It was a miserable first week, somewhat.
My heart was still in South Africa with Sam. I did not feel in love with Alex.
But it’s been 1 week. I think Alex and I are getting better.
In the first couple days, I kept watching the video of Sam and I trying to fit into my suitcase. His laugh and my laugh – I loved them. I wanted to be with him, forever. I’ve never felt this way about anyone.
He wrote me. I waited 2 days before writing back. I said I hadn’t laughed and I missed him a lot.
He waited even more days to write me back. 3 or 4 days. He said, “I want to go back Tanya, I want to climb into suitcases and roll down stairs chasing shoes!”
He didn’t say he misses me, but I guess that’s one way of saying it. Like last time, I was at first very touched by what he wrote, then, when I thought about it more logically, I saw the ambiguity and wasn’t sure if he meant it the way I interpreted it.
Meanwhile, I was trying to lead a life with Alex. I was disappointed in him for not taking action the whole time I was in South Africa. I thought of him as pathetic as he has had no financial foundation at his age; no savings, low current income, and no promising future income. Worse yet, he is hardly trying. I paid for half of February’s rent, so he can have peace and quiet to get work done, and he smoked and smoked weed instead.
He has his weird twitch which I wasn’t aware of before. Not sure what that is, but it worries me.
Most importantly, he doesn’t really make me laugh. He is boring in contrast to Sam.
And also very importantly, he doesn’t have a sex drive anymore. Sex is rare and didn’t come naturally.
He gets stressed out easily. He gets tired easily. Every food gives him gas or stomach ache.
Business wise, he shot down every idea I gave him. He didn’t seem smart enough to understand that I was giving him inspirations and concepts and metaphors; I wasn’t giving him exact solutions.
In terms of our connection, it is lacking too. We are not on the same page in any way.
But yesterday was better. In the morning, we had sex for the second time. He ate me out. I felt that he wasn’t as into it as in the past, but he tried. He even put on a mechanic apron to seduce me.
We made smoothies together. I worked on the couch and he researched for his articles. He didn’t write them….he promised to do them today…so we’ll see.
We cooked a chicken veggies rice dinner together. It was pretty yum.
We walked around the neighbourhood to buy some ice cream and fruits. It was nice. He looked cute. He had these light-coloured jeans that are low crotched, which remind me of Sam’s jeans. But Alex is more like a model and looks great in these clothes. He even had an Arc’Teryx jacket. He has nice clothes! I finally asked him how he has these nice clothes. He said they are hand-me-downs from Tarin. Lol.
Came back and Alex wanted me to play Fallout. I wanted to make out first. It was satisfying. We didn’t have sex, but he at me out and fingered me and sucked on my tits while I masturbated.
Then I tried to play Fallout. It was an impressive game. But I got motion sickness. I went to bed at around 10. I asked him to tuck me in. We chatted until 11pm. We discussed his business.
He shot down my ideas and was pessimistic. But one thing I like about him is that he will come around and tell me he appreciates me and he loves me.
Overall he is very loving. He tells me I’m gorgeous, he grabs my ass, he kisses often, he does most of the chores, he holds me and touches me.
The reason I chose him the first place was his ability to love in all 5 languages. Quality time, words, acts of service, touch, and gifts. Not as much for gifts but he did buy me some beautiful flowers.
I feel safe about his love being unwavering. That’s more than I can say about Sam.
I watched a TED talk this morning about how our brain has a way to synthesize happiness. https://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy
It’s amazing how our brain will find a way to find happiness.
I know that Sam and I can’t be together (right now), and I find a way to stop banking on it.
I messaged him back after his message, but I didn’t expect him to write back. I don’t expect to have a relationship with him any time soon. Not anymore.
I’m more content and at peace with my current situation now.
But then, I really don’t think Alex and I are made for the long run, for the main reason: we don’t make each other laugh that much.
Current plan is to be with him, love him, and help him, until the lease is up. Then I want to move away. Maybe move around.
I want to find that guy who deeply loves me and vice versa. That guy who makes me laugh so hard and laughs at my jokes. That guy whom I can have so much fun with, share goals, inspire each other, rely on, and love deeply.
When I think about it, Sam is flakey, potentially full of psychological issues, focus issues, and health issues. And he is too young to be mature. Despite us having the same goals, inspiring each other, and having so much fun together. Not right now. One day perhaps.