I don’t know what it is exactly… I feel sad. I cried.
I’m annoyed by a lot of things. I’ve been annoyed at Mom ever since I got back. More so than usual. At first I attributed it to Sam. I think he had a bad energy that rubbed off on me. I’ve been hiding it. Secretly rolling my eyes. That’s probably like how he treated me too. I wanted nothing but good for us, and he was filled with contempt. I felt like that towards Mom…and I don’t know how to not feel that way.
And in some ways I’m probably justified actually. Sometimes she is so negative without knowing. Steve asked me about my muscles the day after the workout. She said, “Oh he only asked about your muscles not you? He only cared about his business?” Ugh. I hated that. TBH it did cross my mind briefly, but I quickly corrected and thought of it as his form of caring. But she planted that seed in me. And today when he asked again about my muscles, I felt that he didn’t care about me.
And I’m sad about Steve too. Yesterday everything seemed fine. But today, he didn’t message me all day. I felt so neglected. He forgot about booking me in for tomorrow until I reminded him.
Sure he probably had a busy day as he told me he would, but he’s been on my mind all day. I wanted him. I wanted to make out with him. I wanted to make love with him.
And yesterday, we didn’t even get to kiss. He didn’t try to kiss me. He didn’t touch me. We had just had sex 2 days before. It felt so weird. But then again, I was keeping a bit of a distance too. I didn’t know how to behave. Maybe he was the same way. He was attentive though.
I think there are two things at play here. I’m falling for him and I have started to expect things. I have started to wonder where we stand. I should not worry. Remember the other time, a couple days before our date, when I thought maybe he had flirted, and I flirted back? And he didn’t reply for hours? And I started googling “How to not take things personally”. Omg. I need to remember that I can get that way. I felt so insecure about whether he liked me or not. I played back to when I went to his studio, how he didn’t complement me on my mohawk upon seeing it for the first time.
Then when he replied, I was so relieved. And, more than that…he said he checked out my alopecia video and thought I was awesome. And that he sent it to his mom too.
Remember that. Remember how he can be subtle. Remember how I can be a bit insecure.
Remember how he was super sweet and passionate during sex. Remember how he thanked me that next day and said he felt great. Remember how he was very thoughtful the day I went in for a session. Feel it in his act, not in his words.
Don’t let Mom inject doubt and negativity into my mind.
But that’s what I can’t stand. I can’t stand living here with Mom. She can be so different from me, in a way I dislike. She is so opinionated. So judging. So black and white. So small minded. So slow. So dumb. UGGGGHHHH.
I hate that she is always stressed out about the tiniest things. I hate that she can’t see the big picture of my biz when I give away products. I hate that she is so opinionated about everything that every person does.
I honestly can’t live in Victoria. I can’t stand her.
Strange how I’m less tolerant of her, after my session with Tunjung. Granted I haven’t bee meditating. And I have been in a bad mood. Until I met Steve….I was in such a good mood 2 days ago when we had sex! But the high has come down….
I’m scared. I’m scared that Steve isn’t into me after sex. That he just wanted to be polite and friendly. I’m so scared. Why?
- Because guys sometimes just want to get laid. And same here.
- We had sex a bit too early on – second date! From kissing to having sex…it made me wonder if he was taking this seriously. Though the same can be said about me.
- He hasn’t told me anything about previous relationships. He did say that he is loyal.
- He kinda wants kids. It makes me worry that he already dismissed me like Jeffrey did. And also, I kinda dismissed him myself because of this.
I’d feel better if we talk it out, have great sex again, and that he takes the initiative to call me or arrange a date with me.
I said to myself before, that we can be friends. But now, it’s gonna be near impossible….I’m so attracted to him. And then, I had the idea that we’d just date for the next 10 days…but now, I want him to want me for much more. I don’t want us to end. But we are so new. I don’t know much about him yet. I’m quite sure he is not playful enough nor funny enough for me. And I don’t like that he is at the start of his biz. But….he seems to have so much to offer. More than anyone before him. I adore him.
I want to cry but I don’t know why. I did cry. I don’t know if it’s a deep down love for him or feeling turned on that made me cry. It’s kinda like the great sexy cry. Or is it foreseeing the pain that is to come, when we end? I don’t want this to end. I want us to just really like and appreciate each other, adore each other, and have amazing sex.