I was still feeling the Patrick withdraw yesterday, so it was good that Norm asked if I wanted to go to the Richmond night market with him. I was hoping to hang out with either him or Cat. He is much more fun to hang out with than Cat, because he is more intelligent and responsive. Cat has some different perspectives sometimes, but she is like a black hole for conversation most of the time.
I felt quite comfortable with Norm. Being together for 10 years does make a difference I think. It’s very natural to hang out with him. I can tell him anything. He doesn’t mind a brain dump from me. He trained me to do it even. He’s always loved hearing everything I had to say.
Richmond night market was fine. Super busy. Food really wasn’t that great. The ice cream was too sweet. Most foods were over priced. I did find stinky tofu. It wasn’t good either. Small and not stinky. A Taiwanese 手抓餅 place was great.
It was nice to get it out of me. To talk about Patrick. I think that’s all I needed.
I don’t expect much from Patrick. I just expect him to be sincere with me. To show up when he says he will. To be present when he is with me. To see me, and really want to see me, when we are near each other. So really, just the expectation of a good friend.
I think he does care about me. He doesn’t know how to love someone or care about someone. But given what he can do, he is doing it with me.
His lack of ability to be affectionate I think hurts me. But then again, most guys are clueless. Especially since he is still young. He is only 25.
I hope that I see him develop more and more maturity. I hope that he becomes more affectionate with me as time goes on. I hope we aren’t as awkward with each other next time.
I hope that there are next times. Many of them. But at the same time, I know now that I need a base of friends with benefits. (Like Mom suggested, haha) It’s a good way to keep sexually active, without having to worry about boyfriend stuff.
I can’t have Patrick all to myself. He is unobtainable by anyone, I’m quite sure. He has to be free. I would not be able to be happy if he was my boyfriend.
Me, I’m somewhat the same, but I’m more stable. If the guy is true to me, is good to me, and is good for me, I can stay with him. I don’t think this guy exists. Unfathomable. But if he does, we can be together for a long time, until one of the 3 above is no longer true.
So far all the guys I’ve met are inconsiderate, untrue, self-obsessed, or they bring on bad luck to themselves and those around them.
If I find a guy that makes my life fun, inspires me, and improves me as a person, then I can be with them for a long time. Someone who is about giving. Someone who is my #1 fan.
And everything I expect, I’d do the same in return.
While it’s probably unlikely I’ll find such a person, and even if I do I’d feel tied down… I’m willing now – to look. If only to accumulate some sincere fb’s such as I am to Patrick.