Been sick since last Sunday. 7 days now.
On the 4th day I thought I was gonna be 100%, but it seems like my flu turned into a cold, and I am now having a stuffy head and a stuffy nose, the past 3 days.
John is sick too, since Tuesday. He’s always unwell so it’s hard to tell how sick he is.
I feel, so sad.
I don’t know exactly why.
I still think about Alex everyday. My memory of him is not very clear anymore, but the emotional intensity is still just as strong sometimes.
I don’t know how to get over him. I don’t know how to get over this feeling of loss….
I think I’m grieving. Grieving for the loss of that feeling of love. How much I loved him, how much I feel loved by him. I miss the laughing, talking, singing, holding hands, holding each other, kissing, making love. I miss every moment that we had together, Every. Moment.
I’m sad that this is gone. I’m sad that I’m STUCK with John.
I want to be free from John. But I want to be free because he is well. Healthy and financially sound and happy. But when will that time come?
Meanwhile I’m not in the mood to look for someone. I just want to have very good friends and expand from there.
John just called me as I was writing the above and balling my eyes out incredibly hard.
Ironically, I was happy that he called. I gathered myself together so it didn’t seem like I’ve been crying, and called him back.
He asked how I was doing.
There are definitely good qualities about him.
He is mentally stable. He reaches out to me. He doesn’t get mad or overly upset at me. He didn’t blame me for getting him sick. I can trust that he won’t ghost or run away on me.
I looked up the stages of grief. Because, I know that losing hair is a grieving process. Losing Alex must be too.
I think I’m in the depression stage.
The next would be acceptance.
In the realm of what’s possible, what would I want to happen right now?
I was thinking about travelling to a tropical place with a fun group of people including Cyndi and Ty. Ah, how sad that even that is fantasy? Can’t travel abroad right now, Cyndi lives far away with no money, Cyndi and Ty are no longer together, and Ty is not into travelling atm (and even if he is, he is going to Argentina with his childhood friends).
Build my own friend group. I have so few friends.
I need to focus on building a friend group!
I keep saying that. I need to act on it!
Criteria:
- Want to hang out
- Can hang out (has time)
- Smart
- Fun
- Reliable
- Bonus: Inspiring
When I’m recovered from this flu/cold, I’m gonna…well, I guess I need to get my biz back on track first, hire the people I need to hire, visit mom….then eventually get to having friends…
I guess the 1 thing I can do is to sign up for dance.
And reach out to the girl who owns a tea shop who is in Life Hack Tribe.
John is not so bad. He isn’t needy. He is kind and stable. He is trying. He is handsome.
I am not stopped by him to go out and meet people. So really, I need to just do that. Go out and meet people. He is my indoor night time cuddle buddy. Don’t ask for more, don’t expect more, and don’t let it stop me from making friends and finding my soulmate.
Alex is far from ideal. His mood swings at the slightest gust of wind. Same with his reliability and responsibleness. I would never have felt safe with someone like that.
So, I need to stop fantasizing about being together in any capacity. He’ll just disappoint and hurt.
Remember, the best is yet to come.
Remember, I can manifest 🙂