He has to be free. I would not be able to be happy if he was my boyfriend.

Me, I’m somewhat the same, but I’m more stable. If the guy is true to me, is good to me, and is good for me, I can stay with him. I don’t think this guy exists. Unfathomable. But if he does, we can be together for a long time, until one of the 3 above is no longer true.

So far all the guys I’ve met are inconsiderate, untrue, self-obsessed, or they bring on bad luck to themselves and those around them.

If I find a guy that makes my life fun, inspires me, and improves me as a person, then I can be with them for a long time. Someone who is about giving. Someone who is my #1 fan.

And everything I expect, I’d do the same in return.

While it’s probably unlikely I’ll find such a person, and even if I do I’d feel tied down… I’m willing now – to look. If only to accumulate some sincere fb’s such as I am to Patrick.