I’m legit going insane over Alex.
Yesterday I was consumed by the idea that maybe prolotherapy has permanently damaged John. I felt so much guilt.
I also felt so much guilt for saying to John that I have never been so bored and lonely in a relationship. It’s true…but…he is sick.
Today, I took it easy with work. Didn’t work at all today. Didn’t watch TV either.
I went rollerblading. Took a nap in the sun. Read Flow in the sun, naked. Made a black bean brownie. Danced a bit to XiaoTangYuan, trying to learn his moves.
It’s a pretty good day really.
As I was reading naked, I got a bit horny. I checked out PornHub and masturbated to something that barely did it for me.
I like videos of guys thoroughly enjoying a woman’s tits. I like good looking guys with toned bodies. I like the moments leading up to that first touch. None of the above is common in porn.
Sigh.
After a very mediocre orgasm, I took a look at these guys’ dicks. They were all pointy with smallish heads. No one has a healthy mushroom cap like Alex’s dick.
Wow. Is it that rare?
I decide to find myself a dildo that feels like his dick. I was looking for 5.5″, but realized that his girth is closer to 4.5″ which is more common in 6.5″ dildos. Maybe that’s why it feels so good. I picked ones with “real skin” technology, and a good sized lip (the closest I can find to resemble the mushroom cap).
As I shopped for an Alex-like dick, I felt sad for myself and cried again.
Sigh.
I want him so bad. I miss him so bad. Words can’t describe my constant sadness and withdraw.
I fantasized scenarios of us meeting up by chance. But none was realistic. The truth is, I’m unlikely to ever see him again. Just like with Matthew, Josh, Patrick, or anyone I have ever slept with.
I never ran into them again. And I wouldn’t want to.
To be fair, I did meet up with them, all of them, for a second time. And each time it ended badly.
If I ever do have a second chance with Alex, I’m almost certain it’ll end badly. Unless it’s decades from now, when we are both more sorted and manture.
My heart, body, mind, and soul crave him so badly. I can’t imagine being attracted to anyone else. Any other body type. It’s SO strange that this happened. I never would’ve thought, in a million years, that I’d be so into him.
I really hope I find love one day, with someone I feel as attracted to as I am to Alex these days.
And that this guy would be as into me too.
We would have the same physical and chemical compatibility as Alex and I. Except we’ll also be able to build a lasting relationship with no walls, no pretence. Just our vulnerable selves. With any emotional baggage sorted, or can be sorted together. And we’ll have so much love, respect, admiration, adoration, and compassion for each other.
Most importantly, we’ll be having so much fun together! Like two funny happy children! Except we also have amazing sex.
What’s it like?