1 week before my period, so it could be pre-period depression (which has gotten worse with age, but has improved last month)….I’ve been feeling somewhat sad and stressed lately.
Stressed because of new hires, Paulina and Kateryna. But they have both been great in their own ways, especially Kat.
Stressed because of having to film myself for the Knot Theory origin story and FAQ. I tried setting it up on Saturday and just felt so old – hard to look good, had a hard time arranging the background and setting up the lighting, realized that I needed a mic, etc.
Today, Sunday, I spent a long time setting up the camera again, but it’s cloudy today and I just didn’t look as good. I think I might need to pre-type my script and practice too.
Sad because, well, no love, no sex, and aging.
There’s no one to love. Brian is abrasive and sensitive…and not making any effort to date me…and wants kids…so he is not an option. Also based on his nose, his dick likely small. And based on his INTJness, he probably doesn’t even like touch and probably isn’t passionate in bed. Oh and he is a bit of a critical downer who doesn’t compliment me ever.
Alex is so easy to talk to, so great in bed, so fun and caring in bed. So sweet and encouraging. Great communicator. But he ghosted me when we were amazing. I just know it’s gonna be a struggle to be with him, having to compromise and handle his ADHD, avoidant attachment style, possible moodiness, vengefulness, and flakiness. Yes the sex was great, but….not worth the emotional roller coaster. I barely remember him now, but I still cry after masturbating….I know we had some great times and I miss that.
I’m going to spend $8.5K USD to join the Hampton, so I can make friends, scale biz, and possibly find a boyfriend. But the truth is, I don’t even know if I want a boyfriend.
I love living on my own. I love not having to compromise. I love the freedom!
But I miss the physical touch, making out and making love, and having someone caring about me. Laughing together, having great conversations, teaching each other new things.
I also feel that I’m so abrasive and irritable sometimes, that I don’t deserve love. I might traumatize more people.
So, why do I want a boyfriend? What I actually want is probably something like, a summer fling….something I aimed for a long time ago.
Aging. I feel like I have to try so hard to keep young. Sometimes I can pull it off, sometimes I can’t. And overall it’s just a losing battle as time goes on. And, why am I doing this when I probably don’t want a boyfriend?
I guess I still want to feel desirable. Being youthful and beautiful is not just about attracting the opposite sex. People love young and beautiful people in general. And good energy too.
I can go and get some face lift done. Take the risk and not worry about aging for a while. Participate in the youth worshiping culture and hope to get laid.
Or I can let it go….not let aging bother me, not let the lack of lovers bother me….
Which way will allow me to enjoy life more?
I think getting a face lift and not let the lack of lovers bother me sounds like the best way haha
I can’t change the society overnight. I’m not the person to lead pro-aging. I want to look my best.
I can focus more on my energy, my vibration, my outlook, my attitude, my vitality. And growth mindset.
I don’t like the idea that I may never have sex again. At 43. So soon?? Last one was a year ago, at 42, with Brandon. And it wasn’t even that good. Although kissing him was super fun.
I’ve been quite good at going to bed before/near midnight, and getting up before 7am the past month! I’ve been using Habit Tracker app, and it’s helpful. I also finish dinner before 8pm on most nights! And ACV/lime/cayenne/pepper drink every morning. But I’m not leaner. But my hair is fuller!