Month: August 2016

Been practicing volleyball for the past 3 days. On my own on the lawn. I’m learning a few things. I don’t thoroughly enjoy this. Not as much as I would enjoy surfing in an artificial wave machine. But I want to become good at this. I envy the fact that Matthew can cultivate new skills. I want to try this identity method: I am a volleyball player. There 🙂

Hawkins Trip is this weekend! I’m half looking forward to it. But there are many people that I don’t know, and I have so much work piled up I doesn’t feel safe to leave for a whole weekend. But will have to try my best to work hard these 2 days and get as much done as possible.

Went to borrow some camping gear from Norm. Towards the end, I started to realize that he really needs help making new friends and being more positive. I don’t want to do it, but I think I need to. I wish he has friends. Then again, I can hardly make good friends.

Maybe him, Masha, Masha’s friends/husband and I should go to a Tony Robins event!

 

Period started yesterday. Exactly 28 days since last one. Despited feeling so stressed, and not sticking to paleo that much, at least my period is regular.

I was so incredibly horny yesterday (and still am today). It’s the kind of horny I’ve never experienced. I was on the verge of tears.

I messaged Matthew to let him know how horny I was. I guess I sorta wanted to know if he would be willing to swing by. He asked me what I have been up to, replied to my activities, and slipped in that he has a birthday party after climbing. So I guess not. His schedule is full. I let him know after that that I’m having my period.

I did workout today, and practice some volleyball. Now I’m sore.

Last night, I was so frustrated, I cried….I just wanted to be held. I can’t tell if I was horny or missing Matthew or stressed or something else entirely.

The strange thing was that as I cried, my “mind” or my higher self, or Matthew’s higher self, kept telling me that Matthew really does love me but he doesn’t know it yet. And that he is the one and one day he will know, and we’d love each other and be together. Right now we both have stuff to learn first.

Was it my subconscious desire that caused me to “hear” these things? Or was this for real?

I like him a lot, but I find it hard to believe that he would be capable of love one day. Then again, this voice I hear – has been right every time. To the point that I was afraid to hear it. Sometimes it gives me bad news, and I didn’t want bad news.

Like a while ago it told me that Matthew would disappoint me, but then we’ll be ok. I did almost end it with him because he didn’t message me for a month. But then he said some things that caused me to take him back.

Still. Matthew as he is right now, is not someone I can be with. I need to look further. Man….I need to manage my time so I can date.

Mean while, I seem to lie down a lot, and I cuddle with the multi-coloured unicorn towel that Matthew uses.

 

Paypal $28.9K

Bank of America $3K

Matthew messaged me today, asking if I have been using his soap. Aw…he misses me 🙂

We last chatted on Tuesday, and now it’s Friday.

At one point, he messaged me a Pusheen unicorn for no apparent reason, so I said, “Have a question…”

He said, “yes?”

I asked, “Is Matthew short for Matthewnicorn?”

He thought it was so funny. Haha.

I had wanted to ask him that question a long time ago, just waiting for the right time. I’m so happy that he thought it was hilarious too. He thought I was gonna ask him some serious question, haha. I’m sure he likes me even more now.

This just made my day 😀 I miss him!

I want a boyfriend. I’m craving a boyfriend.

A good one. One that loves me, makes me a happier and better person, empowers me, makes me love myself more. One that looks super cute. One that make me smile, laugh, enjoy life to the fullest.

I’ll love him, empower him, make him feel amazing, make him laugh, smile, make him proud, make his life better.

I can’t wait to find the love of my life! 🙂

<3 <3

On the way to Victoria, after finally sending a ring parcel to Amazon UK.

I feel that I got to play this past two weekends, like a normal person. I went to Masha and Brodie’s birthdays last weekend, met new people, and this weekend I had lunch with Emil and Elena, went to Tish’s birthday, Lisa’s BBQ, and played volleyball at Kits beach! Ran into Brodie and his friends, and we went to Samurai sushi after! It was a social and fun weekend!

The only thing is, I feel so behind. It feels like each day I play means 1 day of lack of progress. I play then I need time to recover before I have energy to work.

I guess I’ll just need to learn to balance my life.

Been keeping in touch with Matthew. He shared something on my wall again, an article about how scientists look to animals like rabbit to understand the female orgasm.

I suppose it makes sense that he wants to share that….both relate to me…to us. But did he think for a second that maybe I’d like to keep that more private? I wouldn’t share the same on his wall.

It makes me think that he is trying to steer other guys clear, subconsciously or consciously.

I think about us a lot. What’s our future like? Right now I think neither of us is ready to date each other. But I dream that maybe one day we can.

Right now, he is a cheater and is not even thinking about committing. Also, even though the shower gel he brought me was very nice, it makes me sad that it is a brand that he and his gf created. Sure, it’s only alive because his mentor/partner Howard is now in on it, but, it still says a lot about this relationship, possibly. A person I want to start my brand with has to be special. Yet, he is not respecting her at all, by being with me and blatantly posting flirty messages on my FB wall. He is quite an awful boyfriend really. A pretty good fuck buddy, but bad boyfriend. Then again, I really have no idea what their dynamics are.

He is a good bf in that, he is developing this business with her. It’s basically like having a kid together. And if he is polite with me, he probably is polite with her.

Patrick was sorta like this. He probably thinks he is a nice guy. The way he worded, Would you like me to book you a hotel. Holy shit. Such a bad gesture yet worded in a polite way.

Gotta watch out for people that talk the sweet talk but does the nasty.

Positive:

Seeing Matthew today, car being serviced and got a ride, masturbated and had an amazing relaxing nap under the sun.

Plan:

1. Send Ken the barcodes
2. Clean house
3. Take garbage out
4. Drop off T2 documents (2012, 13, 14)
5. Award 99Design contest winner
6. Decide on dice name
7. Upload ring images to Amazon
8. Add women’s solid rings to Etsy
9. Hire translator
10. Design dice logo