April 20th. It’s been 2.5~3 months since I last saw Alex. I’m feeling much better now, yet today, I missed him again and I cried. How I wish that he’d make an effort to be with me. How I wish that we can date and spend all the fun time in the world together.
I can’t believe I’m still missing him after so long. I guess that’s what it’s like to be in love, to be addicted to a drug. I just always want to be with him. I just have nothing but good times when we were together. I felt ALIVE when I was with him. Can’t beat that.
I know he is too much of a dismissive avoidant for me to ever trust that he’ll be there for me. But being with him is just like being in heaven. It must’ve been love. This must’ve been what being in love feels like. I saw no fault in him. He was just amazing. I loved everything about him. His height, his tatts, his face. Things I didn’t think were perfect…..they became perfect.
I’m reading the lyrics to the song “It must’ve been love” by Roxette and I’m crying hard now.
I want to believe that, if I fell this hard for him, there’s something special between us, and that we are bound to meet again, to be with each other again. But, I also know that there are many unrequited love stories in the world throughout history. I just have never experienced it so I can’t comprehend what it’s like to not be loved back the same way.
Also, I’ve never loved anyone the way I loved him. He is absolutely a unicorn to me. So I never knew what it was like to be so hooked on someone.
I also have never been in a relationship with someone that makes me laugh, that I can talk business with, and have the most mind-blowing sex together. Surely there’s someone else like that for me, aside from him, right? That that person will be healthier mentally. And doesn’t want kids either! That wants to build a business together. That cares about me and my business like his own.
My vibrational frequency for a perfect relationship has been raised. My expectation is now higher haha. But I think it’s good. It’s good to know how good it can be.
If I do date him, I’ll discover that he isn’t what I believe him to be anyway. He is on the selfish side, and he is unreliable. And he has an uglier side, such as being vindictive. And likely he’ll fall out of love before I am.
But I know that we date, we’d be totally in love, at least for a while. We’d be passionately in love. I really think that’s the type of love we’d have. We’d think of each other as perfect, we’d move heaven and earth for each other, we’d have the best of times together.
I really want that kind of love.