Went to breakfast with Sam yesterday. He was grumpy. I kept my composure and asked why.
He said he was bored, and no one here stimulates him. It was rather insulting to say that to my face I thought. He felt trapped.
I said he is free to go anywhere, why would he feel trapped. I can’t remember his reply.
I asked him why he wanted to do breakfast. He said because he said so and didn’t want to flake out. I asked why he wanted to do it the first place, and he said he felt that I’d like that. And he wanted to see me in a different setting, and how we work together.
He wanted to go get a smoke and I urged him to wait half an hour. We started fighting for his wallet.
We play fought a lot. I was biting him, he was licking me, drooling on me, eating a salad off me.
He asked, Can you stop being so sexy? I said no.
We worked together for a bit. I’d touch him once in a while, and he’d touch me once in a while.
Sometimes he’d pulled me onto his lap, sometimes he’d sit on my lap :/
He asked me what part of his body he can improve upon. I said he can improve his personality. Haha.
Then more seriously, I said his body is fine, but maybe he can improve how he is in bed. I said I thought he’d be amazing in bed and an amazing kisser. He said it’s because he is holding back from me.
He still wouldn’t kiss me aside from a light peck on the lips. I think we did kiss that night when we tried to have sex…but it wasn’t good. He positioned his tongue weirdly.
At one point he asked if I’m no longer in love with him. Something like that. I said I think so, but I still want to have fun.
Still he holds back and thought that sex would change us because we are more emotionally involved. Ugh.
In a lot of ways I’m less and less attracted to him, for sure. But we had fun at breakfast.
He dropped me off at Dojo and I worked with Debbie for a little bit. It was mostly me talking to Alex behind Debbie’s back, getting him to apologize to her for being rude.
It all worked out, but I didn’t get much work done. Sigh.
In the afternoon, Sam and I went to muay thai. He said he didn’t care if I went with him, which annoyed me, but I went. I was curious. It was fun, but was hard on the knuckles so I wouldn’t do it again.
He was not having a lot of fun. He fell into a melancoly state again.
In the evening, we all gathered around Zac for poker. Sam stayed a bit and left. He was not having fun.
At dinner, he ate quickly and left.
I messaged him to ask how I can help him feel better. He didn’t reply.
I went to his room and find him, Filipa, Debbie, and Dile sitting on the balcony. It’s as though he is most free with the girls, and the girly guys.
I talked to him for a bit, but he was rather closed off to me, so I left.
I didn’t feel especially sad, but I really don’t like how his mood swings by the hour.
Today, I still thought about it.
I messaged him. I told him that if he sees me as a good friend, then he should treat me as one, and let me help.
Surprisingly he said I always attack him when he opens up to me so he doesn’t feel comfortable opening up to me.
Sigh.
Now he just posted on Canguu community that he is looking for a place starting June 1.
He has so many issues. It makes me feel very stressed. And at the same time it seems that he feels that I’m doing that to him. What the fuck.
I want us to be good. Even though he has so many issues. Even though this thing we have is short term.
Why am I here in Bali?
I wish I’m where I’m supposed to be.
I want to meet someone for me. I want to be stress-free. I want my life to be full of love, laughter, and freedom of time and money.