Well, I’ve been very excited and worried about the Bali Chapter.
Last night I arrived at 2am in Denpasar airport. Took a cab for 200K. It was a 40 minute drive. Driving through the city was very interesting. I loved it already. Something about the air. The stray dogs looked really cute too. They seem to want to be adapted.
Dile and Filipa were super nice. I adored them. They stayed up for me! They are the sweetest.
This place is stunning! The rooster outside was super annoying and I didn’t get very good sleep. Also I woke up to someone smoking, which really pissed me off this morning.
Met Andrew and Kumar. Kumar was surprisingly formal. Talked about love with Andrew.
Jason arrived. He’s been in Taiwan for 20 months and can speak Mandarin! He loved Taipei.
Then finally at 2pm, Sam arrived. We had an awkward hug where I wasn’t sure if I should put both arms under his.
He had a biz call soon, and was on the phone for forever. I felt anxious. I wanted more time with him before Debra came!
Finally he got off the phone. We were all in the kitchen for a while, talking. I got to have a deeper conversation with him. He’s done some mind blowing stuff he said. It’s interesting.
Later he went to the pool. I walked by and he saw me. We talked by the pool for a bit, and then we played in the water.
It was all pretty platonic. But at one point he tried to get on the rubber ducky while I was on it. I didn’t want to go along with it because there were other people by the pool. He flipped the ducky and we were both in water. That was the most sexual thing today.
He asked how I was. I said I was good. Same as before. Happy, but stressed. I said that I need to focus on my biz. He said him too, and proposed that we be accountability buddies. I like that. But deep down I didn’t think he would keep to it.
When I woke up this morning, I had a dream that he didn’t even spend time with me upon first seeing me, and walked away with some other girl. I was surprised when I woke up that it didn’t happen, that it was a dream.
Tonight, he went off to buy some food with Kevin. I asked for some food too. He didn’t come back ’til much later.
We did have some good quality time today, but overall I felt that this was progressing slowly.
The fact that Debra was coming, that cast a shadow. Ugh. I’m so insecure!
So finally at around 10pm, Berta and Debra came! She wasn’t as cute as the photo it seems, and is shorter, but she is still cute.
It’s weird. Sam was a bit more flirty with me after seeing Debra. But I think he finds her cute, no doubt. I feel that it’s impossible for him to have chemistry with anyone else, but with Debra, there’s a chance. Not as a couple, but as a fling.
But as a fling will hurt me pretty badly already.
Damn. What did I get myself into? Forget about Michelle. This is now. This is gonna hurt I think.
He was like, I want to go for a bike ride, and then asked if Debra likes riding bikes. Debra said no. But, he made her laugh and she touched his arm. I can’t stand this, so I went to bed.
I’m hearing them (Berta, Kent, Alex, Debra, and Sam) laughing and it hurts already.
In all honestly, I shouldn’t be with Sam, so whatever. But I wish he wouldn’t flirt with someone else in front of me. Not even a little bit.
Sigh. I don’t know what to do. I think I may have got myself into something terrible.
In my ideal world, Sam would be into me and me only. There’s no insecurity from either of us. We just have lots of fun. Maybe fun sex. But it would be sincere.
Fuck, I don’t even know what I want anymore. Do I want to be with him? I don’t know. He looked good this time. He’s lost some weight. He looks taller when Robert is not here. He laughs at my jokes. I laugh at his. We played today.
If Debra wasn’t here, I’d feel so much better. It would be paradise. But, what is this? Why is there always competition? Now it’s potentially hell. If she wants him, I feel that there’s no way I can compete.
Why? She is light-hearted, fun, young, exotic, new.
I’m wiser, more accomplished, funny, also exotic.
As much as I believe in my value, all that matters here is if he sees these values in me as important.
Would he want to date me? I don’t know. Does he think about our age gap as being too big? Does he see a future with me?
Honestly he’s met so many interesting people, it’s so hard to say.
I feel that, if he wants me he wants me. If he wants someone else there’s nothing I can do.
The question is,