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Since we got back from Machu Picchu, Hannah has been extra annoying.

She’s been seeking a lot of attention especially from Mike. And she is very absent minded when with me. Maybe with him too. I hate absent minded people. But mostly, I hate flirts. I hate people who flirt with guys I like.

Today, Mike and I were discussing stocks, and she eagerly wanted to participate. She asks dumb questions while being in the kitchen and can hardly hear us in the living room. It was mega annoying.

I want to just be in my room and not deal with her.

I think I need to work on feeling more secure.

Think about all the people whose husbands love them. They are very secure. Because they are lovely and easy to love!

Mike is sick since we got back from Cusco. I was feeling really under the weather yesterday too. But I feel fine today.

He sounds so weak and gentle. Kind of cute.

But he is not his normal funny self. He is just quiet most of the time.

I sat beside him for a bit while he figured out my phone’s data usage. That was the only time we were close. But he smelled a bit. Haha. Yes he is sick, but he really needs to work on smelling better in general.

 

 

Wow this chapter went by so quickly!

I hardly got to know these people, but many of them are boring so I’m glad Cyn and Ty were here and that the chapter is almost over!

There are a few people who are interesting and I wish I could get to know better though! Maggie, Heather. Maybe I will have time to get to know them.

Then there’s Mike.

Mike is one of the most interesting people I’ve ever met. I love the topics he likes to talk about. I love his sense of humour. I’m amazed at how quick and witty he is. He makes me laugh so much.

He is charming. Inquisitive. Always laughing. Very smart.

Plus he is cute. It’s hard not to like him.

But he has his weirdness. He needs a lot of alone time. He can be a complainer. He doesn’t get too excited. Doesn’t travel well. Not very considerate or thoughtful. A bit selfish. And he smells like mould sometimes still.

Other incompatibilities include him being too tall and too young. 11 years younger than me. Also, he is not as adventurous as me. He is more prone to being closed off to new ventures.

Johnny bunny has been really good about calling these days. And he is sometimes funny. The other day we joked about him wearing a lama outfit, which means he is naked and wearing a saddle. Haha.

No one is as funny as Mike though.

I wish we can tell each other that we are mutually attracted to each other. I wish we could make out.

I wish in the future we can be more compatible, and make each other laugh.

But I don’t think either will happen.

I’ll just enjoy the remaining time here in Peru. If we progress in our friendship, great. If not, that’s fine too.

Some moments:

1. On day 1, he came over, and I answered the door. I thought he looked alright, but too much beard.
2. We talked a little bit as a group. I remember thinking he was a little bit annoying when answering the question “Where are you from”.
3. For dinner, he shaved. I re-introduced myself because I wasn’t sure if he was the bearded guy from before. We walked to dinner together and laughed. I liked his company already.
4. At Alfresco, he sat across from me and asked what was the thing I’m most excited about doing. I said, MP! Then he asked what was the second thing I’m most excited about. I said, riding an alpaca!
5. At some point I told him my Tim Ferris story and he loved the story. After dinner at the bar, he said I should tell AnnaMarie the story.
6. I remember we walked back together as he wanted to go home at 11pm.
7. Hannah, Mike, and I went to dinner together on second night. We laughed so much! He told my Tim Ferris story to Hannah. It was so cute that he already knew it by heart.
8. I think it was the third day, he wanted to grab lunch together. I told him my age and that I’m seeing John. I didn’t look him in the eye when I said that.
9. We hardly interacted for a while. He said no to all my invitations for walks. The only time he invited me to something was to get water. We had so much fun even in those 10 minutes.
10. One day he sat down beside me on the sofa to show me Vemo. I didn’t really ask him about Vemo. I think he just wanted to sit beside me.
11. Another day (or same day) he talked about how tribers can be creepy. He acted out different ways of saying “You’re hot”. In hindsight, I wonder if he was trying to say something.
12. On my birthday, he didn’t remember but Hannah did. Hannah posted a bunch of unicorn lama photos, which were hilarious. Mike posted a sexy lama photo that said, One year olde, still as sexy as ever. Aww.
13. He took out his sheet and said to me, You’re a fashion designer, what do you think of this? He was apparently very unapproved of the sequence on his sheet. I said, “I thought you were gonna ask me if that would look good on you.” He said, “Oh I’m gonna wear it!” Hahahaha
14. Cyn, Ty, Mike, and Hanna celebrated my bday with me at Alfresco! To hear him laughing with Cyn and Ty while I was getting ready, I felt like he was the husband I want to have, someone who can entertain the guests.
15. I sat on the bus together with Mike, when we went to Huacachina. He made me laugh so hard.
16. I said he has the negative space of Ryan Reynolds. He laughed. I remember him and Ty talking later on, and perhaps Ty mentioned something about him looking like Ryan Reynolds; Mike suddenly looked at me and told Ty what I said.
17. He was super loner and tired in Huacachina. He didn’t seem to care to be close to me, aside from some sandboarding moments. I didn’t get to sit with him on all other rides, and it broke my heart to hear him laughing with Emilie on the last ride back. I was miserable. But eventually I got over it. He is charming and he has made many people laugh, including guys. As the 3 of us got off the bus to take the small van home, he was in so much pain. I lightly touched him on the shoulder.
18. We booked the flight to Cusco. We chatted a bit about Lokai bracelets, IG illusion etc. He was quite a pessimist.
19. He doesn’t have wifi in his room and asked to take a meeting in our rooms. I was surprised that he chose my room over Hannah’s. Later on we joked that he was trying on my outfits in my room, and stretching out my mermaid pants.
20. Him and Hannah went to cafes to work. Pervy guy showed up at window naked. We joked about this in our chat group.
21. I came home one day after the man in a fedora and a cape walked me home. He stuck his head out of the bathroom while I was in the kitchen, and said hi. That was adorable. I think he was naked.
22. We hopped into Uber for flight to Cusco. We joked about how I’m gonna seduce an alpaca/lama to let me ride it. I touched his shoulder and said something about letting me ride him (pretending that would be the conversation I’d have with the lama). He quickly spun that into a joke about how this is how I seduce men in general.
23. At the airport, he was busy working on this work. I felt very neglected and alone. He is not too thoughtful.
24. First night’s dinner, Joe and Emilie were a bit left out, while Mike and I have some serious discussions. Especially Emilie, because she is not into that type of convo. I liked that we can have these deep conversations and I love these conversations.
25. Day 2 morning started out well. Mike noticed the beautiful snowy mountain outside the window, but the window is too high for me to see anything. He held his hands out and said something like, “Ready babe?” and lifted me by my armpits to see the view. That was so adorable. Turned me on a little. The fact that he called me babe…haha…that’s our inside joke that I call all my girl friend babe, and Tom Brady calls everyone babe.
26. At breakfast, we talked about how we are the average of the 5 people we hang out with the most. I told him that ever since we met, he’s been so witty that I feel like I need to think faster to keep up. (Joe also said he felt like he was so boring when Mike just kept firing jokes.) Mike was obviously flattered.
27. That night though, not too fun. Emilie flirted with him, and he kept giving her attention by asking her questions, and sometimes ignoring me, almost as though on purpose. Emilie is the type to cut people off too. I was hurt.
28. On the other hand, he sometimes looked only at me when he talked, and he fondly talked about our jokes about him taking a call in my room and trying on my clothes.
29. He also remembers a lot of what I said. Like, when I mentioned the weirdest gift I’ve gotten is a C++ book printed out. He said, Is that the guy you went to UVic for?
30. On the way home, I let them have their moment. I talked to Joe instead. He was kind and sweet. Mike, despite talking to Emilie, started listening in on my conversation with Joe.
31. He asked Emelie what her Chinese name was. She tried to play games and said, “I’m not gonna tell you!” He ignored her and asked me. I had just asked Joe what his relationship situation was, when Mike rudely interrupted. It could be just the timing, or he was starting to get jealous.
32. It took me a lot of courage to gather myself together, let go of my ego, and face everyone the next dat as my cheery self. If Mike and Emelie are into each other, there’s not much I can do. They are both single, and they are more similar in age. She actually looks kinda like me. So am I the uglier version of two similar people? I hope not.
33. I came down for breakfast about half hour late. They had been laughing so much. I came down and the laughter kinda stopped. Mike tried to be kind though. The breakfast continued and ended with Mike and I in a deep conversation again. I can talk to him for a long time.
34. He wanted to go explore. I wanted to tag along. He didn’t want me to. Sad again.
35. He went ATV’ing in Sacred Valley and was gone all day. I hung out with the rest of the tribe and they were so boring.
36. Emilie showed even more interest in Mike. Mike ignored her. Seemed to be more into me again as he showed me the photos from Sacred Valley, and lied down on the floor beside me. With a virgo though, ignoring doesn’t necessarily mean not interested!
37. He awkwardly referred to our MP trip as “riding me” and couldn’t even look at me when he said that. He asked Joe and Emilie and pretend to have forgotten that I would be on the guided tour with him. I know what he was trying to do. I know he wants me to ride him, or to joke about it. Honestly, it’s as though we had brain to brain communication as I was hoping to joke about getting a piggy back ride from him on MP. I imagined that moment for several days! But the mood wasn’t right on MP…we didn’t have any alone time and he was super sleep deprived.
38. Day 3, Mike woke me up for MP trip at 3:10am. He opened my door and called my name, and I softly said Yes? I was naked. I had to get dressed in 5 minutes. I went down, no makeup. He kept looking at me, smiling a bit. He quickly touched me and said, You made it! It was a bit cute. I put my legs across the isle and onto the seat beside him. He laughed and said, Get your own row!
39. We sat together for 2 hours on the bus for one leg of trip. We were touching as the space was cramped. I asked him what his favourite natural phenomenon was. He said, “My body”. HAHHAA. Then he said, I suppose it’s better if I say ‘Your body’, but that’s a bit creepy.” Then he said, “Your smile. Your laughs.” Whoa. Did he just mega flirt with me? I didn’t know what to say to that. I said nothing.
40. He also remembered my Chinese name and said it perfectly after a few tries.
41. I told him my bunny drawing first memory. He said I was dressed kind of like a bunny (in my alpaca sweater). He said something about him being fuzzy like a bunny. I gently stroke his fuzzy back-of-the-wrist area, like petting a bunny. That’s probably the most flirty I’ve gotten.
42. I can tell he wanted to take a photo together on MP but he couldn’t bring himself to. I had no makeup on so I had no desire to. He took a photo of us while walking in front of me, and gave me almost no notice. My cellphone had slipped down my pants, and I was fishing for it when he took that photo! Hahaha. He said he wished it was a video.
43. I tripped over a rock on MP. He was behind me and saw it. He joked, “Did you have a good trip? Where are you planning for the summer?” Hahaha
44. He listens in on my conversation about John always. When I was telling Emelie about John, he turned around, walking backwards, and shook his head at me. When I talked to Joe about John, he mentioned again about how I was gonna break up with him months ago.
45. Joe helped me get rid of a spider on my bed. When I told that story to other people, I noticed that he rolled his eyes. I think he was jealous.
46. On MP, the guide took a photo of the 4 of us. Mike asked me to stand in the middle. I think it was him who joked about being them being the dads, because him and David are both so tall. He said something else to tease me. I squeezed his waist right after the photo was taken…like secretly flirting. He laughed.
47. When David asked me if I had fun on MP, I said yes, I just wish I got to ride something big. Mike immediately turned around and said to David, “Time to step up Dave!” I wish I had said, I want something furrier! Haha.
48. When we were in the elevator coming back from Cusco, my arm touch the back of his hand. I hope he can appreciate how soft and smooth I am!
49. Sometimes I want to hold him so bad. Sometimes I just want to lean against him, and feel protected by him.
50. I miss him so much already. He made me laugh so much. He is not the one for me, at least not as the less compassionate and thoughtful person that he is. But he has his incredibly attractive qualities. I have so many great memories with him. I want to say to him, “You are much hotter than Ryan Reynolds. Some people might say you look like Ryan Reynold’s negative space. Don’t listen to those people!” I want to write a letter to him to tell him to keep in touch because I want him in my life. I want to tell him that he is always welcome to visit me. I say this with a bit of fear because whenever I appreciate someone more, they disappoint me. There’s still 10 days. Who knows what could happen. I hope it’s something good. Please let it be something good.

I’m attracted to him, but he is not for me. Yet I want him to keep in touch and be in my life. That’s a paradox, no? What if he brings a gf to see me! Really I just want to keep in touch so that we can hook up one day. That’s probably not the best idea. Unless, maybe he will mature into a more thoughtful and caring person. At this moment, he brings out some bad qualities in me actually. Like, being a loner, being more selfish. I’ll need to keep looking ’til I find that person who makes me a better person!

I’m so drawn to Mike. Ugh.

At the same time I’ve given up on him. I recently learned a few things about him and I know we can never be. I mean, I knew that before, because we have such a big age gap and height gap. But, he is British with a Canadian passport, he is cute, he is funny, he is smart, he is interesting and interested. I really really like him, especially when I first met him.

He is so funny. Funnier than I realized before. Maybe he is funny because he is messed up. Like many comedians. Like Sam.

He is often a loner. Not a team player. He does not travel well. Not very adventurous. Doesn’t swim for some reason.

Overall, not the companion I seek.

I read up on his sign. He is a Virgo. What an annoying sign. Likes to be taken cared of. Likes to stay at home. Overly critical of self and others.

I feel a bit defeated that I seem not able to attract him right off the bat, even though, duh, I have a boyfriend, I’m 11 years older, have very different temperaments, much shorter.

But, I read that Virgos take time to build friendships first. As much as hate that he is not super attracted to me already, I’m also glad that it’s this way. It’d be much worse that he starts hooking up with other girls.

Step 1 to attracting a Virgo man –	Show how funny and quirky you are.
Step 2 to attract a Virgo man –	Have good manners.
Step 3 to attract a Virgo man –	Be open about your values.
Step 4 to attract a Virgo guy –	Support him.
Step 5 to getting a Virgo guy –	Be kind and loyal

I think I already do the above. I’m acting as a supportive friend. I’m very open and honest. He laughs at my jokes.

Part of me believes that we can be good friends for a long time. Then again, he is not one to keep in touch, so who knows.

My ideal situation for at the end of the chapter is to have a solid friendship with him, one where we both keep in touch with each other.

 

Let’s start with the day I left.

In the morning, I left John’s place and came home to pack.

Masha was busy getting ready for her date. We both cleaned the house.

John came over at night and we had sex. It was nice. Not a lot of conversation but that’s just how he is. Then he took me to the skytrain. We had a really nice last kiss on the lips and necks.

I wanted to cry because I would miss him. But I also wanted to break up with him. I appreciated him taking me to the airport, but I also resented him for not getting me a skateboard because he forgot.

After I arrived, I called him. The next day, he didn’t say anything. I sent him a good night message and he wrote back. Third day, he sent me a bunny and a kiss emoji. Today, nothing. Sigh. What a fucking shitty boyfriend.

I want him to show more affection, but at the same time, maybe this will make it easier to dump him.

I wonder if he’ll remember my birthday. If not, it’s a good time to dump him. Honestly. I will.

I know he has a lot on his mind, but, I really can’t be in his life. He is not fun.

—

My roomies Hannah and Mike were really funny the first 2 days! Then yesterday and today we hardly saw each other. That’s ok though.

Mike is 6’5, 28, and like a mix of Jim Carrey and Tyler (but more handsome). He is British. A software engineer. He made me laugh so hard, and he was so interested in my stories, and laughed at my jokes, that I was so drawn to him.

But I reminded myself, that I don’t want a big age gap. I don’t want a big height gap either. I keep thinking about him, but, pull it back girl. Just be friends!

I told him about John. I told him that I want a guy close to my age. He didn’t show any sign of anything. He is young. Maybe he isn’t interested anyway. He seems to be close to Jen. They have fun. Maybe he likes her. Yes, go like someone your age!

Sigh.

---

Cyndi and Tyler came over from Bogota today!

They are so funny.

We discussed why I always find non-funny or broken guys.

I think I know best. I think it’s because I place these first:

1. Good looking
2. Loyal
3. Kind / Sweet / Nice / Sincere towards me

These are definitely important traits, but I think it is very important that the guy is:

1. Funny
2. Finds me funny

And there are a ton of other things.

I want a husband who is smart, caring, sincere, loyal, successful, funny, good looking, about the same outgoing/sociability as me, thinks I’m funny, beautiful, smart, and special. Adores and admires me. Is curious about me and life, driven, has a sense of wonder, has a growth mindset, good temper, good EQ, good problem solver. Has a good handle on life.

I will manifest my dream husband into my life! End of this year, says the clairvoyant!

I feel quite lucky these days.

1. Relationship with Mom and Dad is good.
2. Relationship with friends is good.
3. Relationship with John is good. He is getting funnier and laughing more.
4. Health is good. A little big fat at the waist, but can wok on it. I exercise (run or swim) every other day when in Vancouver. Stamina can be better, and can get sick less often, but I just got some prescriptions for blood work, so that’s a good start. Dr. Snotgrass says it’s really hard for women to keep up with the iron. We tend to lose it as we age. (Eating black sesame candy right now :))
5. Business is good! 60~80% better than last year this time. Working on expansion.
6. I’m finally going to Peru to Macchu Picchu! I’m a little bit reluctant to move, but it’s on my bucket list for a long time now! I’m lucky that I get to go.
7. Investments: Stocks are doing better this year so far too. Going up. Private mortgage has been paying me $1045 per month on a $120K investment. Total I have $1.2M CAD networth.
8. Artsy is moving out. Dunno if it’s really gonna happen, but that’s good news!

I’m really excited about these things right now:

1. Expanding my ring collection and my business in general!
2. Getting my own apartment when I’m back.
3. Building a routine and get better at something

I get excited thinking about all the time that I’ll get when I have my own place again!

I can sleep well, not have annoying kids screaming / crying / playing video games. I’ll hang out with Masha sometimes not all the time. She talks too much. I appreciate her good influence on me. But I think it’s time to move out.

I can host dinner parties and activity parties! Laugh all the time, build great friendship.

Will I live in the same building? In Yaletown? I think as long as it’s central with a pool it’s good! If I can see BC Place and some water, I’d be so extra happy.

I’d love to get better at skateboarding and / or martial arts and / or volleyball when I’m back. Improve on my Spanish too. Cultivate lots of interest to make myself a more interesting person. Meet lots of interesting people. I want to build roots and foundation, optimize and gain proficiency through practice.

John is like that. Maybe he is what I need. He’s been more fun to be with lately. I’m starting to like him more.

I know I’m going to go through some form of transformation after 1 month in Peru. Plus 2 weeks in Europe. But this is how I feel now.

He isn’t super funny, and not super inspiring (in terms of success or contribution to the world or life goals or how he treats his mom), and a bit too conservative, too easy to sink into a stagnant relationship, financially uncertain (?), not super good at solving problems or being proactive or taking care of someone. Bad communicator. A bit of a complainer. Eye / neck health issue. Too into sports. Not as much into deep thinking.

But, he is loyal, reliable, has a handsome face and a hot body, doesn’t drink or smoke, doesn’t care for kids, maintains good health through being active and eating a healthy diet, doesn’t party hard. Is a gentleman. Has grace. Is kind. Has great taste (in fashion, cars). He tries. Tries to be a good boyfriend.

Hard to believe I’m turning 39 in less than 2 weeks! I want to have $4M by 40.

If I invest $1.2M with 10% interest every month, what happens?

Year 1) 1,200,000 x 1.1 = 1,320,000

 

2) 1,320,000 x 1.1 = 1,452,000

3) 1,597

4) 1,757

5) 1,932

6) 2,126

7) 2,338

8) 2,572

9) 2,829

10) 3,112

11) 3,423

12) 3,766

13) 4,142 ($4MM mark)

14) 4,556

15) $5MM

So only $300K more.

Let’s say I scale my business 2X this year. $1MM revenue. I’ll be doing $400K profit.

Let’s say next year $2MM revenue, $800K profit.

Then I’ll have $1.2M + $1M (have to pay tax) = $2.2M

That’s still 6~7 years before I hit $4MM

I’ll be 47.

Then when I’m 49, I’ll have $5MM

16) $5,514

17) $6,065

18) 6,672

19) 7,339

20) 8,072

21) 8,880

22) 9,768

23) 10,745 ($10MM)

8 years of investing $5M, I’ll have $10M. I’ll be 57.

Unless I sell my business for $4MM (Assume $3MM gain after tax). Then I’ll have $4MM at 40. It’ll fast track everything by 7 years. When I’m 42, I’ll have $5MM. By 50, I’ll have $10MM.

I need to look at how to establish my Trust structure so I can sell my business without paying as much tax.

Let’s say I don’t sell my business. How long will it take to grow it to $15M worth?

I’ll need to triple it. Maybe 6 years.

2020: $3M

2021: $4M

2022: $5.5M

2023: $7M

2024: $8M

2025: $10M revenue ($3M profit)

I’ll be 45.

Then I’ll have $10M by 45.

—

I take back what I said today.

John was very cute and funny and smart today. Masha and Stan annoyed me. John cheered me up and was very socially savvy. I’m starting to like him more and more.

 

Hi Tanya!

It’s been a while since we had a conversation!

Nice to have a date with you, talking about anything and everything we want to talk about!

You are very lucky. You know that?

The world is your oyster. Or, deluxe sushi with large pieces the fill the entire mouth, lightly toasted flan with fresh berries for dessert, plus cuisines from around the world haha

A fews things I learned recently:

1. When you feel good, you pay it forward. When you feel bad, you pay it forward. This is how we do, as humans. So it’s important to make people feel good, and it’s important to be able to make self feel good. It’s essential to the world’s health being.
2. We each have a value to a person. It doesn’t mean they are correct. It’s highly subjective to their perception of us (which could be very shallow or misguided), their own experience (and there’s no way for us to get the complete picture, because it also includes their take on their experience), and our relationship (chemistry, power dynamics).
   1. Some of these values include:
      1. Do they give me love? (to be loved)
      2. Do they inspire the love in me? (to love)
      3. Do they make me happy?
         1. As in, my mood right now (laughs, new mindset such as compliments, food, drugs)
         2. As in, help me become that person who is happier (can get what I want to get in life such as a cushier life, more attractiveness, more fulfillment)
            1. As in, physical changes (fitness, health, physical appearance)
            2. As in, internal changes (mental, spiritual fulfillment/englightenment, knowledge)
            3. As in, material gains (house, yachts)
      4. Can I make them happy? If I succeed, it’ll make me feel happy.
3. Story telling has one of the greatest impact on another person. It’s also a fast way to connect with someone.
4. We can tell any story about the same fact. From different angles, with different emphases. So make yourself an interesting person.
5. A great way to make a story more engaging and fun and memorable is to re-enact something. Anything. Act out a dialogue, a facial expression, a movement, a voice, a sound effect.
6. How we make people feel – That’s how we charm. that’s how we become the most attractive person. That’s how we become the most important person to someone.

 

I feel pretty lucky in general, especially after my run today!

Things are good. I’m grateful.

Mom and Dad are healthy and happy.

My business is doing quite well.

I’m healthy and happy.

I have friends and boyfriend who care about me.

—

Just now I feel a little bit sad that John didn’t message me much at all today. Yesterday he didn’t either, but he called me and we talked for over an hour. It made me feel that we are on the right track. Even though talking to him isn’t that fun at all. He is rather boring. So why am I so sad when he doesn’t talk to me much? I think I naturally like to get attached. I naturally want to talk more to each other. I can’t remember the last time a guy who is interested in me talks so little to me. This makes me feel that he is not interested in me. But, I think he is. Just that he doesn’t have the habit of talking more frequently.

So, I should feel happier, because:

1. He called yesterday and we talked for a while
2. He doesn’t entertain me that much so it’s ok if he doesn’t call every night
3. We are on the right path. No need to worry. We haven’t fought. We had a good convo last time. It’s just the way he is. Not personal.
4. Learn to give the guy lots of freedom. He’ll come back for more.

I’d like to have more, yes.

1. Give more to Mom and Dad. A dream house for Mom, and more money for Dad. Get them preventative health care.
2. Business can do even better! More profit, more sales, more team, more free time.
3. I can be healthier and happier. More energy and focus. More time. More friends.
4. I can get a better boyfriend, who makes me laugh, inspires me, motivates me, brings out the best in me, makes me very happy, and vice versa. I’m still searching for you! But for now, I’ll learn to be a better girlfriend with John.

 

My Dear husband:

1. Is mentally and physically healthy – I’m pretty good, yes.
2. Can handle stress well – Pretty good, yes.
3. Can solve problems well – Yes
4. Is emotionally available – Yes
5. Is emotionally stable – Almost Yes
6. Loves me and shows it in ways I can appreciate – Likely Yes
7. Is super funny – I’m funny yes.
8. Finds me super funny
9. Adores me
10. Admires me
11. Makes me laugh
12. Has a sense of wonder – Yes
13. Has a growth mindset, and grows at similar pace as me – Yes
14. Is happy – Yes
15. Is positive – Yes
16. Is supportive – Yes
17. Is encouraging – Yes, can be even more so.
18. Is inspiring – In some ways. Can be even more so.
19. Is generous – Yes
20. Is adventuresome – Yes
21. Is sexy – Yes
22. Is smart – Yes
23. Is charming – Yes
24. Is loyal – Yes
25. Is sincere – Yes
26. Is honest – Yes
27. Thrives in this world – Yes
28. Is playful – Somewhat, yes.
29. Does grand things (travelling to exotic places) – Somewhat, yes.
30. Does unusual things (cool hobbies, has great stories) – Somewhat, yes.

1. Is mentally and physically healthy – John, yes.
2. Can handle stress well – Not sure.
3. Can solve problems well – So so.
4. Is emotionally available – So so.
5. Is emotionally stable – Almost Yes.
6. Loves me and shows it in ways I can appreciate – Not quite. Not enough physical touch and words of affirmation.
7. Is super funny – No
8. Finds me super funny – No
9. Adores me – Somewhat. Not always.
10. Admires me – Somewhat.
11. Makes me laugh – Not often.
12. Has a sense of wonder – Not quite.
13. Has a growth mindset, and grows at similar pace as me – No.
14. Is happy – Not especially
15. Is positive – So so.
16. Is supportive – Yes
17. Is encouraging – Yes, can be even more so.
18. Is inspiring – In some ways. Can be even more so.
19. Is generous – So so.
20. Is adventuresome – So so.
21. Is sexy – Yes
22. Is smart – Not sure.
23. Is wise
24. Is charming – No.
25. Is loyal – Yes
26. Is sincere – Yes
27. Is honest – Yes
28. Thrives in this world – Somewhat
29. Is playful – Somewhat, Not really.
30. Does grand things (travelling to exotic places) – No
31. Does unusual things (cool hobbies, has great stories) – Somewhat, yes.
32. Is patient – Somewhat, yes
33. Has grit – In sports yes. Not sure about in business
34. Is open-minded – debatable
35. Not judging – yes
36. Good at resolving conflicts
37. Good at creating a lasting, passionate relationship
38. Good at creating a close bond with people
39. We can have deep conversations
40. Has a positive world impact

I had dinner with Jennifer tonight after picking her up from the airport. She said something very true:

If a guy had to change to suit your needs/wants, he’ll change back eventually. (e.g. after marriage in the case of her friend’s husband. He no longer helped with cleaning)

I also realized something while talking to her. John is such a bad conversationalist, and that will never change.

I really really can’t be with him.

He hardly talked to me today. Only when I talked to him. Just like I predicted.

It’s because:

1. He probably just doesn’t need/want to spend a lot of time with me
2. His friends wanted to hang out
3. He is mad at me for something but not telling me (probably for being grumpy because I thought I got HPV from him.)
4. He is turned off by me because I suspected that I had HPV.

I don’t think he is quite as stressed out as before. And yet he is still not talking to me much.

I miss it when he was romantic with me, taking me to Nuba!

What happened?

It makes me so sad.

How I want to have found the one for me. But he is so far from it. So close yet so far.

So handsome. And sometimes very sweet. Not a player.

I’m balling now. I’m so unhappy with him in so many ways.

Today I felt so rejected.

The end is near between me and him.

I want to try tantra with him for valentine’s day. But I don’t even know if we will last until then.

I know he is not the one for me. I just wanted to play and have fun with him for 2 more months, until Peru.

But, I’m starting to question whether I am having enough fun.

The lack of conversations. The lack of depth, laughter, curiosity in our conversations. The poor communications. Conflict avoidance. Lack of physical touch. Lack of physical affections. Lack of imaginations.

I’m so bored. So frustrated.

I’ll see how this week goes, and will try to last ’til VDay. But, I’m mentally prepared to let him go.

 

Week’s RPM

Get diaper bag refund – waiting to get complete file from Jay

Set up Forecastly – 70% there, just need data to be updated, and see if the inventory order projection is accurate

Prepare for Point Roberts trip. Prepare the Bliss 8 barcodes and ship labels. Go on Tuesday or Wednesday. (morning, before USPS closes)

Clean out my ring inventory (silver, warehouse ones, sell them or destroy them)

• New rings arrive: stackable, more comfort fit, striped, bevel
  • Week 1: give Martin stackable package design
• V Day Promos in place
  • Week 1: have a plan for rings and scarves
• Decide what will be useful metrics reporting, and make use of Forecasting and Sellerboard
  • Build metrics or ask Jay to manually report for now
• Add FBM inventory for all markets

Meal wrapped up at 6:45pm! Tomorrow start eating at 10:45am!