Last night, after blow up with Sam, I talked to Mom.
I’m so grateful for Mom.
I felt surprisingly calm though. I wasn’t deeply sad. Not that I’m aware of.
I think it’s because he’s shown me so much of his ugly side, that I’m not very attracted to him anymore.
But I want to write about this. I think it’s important to decide now how I’m going to remember us and our conversation.
- I feel that I understand him quite well now. He has a facade, a thick mask. It is friendly and nothing bothers him. However under the mask, there is so much going on. Deep deep sadness, lack of fulfillment, suicidal thoughts, judgements of other people, judgements of self, a sensitive and traumatized child. (Maybe that was the deep pain I felt of “others” while on mushroom.) Because he was so sensitive, he had to build this thick mask.
- He can’t open up to me, saying that he had blocked out the pain. This I don’t quite understand. How could I have cause so much pain? He is very sensitive indeed.
- He was unhappy with my attitude about learning from him and about my progress. For example, he thought that we progressed slowly in acroyoga. I thought we progressed quickly! He went to acro just 4 or 5 times, and he based our progress on his experience with those people. This frustrates me a little, because it’s like he is saying I’m not good at it or we are not good together. I need to recognize the fact that Zach and I did the throne on first try. And that the people he met at acro probably had done it before, whereas I was starting from scratch. He was overly critical, impatient, and pessimistic of us. He masked that, but I can tell he was frustrated that day at Udara. I also need to recognize that Zach kept giving him advice and he kept not taking it. He was blaming it on us or me, when he was a large part of it too.
- On his mask, he is patient and trying and nice and kind. But below that, he is competitive, selfish, impatient, judging, ugly. We all have qualities we try to overcome and improve upon. But I think he sweeps those under the mask, instead of transforming these qualities. It created a very bi-polar character. When his ugly traits rear their heads, he gets moody, tries to hide it. He wants so badly to be perfect, and is frustrated that he is far from it.
- He was very critical of me, because he is very critical of himself. This I understand. He is extra critical because he was so desperately and impatiently seeking the one, while he feels that he had found the one already (his ex) and just needs to work on her to help her become someone who he can be with forever.
- He couldn’t leave his ex, and I think some of these things had to do with his small penis that she miraculously enjoyed. Maybe someone else had criticized him on that, and she didn’t. Also, they bond over the erratic and deeply traumatized children within them. Also, he idealize his relationship with her, saying that they felt like one. She didn’t. I’m sure. She doesn’t love him. She doesn’t love herself.
- He really didn’t see the best sides of me. Scooter was my weakness. Verbal skills. Voice skills. Acting. Sports. Pool. I think in his eyes I was probably quite lame. And I felt inadequate. He was good at all of the above. And in all honesty, I could learn to become good at some of these things. Hence I’m motivated to improve my verbal skills, acting, and sports.
- Is this how I saw Alex? I felt that Alex was bad at so many things, that I had more values to offer. Like, biz experience, money, ability to solve problems.
- He did see me do better at volleyball. And I was quite good at Muay Thai and he wasn’t impressed. He was coming from the point of view of finding faults. Also he didn’t see potentials in me in becoming spiritual like him. I wasn’t all in on his passion of being spiritual. I am drawn to these spiritual things, but I don’t like to act like I’m not myself, and that I blindly accept what he was into. I feel unintelligent to do that. I think Filipa is the kind to pretend to accept it all, which is a great way to butter someone up. But she is just doing it to fit in and to attract. I approach it my way, not his way. I ask questions. He didn’t like that I even questioned it. I was opening up to new ideas, but he can’t see it and it’s not fast enough for him.
- We really don’t communicate in the same way. I was surprised to learn that in his mind, his tried to communicate so many times and failed. Even as we talked last night, he kept saying, I just explained. When he didn’t really, from my perspective. We really are on different wavelengths. Are we even in the same Universe? We have such disparity.
- I don’t like that he made me feel inadequate (though I’m sure I made him feel that way too). I can work on being more verbal with my compliments.
- Usually, guys are not talkative or aware of their feelings. Women are aware and but may get moody instead of being able to verbalize it. He is a blend of moody, aware, and not talkative. A terrible blend really.
What have I learned from this experience?
- Look for emotionally stable guys, and someone who is happily single, not tormented, not hung up on his ex.
- Recognize facade/mask/secretiveness when I see it. A transparent person is much easier to be with.
- A communicative person doesn’t necessarily communicate well. Find someone with whom I can communicate well with. It’s very important.
- Patience in the person is important. Patience for the relationship. Patience to cultivate a relationship and get to know the person.
- Acceptance. Find someone who accepts and appreciates me, is my number one fan, and vice versa.
- Acroyoga is a good couples exercise
- Mushrooms can be very therapeutic and life changing
- Dance freely
- Learn more, be more, so I can add value to the relationship
Things I want to learn:
- Learn to be more supportive
- I will work on giving more praises to my partner and people in general. In public and in private
- Improve my communication skills – voice, improv, acting lessons
- I need to work on being less problem-solving oriented, and instead learn to make people feel loved and be able to open up to me.
- Learn how to build a deeper connection with people. By challenging them, teaching them, introducing new experiences, laughing with them, relating to them, loving and accepting them, proving things of value (advice, food, services).