I’m so sad today.
Last night … well 4am I finally messaged Alex, telling him how I was not ok with him ghosting me. I was shaking.
Today I heard back.
Basically he said that he thought I was trying to take this relationship too seriously and asking him to commit. So he distanced himself.
In reality I asked him to try to make an effort to see me twice a week as he said he’ll do. That’s all.
I kinda knew he was a fucker like that. A flake. A dead beat.
But today it was confirmed.
I’m balling my eye out even more.
But, at least now I feel more ready to move on.
John had to comfort me a little, ironically. I told him I was sad cuz Alex ghosted me.
I’m sad that John is so sick and not good in bed and unfun to be around…. I wish he was the one for me. I wish, most of all, that he is healthy and happy. And loving himself.
Lessons:
- Don’t hook up with unreliable, flakey people.
- Don’t hook up with people bad at confrontation
- If they have to be asked to put you on a reminder alarm to message you, nope
- Be as clear as possible about being on the same page e.g. end date
I mean, in some ways, I’m glad I had those memories, those good sex experiences. I just wish it was with someone as sincere and reliable as John.
I will get over this.
One day in the near future, John is gonna be healthy and happy. And I’ll have lots of friends. And I’ll meet my soulmate. And I hope the John will meet his soulmate.
I just showered, and still felt so much sadness.
Sad that I’m turning 42 in 8 days, and still have not experienced love, experienced being spoiled and courted and showered in love gestures.
Sad that John has me stuck in the most boring relationship.
Sad that Alex turned out to be an inconsiderate asshole.
Sad that most likely he never felt as deeply for me. Though, who knows. Maybe him trying to move away from me is because it hurts him. But I doubt it. I think he finds me overbearing and asking too much. That should’ve been my queue. The fact that I had to chase him down to see me. Then again, he did try. So, all in all, I think I tried my best. Would I have done it differently? Probably nothing. It was as it was.
I can’t change to become less passionate. Or to become ok with someone who flakes out. Or to be ok with ingenuity. Or to be silent about it all.
A part of me wished that I could tap into my higher self and not be sad. But, I don’t see how.
I am human. I have feelings.
I guess I can be an observer of my feelings instead of being too impacted by them.
I will find love. I will.
I will radiate love. I will be giving, kind, happy, joyful, radiant, glowing, magical. I will enjoy having several lovers until I find the one I want to be monogamous with.
I just remembered that the fortune teller said I’ll always have peach flowers. That means, there will be more good guys coming into my life. I gotta truly believe it, visualize it, and embrace it.