Whoa! I just had my mind blown, meeting with Katherine for tea!
Met her at the Nerdy Ladies meetup, and she was the coolest person there. She is an entrepreneur, and her biz is a non-profit charity.
The blew my mind about her today was learning about Polyamorous relationship.
She is all about evaluating all options, figure out the best, then proceed.
I need to be more like that.
She figured (through code she says) that in the hire a secretary problem, decide on a length of time you want to search, and, the first 37% of the time, the best you find is the best you can get. After that, if you find someone just as good, you can choose that person to be your secretary. It’s not final, but it’s likely your best option.
“You can apply that to dating as well!” she said.
Haha. What a funny concept!
This is in fact similar to how I hire my VAs.
I give myself 1 month because that’s how long the subscription is.
After about 2 weeks, most of the applicants have applied. I choose the best and start interviewing.
I choose the best, test drive for up to 3 months, and then decide. If it doesn’t work out, start the process again.
She dated 14 guys in 2 years, each for up to 3 months!
When she chose Joey, she knows that he is her best option.
And because they are poly, they each have their “secondary” people.
She says you have to be confident and emotionally strong to be in a poly relationship.
There are different models of poly relationships. One is anarchy, another is primary/secondary. She is in the latter. They are each other’s primary (they are married), and currently she has no secondary, and he has just broke off with his secondary, and is searching for another one.
The key is, they are both free to look. She needs some alone time, so she feels fine that he is off hanging out with his secondary.
I really like the concept.
I thought about this recently. And this got me to think about it some more.
Pros:
- Why should we expect everything from one person? We have very individualistic facets and needs
- How do you keep a relationship fresh? Everything is bound to get stale. But if we are open to grow / date other people, maybe we can stick together longer
- There’s the risk of losing someone and vice versa. But then, that is the case for a monogamous relationship too. There *might* be a higher risk in a poly relationship, but you will also have backup secondaries in this case.
- This model may keep the relationship more on its toes. You need to be your best to be sure that you are a Primary.
- One develops more independence. Basically you are always on the market, searching like a single. Or if you are not searching, you have to handle being on your own, and being left to your own at any time. More freedom comes with a price.
- Setting initial expectation to be poly, then maybe it’s not as bad when your half “cheats”. Since it’s perceived as “ok” to begin with.
Cons:
- Without a Primary myself, I wouldn’t want to be someone’s Secondary
- What if my half has no trouble finding Secondaries and I do?
- What if my half becomes too infatuated with / distracted by his Secondary?
- Does it make one feel ok / natural to be in a relationship (a secondary one) that you give less than 100%?
- Does it make one feel less loved when you don’t get 100% of love from your half? Certainly there will be times where there is a conflict of interest and/or priority.
As of right now, I don’t get as many options. Either I’m more picky, or I just don’t get as many to choose from since I’m older.
I think I need to learn how to date first. Some people keep finding dates. I need to be more like that.
I’m going to the Freedom Fast Lane event. I think that will help me get exposure to more like-minded people.
I can’t even find 1 person to date, let alone multiple!
For now, I just need to keep in mind of the idea of poly.
But one thing is for sure, the idea of:
- Searching continuously – for opportunities, for better things, for options – in every aspect of life. This way you always have options available, and have a good idea of what is bad/average/good/great/amazing.
Basically, think like looking for a VA, not like my default self of settling in a 10 year relationship, feeling like I have no other options!
Yes, there are very few Matthews in the world. Or even Brad. Or even Josh. Or even Patrick. But there are lots of people in the world.
I thought I’d never find anyone hotter, and then I did (Josh after Patrick). I thought I’d never find an entrepreneur that I was attracted to again (Brad after Matthew). No one is THAT unique.
I think believing that people are super unique is one of my limiting beliefs. Then again, aren’t people unique?
I haven’t been able to group many type of people together.
Maybe I just need to know more people.
Tony Robbins is able to find patterns in people.
The key is to be in different environments, exposed to many people that I would potentially like.
FFL2, Tony’s Business Mastery course, etc.
And of course there’s OKCupid and other dating sites.
And of course I can also expand my social circles by going to meetups, working on my alopecia channel, etc.