Today is Day 3 of “since Angelo pissed me off and hurt me”
I cried on Day 1 and Day 2.
I woke up this morning feeling better, and thought, ah, finally, the wise part of my brain has sorted it out, and now think about this whole event in a more healthy, balanced way. My brain does that. I amazes me.
But, surprisingly, 30 or 40 minutes into my day, the hurt feelings came back.
A part of my brain still feels undermine, mistreated.
I start writing scripts in my head again.
Day 1 I was leaving voice journal and crying
Day 2 I was writing it down, and leaving voice journal and crying, and telling Mom about it. Mom said to let it sit for a bit. Let myself calm down a bit. I agreed.
Day 3, today, I woke up thinking, it’s not that terrible what he did. But then, the negative side of my brain creeped. I just wrote this message to him below. I think it’s fair. It’s much kinder and less cynical than the first 7 drafts, lol.
I’ll probably send it tonight….or next week.
I feel that if I wait long enough, he might write something. Ok, I
I’ve been feeling quite sad. Not because you wanted to walk with Mas that day. You have your reasons and I’m sure I’ll understand it when you explain.
I reflected on why I felt so hurt. It dawned on me that, since we’ve been friends, you’ve actually never initiated hanging out with me. Not once.
Our one-on-one conversations mostly came from when I give you a ride (and now you say no to that too). Chatting while parked in your driveways is not exactly a quality friend time. Distracting environment, my car perpetually in the way of another car or passerby. And it often ended abruptly with you hurriedly jumping out of the car. I can’t tell if you enjoyed chatting with me or were just staying in the car long enough to be polite.
I think about how, in the beginning of us being friends, I was so excited about you. I invited you over for dinner (something I almost never do…I barely know how to cook!) and wanted to donate plasma together. Thinking back, you never reciprocated. I didn’t expected you to do something exactly the same…just a gesture to assure me that you also valued me. I think that must be why I was so aware of / sensitive about your invitation style… “I had invited him to hang with me, twice, very thought-out invites! Why are his invitations more like ‘I’m gonna be there, you can be there too if you want’?”
I understand now too why it felt personal when you kept nudging Pranav and Catherine to come to the movie. Because you never reciprocated my one-on-one invites, my first thought was that you were actively avoiding it.
I want to think it’s not intentional…because I’m pretty sure we both have lots of fun together, with and without a group. Then again, if you have been actively avoiding hanging out with me one-on-one, I can’t fault you for that. You have your preferences, who you choose to value and be close to.
On a more positive side, I do appreciate that you shared with me your internal world – how hard it is for you to socialize, how there’s anxiety, and how you feel obliged to say yes to every invite. And I truly think it’s awesome that you are making a conscious effort to concur certain programming, and improve your social life.
I can feel and see your effort. You reply more promptly than before, initiate convos on whatsapp more, and suggested what movie we can watch next.
That’s why I was hesitant to send this message, and I mulled on this for days. I don’t want you to think that I’m criticizing you.
You have your preferences, who you choose to value and be close to. I can’t fault you for that.
I’m not surprised that lots of people want to socialize with you! You are kind, smart, and engaging/engaged.
I don’t know if I get as exhausted from socializing…maybe…but I know I filter hard. My time is valuable, and I only want to spend time with people I really like.
I’m also very afraid of getting hit on. (Reza was not the only one.) If people from meetups ask me out / ask to hang out, I tell them I’ll see them at the meetups.
When you say yes to people, are they people you want to hang out with? If not, you can tell them you’ll see them at the meetups 😀
A recurring calendar event to get together – that’s interesting. Sure, let’s try it! Every other Saturday works!
I have been putting myself on more of a schedule lately. For a long time, no schedule at all…and it was a freedom flex. Now it’s more of a weakness. I’m trying to have a sleep schedule, a morning routine, focus blocks, so I can be more productive and energetic.