Oh Alex and I have not been doing well. I asked for a sign if I should be with him and got this….I wonder if this means he is not the one…sigh.
It’s only been <3 months! Why on Earth is it so difficult?
It all started with his roommate. What a fuckhead. He is ruining us.
Basically he woke Alex up between 3~5 am 3 times this past week. Alex was a zombie. I learned today that he didn’t just do that becaus he was tired. He needed time to himself. Sigh. He has that all week! But he was too tired after work each day of the week.
But if it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. Imagine how bad it’d be if I moved in.
Sometimes I feel that he is more trouble than he’s worth. I’ve been sad so much this past week or two.
He is special to me because he was all 5 languages of love. And he had a good temper. And sex was good. But even all these are changing lately because he is tired and stressed. And he seems to get tired and stressed easily.
My feelings for him come in waves. Sometimes I love him, sometimes I feel nothing. Sometimes I think of him as a loser. I seldom admire him. That’s probably not a good sign. I’m not very proud of him. I try my hardest, but I did not fully convince myself. I guess I’m proud of him for always listening to me and taking action on them. Except for the roommate situation.
Also, Ireally want a guy who is more stable financially, and growing his career in a good way. Man, who knew that these things would be so important!
Ideally I want a guy who is better at business than me, so I can learn from him!
Man, if a guy is older instead of younger than me, it’s lamer that he needs to learn from me!
I was so hurt that Alex didn’t have it in him to see me this weekend. Worse yet, he didn’t message me cute things in the morning like he did the past 3 weeks.
Today, we talked on the phone and almost got into a fight. On Saturday, he agreed to let me help him look for a roommate. Today, he said he just agreed to think about it. WTF. When I told him the good news of all the potential renters I found, and how Cyndi has been helping me, he got stressed.
Does he ever get stressed easily. It’s like my anger.
Times like this I feel that he is such a loser. And I can’t stand that he can’t fix his situation. And I can’t stand that he won’t let me fix his situation either.
I’m ready to end this. It’s not gonna be easy, because, well, I thought he was the one.
But he is not.
I can’t change the fact that he is a loser. A self-justified loser. But then I guess that’s what losers do. Always finding excuses for why they had to change course. They are just running away from problems.
Please, God, I don’t want this relationship to end before I go to South Africa. I want it to be peaceful, amicable. In South Africa, if I find someone good, or not, I will end it when I get back. It’ll be better that way.
It’s partially in my control. I won’t pressure him to find a new roommate. I won’t even talk about these things.
We’ll be celebrating our anniversary next weekend. Please, please let it be fun.