I woke up at 5am today. I decided to message Sam that I adore him and other nice things. He didn’t reply, which made breakfast at their villa awkward to me. I asked him to reply at least. He replied with some nice things and said that we should chat today.
Sam and I went to acroyoga today at Udara. Udara was so beautiful. I wasn’t so impressed by Yoga Barn at Ubud, but this place really impressed me. It felt like a piece of heaven. Ocean view, giant animal sculptures, and grand spaces. Entry and acroyoga jam is free, but membership would be $15 per day.
Sam was pretty good at first. He was very enthusiastic and somewhat affectionate. We stopped for gas, and the lady said I was beautiful. Awww! At acroyoga, someone said I was beautiful too. Yesterday, at the waterfall, a bunch of guys gave Sam a thumbs up because they thought I was hot. That’s been very uplifting.
He rode very fast as he is now very comfortable. But we went to the wrong beach. He rode even faster. It was a bit frightening but was fun. I think we were going at 80km/h
We got to Udara. Met Zak and Jane. I was amazed by how gorgeous the place was.
We started out alright. But Sam quickly got frustrated (I think). He stopped trying. Said he was tired. Sometimes I don’t understand nor like his odd behaviours.
We did improve though. And acroyoga is rather fun.
We went to lunch. I said I wanted to eat by the beach. He tried hard to satisfy me. But then he wanted to split the bill. I said I didn’t like that. I prefer that one person pays once and the other person pays another time. So he did that. I was a little bit pissed still.
We sat down and he wanted to talk about how I feel, again. How do you like the tribe? The villa? I said I feel trapped, but I do like it. How you feel about us? I said I like that I’m taking it slow.
What do you want to happen between us? I said I don’t know. I’m still getting to know you.
I asked him how he felt about us. He thinks we have a connection, but he doesn’t think we are compatible to be together long term.
He said he is still not over his ex. Sigh.
He thinks they can still grow together and teach each other lots of things.
I was sad. Because there’s not much I can do about this. I was sad that he does not see us compatible long term. Even though I was having doubts about us too.
I wanted him to love me more than I love him.
He worries about our age gap. He worries about my short temper. Sigh.
I hate that I have a temper. I feel that I’ve been scaring guys away.
We talked some more, and I suggested dating for 5 weeks. He thought about it and said yes.
At some point we started kissing. He stopped because he said he was to turned on.
As we left and I hopped on his bike, something I said about him not being very kind to people without the independence really got him. He started second guessing this 5-week relationship. He said something about that we bring out the bad side of each other also. It was very confusing. He said he didn’t want to hurt me. I did not follow this thought pattern.
We went back. We talked in his room for a bit. I tried to convince him that it’s still a good idea. We made out a bit. But there were tons of people talking outside of his bedroom. He was nervous about it. Sigh.
I left and went to la Laguna with everyone.
I wanted to stay home and work, but I did want to see la Laguna’s beauty, and get dinner. We didn’t stay out too late anyway.
My mind was still on Sam. I felt a bit sad but at the same time knew it was for the best.
We migrated to the lawn at some point, and Zak and I did some acroyoga. Filipa and I did some headstands! It was fun actually! And Zak was a better base than Sam haha.
Sam asked if I was enjoying la Laguna. I sent him photos and told him about the lawn activities. He didn’t reply ’til later. Said he was glad that I had fun and sweet dreams and wished that I dream about the giant turtle we saw today. Called me a Christmas giraffe.
I called him a Thanksgiving wombat.
He said, You’re pretty cool, and thew me a kiss.
That was meh.
I talked to Masha about Javier and Sam. Javier is just as dumb, talking to his ex, unable to fully appreciate the person in front of him.
I have a theory about Sam.
He was new a love so he was very devoted. She was crazy so the ups and downs caused him to love her even more.
He is finding all sorts of ways to be like her, such as getting into healing.
He is finding all sorts of ways to excuse himself for continuing this “friendship” with her. In the name of growth and healing, he keeps talking to her. In the name that relationships are not binary, he wants to have new relationships while keeping this one alive.
How fucked up.
I want to make sure I don’t say these thing to him. Instead, he needs to say these things himself.
Do you think she is helping your broken heart heal? Do you think that’s her interest?
Do you think you are seeking for ways to heal, or you simply want to have a common subject to discuss with her?
Do you think she cannot succeed without your help? Do you think she won’t be able to publish a book if you stopped talking to her?
Do you think your relationship with her might hinder you from developing deep connections with someone?
Do you think your friendship with her is toxic in any way?
Anyway, these are questions that I could ask. But honestly, I’m losing interest in him.
I wanted to do my best, because I thought he could be an amazing boyfriend. I wanted to give us a chance, because I thought he was emotionally available.
Now I know he is an unstable person with a ton of emotional baggage.
What do I want going forward?
I want him to be over his ex asap. I want him to fall harder for me than for his ex. I want him to love me deeply.
I want us to have lots of sincere and loving fun, as exclusive boyfriend and girlfriend, then we go our separate ways at the end of the 5 weeks lovingly.