If I can wish for anything right now, it would be a zest for life.
I feel kind of dead inside.
Been sick for 10 days now, and that’s definitely a large part to feeling dead.
I lounge around, watch TV, do the infinite IG scroll, feel stressed about not hiring anyone and not being productive.
But mostly…I feel that I’m going crazy because I’m still crying about Alex everyday.
What does this mean?
Does mean we have something special and we are connected? That he is also feeling very sad about losing me?
Or is it one sided? Only I feel extremely sad? It’s possible but unthinkable.
Or am I just going through some kind of big hormonal shift?
Or am I just going insane?
I think I tend to be more optimistic during the day. At night when I masturbate, I try to not think about him. But inevitably I would.
Actually there was one time in the past three days I didn’t cry. I kept saying, “I love you” and filled my heart with love.
He still follows me on IG and the story view showed that he’s watched my stories.
Why does he that? It’s comforting to see that he still follows me and watches my stories, but, does he not suffer when he watches my stories? I blocked all his activities. I cannot bear to know anything that’s happening in his life.
Keep telling myself that even if we were together I’d suffer anyway, because he isn’t the type of guy that I can count on. Oh but how I wish I can experience all the fun with him, being a part of his world, his fun life.
Watched the movie About Time. Wow. The first half was kind of boring. The second half made me cry so hard.
If I can go back in time, I’d relive each of my moments with Alex. I’d be happy, knowing I have that at my finger tips always. In a sense I’d always have him.
Then if that gets boring, I might make bigger changes. Maybe seeing if saying something will keep our relationship going ’til my birthday. Maybe never tell him that I had a boyfriend and see how much he’d fall for me and how long we’d last.
Then if I can figure out how to make our relationship last, then maybe go back in time to become single and really date him.
Oh, all the fun a person can have just by being able to go back in time repeatedly. I’d get so good at life!
Definitely easy to make money.
Definitely easy to be a successful entrepreneur.
Can live out multiple life scenarios.
Can improve the same life scenarios.
It’s funny how, I’d want to keep this memory I have with him, especially the northern lights evening. If I had this power in my 20s, I probably wouldn’t have progress in such a way that I’d ever meet him.
Of course the best way to optimize such an ability is to live out my life, then go back in time to make incrementally bigger changes.
The biggest change might be to go back to when I first lost my hair, and just be a more well-adjusted, confident person right away.