Going through a course “Create the Love” that Cyndi sent me.
This part made me ball my eyes out:
What did you long for from your parents the most, as a child?
I wanted to go away on weekends with my family!
It seemed like everyone else in my class got to do that. I never even went to the beach with my parents! And we lived on an island!
They were always fighting. I wanted harmony, laughter.
But I didn’t know what that looked like.
Mom and Dad joking around, having a good conversation. I have NEVER seen that! Whoa.
I have seen them being intimate in bed together (somewhat sexual), and I felt a bit left out. That didn’t happen much though…maybe just once.
Other than that I’ve only seen them fight. Or Dad pitching his story or ideas to Mom and Mom was uninterested / didn’t believe in him making it happen. Or Mom begrudgingly served Dad late night dinner while he read newspaper and show no gratitude for her.
I also didn’t want to have a brother, because I didn’t want some of the love to go to him.
I felt love from Mom. She bought me cute clothes, took me to many interesting classes, did homework with me and we had fun, laughed at my jokes, made a real effort finding the best teachers and environment for me.
But later I also resented her because of how she thought I was ugly when I lost my hair. Because of how she withheld some love and affection when I lost my hair. Also she always openly criticized my eyes and nose.
Now, I feel pretty good towards Mom. She doesn’t judge my looks negatively anymore. She thinks highly of me. She is a bit afraid to upset me. She misses me and wants me around. She spoils me with her cooking and her friends’ cooking. She spoils me with money and I spoil her with money. She sides with me, gives me freedom, doesn’t judge me at all! I feel very lucky.
Dad didn’t have a real issue with my alopecia, joking that I’m so brilliant my hair fell out. He taught me math and science and astronomy.
But Dad was not really there for me. He was all about his business. I felt not close to him at all. Also he had a bad temper. It didn’t happen much, but he did call me an idiot a few times, such as when I got him the wrong newspaper. I did not miss him at all when Mom and I came to Canada because I never was very close to him. Even now, I don’t miss him ever.
Now, I talk to Dad once in a while. I don’t really enjoy our conversations that much. He cuts me off or disagrees with me often. The topics are less interesting than before.
Both Mom and Dad are less interesting than before. They love talking about food prices haha. I like to fold clothes or do other chores when they talk.
Looking at Mom’s life, she has lots of friends, she dances, she laughs a lot, she is keeping herself healthy. She is pretty happy in general.
Dad has almost no friends. Loves his dog. Loves the internet as he learns a lot about history etc from it. He is probably happy enough too.
I much prefer Mom’s life.
When I’m old, I’ll want to have lots of good friends, laugh a lot, and do fun things together.
I think it’s reassuring to know that many of Mom’s close friends are made later on in her life. It’s not too late for me to start!
A really cool insight from the course is that, if there was something that you longed for from your parents that you didn’t get, you can give it to yourself.
So, that would be, weekend trips / longer trips. Laughing and having fun with my partner. No judgement, no criticism. Lots of confidence in them, lots of support for them.
If I love my partners like how Mom loves me, then that’s pretty good. If I love them like how Mom loved Dad, then not good.
Actually I went on a few trips with Mom too. We have that. Maybe she missed out on that during her time with Dad and wanted more vacays too!
Another insight from the course is to view your parents as the children of their parents. This allows you to be more understanding and forgiving.
What harms did my grandparents do to my parents?
When I love people, they …think I’m generous. They give me more undivided attention. They are more sincere.
When I let people love me, they…enjoy it because I show gratitude and I reciprocate.
When I love people, I…give them all my attention, I go above and beyond, but without compromising my own livelihood, I am generous.
When I let people love me, I… well I always let people love me! As they should haha. When people love me I feel so happy, worthy. I want to love them back even more.